Control and lack of it

I am not really doing all that well. It is a struggle. Each day, each moment. My biggest issue is control. IDK why but I have deep issues with control. That is why I have my panic attacks, why I can barely leave my apartment. I can't control the world. I can't control what happens and it makes everything feel like a chaotic, scary overwhelming mess.

I was reading a comment left on my last blog over and over and over again. Such wise words she left me.I can't control every little thing but there are things I can control and there are things I can do to make a difference. If I make one change, or even do one thing right it won't in any way line up everything else into perfection but I will feel better in that moment and it can make tomorrow alittle bit better too.

It is just hard to realize that at times.

I feel horribly sick and I know beyond a doubt it is all because of how I am treating myself and my body. I am making myself sick. I want to feel better and by happier.

I am once again finding my spirituality. I am reading tarot and I meditated and prayed. I just sat in my dark bedroom and prayed and cried and it felt amazing. My cat even came and sat next to me and meowed and purred and kissed my tears (are pets not amazing or what?).

I just told myself, ya know everything feels like complete crap. I don't completely understand or know why. All I want to do is curl up and cry right now. I can't control all of my stressers. But I can control some things. I can control if I get up and go do laundry that I have put off for four days now. I can go do the dishes that I have also put off. I can do these things. And they will make a difference, a small one but still a difference.

I am stressed because I don't know what is going on with my husband's job. He says he is going to be fired.

I am stressed because of stupid Easter. We are going to travel to visit my inlaws. I love them alot I really truly do. But it is so difficult for me. I try to explain it and no one understands. Being around nice people who you like- how can that be a bad thing? But I will be in full panic attack mode all day and if someone so much as looks at me wrong I could burst into tears. Not to mention their normal Easter dinner is all things I would never eat. So either I feel left out or they make something else and I feel guilty. On top of it my husband will probably not be understanding or sweet and leave me alone, ignore me, ditch me, or spend way too much time saying goodbye so that we leave late- all making it about 300% harder on me. I understand that he doesn't get how I am feeling or what I am going through completely but we have been together a long time now, we have been through all of this you would think he would get it and try to work with me. sigh

Also two places are hiring near me. I really want a job for oh so many reasons- my own money being the #1 lol. But I am so scared you don't even know to just put in an application. Plus if I do and my DH loses his job then eh what if we have to move idk.

Anyways.... I am trying to be calmer and just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. I am going to eat healthier & just try to be happier.

And So She Prays

Ebb & Flow~ My mood changes could give you whiplash. I feel alot better today is what I am trying to say. I talked to the DH and idk it made me feel better. He is trying.

I am a witch. It is sometimes easy to forget that. Forget my spirituality. Forget what I believe and where I am coming from, what I am connected to.

The Other day was Halloween. It is a major holiday in my religion. I did nothing. It is like not celebrating Christmas seems weird. I gave myself excuses that I am not in the right frame of mind to do anything...lies. Honestly i didn't wish to face that part of myself right now. I am scared and it is really easy to just be upset instead.

Halloween is a combination of many different traditions coming together. You have the celtic Samhain that last harvest festival of the year. In a time where they would slaughter the last of the animals to stock up for the cold and barren winter to come. Nowadays we can run to the grocery store all year long so I think it is hard to imagine. Then combined with All Saints Day & The Day of the Dead to honor and celebrate those who have passed. A moment to think of death, remember those who are not here and to be thankful that we still are. It is the day when the veil between worlds is one of the thinnest.

It reminds me of the Death card in tarot. It doesn't really mean death as in you are dead, soul is gone, breathless and empty. But more it is transition. Change. Like how some people think death is not the end but just a transition between this world and the next.

In my tradition we view the wheel of the year, the cycle of changing seasons, as a story/myth of the Goddesses life. She is born on the Winter Solstice grows up through out the year. On the Autumn Equinox she is Persephone beginning her descent into the underworld and on Halloween she is at the doorway into the darkness. Ready to let go of ego and everything that has held her back and step through-(the transition and release of death) changed ready to be reborn once more like the phoenix.

Samhain comes and it belongs to the Goddess Hekate, the Crone. It is being alone in the darkness with just your thoughts and inner reflections. To turn to look withing and face all that lies there. It seems like a scary time of year but isn't the darkness always a bit scary? To face that which we can't see? To learn to trust ourselves and let go of all we hold on to? What is more scary then our own inner demons?

It is known as the Witches New Year. I love that how the end is also the beginning all in one. I think it can be hard to wrap your head around the idea of that. Like shouldn't now be the end and then the Winter Solstice where She is born be the beginning? But I think it is kindof like stepping through a doorway. The moment you are putting your foot through and making that choice to move forward you are already leaving the past behind and starting something new. Time keeps moving. Each second is gone just like that leading to the next one.

It is kindof like a really great time for all of this and I could gain some wisdom and insight here.

I found this amazing article thattalks about Samhain and learning to release:
http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usor&c=holidays&id=12853

Learning to ride with the flow of energy around us is truly internalizing the old axiom that ‘everything happens for a reason’. Often, we litter our brains with ideas of what could have been or what we should have done differently. Although it is important to self evaluate how we affect our surrounding with our behavior, it is equally important to remember that everything that happened was supposed to happen and nothing else could have happened. With each action we take, we learn and grow, so even one hour after we made a decision, we are a changed person.

We cannot impose our new learning onto our old selves and expect us to have behaved any differently. When we try to, we create havoc in our psyche and lock up our magick powers trying to move them backward. This is an important lesson of the Devil tarot card that comes out at Samhain: we need to learn to let those anxieties die away before we can fully move into the gifts of the coming year.

Anxiety is an internal reaction that occurs when things do not happen or do not respond in the way that we expect them to. When we are anxious, we dampen our ability to receive energy and guidance because we are focusing on the perceived consequences of what is going to occur. Anxiety and fear hinder our abilities to be a part of the energies around us. As egotistical little beings, it is hard to give up our anxieties over what we don’t want to happen. But, perpetually we experience times where the Divine steps in and we do not get exactly what our ego wants because it against the goals of our higher selves.

Witchcraft is just as much about accepting change as it is about creating change. In accepting change, we let our anxiety die away and experience the beautiful energy of the world. In creating change, we knowingly interact and push around those exact same energies.

Samhain, the celebration of Death, is also about accepting and celebrating the beauty of the natural energies of the Universe and ourselves. This is the time where we ritually let the anxieties, the expectations, the desires for change, and the thoughts of how things “should be” die away so that we can see and appreciate the way things are.

With our ego released, we embark upon a period of self-discovery, acceptance, and listening that will prepare us for the full appreciation of the mystery of rebirth at Yule.

The entire article is great but I loved that piece.

I think I will do alot of praying but planning a big ritual this thursday it is the full moon. A good healing ritual. Maybe I will also do a ritual with my DH. We have never done one together before, infact he has never even seen me do a ritual lol. I am fairly private about it all but it might be nice. I am not sure if he would be interested- well not so much in all the religious stuff of it but he might.

Also on another note I got a tarot book that should arrive here soon. BTW stay away from Barnes & Noble their online site is a pain and I had to go through a huge mess with their CS ugh. Anyways I am going to do a whole big tarot study thing and get a new tarot journal. I am kindof tied up because I want a cute little journal with my own thoughts on each card to carry with me but my hand writing is bleh so I partly would rather type it all. But idk how that would work either

Sunrise ~ Sunset

Sunrise
        Sunshine


Today is the Sunday prompt to set my goals & be refreshed as the new week begins. And it couldn't come at a better time.

I feel like my energy can be a rollercoster. I can rise high with strength, hope, inspiration & then fall back down into an overwhelmed pile of emptiness. It makes me think of the sun, rising each morning with new energy but then she falls each night. But she truly isn't gone. And that is what I must remember. My energy will go up and down but it still needs to be held in balance & a more natural rhythm. I need to recognize when I go down and plan that energy in a different way.

So what happened was that before I moved I was pumped with shining bright energy and sparks of ideas. I had plans and knew what I was gonna do. Though at the same time I knew things were going to be hectic with the move. I was planning on creating a routine when my life would be upside down for a few weeks lol. Looking back I should have taken that more into consideration and not beat myself up so much when things went crazy & things were outside my control.

Yet at the same time I let the chaos be an excuse. If something wasn't perfect then I threw it all out of the window.

I have to set my routine and be specific. I know this. I just have to do it. Same with my morning rituals. I need to be more specific. I like spontaneity & the room to flow naturally. But at the same time I have to be honest with myself and the fact that without a defined plan I just do not have to focus to do what I need to do & follow through.

So that is my goal for this week - to put the final details on my routine and morning ritual and then follow through!

May the Goddess bless me with the energy, focus and courage to do so!

And so She Screams: Part Three

In a Magickal state of mind....

My Mantra:
I am STRONG. I am an Amazon Goddess. Nothing can stand in my way. Nothing can stop me from achieving my goals. Not even myself- not doubt or fear. Because I AM stronger then I think I am. Even at my worst, when I am collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears- I can pick myself up. I can wipe the dust off and with it all the excuses. & move forward & grow.

I am strong. I can do it. I will do it.

I suffer from a panic disorder. It can be extremely difficult someday. Doing a simple mundane task can be a chaotic overwhelming mess. I have panic attacks where I feel overwhelmed, lost, and like the world is spinning out of control. 

One of the ways I deal with it is to stop & ground myself. I need to feel connected to the Earth and bring my focus back to reality. So one trick I use is to breath deeply then focus on my breathing. Then I say silently to myself-

"I am a tree. Strong & beautiful. My roots sink deep into the Earth. My branches reach high into the heavens. The Goddess is with me. I am safe & protected."

These are things that I need to remind myself. Focus on.  I think I will plan a healing ritual for tomorrow and then keep these in mind in my morning rituals!

And so She Screams: Part Two

Continued.....

I was reading this amazing blog: http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/
She has a 3 part plan that is just genius. One begins with morning routines, which in truth begins with a night routine of bedtimes. (hint it is almost 5am as I write this and I haven't gone to bed yet....) I felt so much better when I went to sleep at a normal time, and around the same time every night & then woke up at around the same time everyday. I got things done. I was well rested. I read so many articles about health and how sleep is so important.

While I have always been a night owl, I actually love early mornings. The world just beginning to stir. Birds singing. The sun just rising and you can literally feel the warmth washing over you. It is so peaceful & feels just so magickal to me. I have this whimsical fanatasy of waking up early. First thing just running, doing yoga and meditating at my altar, doing a morning ritual/prayer, pulling a tarot card, drinking herbal tea, etc...

 So I have decided to shamelessly copy her example to get me started!

STEP 1: Reality Check
Tell the truth about your situation. 

My situation: Well my DH was working a night shift. This made it hard if I wanted to see him for more then 10 mins a day. We did this before... I was going to bed just as he came home or when he stayed late which is often the case being in bed before he even got home. Then as he stayed up late he would then sleep in late. Which also sucked for me because it was difficult getting anything done when he is asleep and I don't want to wake him up.

One solution would be to just follow his same schedule- but it sucked. Because he wouldn't go to sleep when he got home. He would stay up even later going to be in the early hours of the morning and then sleep until he had to get ready for work. I prefer to be up during the day. Idk but the morning I have always been able to get more done.

BUT.... his new schedule is a 5 day opener. So this gives me an awesome chance to get back on my old schedule. I will set a bedtime. It doesn't have to be in stone but it needs to be prob within 30 mins of it.


Step 2: What do I need to do to feel good?
Pick three things you need to feel good about yourself.

1. Healthy body- All the good things that take care of my body. Exercising, eating correctly (paying attention to my bloodsugar), eating healthy, vitamins.

2. Spirit. Meditation every morning/night, lighting candles and praying. Just giving a moment to focus on my spirituality every day.

3. Mind. I want to journal every day. Even if it is just 5 mins to write a short note. I love to journal. It helps me work out so many of my crazy thoughts and see things from such a more rational perspective.

These 3 things are the core of me feeling better. They are my roots digging deep down into the Earth and establishing a strong foundation for me to grow.

Step 3: Create & Commit to a Routine
And so begins turning all of that into a routine she says.

Ofcourse this is the hard part lol. If I get up right after the DH leaves for work then I can drink some water, pray/meditate, pull a tarot card and only post it to my tarot journal (no details at first). Then do some quick stretching/exercise followed by more water & breakfast (oh and vitamins oops lol)

Then she goes on to part 2 the practical:
http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/05/24/ritual-morning-routine-part-2/

This is all good advice she lists here. Things I probably wouldn't have completely thought about. Obviously setting a bedtime like I said before, but also planning ahead so that everything is ready in the morning. I have my tarot cards, candles ready. I know what I am eating for breakfast, what exercises to do, etc...

& things to stay on track- don't give up if things are not working but instead make changes. & get a buddy- I do have great support and as I have been told need to communicate & share.



I will continue later with step 3- creating a mantra & a collage to help focus my intent!

I really encourage everyone to check out
http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/
it is awesome :)

And so She Screams: Part One

I was thinking of a whisper. Small & subtle. Hinting at something larger perhaps but only alittle tickle in your ear. Is this the Goddesses energy? Something so easily ignored and forgotten?

Before I think I had imagined so. Not in quite so many words. Yet I knew that even though I knew of the Goddess, that I had faith and could reach out and speak to Her on my whim, that somehow she was only a whisper the rest of the time. Something in the back of my mind.

But it occurred to me today as I was thinking of whispers and such that I am very wrong.

No Her voice is not a whisper but a SCREAM!

She sings a song that fills the entire world. The birds singing cheerily within the trees. The thunder booming as Her lightning dances across the sky. my own heart beating. Everywhere I look, everything I hear is filled with Her voice.

So why the whisper feeling? The Goddess is not hiding in the shadows waiting for me. I am the one turning away. Blocking out the world and only focusing on my tragedy.

Basically I have been thinking alot about some things my sister said to me (aren't sisters awesome?) it just seems that when I am in my worst place, feeling so low and hopeless I turn away from the world. Away from my family, away from things I love and care about. And even away from the Goddess. All the things that could make me feel better and yet I block them out. It is like I am in a dark hole hidden from the sun and choose to blow out my candle.

I have never lost the Goddess. She was still there, never leaving me. I just was attempting to block Her out as well so that She seemed only a whisper. I still pray everyday. I talk to Her. I listen to Her, well not apparently well enough huh?

But I have lost my practice. My altar sat collecting dust. Sabbats went by unnoticed. A part of yearned for it but I chose to ignore it still.

But no more!

I can't keep sitting by and waiting for the stars to align. Waiting for everything to be perfect and for me to be ecstatically completely happy- that day will never come. I love the quote- It is the journey not the destination. And it is so true. Things will come together by actions.

~ I also realized that when I was doing really well & was so much happier it was when I had a routine, a daily ritual truly. I need a structure. I need to build up some foundation, sink my roots in deeply and give myself that healthy room to grow from that place. It is the entire root of my problems, not feeling confident, safe, trusting of myself, in control. Instead I feel dizzy, disoriented, overwhelmed, balancing on one foot as the ground beneath me shakes & crumbles!



To be continued.....

Whispers of a balance

Mind, Body, Soul.

I believe real happiness comes from these things being in balance. and I am striving to find that place. I think meditation is a big one for me. My mind can be so scattered, so stressed. I love to meditate. If you have never meditated before it is hard to put into words how it feels.

I am trying to meditate and pray everyday. I want to have that connection. And I know in all truth that it will help me immensely with the panic attacks and pain and the depression.

For my body it is a work in progress to get started...I am exercising again after a million excuses that kept putting it off.

Tomorrow will be better is all I can say.

Of Blue Hair & Tattoos ~ Goals & Rewards!

Exercise:

My Fitness Coach 30 mins (127 calories burned)
Wii Fit Rhythm Boxing 10 mins (47 calories burned)
Wii Free Run 1 mile 14mins (112 calories burned)
Food Tracked: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F24%2F2011



So First of all I decided that I would like to set a goal/reward for myself. Once I lose 20ish more lbs which will put me at 195lbs. I'll be in Onederland! And have lost a total of 36lbs yay!

Anyways when I reach that goal, I am going to dye my hair BLUE! I have always wanted to do it and always felt insecure, self conscious. I want to hide not do things to draw attention to myself or stand out :( And I want that attitude to change to be who I want to be without fear.

I'll go and treat myself to getting my hair trimmed and then have them bleach the hell out of it lmao!

Also I decided that for my birthday which is way far away in September I hope to be close to my goal of 165 if not hit it. So as long as I stay on track I want to get another tattoo.

I really really want a tattoo on my wrist. I was thinking of something spiritual and meaningful to me. I really loved the idea of a triple moon but instead of the moon/circle in the center of two crescent moons I would do like a heart. But then I saw this star and smacked it inbetween two crescent moons and omg I LOVE it!

My DH will flip out. I am sure it will be a fight. He wasn't thrilled with me getting the butterfly on my ankle. But it is my body & not like I am getting something across my forehead or a whole sleeve done lol So he can just deal with it I don't care....

The moon is a very important symbol in my religion. It symbolizes the Goddess and femininity, and to match my goals it represents change ~ the ever changing phases of the moon. The star is a symbol of balance. Each point represents an element earth, air, fire, water and spirit. All tied together.



On another note... I have not been doing well at all. I have not been eating enough calories. :( Bad me. On top of the exercise it is probably not good for me at all. I think part of it is some subconscious fear of eating too much but mostly I think it is just bad planning and time management.

So I have decided to be a bit more specific in my schedule and planning. I need to set a bed time for myself & stick to it and I'll get 9 hours of sleep and make sure to get up the same everyday. Then I am going to split my meals up into 5 meals for the day. Three normal ones and 2 snacks but close to the same calories.

I will make sure I get enough calories in each day.