I feed on Chaos

Everything just feels like too much these days. Overwhelming. Choking out all signs of light & hope, courage & strength. How do you get up and go when you feel like that?

My problem is control. I want it, I crave it. My life feels hopeless without it. But why when it comes to the things I can control- like how I react, do I choose to throw myself to the wolves instead?

Simple I feed on chaos.

I was thinking about emotional eating. The fact that I struggle so hard with trying to get back on track. I can plan. I can shoot myself up with confidence, advice, quotes and all that feel good- you go girl, you are strong and amazing attitude. But then a simple little thing comes and knocks it all down so easily. I get upset. So sad, so depressed. and I just want to binge. To say screw you world and eat until I get sick.

These last few days after Christmas I have been doing good. We haven't gone shopping yet so I haven't done aything food wise (and I baked cookies & ate them all....) & I have also been exhausted from bad sleeping and all the holiday stuff. But I did plan really well. I got recipes and put stuff together. I know from the past I am the type of person who needs a very strong foundation to build from or I am hopeless from the start.

But then I am fighting with my husband and things begin to quiver. I can feel it as if it were real my little tower beginning to shake. I can see it coming. It then ripples right out from under me. I start off slowly saying oh no I won't give up pop this week- lets wait until next week. Maybe I don't need to buy this or that, I'll wait. And then like an avalanche it all comes falling down. Everything I said I would do is easily forgotten and passed aside.

Chaos is here ringing my bell. Let me free she screams. Let me dance on your grave of plans & intentions. Let me fill you with that rush of the binge. Of anger & pain.

It is bad. No it is evil. But it feels good in so many ways. I think it tricks you, the way evil things usually do. We notice how passion & fear, joyful bliss and pain all of those emotions seem so closely related in our brains. They all cause a rush of emotions and chemicals idk. And in that little dark ball you wind yourself up in you will take either one just to feel. Because in truth you are feeling empty & alone.

How do you turn it around is the million dollar question? How do you chaos to stfu & go away? So that you can instead rise up on all that lovely hard work and control?

It is kindof the same way that we deal with food. A huge chocolate cake right in front of us. We know it isn't healthy. We know we shouldn't. We know we will feel like crap later- physical, mental & emotional. We have carrots in the fridge to munch on & in truth we are not even hungry. But there it is right in front of us, tempting us. Why? I am never so sure.

I don't have any answers right now. But I will.