Self Hatred- Yes I ate an entire pizza

Yesterday was bad. Very very bad. I just want to curl into a ball and cry/die. Part of me is saying we all make mistakes don't let this get you down. But we all know this was far more then a mistake.

I ate an entire pizza myself and 2 slices of another pizza. That one pizza was more calories then I should have had all day long! It took me up to 2,676 which is just 1076 more calories then I should have eaten. Well more then that since yesterday was a non workout day. I went over my fat limit by 60, my carbs by 122! I don't even want to look at the sodium.

I hate myself so much right now. And to be honest I have never ate an entire pizza myself before even which idk feels so much worse to me.

It started off an ok day. I blogged happily. I focused myself on my goals. I was feeling very proud of myself. I even did some stuff on the Wii. Just Dance for like 20 mins and I kindof half assed played with Wii fit but was feeling tired.

It was my husband's day off though. I don't get to spend alot of time with him because he works alot and when he is home he is often on the computer. But he had to go into work "for just alittle bit" to help with inventory. That ended up being 5 hours. Oh because he decided to stay and talk, then eat, then run to the store for them with some of the guys.

What upset me was 1. He always does that. If he ever goes to do anything he will spend forever doing it.

2. He won't text me and let me know that he is ok, that he is staying longer, or anything else. I text him even & he doesn't answer me.

3. I asked him nicely to bring me home a turkey wrap for lunch. I planned for it, counted it in my calories for the day. So I waited to eat thinking he would bring it home for me. As it got later in the day I began to have a problem - I was hungry but worried that if I ate then he brought it home I would still eat it and then be in a mess calorie wise.

So I ate like a handful of salad. I should also point out yesterday is our usual shopping day so I didn't have much in the house. and then I waited longer not eating. When he got home omg guess what- he didn't bring me anything.

I was upset that he had been so just his usual insensitive self. Not thinking about me. & then I acted so well by just going into the bedroom and pouting and crying and not talking to him about it.

So later he comes and is like lets just order pizza. Knowing I am trying to lose weight. and knowing pizza is my favorite food and that I could probably eat pizza everyday and never get sick of it. But I say yes. I order it.

Right away I tell myself it will be ok. I can eat 1-2 slices and save the rest. I won't eat breadsticks at all either. But at the same time I can feel the excuses start to rise up inside me.

When it gets here I am starving. It is now 9pm. All I had to eat all day is a smoothie for breakfast and a handful of salad. And to top it off the day before was a low calorie day for me.

I am starving! I don't even know what happened at first. Before I know it I have 1 slice left. I hate myself and just eat it anyways. Then about 1-2 hours later I go to my husbands pizza and eat 2 slices...


I am just sitting here crying my heart out asking why? why? why? I feel like just another person. So out of control. Like somehow my body just isn't mine and someone else is controlling it. I know it was wrong. I don't understand why or how I can be so self sabotaging. So self hating.


I don't know. I don't know what to think about it at all. Part of me is just in denial and wants to not think about it. Because the only answers I can find are that I am weak and horrible and just a loser.

But I looked up the calories of that damn pizza and wrote it in my food journal. And today I will go extra low on my calories. and tomorrow I will do better and the next. I won't give up. I won't let this be like other times where I mess up and so I give up. I will keep trying.