Getting my feet back onto the path

I have been a wreck. I have cried so much the last few weeks I can't believe anything else is left in me. It seems my days have been a mixture of pacing, boredom, staring at walls, facebook and occasional forum lurking with a whole mess of crying and feeling completely lost and empty.

I have reasons to be stressed. I am really bored and lonely. Sitting home all day long with my cats is not helping me. My oldest cat that I have had her entire life is very sick and needs to be put to sleep. I am feeling trapped and so like I have no control.

I had a dream last night that I was back staying with my uncle and grandmother. This was a horrible time in my life. I was about 19 and almost homeless and yet again feeling trapped. In my dream I had very little food. Which had been true in real life then. In the dream I was sitting with the fridge open counting out what meals I had for the rest of the week.

Oh big wow because I had actually been doing this in rl yesterday. It isn't because we are poor or I am going to starve. I just don't drive so I get to go to the store once a week on my husbands day off. It is really hard for me. I feel like I have no freedom. I can't come and go when I want to. Last week I wanted to go to the petstore my husband didn't so I couldn't.

I HAVE to make changes. Big ones. I am simply slipping away each day. I sit here crying and wishing I could die. I just want to be happy.

My birthday is next month, September 22. And with it brings so much stress and anger at myself. So much time wasted away and it feels like so little time left to hold on to.

My goal is to get my permit in September. It might take me a while to get my license but I will do it. Then once I can drive I will find a job and get my GED. Life can get better.

I am not doing well with eating at all. I am stuffing myself sick and using all the stress to say it is ok that I need "comfort food" which is nothing but excuses and lies. Bad eating makes me feel bad both physically and emotionally.

I am gonna start eating better and I am doing the wii fit everyday now and will do my walk away the pounds dvd 5 times a week.

I can do this!!!