Day # 10 - Facing & understanding my fear/panic

Yay me! I went out for my walk today. Yesterday I might have hit a bump and let myself fall but today I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back out there!

I fished out my scarf and I think it helped quite a bit. It was still cold but I said just push through it. I realized that yesterday I just panicked. I have a panic disorder I should totally be used to this by now lol. I get nervous, scared, anxious, frustrated, etc... and I panic. I give up and run away because I just feel that overwhelming feelings and don't know how to deal with them. That is exactly what really happened yesterday. It was really really cold and I wasn't expecting that shock and it opened me up to negativity. It whispered that I couldn't do this over and over and then released the flood gates of winter and how I would walk in snow and ice and I panicked and turned around.

I am understanding it alot better I think. It is incredibly difficult to deal with it in that moment of panic, but if I set myself up with a strong bubble of perspective and energy I can push through it before it takes hold. idk if that makes sense lol But basically like today, I knew it was going to be cold, and so before I even left the house I prepared myself and  was like look you can do this, it is just alittle cold and you can push through it. So when I got out there and began to feel like all the negativity come up I was able to shoot it down right away.

I think that this is a VERY IMPORTANT step to not only understanding my panic attacks better but also helping to heal and stop them.

I honestly want to cry because I feel just so damn proud of myself. It might seem really silly but my panic attacks feels like they cripple me or a ball and chain keeping me tied down and held back. Doing an everyday task that millions of people do and think nothing of can stop me in my tracks as if I were facing my very worst fear.

So yay me. The walk wasn't that bad either. When I first started walking the wind was still coming right at me and I struggled to have a nice pace. I think the scarf really helped there. But on the street the park is on the wind was at my side and that made things way way easier and it wasn't bad at all. It was way darker then normal out, the sun was hiding lol. At the park the walking trail is slightly dipped down that helped with the wind and just the wind was what was really cold. And on the way home the wind was at my back.

But another yay- I upped my walking .25 miles. So I walked almost exactly 3 miles now a smidge of .0000 something more then 3 lol I figure next week I might up it .25 more or the next week depending.

** Diet wise I am still not finding my pace I guess. And it kindof has my stomach in knots, I think because half the time I am eating great and healthy and then I go off plan or binge a bit and it is giving my body whiplash lol

I really need to gather my focus there. I know it is all about babysteps to progress but this is not taking small steps it is more like only having one foot in. i don't have to be perfect, I don't only have to eat lettuce and pretend to be a bunny. But I MUST have the commitment and focus completely and truly if I want to succeed.

If you are not sticking to the path it is so easy to lose sight of it. So many times before when i would attempt to try again and fail because my heart wasn't in it.

**Today was also my weigh in and I gained 1.2lbs. I wasn't surprised because last week was very off for me. I am not even sad about it. And even if the scale isn't showing any progress I feel like my body is. I am beginning to feel the hint of a collarbone again. last time I lost weight like the first place I began to show was my collarbone and then shoulders. I loved it. I just kept running my hands over my bone lol. 

Anyways I feel great right now. I am riding a wave of confidence and pride which I hope to keep with me all day <3 a="a" also="also" amp="amp" an="an" and="and" candles="candles" cleaning="cleaning" do="do" for="for" have="have" i="i" in="in" is="is" make="make" moving="moving" of="of" order.="order." our="our" p="p" roommate="roommate" such="such" to="to" tomorrow="tomorrow" ton="ton">

Creating a routine

I feel like just so much is going on. First Monday when I took my cat to the vet they just decided to keep him overnight. It is silly but I was really sad :( I missed him and felt sad that he was locked in a cage all night by himself. But I got to go get him at 1 tues and his neutering went fine and he was a bit groggy but fine. For some strange reason they clipped his claws extremely short and he is having the worst time with that. he goes to scratch or climb and can't. I had already trimmed his claws before I took him and they have never done that to my other cats so idk.... It scared me at first because they had asked me if I wanted to get him declawed & i thought maybe they had! I am so against declawing I would have freaked out big time.

I also got all my furniture moved and am happy with it. My hubby also helped with zero nagging from me! I am quite proud of him :) I pretty much did it all though and it really was quite exhausting lol.

So my apartment is all clean and fairly ready for our new roommate. I have a few little things to do but nothing big. Yay.


My routine is taking a nosedive though. I feel myself getting sucked back into that wishy washy no real plan type of attitude. That is a path leading to pure fail. But on the positive side I KNOW this and am stopping it in its tracks and seeing what the real issue is and fixing. ~Sometimes we may fall but we can dust ourselves off and learn from our mistakes. I am proud of myself for that.

So I was reading some blogs & they went through this day in the life of thing, where it showed what everyone did each day. Now more then likely most of them do not really plan everything out each hour but they do have set "pins" in their day that set the flow of their routine. Most of them being mom's and having to get up with kids, feed them breakfast, get them ready for school, lunch, nap time, getting them from school, homework, dinner, bedtime, etc....

Now I don't have kids so I don't have any real "pins" in my day. I think this is my issue. I need a schedule, I need a routine. I was even thinking back when i was doing so well on plan I was on insulin & working. Every morning taking the insulin helped "pin" my morning routine, going to work "pinned" my afternoon routine, then dinner and such helped "pin" my evening. Now I have none of that, and honestly I have zero set pins. Nothing has to get done at any time if at all in all honestly.

I will have a plan for my day, even making a note of what I need to get done that day. But the problem is it is so easy to procrastinate and  get distracted. I will say I will do x then y then z. I wait way too long to get x done then longer to do y and have no time to get done z. My schedule is just wishy washy and too loose. Now ofcourse I don't want it so rigid that I have no breathing room lol but a good balance.

So that is what I am working on starting "pins" for myself.

1. Setting a bedtime and a wake up time. I need this badly. I am going to bed at 10pm & getting up at 6am. That is 8 hours of sleep.

2. When I wake up I do my whole morning routine of brushing my teeth, washing my face etc... I also light a candle and do small morning prayers/affirmations.

3. I clean the litterbox and feed the kitties. If I don't do it then it may not get done lol. Plus I can take it out with me when I go for my walk.

4. Exercise! + after stretch & meditate.

5. I think by 8am I should have all of that done and will eat breakfast.
While I eat breakfast I will get on the computer and do all the computer stuffs & also track my food & fitness on spark, do my blog.

6. Do all my candle business stuff.

7. By 10am I will clean house. It shouldn't take me long each day to just run around and get stuff done.

8. By noon I will eat lunch.

9. Play with my rats at 3pm

10. 5pm I will eat dinner

11. 7pm make sure all the dishes are done. & then track dinner on spark.

12. 10pm bed.

This isn't perfect & I may need to move stuff around but I like it.


I am hoping all of that helps me alot.

May the positivity stick

I feel amazing like a star about to burst with joy! I am awesome & i know it! First I am feeling the positivity flow. That is a hard one for me. I have for so long drowned in the negativity. Where everyday I just put myself down. Now  I am on a different positive path. Sure I am not perfect and I am sure it will creep back up but I won't let it over take me. Now I fill myself with alot of affirmations. If everyday i fill my head with negativity and putting myself down I start to believe that, so it must work the opposite way as well- if everyday I remind myself how wonderful I am and with positivity it will "stick".

Right now every morning I wake up and while I am brushing my teeth, washing my face etc... I light a candle in the bathroom and look in the mirror & repeat- I am a strong, beautiful, confident Goddess who can take on the world.


*~* Today I did amazing fitness wise. I woke up and my plan was to walk down to the park. About half way to the street I would have to turn on to get there I began to chicken out. Doubt crept in whispering in my head that I was too out of shape and idk big scary fears. But I pushed them aside and without even a clear thought in my head I just found my body going. I turned onto the street and was like ok wow I guess I am doing it!

My body wants it. It may sound strange because I am over weight and sit on my ass all the time. But honestly I LOVE to workout. I love the rush of energy I get. I wanna hike and run and go go go. I really do not think I am lazy, I just think my problem has always been my fears, panic/anxiety issues and depression.

Anyways so I went to the park, and my plan was just to walk to the park then turn and go home. Small baby steps as I haven't worked out in forever. I was just well afraid as normal and didn't want to push myself too hard. Well I felt great when i got there, sat down on a bench and just enjoyed the park for maybe 5-10 mins then began to walk the track. The track is 1/4 a mile each loop.

I felt on fire. I liked my pace. I was all positive and thinking about how I could keep doing this and how I will start to run and how great that would be.

But at the start of my third loop it was rough. To begin with I woke up and rushed to leave this morning because I slept a bit late and in my rush didn't have a thing to drink at all that morning- eek. So when I got to the park I was already thirsty but as I walked my throat began to feel like it was on fire and I felt a bit meh. I really wished I had a drink. And ofcourse the park doesn't have bathrooms or a water fountain - lame.

My legs also began to burn a bit so I finished and decided to go home.

But it was amazing I walked 2.78 miles for a total of 63 mins. I think my pace is a bit slow. But I will build up! 

And I am learning alot. I have a huge issue with as soon as I set out walking way way too fast and then my muscles cry and I kill myself. I need to start off with a very slow walk to wake up I think. When i do then I go farther and last longer and am not in pain. 
Secondly I have learned not to just stop walking. When I stop, I first walk a bit slower then stretch. No more pain!

Now I just need to figure out if I want to bring a water bottle or just make sure to drink well before and after my walks. TMI- I have a tiny bladder and don't want to be out walking and have to pee lol. 

*~* Diet wise, well today begins my diet officially. I will track all that I eat and stay on plan and eat healthy. It is a bit scary. i know I can do it though. It is difficult and I have to be vigilant & strong but I can do it.

*~* Also today I have to take my youngest cat, Kit to the vet. He is just getting a checkup today so he can get neutered soon. It is so expensive and we don't have a ton of money going into the holidays meh. But I like this vet and he really needs some snipping because he has become a holy terror to the other cats, thank god he hasn't started marking yet. The last vet I went to was completely horrid though & it put me through so much stress that even though this is a different vet I am still on edge. 

Also today and tomorrow my plan is to finish moving the furniture & get all the rest of the trash out so it is all finished. Now my husband said he would help, but he is the worst about these kind of things. I am going to have to nag, and he won't feel like it. And then I will be pissy. 

I don't like waiting until the last minute to do things, if you can't tell I tend to over think & worry about things lol. If it is all taken care of then I can relax. Well we don't have alot of time until his friend moves in and this all has to be finished. next week is my husbands birthday & thanksgiving which we will be out of town for 2 days. So I want to get it done now so if I don't like how the furniture is at I can change it or if something doesn't work right I can fix it. 

I can do it all myself. Nothing is too heavy that I can't drag easily. The couch is the only big item to move and I can push it to a different spot in the same room easy. The desks are both super light. The only thing I am not sure I could do is figure out how to hookup the internet and cable in different rooms. So I wanted his help mostly for that. 

So I am praying that he is actually helpful. 

lastly my other stresser are my candles. I want to open my candle business this week. I really want to get it up for christmas orders. It is a bit of work but I know my real issue is pure fear. I can't let myself succumb to fear. I love my candles, I am so proud of them. I know my tart candle melts are absolutely amazing. My packaging and labels are cute. I can so do this! But it is a whole new frontier and new stuff is scary. I just dont want to fail, I don't want to be the only one who likes my candles lol. I put so so much money that we didn't have into this. I just keep telling myself that I know my stuff is great and that this is my passion and my dream and that is what matters.

So yeah the end of this month is insanely busy and stressful- DH's birthday, thanksgiving, thinking towards christmas, opening my business, some dude moving in with us, and on top of it staying on plan with diet & exercise. lol

And out of the darkness she shines...

I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up.

I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.

IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.

I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.

I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.

That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol

I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">

On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.

On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(

On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.

He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...


Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay

My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies

My Plan:

Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength

Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem: 
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.

I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.

2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/

 

 

 

With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol

No more Far less processed crap! I want to cook and eat real fresh food. I have some good recipe sites and I follow two blogs that I am madly in love with:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/

I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!

I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.

So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.



On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.

I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.

I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.

Tomorrow I will....

I say it so often it might as well be my catchphrase. Sigh, it is really not the right moment, life is kindof crazy, I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm depressed, etc... so tomorrow I will do it instead.

But that tomorrow never seems to come does it?

Lately getting back on track has been in my mind alot. I make some plans or say I will stop doing X and start doing Y but things do not fit in perfectly or I feel bleh and blow it off. Swear to myself that I will start tomorrow. It never happens though, because the next day isn't perfect either and I don't feel like it and say once again tomorrow it will happen.

Yet I do honestly know that there will never be some perfect time to start, my stars are not going to align and make it some smooth easy transition. I'm never going to feel good until I start doing things to make myself feel good.

It is hard. It feels so difficult to get traction. I feel like I am standing at the base of a mountain looking up and feeling so intimidated and overwhelmed and even though I want the reward waiting at the top a huge part of me is like ya know it is awfully comfy and feels safe down here why bother?

It just sucks.

I remember the quote - A year from now you will be glad you started today.

How right that is. I promised myself, swore up and down that by 30 I would have it right. I would be healthy and skinny and happy and have a grip on life. And here it is July, with the days/weeks whizzing by and I turn 30 this September. There is no time left to hit my goal.

I just want to cry and mourn for all the time wasted and lost. I want so bad to be able to go back and do it right and not keep putting it off. But I can't go back and mourning for what I lost doesn't help other then make me feel like crap.

I have to finally face tomorrow. Just do it.
It will be hard. I will probably have tear filled moments and times of pain and not wanting to do it and have to fight myself to do it. But I want so badly to be sitting in July 2013 and looking back and saying yes I said I would and I did it. I really did it.

Here I am not in any way shape or form ready but knowing I have to do it and that I want to do it deep down. I will do it. I am stronger then I think I am. I am in control of my path and it is time to climb that mountain.

Rock Bottom

I have heard that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. If that is the case then I think I am ready to start rising. last night was bad. Too bad to talk about. i can't see it as any worse and still being able to be here to write about it. Certainly my rock bottom.

I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.

Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.

The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...

But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.

I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.

But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.

I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.

But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.

Right now I am stacking up my little blocks of goodness and hope. I have my spirituality that I am striving to reconnect with. Tarot & praying and blogging about it (my witch blog)
I am taking better care of myself. Trying to find a good balance of small steps in the right direction there without getting too overwhelmed or not really trying either.
Mind, Body, Spirit- balance. If only my mind would get on track, no wonder I am pulling all swords lol


I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol

Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well.


I am also trying to find a job. It is a whole pyramid of a mess for me. I panic in little waves about each part of it. That I am a moron and didn't finish school and only truly worked one job & haven't worked in like what two years now so my application will look horrid. I panic on how I will get to work, because I don't drive and my DH's schedule sucks and so hopefully the one place I can walk to but the other I would have to take the bus and I have been too afraid to try taking the bus yet so I should try to do that first. Then I panic on how I will do if I even get an interview and omg have to talk to someone and they always ask stupid questions that there is no good answer for and I am not good at conversations and talking to people. Then ofcourse I panic about the jobs themselves and if I will suck.

Right now I am just panicking over the applications because i can't remember the years I worked eh and I have to come with with references when I don't know anyone....

But then I start to plan out this big thing in my head-
step 1 get my GED.
step 2 get my drivers permit, learn to drive, get license.
step 3 work on my panic attacks- getting out more, walking daily, being healthier, talking to strangers, ride the bus, etc...
step 4 get a job

but perhaps that is just an excuse, just trying to stall. It isn't like I can't do all of that while I look for a job.

Fast Break Goals

So I have been reading the Spark Book and am on the section for starting out with Fast Break Goals. All about setting small simple goals and following through on them for a whole week.

I think this will be a great start for me. I have not been doing well at all. Stress is over taking me and I just fall apart. But hopefully this will jump start my spark and I will succeed!

I will follow these goals for this first week feb 1-7th and then move on to the next step.

My Goals:

• Eat fruit & veggies everyday. I want to eat a serving of fruit or veggies with every meal.
• Do atleast 10 mins of exercise 5 days a week.
• Write in my journal daily.
• Drink more water. I am setting a goal of atleast 1 glass of water a day. I sometimes don't drink any so that will get me started atleast.
• Meditate atleast 3 days a week

I am really excited about this and know I can do it!

Also I have been using my crockpot making chicken and then separating it out into 3oz servings and freezing them. So I have a simple meal anytime or to use for my meals all week. I so love this and it has really changed my life. So amazing that something so simple can make such huge changes. It was just so easy to cook and then when I am making dinner just toss a portion into the microwave.

Like today I havent been able to go shopping yet and didn't have much to eat in the house. I still had some salsa chicken in the freezer and so I warmed that up with some peppers and onions and then mixed it with some brown rice. Super yummy & healthy and best of all easy.

One of my biggest issues with cooking has been that it is so much work while tossing a frozen pizza in the oven or a frozen meal in the microwave. So this really helps.

I am also hoping that the meditation will help me destress and/or deal with my stress better rather then eating or hating on myself.

Standing on the edge of a cliff

Sometimes it feels like the entire universe is against me. Everything starts going well, I get a day or two of bright sunshine and a happy clear path ahead of me. Then stressers come at me from every angle and the sky is cloudy and I feel like crap. Things just fall apart all around me.

Part of it is just that I am not good with dealing with stress at all. I just want to give up, stuff my face with comfort food and lay in bed all day.

Right now I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Everything that is going on just has kept pushing me and pushing me farther until here I stand one foot step away from the edge. I have two choices here. I can either just let myself fall. It feels so easy & simple. I am so tired of fighting and just to let go and release it all and fall into nothingness would just be nice. To just give up and end all of this. Or I could jump. IDK where I would land maybe another cliff, maybe on some perfect path into happiness. It would take so much work and effort and I would need to summon every bit of strength I have and then I don't even know if it would be worth it. If I would even make it, if I would just end up falling anyways. Or if where I land would be worse. Sure it could be better but who knows? Not to mention that jumping may mean having to release myself of some things first. To let go of things I am attached to, things I love, things I feel I need and things I am just used to. Can I even do that?

It is difficult. And I hate it. That whole between a rock and hard place fits well. Because I am stuck with only bad choices that I do not want to make or even face. let me hide under the blankets and let it all go away but the universe says no :(


DH & i are fighting big time right now. Last night we were playing a game & we died. He is upset but starts going on about how we can't do it this way and it is pretty much on me so ofcourse I get upset feeling like he is putting me down and saying I wasn't doing good enough.

Even if that is not his intent, we are both upset and it is hurting my feelings and I just want him to stop talking about it and stop rubbing it in. Let it go so we can calm down and not fight over this. I ask him to stop. he doesn't listen. He just keeps making it worse and will not let it go and it is becoming more attacking of me with every second. So I am finally in tears begging him to stop and then yelling at him to just shut up. So since I am just yelling for him to shut up he decides the best coarse of action is to throw two bottle caps at me. They were little but we are not that far away and he threw them hard. One hit me right in the breast and left a big red mark and stung really really badly.

I do not understand this. If you see someone you care about in tears and visibly upset from what you are doing, why not just stop? It is as if you just want to "win", he just wants to feel "right" and doesn't mind throwing me on the fire to be.

I leave the room and calm down and come back to finish the game, because other people were involved and it wasn't fair to them. Afterwards we start talking about it again i can't remember how. But I tell him I just want him to apologize for treating me like that & throwing the thing at me. He says he won't and then later says he knows he should, but won't until I apologize. I ask him what I need to apologize for?

Apparently I should apologize for calling him a jerk, when he was acting like one and because I said I was sick of this. I think that is absurd. I said both things when he kept pushing me until I was in tears, begging him to stop and him being really mean and hurtful to me by then. He WAS being a jerk and I was sick of this. I am not going to apologize for that, because I am not sorry for saying either of those.

So then he starts really being just mean towards me. I am upset and he just goes off attacking me. He starts calling me emotional crazy & he is so sorry that he works to take care of me while I just sit at home playing with the cats. I mean why? Why just start bringing up things that have nothing to do with anything except to hurt me even more, attack me and upset me? because yeah it worked it upset me alot. So nice that the person I love and is supposed to care about me loves to rip me apart and make me feel like nothing.

I then very upset say fine you don;t have to take care of me at all anymore I will leave. I go to grab the phone off his desk saying I will call my sister. He pushes me away grabbing it himself so I can't. I go towards him and say just give me the phone. And he starts punching me. Swinging his arm all around smacking me all over my arms and hands. I finally just lightly push his monitor askew and then run to the bathroom and lock the door so he can't come in.

I was actually scared of him. I was all red and sore. Plus I have cuts all over my hands from my rats and while he was hitting me he split them open all over my hand so I was bleeding. And cleaning that off stung real nicely :(


He just is abusive to me. Not like he comes home and just beats me all the time or gives me black eyes or if the towels are not lined up perfectly smacks me or anything. But he will hit me or throw stuff at me if he gets mad. And he is very emotional abusive. He puts me down and makes me feel like crap about myself whenever we fight. He just has very strong control issues, where he has to be right, things have to be his way. He can never be wrong. If I even dare say that he is not perfect, if he did something the wrong way or even saying he hurt my feelings he takes all of that as me being mean to him and attacking him. i do not understand how his mind works that way. But it makes it impossible to talk to him.

I kindof feel like he doesn't want me to be better or happy. Everytime things start picking up for me there he is to pull me back down, to stress me out and make me feel like crap. And it is not just that but other things too. Like our issues with the store and transportation- I don't drive so I rely on him to take me shopping. We go once a week on his days off. And he always wants to go late at night even though on the one day we have an obligation and the other day he has to get up early to open the next day. So he will wait to the last minute and then rush me through the store often.

Well first i will suggest "hey its blah blah time and getting late lets go to the store"- he will respond with "don't tell me when to go I will go when I want". okay.... so then I try 'what time to you think you will want to go to the store?" His response- "when I feel like it" not only are his responses like that but he also gets mad and will often yell them at me like I asked the most horrid question ever.

Then the next week comes and I am scared to even ask him about the store at all because I do not want to be yelled at. So I don't say anything all day to him about it. He waits until it is super late and we can't go and then says why didn't you say anything to me about the store? I am not even kidding! Color me confused- if I say something (& I mean I say one thing I don't just sit there asking 50 times) I am annoying and being buggy, if I don't then I guess I didn't want to go. I just do not know what the correct answer is there. I try to ask him but he just gets mad at me for not knowing I guess.

It is just like he expects me to be ready and waiting all day long for when he feels like it. But I must be ready and make it known I am ready without being buggy or saying anything. I honestly feel like he is just being controlling. Driving and the store is something he has complete control over me with and he uses it to punish me and just show his control. I sometimes think he won't go when I want to just be mean. And on the opposite side he will get all ready sometimes and tell me we can go and treats it like a rewards I should be so happy about- not very often but really how is any of that supposed to make me feel?

Then we also have back when I was first losing weight and being so healthy and taking such good care of myself. I was so happy and doing so well. And he started just being so horrible to me. He didn't want to take me to the doctors. He wouldn't even try to help me. Little by little he kept pushing at me until I fell apart and I said fine and stopped going to the doctors, stopped taking care of myself and was miserable. I don't completely blame him, I don;'t want it to sound like I do. I know I was the one who made the choices but he made it very easy to make the bad ones.

I think about what it would mean if I got better. if I was able to take care of myself. if I learned to drive and got a good job. I wouldn't need him. Does he feel threatened by that? maybe that is why.

I just do not know anymore. I do know the currently this relationship is just toxic for me. But what can I do?

He still has not fixed the insurance for me. I need him to for sure.

I need to take care of myself. I need to get a job. I need to just focus on me. I am going to stay here unless he kicks me out, which I do not think he will. I am just not leaving behind my pets. But I think for now we are done. I am not sleeping in the same bed as him anymore. I took off my wedding ring. It might not be over idk yet but it needs to be not a worry for me right now. I can not focus on everything at once. I can not spread myself all over trying to fix it all. And this...it takes two to fix and I do not think he is willing to try.

When he is home I will stay away from him. He has two days off and I will busy myself going out, or cleaning or in the bedroom reading. On the days he opens when he comes home early I will just do the same. On the days he closes I will barely see him and go to bed before he gets home.

I can walk to the store nearby for some food. Which will probably help me lose weight alot lol. I will look for a job nearby so I can walk to it. I still won;t be able to drive but I can get a bike maybe and there is a bus that i can look into so I can get to doctors and such. I will put alittle money aside each week once I get a job and save up enough to move out or whatever maybe.

I have ignored issues and pushed them aside my entire life so it shouldnt be too hard to do it with him. It may not be the right answer but I don't have one. Everything sucks. Every choice is not one I want to make.

So I will just do what I can little by little & hopefully things get better.


Honestly I think if I was better, if I felt good about myself and could drive and had my own money that maybe I would just leave.I do love him so much. But sometimes love is just not enough. I have this naive view where everything should just work out like some romantic movie. Love saves all and nothing else matters as long as you are in love. Like so many other things in life it turns out I might just be an idiot. That life doesn't really work that way. Maybe I am this horrible person and not worthy of love. Maybe I do not deserve anyone better. But I want something better. I want someone who is happy to see me, happy to listen to me. Someone who will hold me all day long and watch movies with me. Someone who makes me want to be a better person and brings out the best in me.

But maybe I will die alone with a bunch of cats....

Building a foundation

I am still dealing with my biggest struggle- sleep. I have so many issues with getting to bed on time. I think partly it feels like I am going to miss something. Like I have all this time that I could be doing stuff and instead I am sleeping. But that makes zero sense since I end up then sleeping in and all that time I could be doing something useful lol

I also have to deal with the issue of pets & husband. On the days my DH doesn't open he stays up late which encourages me to do the same but it isn't his fault & I could just go to bed alone- its my choice. But it is a difficulty with the pets. See currently during the day the rats are in our computer room while the birds are in the bedroom. At night I put the rats in the bedroom and birds in the computer room. The birds will get quite noisy in the morning and being woken up to that is not fun lol. So I am like trying to stay up so I can put the birds in the other room but have to wait until my husband isn't in there with the tv/light on so the birds can sleep. Sigh. But on the other hand if I am getting up early then it would make sense to just leave them in the bedroom since it wouldn't matter. So something for me to think about there.

I was talking on the forums I visit and got some good ideas for meals. I am really striving to be on plan 100%. I HAVE to have a clear firm path to follow. If I don't I will be distracted, overwhelmed and unfocused and that all leads to me falling apart. Like some of my biggest issues is that I won't eat. I just get busy/distracted and say one more minute and then I will and end up not eating all day long and then I finally eat and am starving and binge out until I couldn't eat another bite. Or I will just never have a real meal and graze on whatever all day long never feeling full. It is some bad habits there that I hope to change.

So I have a really great plan. I am going to follow this until march when I hit my mini goal and then I will maybe fix it up some more idk.

Anyways it is as follows:

Breakfast- steal cut oatmeal, with flaxseed and fruit. Maybe add a hardboiled egg or a glass of milk with it.

Lunch- A turkey sandwich on wholewheat, maybe a pita. Lots of veggies. A serving of fruit and cottage cheese.

Dinner- I will pick one recipe each week and probably have it be from the crockpot or a casserole and freeze it in portions for the whole week!

Snacks- One snack will be a small smoothie because I love them lol probably early between breakfast and lunch.
Then my other can change a bit- some fruit, a cheese stick, some almonds, sugar free pudding or jello.


My exercise plan will be to get up early and walk Sun, Mon, Tues. Rest on Wed. Thurs do Wii stuff. and rest on fri/sat. I'll up that later.

So I am doing good. Building up my foundation right now.

Huge WOW moment

I haven't weighed in for quite a while (october) and ofcourse I was afraid of that mean scale lol but I actually am down a whole pound so yay!

The funny thing is though that as I went around and updated my new weight on the sites I am on and my tickers, I noticed something just far too lovely. 22 lbs lost 44 more to go. (technically it is 21.2 & 44.8 but the one site doesn't count the half pounds it rounds up lol)

It hit me like a brick. Full stop. Big WOW moment. I have lost 1/3. If I do this two more times that is it= GOAL!

I have lost 20lbs. I did that and no one can ever take that from me. It took some time and effort. It felt like I was going through hell some days. I tripped and fell and got back up to trip some more. But I did it. And not once but twice! Because I lost 20lbs then gained it back then lost it again. Even if right this second I gained it all back. I still lost it before- I did that. I had have that strength, courage, willpower and focus to do it. So much self doubt & fear and there it is proof that can stand up against anything that I am stronger then I think I am.

I can find a million reasons to tell myself how this is impossible and how I can not do it. But umm HELLO I can do it. I did do it. I just want to frame that on my wall in huge letters- 22 lbs lost 44 more to go & every single moment I want to give up just look at it and be like nope girl you can do it.


It is funny how such little things can be the biggest most meaninful wow moments.


I want to shout it from rooftops. I am so happy I can not stop smiling.

Life is good. I am horribly sick but I actually still feel good. I am still reading the spark book. Fitting in bits of reading here and there. I love it. I really can not recommend it enough. It is giving me such wonderful inspiration. 

One of the things I am reading right now is how it is the little things and that small accomplishments add up. It is like you want to take on the whole mountain and if you don't you are a failure when really every single hill you cross gets you closer and you still did and it is meaningful and something. Far better then sitting and doing nothing.

Epiphany

So I had an epiphany (& I can't believe I actually knew how to spell that lol). Actually I had several...

1. Just because the afternoon will likely be warm and/or fairly nice out does not mean it will be at 6am lol Infact it is going to be very chilly & for some reason where I live it seems to always be wet and/or rainy as well.

2. I should always bring tissues when I go out walking. Because that chilly wind smacks me right in the face and next thing I know my eyes are watering and my nose is running like mad. It just is not a pretty feeling!

Ok now in all seriousness. Last night I was taking a shower & praying. Yes I like to pray in the shower. I think the water is just very symbolic & relaxing plus it is kindof like the water is cleansing emotionally as well as physically.

Anyways I was praying and realized a whole mess of things. Thank you Goddess! The entire switch to getting on track started with a blog post- And So She Screams- Part One. How I turn away from my spirituality and everything else at my darkest moments. I wall myself in and hope it will just go away when it won't by itself. I have to be an active participant in my life. I don't have control of everything. Bad things will happen but I can choose the path I take after them. I stumble on my path and end up falling down a long hill. I can't just sit there hoping someone will come along and pick me up and set me back where I was before. I have to get up. I have to dust myself off. I have to decide if it is worth it to climb back up the hill, go farther down, go around, whatever.

Which brings me to the fact that I have no idea where to go from here. And I think it is because I don't know me. I haven't just been hiding from the world but from myself as well. I have no idea what is best for me right now. It reminds me of that quote that says you can't love someone else until you truly love yourself.

I need to take care of myself. I need to find myself. I need to get healthy inside and out. And learn to love myself. Working out, exercising, getting out of the house and then seeing a therapist.


Today I took my walk - 2 miles. And it was amazing. It is finally like I hit that wall and pushed through it. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't hard. It felt good. I walk out one mile & then turn around and walk back for a mile. Around the 1 mile mark I started feeling blah and like omg am I there yet? lol. But as soon as I turned around it was a breeze. I wasn't feeling like I would die. I made it home and didn't want to collapse on the floor. The first day I started walking when I got home I just fell to the floor and cried in pain. What a difference!

I am getting better. Changes are happening. And I love it.

A big deal tonight is that I am going to walk 3.22 miles. I decided I would treat myself and go to the movie theater. It isn't too far from my house but the farthest I have walked straight out yet. 1.61 miles. It is a small place just two theaters lol so I didn't have many movie options but that footloose looks interesting. I loved the first one. The only bad thing is that it will mean I am walking home at 9pm. But as I just have to walk straight down main street where there is lots of traffic and lights I am sure it will be ok. 

Me -1 Fear -0

So I already blogged today but after getting home from my walk I had more to say lol.

I had a plan today. I was going to walk down to subway which is a bit from my home, I haven't walked that far yet, and get lunch then walk to rite aid to pick up a few things then go home.

Well I was a nervous wreck going out the door. I like walking early in the morning before the world has woken up so so much more. Like I said before i live right on the main street and traffic is busy and it makes me feel all paniced and I hate it.

So I start walking & I wanted to call my mom but she was at work & my sis was busy driving. So I couldn't call them. The traffic was really bad and I began to have a panic attack. I literally had to stop twice and I was completely freaking out. I was like I can't do this. I won't make it. My legs are already hurting. And swoosh all the negativity began to fill me up- what was I thinking? I can't walk all the way to subway? etc...

I pushed just alittle bit further and decided to just hit riteaid and go home. Once I got into the store I was still a panic mess. I jumped into an aisle that no one was in and I actually cried alittle. So embarrassing. But shopping is a cure all. And as I looked around the store I relaxed and felt 100 times better.

I got some water too and when I checked out I just sat outside the store for a few minutes and contemplated the situation. Should I go home? Or should I continue on to subway? I decided to go on. Yay me! I made it too. I stopped at the dollar store right next to subway first to kindof cooldown then got food and turned around and went home.

It is kindof funny how I can be in such pain feel like I am gonna die but if I keep walking it seems to get easier. Like it doesn't really hurt but my muscles are just like screaming- omg you are crazy! We could be sitting at home on the couch stuffing our face. *cry* *cry* I don't wanna walk.
lol But then they give in and relax.

I ended up being out of the house walking and shopping for 3 hours!! Crazy. I feel so good and pumped right now too. Though I am very tired too lol.

Fear is really hard for me. I am sick, it is a panic disorder and everyday this is something I will have to deal with and face. But I am facing it and making strides towards being better. I am very happy!

Its a rollercoaster

One day I am up. The sun is shining, the sky is blue. I raise my hands high into the air and smile. I am full of positive motivated energy. I have hope & self love. Everything is right or will be & nothing can stand in my way.

The next day the clouds roll in. The sky is now dark and grey. It rains and not happy fun rain but icky cold wet rain. All my energy is spent. I am tired and lazy and all I want to do is curl up in bed, cry alittle and drown out all the noise of the world.

I am up & down and back and forth every week it seems. Like alittle rubber ball bouncing all over the room. I need control & focus. And nothing will every change until I take it.

The biggest thing I keep talking about almost everday, and most definitely every time I stumble is the issue of sleep. Right now it is my biggest obstacle. It is hard and that is a lame excuse. I realize that I have come into the habit of not having a proper schedule. My body has come to expect sleeping in and staying up until I can't keep my eyes open and passing out. And creating change in that will not happen overnight (lol) it will take alot of time to create a real schedule.

I know my issue and that is a start. But just stating that over and over doesn't actually change anything. I need to create an actual plan to fix it and then take the actions towards that goal.

I will be going to bed at midnight everynight- wed-sat and getting up at 8am. That is 8 hours of sleep. Sun-Tues I will go to bed at 11pm (that is the earliest I can get to bed those days) and be getting up at 5:30-6am. Perhaps I can take a small nap on those days to make up for it?

Hopefully this is one start to changing the rollercoaster behavior. I completely fell apart Tues & Wed. Because I stayed up late every night but still woke up early sun/mon to walk. and I got a ton of stuff done on sunday. So by the time tuesday hit I was purely and completely exhausted. I couldn't move much less get anything done. And wed shared the same tired no energy feeling and it let me skip out on my routine- I didn't eat right, I didn't workout. I threw all my plans out the window. And I can't let that happen. It is a slippery slope until i am back to stuffing my face and not getting off the couch.

It is all hard. But I can do it. I need to remind myself that I have the control. It is my life. My choices.

Today I am gonna go for a walk and do alittle shopping and stop for lunch at subway. I am absolutely nervous as hell. My stomach is a wreck. But I am still gonna go and have fun. Then I get to come home and clean my house that i let fall apart tues/wed while I was in such a funk. bleh lol

The scale does not rule my journey

So Friday I was flipping out & worrying that the scale kept going up up up- it showed me at like 213.8 or something crazy like that. I was depressed and discouraged but I channeled that energy into something positive to try harder and be truly focused.

But today was my true weigh in day. I stepped up onto the scale still a bit upset and feeling like the scale was my worst enemy. And what happens? I am down. I lost weight! 211.6 lbs. The exact weight I was at the week before, last week I had gained .4lbs and this week I lost it again. Weirdness all around. But I lost so yay!

But that once again leaves me at .4 little bitty lbs away from having lost 20 lbs total so far. That is just pure motivation. I think what is really pushing me is that I have done this before. Last time I was doing really good and got to ONEderland and was 190-something. I felt amazing and looked good. I was no where near goal and still overweight but I looked and felt so much better & so much more confident. When I could feel my collar bone and the beginning to feel my ribs. I couldn't keep my hands off myself- which sounds very weird lol- but I would just run my hands all over the bones like omg this is new yay! I can just barely feel the hint of my collar bone now but it is there waiting to poke out.

I think it really helps me to stay focused. I am really close to where I was before and I can do this and I want it so badly.

On that note and along with alot of comments on my last blog- NSV (non scale victory). I have to remember that the scale is not the be all. Our bodies are complex moody things. Who taunt us with jumping up in weight then two days later jump back down farther. I don't understand it- water, sodium, muscles, weird cosmic energy waves- who knows?

I read the forums and I read blogs and it seems like a recurring issue for so many of us. Being ruled by the scale. So easy to throw everything else out the window if the scale stays something ugly. It is silly and we all know better but that number just taunts us.

I would love to say that it won't own my butt anymore but probably next week I will be right here crying over it again. lol

BUT... I won't let it be everything. I will remind myself of every little NSV. Because it is all of those little tiny things that add up and make it what it is.

I am only on my third week in and yet I feel amazing. I have energy and this light, I just feel like I shine. I am taking better care of myself and my cats and birds and my apartment. I am happier. Bad things happen and usually it would have left me crippled and now I am finding it so much easier to shake it off and recover. Before I would lay in bed every morning and not want to get up. I had nothing to care about. Now I am getting up at 6am excited to get outside in the beautiful morning and walk. That in itself is amazing.

I won't always be perfect. I will stumble, trip and fall on my face somedays. But I will also smile and laugh and feel amazing.

One yet another note- must watch my sodium because it can so easily go overboard and drink more water!

Oh and I am also very excited about some more cooking experience I am having. I super suck in the kitchen but slowly am working on improving. I found a great website- http://www.skinnytaste.com/ and I made for my husband last night potato soup. Real soup homemade from scratch. I mean never in my life could I imagine doing that before lol. It was completely easy and really no fuss at all but still it is just huge for me. I am very proud of myself. It was also healthy and really good. I made it just for him because it does not sound like something I would like at all- I am very picky. But I tasted it and it was delicious! So creamy and smooth- perfect comfort food. And had a ton of cauliflower in it but you couldn't even taste it. Crazy. Tonight I am going to make two recipes from that site. A Skinny Chicken Parmesan & Baked Zucchini Sticks. Yum! Zucchini is my favorite veggie so I can't wait. Very excited to see how well I can do it lol

Laziness

I am not really lazy. I know some may disagree with that (pfft lol) but I really am not. I am not saying I do not have my lazy days ~ we all do. But my real problem is not being lazy.

My real problem is focus. I have two big issues. I am so easily distracted. I can make the best plans, have everything layed out and be more then willing to put in the effort and be ready to do it. But then it's like "ooo something shiny" and I am distracted and before I know it 4 hours have gone by.

The other issue which goes along with focus still is that I can be easily overwhelmed. I plan too big without enough wiggle room. I set my sights on the mountain instead of the hill. Sometimes it is ok to go for the mountain but you have to be ready for that part. You can't skip steps 1-9.I turn into this unfocused mess where my mind just bounces around until it all is just spinning. I panic and curl into alittle ball.

 This isn't news to me. I can define my issues very well. The problem lies in solving them. I have learned time and time again that if I want to get things done I MUST have a definite plan- if it is too lax I will be too distracted or not knowing what to do. I must also not plan to do everything at once. It is like I pick a day and say today I will do every single thing perfect! umm no that just isn't possible. It is ok to keep the mountain as a goal but you need to take the baby steps to get there. Each hill in your way you have to cross first. I don't get to have some super human leap a mountain thing.


On the flip side I have come to realize that my husband is lazy. It is probably a huge issue that leads us to many fights. He has very little motivation and just doesn't want to put in any effort. I know I have ranted before about cleaning issues. It really bugs me to no end. I can not stand messes and clutter. My mood is just too sensitive and if my house is a mess it just like drags me right down with it. And once things are trashed that whole overwhelming thing takes over and I can't get it done. I know that makes zero sense to some. But it is like the dishes. I can wash a sink full of dishes but if I let them pile up I panic- I don't see it as just dirty dishes it is like a huge mountain of dishes that there is no way in the world I can get through it all. I know that sounds silly. And I have been working through that little issue & getting way better. I keep my house very clean now.

But it is like DH will have a trash can right next to his desk and I look over and his desk is covered in trash. How does that make any sense? I ask him to please put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. We have a hamper in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. And yet instead of putting them in either he leaves them on the floor. There is a pile of dirty clothes of his on my bedroom floor 2 feet from the empty basket.... seriously! And he leaves dishes in the bedroom all the time. I will do dishes then notice I missed all the silverware covering his desk. And like the other day he was like we need to buy more bowls because all the ones we had right then were dirty or in the fridge with leftovers. We have 6 bowls more then enough for 2 ppl. I was like hell no. If you want to use a bowl wash it. I am the one who does the dishes and I am not washing a huge pile of dishes because you do not want to wash one that happens to be dirty. bleh

I kindof blame his parents for this. I mean yeah he is an adult but I think cleaning is one thing that you gotta start kids young with to develop those habits. I somewhat did. My mom just was very lax, if it is dirty clean it up doesn't need to be a whole issue lol but she didn't wait on us. If a dish was dirty we would have washed it. If we were hungry we would have cooked something. His mom did too much for him. She wouldn't just do his laundry but fold it and put it away too. I am not saying anything bad towards them- I love his family, But I wish they would have kicked his ass a bit more lol :)

And it is just not with cleaning. I pay all the bills. Because when he was in charge of it things would not get payed on time. If distracted crazy me can keep track and pay them all on time then you know he has to have some serious problems lol. Anything that needs to be done he will procrastinate it and have no effort or will to even care to get it done.

It is just the entire opposite of me. My virgoness is straight on for that. They say virgos are perfectionists.



This wasnt all supposed to be a rant on the DH lol. I just am annoyed and needed to release some steam there. I am going to start everything back up this next week. Starting Friday. Eating better, exercising and with the daily rituals. I am going to go slow. Starting off with a few days a week. and I just have to do the rituals. I am also going to plan a meal once a week so I will be cooking again- yay me :)

I just wanna keep waiting until things are perfect. and i have to remind myself things wont ever be. Yeah my mood sucks and I wanna bury all my stress into junk food and doing nothing but whining but that is not going to help and it won't make me feel better. Its always difficult with food. I go shopping on DHs days off. And we fight and then I go shopping and my plans go out the window and I buy crap because it feels like a safety blanket. but I eat it and feel like crap and it starts this same nasty cycle. I have been eating so so badly. I cupcakes(i did eat them without frosting-do I get points for that?) and brownies and icecream and so much pasta. I have had headaches and been dizzy & the black mold is back in the toilet like extra crazy lots of it- which happens when diabetics don't take care of themselves and they pee an extra lot and all that extra sugar comes out and the mold grows. For real how nasty is that? I just feel like somedays I am trying to kill myself a really horrible slow death.

But I will do better. I have to.

Whispers of a balance

Mind, Body, Soul.

I believe real happiness comes from these things being in balance. and I am striving to find that place. I think meditation is a big one for me. My mind can be so scattered, so stressed. I love to meditate. If you have never meditated before it is hard to put into words how it feels.

I am trying to meditate and pray everyday. I want to have that connection. And I know in all truth that it will help me immensely with the panic attacks and pain and the depression.

For my body it is a work in progress to get started...I am exercising again after a million excuses that kept putting it off.

Tomorrow will be better is all I can say.

Oh look a collar bone!

This is gonna be a positive post for once. I swear people who read my blog often might think I am bipolar with my mood swings lol

I am actually just in a great mood today. Sun is shining, birds are singing kindof day :) So I thought I would channel that energy and focus my thoughts and blog some.

It is funny how things can go just awful and yet somehow lead things to be better. I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu and while it was truly horrid it also has managed to reach out and catch me just as i was losing my way and brought me right back to my path with new insight and opened eyes I guess.

For starters not being able to keep anything down left me with a hefty weight loss this week. Which I do not consider a good thing or actually "counting" because I would rather lose it the right way and if I had any choice in the matter I would would never go through that in the first place even if it meant losing all the weight in the world lol!!!

But on the flip side the loss took me to my goal of losing my first 20lbs. Now I am actually not counting it because I KNOW I will gain some of this weight back next week so it does not feel right to celebrate just yet. but seeing it right there in front of my face just feels amazing. It was like a little reminder of hello you can do this!


Secondly small changes are popping up that have me so excited in a way only my fellow weight loss sisters can possible understand....

I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONE!!!!

I remember the first time I was losing weight and I lost 20lbs all the amazing changes my body went through. I lose weight first in my collar and shoulders and apparently I am sticking to that pattern again lol. It was funny because last time if you had looked at me in that area you would have thought I was tiny skinny but the rest of me was still big lol.

Now I haven't lost enough yet for it to all pop out but I can feel it there! I can't keep my hands off myself now! (not in a pervy way lol) I just keep running my hands over my collar & shoulders over and over because its so new!!!

It is really an amazing feeling! and then there is also the fact that my legs have gotten smaller and I can slip on/off my winter boots without zipping/unzipping them. And my jeans without unbuttoning them- actually my jeans barely stay up now lol.

My stomach is weirding out though into this misshapen mess. But idk if that is the weight loss or being sick and not eating did it or a mixture? We will see if it fixes out? And I am not really sure how to describe a misshapen belly lol. I tried to tell my husband and he gave me the strangest look and was like what do you mean misshapen? lol

if you don't know me, well I gain like all my weight in my stomach. So I have a big stomach :( Well right now the sides are like sunken in some which idk if it looks any different or not but it feels totally different (more of me running my hands all over the new stuff lol)




So anyways along with all of those changes I have also gained some perspective I guess. Things don't need to be so complicated. I think I need a giant poster saying that because truly it might be my biggest issue. It doesn't need to be all or nothing. Every little oops is not the end of the world. I don't need to rack my brain with self doubt on every tiny step I make wondering if I am doing it right or wrong.

I saw on the forums I visit someone posted a link to meal plans- 
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/ Scroll down to the left hand side. It shows full menus. It gives me some good ideas. I think I am going to just keep things simple for a while like that.

Anyways I still feel a bit sick. My appetite is not fully back yet and my body is still sore and weak and yucky lol. Hopefully I feel all back to normal by friday which is when me and the DH are celebrating our valentines day.

This is the story of a girl, Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

I hit face first into a brick wall and fell straight down onto my ass with a crash. One week has passed and I have just retreated into a sad depressed pity party. I ate bad & didn't count a thing, I didn't exercise at all. And I have cried alot.

I feel like I have this hole inside my chest. Like someone reached inside of me and ripped out a piece of me. It feels so empty and yet it aches a real pain.

It is just so difficult. I don't think anyone can understand. I try to talk to them and they act as if I have an off/on switch and all I need to do is turn it on and be happy.

It is really bad. I just hurt and it feels like I am struggling to keep my head above water and it takes every shred of energy, every bit of motivation to just get out of bed. and then I feel so lifeless to do anything. All i can find myself doing is crying.

I tried to talk to my husband last night and he fell asleep in the middle of me talking. I'm not mad at him it was like 3:30am and he was exhausted and we were in bed.

Even though I did nothing this week I still lost 1.2lbs. How? idk... that makes zero sense to me at all. I do everything right (exercise and count calories) and I lose 1.2lbs then I do nothing and I still lose the same amount? really now?

and this is what I don't understand, I can do so bad sometimes. I can eat pizza and go way overboard with everything and binge out like i have ZERO self control. and yet I go shopping and I am super good. I was in the chip/pop aisle with my husband because he wanted chips and omg I soooo wanted pop. I would have gotten diet dr pepper cherry and wanted it really bad. But I told myself no pop, even diet. When I drink it I almost have no water and it just is bad for me. & I did great. I just walked out of the aisle and didn't get any.

They have all the vday candy & chocolates I didn't even look at any of it. I didn't pick up frozen pizza or pizza rolls. I hate that they have all those cupcakes in the bread aisle but I walked right on by without a second glance.

How? How can I do so good sometimes and other times not? I don't get it.

I think everything would be alot better or perhaps more simple if I could just figure out what was going on with myself lol

I am struggling I really am. But I haven't given up yet. and that is what is important. I know this isn't just about losing weight. It is about taking care of myself and being healthy which will make me feel better body, mind and soul. It is a really rocky road but I will just keep climbing.

Sunday weigh in- 15lbs lost

Today is this bad/good day all rolled into one. sigh.

First the good. Woohoo *happy dance* I lost 1.4lbs this week bringing me to a total of 15.2lbs lost!!!! That is not just good but great news :) On top of it I have lost some inches here and there which is great too. Though it also means my clothes are getting wacky lol.

For example I bought sports bras a good while back. This 3 pack. They were a bit tight on me. Now they are a bit loose so it is not very comfortable. While I was working out the other day I lifted my arms up and the bottom flag rolled up!! It didn't want to stay in place. But it is tough because I know I have just gotten the ball rolling and will be dropping more weight & not having alot of money to go buy new stuff every other week or whatever.

My pants are having some issues staying up as well lol! So even though I haven't been losing a ton of weight this month it seems I have lost inches or whatnot.

Now the bad... I am stressed to the brim. Trying not to throw myself under the bus. But when you are an emotional eater being depressed and stressed just makes it so much harder. I am having alot of marriage issues. It seems every single time my husband is around we fight. /vent- he is just an immature, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate ass!!!! I'm just sick and tired of feeling like my thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter.

I just feel like I am finally getting strong enough to lift myself up and he is the one tearing me down.

and to make matters worse I am in such a horrible situation that I know I put myself in (self hate awarded for that) that it doesn't matter. It is like I am in this tiny little box that I put myself in and I can't get out right now so what does it matter??

I think part of the solution to atleast grant me some freedom and strength would be for me to be able to get my license and drive. & Then to get a job. But oh no I have to be agoraphobic panic attack girl who can't leave her house or deal with people or the big scary world.

So idk... is part of the problem just the fact that I must depend on him or is it more? Sometimes I wonder if I could drive, had my own money would I still be here? and right now I just don't know...

and don't get me wrong. Some days I love him more then anything and I can't imagine my life without him. It just seems that those times are too few and inbetween.


I just need to focus on myself right now. Take care of my body. Let it build my courage, my strength. Things will get better.

But for now I'll celebrate my victories. I won't give up like I usually would in this situation. Yay for 15lbs down!!!! I think upping my calories helped me alot this week. I just need to make sure I don't binge!!

Weigh in day- Must get focused

Exercise:
Wii Yoga & strength 40 mins
My fitness Coach 30 mins
Food Tracker: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F23%2F2011


Today was my weigh in day. I lost .6lbs this week. Not great but any weight is still good progress so yay!

I was abit worried I wasn't going to lose because I didn't have the best week. I ate fatty hamburgers two days in a row. I didn't exercise on most of the days. So really I should be happier about that .6lbs!

My wonderful DH screws me up big time lol. I don't want to blame him because blah blah I know I make my own choices. But it is alot harder for me on his days off. He throws off my schedule horribly. And there is alot of stress there. It pretty much makes me sad. Part of me is like if it was someone else I would give advice that your husband should be there to lift you up not pull you down. He should help to bring out your best not your worst.

So I am just a bit depressed there and it sure doesn't make this change any easier.

Anyways on a much lighter note... I tried flaxseed. I had like no clue where to look for it at the store but I was looking in the cereal aisle for oatmeal. Which I am totally sad because I love Kashi Vanilla Oatmeal and they don't sell it there anymore sigh. Anyways though by the healthy cereals they had a bag of wild roots flaxseed. I was afraid to try it lol But I put some in my smoothie and in my oatmeal. Didn't seem to change the flavor or anything.

I just really want to get myself on track and focused. Right now it feels like I have one foot in and one foot out. Just going back and forth of how much energy I put forward, how hard I try, etc... Some days I am doing really good and then others I just like surrender.  I just need to pull it together.