Control

I might be just alittle bit crazy
I might walk right off the edge
Fall into the rocks below
Broken and Bloody I lay Torn
And yet I know
That tomorrow I might grow wings
And that someday I'll fly away
Into the nights sky- say goodbye
So don't keep me on a leash
No I won't bite
I just need to sing
This girl just has to dream
Yeah I might be just alittle bit crazy
But atleast I am free
(song I wrote)


In this very moment I feel so hopeless. I am sick of it all. I feel like I am in this endless tornado of confusion. I can't breathe. I can't think.

I really just want to scream right now!!!

I don't understand what is going on. Do I have control over my life? It doesn't seem like it. I know what I want. I know what I need to do. I make a plan to do it. And yet I just don't. No real reason. I just don't. No even worse I lie to myself, make up excuses to myself.

Ok so things were looking better and then I slipped and it is all this big ugly mess again. I am now clawing, fighting to get out and I am scared. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry and hide and make it all go away- it won't I know that. I am not strong enough to do this.

So it is almost my birthday. I hate birthdays. Another year passed me by without change. Another year to be reminded of all I want and don't have. Another year to hate myself. Another year closer to the end. I tried to turn it around and stay positive. I wanted one thing for my birthday & I won't get it. I knew I wouldn't get it but I built up my little courage and asked as if I were alittle girl begging for santa to bring me something I knew was impossible. I knew he would say no... but I asked. I hate that. More regret. More hatred directed to myself over not having control. Birthdays suck.

I know it is partly my birthday stress but that isn't the only thing. It is the same old pattern. Things begin to get off track. I stop taking care of myself. I stop taking care of everything else. My house is a complete mess. Next I start staying up all night long. Going to bed at 5am when I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Afraid of the dark I would say. Really afraid of the silence. Afraid of my mind who is then free from all distractions to remind me of the daylight wasted, the regrets & mistakes. I remind myself of all the lies I just told myself. The broken promises leftover from the lovely plan I had for the day that didn't get done.

I am losing my train of thought though. I was thinking of control... for example everyday I say I am going to go to bed @ this specific time. At that time I am tired. But I won't go to bed. I tell myself well you really need to but I just won't do it. - it doesn't make any sense to me.

I really feel completely out of control. And I am scared that I can't get it. Shouldn't it just be simple? Shouldn't be just be choosing to do something and then doing it?



I am going to bed early tonight. Forcing myself with every ounce of control I can find. It feels like moving a mountain. It literally hurts & feels insanely overwhelming. I hate it. I will get up early tomorrow too. Have the DH wake me up when he goes to work at like 6am. So I will be insanely tired the next day too. I am just praying that I may find the strength and the energy and not to give up.