The scale does not rule my journey

So Friday I was flipping out & worrying that the scale kept going up up up- it showed me at like 213.8 or something crazy like that. I was depressed and discouraged but I channeled that energy into something positive to try harder and be truly focused.

But today was my true weigh in day. I stepped up onto the scale still a bit upset and feeling like the scale was my worst enemy. And what happens? I am down. I lost weight! 211.6 lbs. The exact weight I was at the week before, last week I had gained .4lbs and this week I lost it again. Weirdness all around. But I lost so yay!

But that once again leaves me at .4 little bitty lbs away from having lost 20 lbs total so far. That is just pure motivation. I think what is really pushing me is that I have done this before. Last time I was doing really good and got to ONEderland and was 190-something. I felt amazing and looked good. I was no where near goal and still overweight but I looked and felt so much better & so much more confident. When I could feel my collar bone and the beginning to feel my ribs. I couldn't keep my hands off myself- which sounds very weird lol- but I would just run my hands all over the bones like omg this is new yay! I can just barely feel the hint of my collar bone now but it is there waiting to poke out.

I think it really helps me to stay focused. I am really close to where I was before and I can do this and I want it so badly.

On that note and along with alot of comments on my last blog- NSV (non scale victory). I have to remember that the scale is not the be all. Our bodies are complex moody things. Who taunt us with jumping up in weight then two days later jump back down farther. I don't understand it- water, sodium, muscles, weird cosmic energy waves- who knows?

I read the forums and I read blogs and it seems like a recurring issue for so many of us. Being ruled by the scale. So easy to throw everything else out the window if the scale stays something ugly. It is silly and we all know better but that number just taunts us.

I would love to say that it won't own my butt anymore but probably next week I will be right here crying over it again. lol

BUT... I won't let it be everything. I will remind myself of every little NSV. Because it is all of those little tiny things that add up and make it what it is.

I am only on my third week in and yet I feel amazing. I have energy and this light, I just feel like I shine. I am taking better care of myself and my cats and birds and my apartment. I am happier. Bad things happen and usually it would have left me crippled and now I am finding it so much easier to shake it off and recover. Before I would lay in bed every morning and not want to get up. I had nothing to care about. Now I am getting up at 6am excited to get outside in the beautiful morning and walk. That in itself is amazing.

I won't always be perfect. I will stumble, trip and fall on my face somedays. But I will also smile and laugh and feel amazing.

One yet another note- must watch my sodium because it can so easily go overboard and drink more water!

Oh and I am also very excited about some more cooking experience I am having. I super suck in the kitchen but slowly am working on improving. I found a great website- http://www.skinnytaste.com/ and I made for my husband last night potato soup. Real soup homemade from scratch. I mean never in my life could I imagine doing that before lol. It was completely easy and really no fuss at all but still it is just huge for me. I am very proud of myself. It was also healthy and really good. I made it just for him because it does not sound like something I would like at all- I am very picky. But I tasted it and it was delicious! So creamy and smooth- perfect comfort food. And had a ton of cauliflower in it but you couldn't even taste it. Crazy. Tonight I am going to make two recipes from that site. A Skinny Chicken Parmesan & Baked Zucchini Sticks. Yum! Zucchini is my favorite veggie so I can't wait. Very excited to see how well I can do it lol

Oh look a collar bone!

This is gonna be a positive post for once. I swear people who read my blog often might think I am bipolar with my mood swings lol

I am actually just in a great mood today. Sun is shining, birds are singing kindof day :) So I thought I would channel that energy and focus my thoughts and blog some.

It is funny how things can go just awful and yet somehow lead things to be better. I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu and while it was truly horrid it also has managed to reach out and catch me just as i was losing my way and brought me right back to my path with new insight and opened eyes I guess.

For starters not being able to keep anything down left me with a hefty weight loss this week. Which I do not consider a good thing or actually "counting" because I would rather lose it the right way and if I had any choice in the matter I would would never go through that in the first place even if it meant losing all the weight in the world lol!!!

But on the flip side the loss took me to my goal of losing my first 20lbs. Now I am actually not counting it because I KNOW I will gain some of this weight back next week so it does not feel right to celebrate just yet. but seeing it right there in front of my face just feels amazing. It was like a little reminder of hello you can do this!


Secondly small changes are popping up that have me so excited in a way only my fellow weight loss sisters can possible understand....

I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONE!!!!

I remember the first time I was losing weight and I lost 20lbs all the amazing changes my body went through. I lose weight first in my collar and shoulders and apparently I am sticking to that pattern again lol. It was funny because last time if you had looked at me in that area you would have thought I was tiny skinny but the rest of me was still big lol.

Now I haven't lost enough yet for it to all pop out but I can feel it there! I can't keep my hands off myself now! (not in a pervy way lol) I just keep running my hands over my collar & shoulders over and over because its so new!!!

It is really an amazing feeling! and then there is also the fact that my legs have gotten smaller and I can slip on/off my winter boots without zipping/unzipping them. And my jeans without unbuttoning them- actually my jeans barely stay up now lol.

My stomach is weirding out though into this misshapen mess. But idk if that is the weight loss or being sick and not eating did it or a mixture? We will see if it fixes out? And I am not really sure how to describe a misshapen belly lol. I tried to tell my husband and he gave me the strangest look and was like what do you mean misshapen? lol

if you don't know me, well I gain like all my weight in my stomach. So I have a big stomach :( Well right now the sides are like sunken in some which idk if it looks any different or not but it feels totally different (more of me running my hands all over the new stuff lol)




So anyways along with all of those changes I have also gained some perspective I guess. Things don't need to be so complicated. I think I need a giant poster saying that because truly it might be my biggest issue. It doesn't need to be all or nothing. Every little oops is not the end of the world. I don't need to rack my brain with self doubt on every tiny step I make wondering if I am doing it right or wrong.

I saw on the forums I visit someone posted a link to meal plans- 
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/ Scroll down to the left hand side. It shows full menus. It gives me some good ideas. I think I am going to just keep things simple for a while like that.

Anyways I still feel a bit sick. My appetite is not fully back yet and my body is still sore and weak and yucky lol. Hopefully I feel all back to normal by friday which is when me and the DH are celebrating our valentines day.