A rough day but positive

My day was almost evenly split between some good and some bad choices.

On the good side-

• I woke up early this morning and followed my schedule really well! Which btw I love my new schedule plan, it works perfectly to keep me focused and not getting side tracked. I don't want to wonder aimlessly. My day having purpose means things get done.
• I did great exercise wise- I walked almost 2 1/2 miles. It felt great. It was so cold outside this morning though. I need to remember next time to bring my gloves!
• I got ALOT done today. I cleaned house, just like it was on my schedule. I also made some candles. Not as many as I wanted but every bit helps.

On the bad side-
I went way over my calories :( Peanut butter you are an evil mistress! Thank the Goddess for food tracking, at least I can learn from my mistakes.

To start with I had a fairly big breakfast. It was a delicious zucchini & spinach omelette. I really loved it. And I really suck at making omelettes but I almost did it right lol. 545 calories, 47 carbs (in my normal range barely), 25 fat & 32 protein. Besides carbs I was way way over on everything for breakfast. Mostly fat when my normal should have been between 10-13. The culprit? Butter mostly.

What can I do better next time?
Well I could make my omelette with one whole egg & one white. I can stick to one piece of toast and not two & less butter. I usually buy light butter but this time they didn't have any so I got a different one.

Lunch wasn't bad calories wise but a bit high in fat too. I ate a salad kit which I am addicted to lol

I tried a new recipe today- Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Zucchini Brownie Bread, calories- 291, carbs-45,  fat-14, protein-5. Not horrid for one slice & i was a good girl and just tried one. It was good but I don't think I cooked it long enough.

The real issue was unplanned snacking... namely peanut butter. I just was craving it so so badly. And one spoonful turned into three.... for 570 calories and 48 fat. :(

So yeah I am a bit disappointed in myself. But at the same time I realized right away, tracked it and then didn't eat continue to eat which would have really made my calories go nuts.

Tomorrow will be better :)

And out of the darkness she shines...

I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up.

I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.

IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.

I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.

I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.

That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol

I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">

On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.

On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(

On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.

He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...


Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay

My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies

My Plan:

Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength

Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem: 
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.

I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.

2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/

 

 

 

With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol

No more Far less processed crap! I want to cook and eat real fresh food. I have some good recipe sites and I follow two blogs that I am madly in love with:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/

I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!

I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.

So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.



On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.

I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.

I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.

Todays Weigh In 4/22

Well lately things have been up & down. Some positive things along with some more negative things.

First the negative to get it out of the way lol. I haven't really been paying alot of attention to my diet or exercise. I am very unfocused and not really trying much. I also ordered pizza & had an argument with myself over it and had some guilt, anger, negativity spawn from that. But I can acknowledge this and improve! This is a new week and I can do better.

On the positive side there is alot! First woohoo! I lost 1.8lbs this week. & that was with not doing great with the diet or exercise so yay there.

I have also been way less stressed out. I am really reconnecting with my spirituality and learning to be more positive. I tell myself everyday good, positive, affirmations. And whenever the negativity begins to creep in I drown it out with the positive. Even if all I can do is say over and over that I am loved.

I am beginning to realize the negativity and pay attention to how it is and when it pops up. I would berate myself and put myself down so much. And now when those thoughts begin I can see that I am just being negative and stop them.

It isn't all fixed and it is all still a struggle but I am headed in the right direction and I feel good.

I have also tried greek yogurt finally. I kept wanting to but put it off- new things are scary lol. It kindof reminds me in look, texture? of Sour cream. I hate sour cream. Like just the thought of it is just eww. I don't want to touch it even lol. IDK why...I am just weird. So it kindof freaked my mind out lol but it was really yummy actually. So yay!

On that same note of my weirdness, I had been craving hard boiled eggs & egg salad lately. Probably because of Easter & i didn't get any eggs during all of easter so that sucked. So last night I attempted to make egg salad. First off I hate making eggs, I always feel that I won't cook them well enough. Also I hate mayonnaise. Not just hate it I loathe it and do not even want to be in the same room as it lol. The smell, the look, it just makes me nauseous. Again yes I am a weird person lol.

But knowing that I am uncomfortable making eggs, and that I hate mayo why or why did I want to make egg salad??

No it didn't turn out well lol. It wasn't horrid either but I won't do that again lol.

Anyways- I am reaffirming my goals:

• Meditate daily
• pay attention to what I eat
• focus on smaller portions/eat slower
• eat fruits & veggies daily- with every meal
• exercise!

Fast Break Goals

So I have been reading the Spark Book and am on the section for starting out with Fast Break Goals. All about setting small simple goals and following through on them for a whole week.

I think this will be a great start for me. I have not been doing well at all. Stress is over taking me and I just fall apart. But hopefully this will jump start my spark and I will succeed!

I will follow these goals for this first week feb 1-7th and then move on to the next step.

My Goals:

• Eat fruit & veggies everyday. I want to eat a serving of fruit or veggies with every meal.
• Do atleast 10 mins of exercise 5 days a week.
• Write in my journal daily.
• Drink more water. I am setting a goal of atleast 1 glass of water a day. I sometimes don't drink any so that will get me started atleast.
• Meditate atleast 3 days a week

I am really excited about this and know I can do it!

Also I have been using my crockpot making chicken and then separating it out into 3oz servings and freezing them. So I have a simple meal anytime or to use for my meals all week. I so love this and it has really changed my life. So amazing that something so simple can make such huge changes. It was just so easy to cook and then when I am making dinner just toss a portion into the microwave.

Like today I havent been able to go shopping yet and didn't have much to eat in the house. I still had some salsa chicken in the freezer and so I warmed that up with some peppers and onions and then mixed it with some brown rice. Super yummy & healthy and best of all easy.

One of my biggest issues with cooking has been that it is so much work while tossing a frozen pizza in the oven or a frozen meal in the microwave. So this really helps.

I am also hoping that the meditation will help me destress and/or deal with my stress better rather then eating or hating on myself.

The scale does not rule my journey

So Friday I was flipping out & worrying that the scale kept going up up up- it showed me at like 213.8 or something crazy like that. I was depressed and discouraged but I channeled that energy into something positive to try harder and be truly focused.

But today was my true weigh in day. I stepped up onto the scale still a bit upset and feeling like the scale was my worst enemy. And what happens? I am down. I lost weight! 211.6 lbs. The exact weight I was at the week before, last week I had gained .4lbs and this week I lost it again. Weirdness all around. But I lost so yay!

But that once again leaves me at .4 little bitty lbs away from having lost 20 lbs total so far. That is just pure motivation. I think what is really pushing me is that I have done this before. Last time I was doing really good and got to ONEderland and was 190-something. I felt amazing and looked good. I was no where near goal and still overweight but I looked and felt so much better & so much more confident. When I could feel my collar bone and the beginning to feel my ribs. I couldn't keep my hands off myself- which sounds very weird lol- but I would just run my hands all over the bones like omg this is new yay! I can just barely feel the hint of my collar bone now but it is there waiting to poke out.

I think it really helps me to stay focused. I am really close to where I was before and I can do this and I want it so badly.

On that note and along with alot of comments on my last blog- NSV (non scale victory). I have to remember that the scale is not the be all. Our bodies are complex moody things. Who taunt us with jumping up in weight then two days later jump back down farther. I don't understand it- water, sodium, muscles, weird cosmic energy waves- who knows?

I read the forums and I read blogs and it seems like a recurring issue for so many of us. Being ruled by the scale. So easy to throw everything else out the window if the scale stays something ugly. It is silly and we all know better but that number just taunts us.

I would love to say that it won't own my butt anymore but probably next week I will be right here crying over it again. lol

BUT... I won't let it be everything. I will remind myself of every little NSV. Because it is all of those little tiny things that add up and make it what it is.

I am only on my third week in and yet I feel amazing. I have energy and this light, I just feel like I shine. I am taking better care of myself and my cats and birds and my apartment. I am happier. Bad things happen and usually it would have left me crippled and now I am finding it so much easier to shake it off and recover. Before I would lay in bed every morning and not want to get up. I had nothing to care about. Now I am getting up at 6am excited to get outside in the beautiful morning and walk. That in itself is amazing.

I won't always be perfect. I will stumble, trip and fall on my face somedays. But I will also smile and laugh and feel amazing.

One yet another note- must watch my sodium because it can so easily go overboard and drink more water!

Oh and I am also very excited about some more cooking experience I am having. I super suck in the kitchen but slowly am working on improving. I found a great website- http://www.skinnytaste.com/ and I made for my husband last night potato soup. Real soup homemade from scratch. I mean never in my life could I imagine doing that before lol. It was completely easy and really no fuss at all but still it is just huge for me. I am very proud of myself. It was also healthy and really good. I made it just for him because it does not sound like something I would like at all- I am very picky. But I tasted it and it was delicious! So creamy and smooth- perfect comfort food. And had a ton of cauliflower in it but you couldn't even taste it. Crazy. Tonight I am going to make two recipes from that site. A Skinny Chicken Parmesan & Baked Zucchini Sticks. Yum! Zucchini is my favorite veggie so I can't wait. Very excited to see how well I can do it lol