Day #12 christmas shopping woes

I feel exhausted right now and it is only 7pm...yuck lol. I ended up waking up late this morning, I didn't sleep all that well. But I turned the alarm off in some type of sleepy haze and didn't fully wake up. 45 mins later I woke up though lol Which is kindof nice that I didn't over sleep by hours.

I was reading a blog post here @ Peanut Butter Fingers about streamlining your morning routine. I took it to heart & was alot quicker getting out of the door today. Yay me. It wasn't as cold as it has been, like no wind so that was great too. My legs were killing me but I walked my 3 miles still.

Food wise I didn't do so horrible, not great, but not horrible. I brought out the crock pot and made some chicken. All yummy and super juicy. Then separated it into 3oz portions and put some in the freezer and some in the fridge. I love it. Makes everything so easy to just grab a perfect portion and throw into whatever I am eating.

I got done a bunch of Christmas shopping or well atleast figured out what I am going for with alot of people lol. I get very stressed out. I know that it is the thought that counts, but I want to give someone a meaningful really great gift that they love. And with some people my mind just goes blank lol. My in laws are probably the worst. They don't really have like a "thing" where you can just buy them something for that. Like if someone loves to read buy them a book, if they love to cook grab them a kitchen things. Easy. But they just don't really have alot of things like that and the few things they do, well the have plenty of money and buy whatever they want for themselves lol.

Last year my MiL told us something to get my FiL and then he ended up buying it himself and then my brother in law and we also bought it for him....

The few things we have gotten my MiL she is nice and acts like he likes it but then the next time we visit it isn't out and isn't being used lol.

I don't want to get someone something just because, I want to get them something they like and want and will use. And they won't tell you what they want. My sister & husband is just as bad. So I have no idea for my in laws, sister or husband right now in any way lol

And the worst is that my in laws and sister always give me amazing gifts!

Ofcourse I am super amazingly easy to shop for. I am not just saying that either. I have tons and tons of "things" that you can not go wrong with. I can't believe anyone would be like hmm I have no idea what to get Aimee lol. Plus I also give people ideas because I am nice :)

My husband should be easy but he isn't. I get alot of ideas that I think he would love but he never does. I don't think I have ever given him a gift he has really liked. And while he isn't mean about it, he is just honest... for real it drives me crazy because I believe in sparing people's feelings. Like one time we were at his parents house and his mom made dinner and he straight up was telling her how it could be better. I thought it was so rude and disrespectful. IDK I mean ofcourse honesty is good too, but there is a way to do it so you are just not being blunt I guess. He just doesn't have that filter. So i usually feel like crap about it. But again he won't tell me what to get...


So anyways our new roommate moved in yesterday afternoon. He is nice, alittle bit hyper for me lol. He said he has ADD & I believe it. I am just not used to it and he talks to me alot. I am so shy. I am not a social person as I have a social anxiety disorder. The thought of talking to people usually gives me panic attacks. So it is difficult for me but he mostly has just been doing his own thing.

The only kindof bad thing is my husband's attention is now shared. I blogged before about how I have so little time with him and then he will stay up all night and sleep all day so even when he isn;t working I feel like I don't see him. So last night he ended up staying up ALL NIGHT long so when I woke up at 6:45am he was still awake.... and then went to bed. I was a bit upset because that meant I would spend like no time with him today and it also meant I would be awake all alone with this new guy in my apartment that I don't know...awkward for me.

And then as soon as he woke up, he took the guy out to introduce him to his boss at work then as soon as they got back they left to go pick up his bed because he couldn't get it yesterday. It is a 2 hour drive to where he used to live. So yeah it is now almost 8pm and I have seen my husband for like 20 mins today total and he goes back to work tomorrow.

Also he leaves and doesn't call or text me at all. I hate that. I am not nutty where I want him to check in every 5 mins but text me when u get there to say you made it, text me when you are driving back home to let me know. It is just considerate. let me know you thought about me atleast for a minute :(

Plus I haven't gone shopping this week and we usually go Monday so meh. I am not really too happy.

Even though I am venting a bunch I am not really letting it get to me too much. I can't control other people just how I react. Just focus on myself and what I am doing.

On a good note I made some candle sales. Yay! Ok it was my sister and sister in law... but still :) They are buying to give as gifts so they have to have some confidence that my stuff is gift worthy.

Day # 7 Happy *Almost Turkey Day

I feel like crap. I am not completely sure why. Maybe I am getting sick, the subway I ate last night is messing with me or stress. Either way my stomach is doing cart wheels and refuses to behave. I felt just alittle off this morning when I first woke up but then in the middle of my walk my stomach just flip flopped. I felt so nauseated, it was awful.

I still finished my walk but it took me longer then normal. 32-ish mins on the track for a mile because I kept stopping and/or walking really slow. But I am proud that I didn't stop. And no worries I wasn't being nutty and pushing myself too much. while I did feel yucky I didn't feel like I was going to keel over or anything, I was ok to keep walking I think.

I thought maybe once I got home and ate it would help settle my stomach but not so much. Though I didn't eat super great either. I usually have oatmeal- I make a big pan and then eat the leftovers and ran out yesterday. I didn't want to make more since I am leaving today for Thanksgiving. So this morning I first grabbed a banana then had some cottage cheese because I was craving it. I usually don't like to eat any type of dairy when my stomach is upset, for some reason it just feels weird to me lol. Then I thought duh toast would help so I had some toast.


Anyways... I opened my candle shop officially. Yay me. If anyone is interested it is:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MoonFireWicks
http://www.moonfirewicks.com/
I only put up some tarts, melts and tealights. Hoping to get my candles up by the end of the week.


I have alot to do today. I need to go make some very healthy yummy brownies to take for thanksgiving and then we are driving to my inlaws this afternoon. So I really should get busy lol. I am just hoping my stomach calms down *prays*

Day #5 busy little bee

Today is my husband's day off and I am always afraid that it will totally screw up my schedule but so far so good! I woke up and walked & felt awesome. I am getting way good with all my stretches. I long to be just awesomely ah-ma-zing at yoga but so far I haven't lol. Alot of stuff I just can not do and I worry about the right form. I have a video and look online but I wish I could take a class though yeah right like I would lol. But I am slowly trying to add in stuff. I do the sun salutation, cat/cow and warrior.

Oh how I wish:

I had oatmeal for breakfast, though I almost always eat oatmeal for breakfast lol. With frozen strawberries today my fav! I also started drinking tea every morning with breakfast. Today & yesterday was green tea with orange. Very yummy. I also bought stevia packets for my tea. I just have to have my tea lightly sweetened. I only use alittle. It tastes like real sugar to me lol. I was alittle bit wary of using fake stuff but I think stevia is one of the better ones? eh I hope so lol.

Yesterday I got alot done but didn't at the same time lol. I needed to clean house and dye my hair and didnt get either of those done. But I did work on my website, finished all my banners, got almost all the candle pics done. The day just flew right by.

As soon as I finish my tea and get off of the computer I am going to go dye my hair and then take a few candle pics and then....start listing my candles online for sale. I am so nervous and excited. I am proud of my stuff that is why it took so long to get started I wouldnt until they were awesome and just right. My tarts smell so perfect I use and love them! I am still having wick issues with my larger candles which is ok I am not going to start selling them yet but I can still sell the others and keep adding new stuff.

I think my biggest issue is just that I spent so so so much money on this. Money we didn't really have. Alot of it was used just on testing and on things that didn't work right. And it felt like money wasted. I keep telling myself that as long as I love it and keep having this passion for it then it can't fail. If I sell only one candle and it is to my family well I still put myself out there and I will just keep trying. My dream is for it to be my full time job where I make real money off of it. But I am also trying to keep myself reeled in. I know most people do not make that kind of money and even the ones that do it usually takes a long while before they do.

I do love it though. As scary as it is I am still glad I am doing this. I just kindof drifted without really having any plan of what I wanted to do and now I have this and it gives me some purpose. If anything it was worth that.

Plus I think I finally got the pics looking right :)

On the negative side of my day, my husband is driving me batty. I never get to see him it feels like because he works so much and then when he is home he sleeps. When I decided to start getting up at 6am I knew I needed sleep and counted the hours back and made sure I had a set bedtime where I would be getting 8 beautiful hours of sleep. He on the other hand gets maybe 6 usually. He gets up at 5:45am and is not going to be until 11-1am....

So when he gets home he is exhausted and either just goes and takes a nap or falls asleep in the chair for almost the entire rest of the day. Yesterday as soon as he got home he went and took a nap and got up when I woke him up because I was going to bed at 10pm!!

I tried telling him this a million times that he needs to go to bed early. He would feel better at work if he had real sleep, he is going to kill himself running on empty. Plus he wouldn't be so cranky. And hey I would actually like to see him sometimes. But he just says 6 hours is enough... and that he doesn't want to feel like as soon as he gets home he only has a few hours and then has to go to bed. But if he just falls asleep & sleeps the day away how is that any different? I think it is worse because sometimes he can end up really napping for the whole day atleast with a bedtime he would have set hours to go by.

But he doesn't listen. It just upsets me.

Day #4- Weigh in & drowning in my mistakes

I am feeling so upset right now I don't even know how to start this off :( Yesterday morning I was on fire by that evening it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on me and I sat drenched, cold and sad.

I guess I shall start with the facts... a few days ago I made this chocolate zucchini pumpkin brownie/bread thing. It was good but I didn't cook it long enough so it just wasn't very firm. Even with all those veggies it was made from a box cake mix and high in calories. I had eaten the ends of it the other days and was left with the middle which was the mushy part.

Well idk what got into me but that afternoon I just picked some off the top and ate it then went back and grabbed a fork and began picking at the top some more. It wasn't binge worthy but it wasn't good. And it actually really wasn't even good so I don't know why I did it :(

I think eating it really did a number on my stomach as well because I felt as if I would die later. I don't know if it was just how much of it I ate (really no more then two slices worth) or because it wasn't cooked very well. It should have been fine to eat completely raw though it was vegan so no eggs in it even. But it did have alot of flax so eh idk. My body revolted against me and I wanted to die either way.

It doesn't end there either...

My husband came home shortly after that and almost the very first thing he says to me is order pizza. I actually being a good girl say no, completely shocked that he would even suggest that and say hello I am trying to eat better. He says fine just order me pizza...yes he really seriously said that. I go well I guess I could just order 1 pizza and we can share. No he doesn't want to share.

Now pizza is my arch-nemesis in eating healthy. It has to be my most favorite food in the world. A food that I have often binged on. A food that I could literally eat every single day and never get sick of. Infact I know that there has been times that for like a week I did eat pizza every single day- order out, frozen, some pizza rolls or other pizza like items, etc... :( I am not proud of myself but pizza is most definitely my trigger food. And my husband 100% knows this....

I want to hate him for it. I want to be oh so angry with him. & ok partly I am because he should be more considerate. But I am an adult and I make my own choices. I could have said firmly NO. But I didn't. I could have also made way better choices with the pizza and I didn't....

I did order pizza. I could have gotten thin crust which would have been way way less calories and I didn't. I could have eaten 1 or 2 slices and made a salad to fill me up and I didn't. The only thing I did do well is that I didn't order cheesy bread which I usually do & eat all the bread myself.

So yeah I stuffed myself with pizza. :( I think in my head I was telling myself it will be fine you will just eat a slice or two and save the rest but I knew I wouldn't.

I am not saying I will never eat pizza again. I love it far too much to say that lol. But I can't have it around me right now. My self control is weak and I shouldn't be ashamed to admit that. I was really down on myself last night and when I went to bed I almost just cried, I wanted to. I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much but I just felt completely disappointed in myself.


~ But today was my weigh in day. And I seriously was scared that I wouldn't have lost anything or worse I would have gained. But I actually lost 1lb exactly. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

 I think that part of it may be that I am not eating enough calories everyday. I am staying on my very lowest range. I have that fear of if I keep eating so few now how will I reduce them later when I lose weight? But I know I am just afraid of calories & so it is hard for me to go so high (on purpose lol).

I think what I am learning is that while my fitness is going much better and I am learning to shine there my diet is still struggling alot. I have alot of issues with food/emotions & self control/willpower that are going to take alot of time to deal with.

My best bet may be to just remove all temptation for now until I am in a better place, a stronger more confident place.

Yet it is kindof funny because I bought halloween candy like in the week right after halloween and I still have it sitting there out in the open and haven't touched more then like 1 reese's cup once a day for a few days (& I tracked it). And my husband bought a ton of cupcakes (huge boxes of them too) & while I had a slight twinge of want I haven't touched them at all. (seriously now is my husband trying to sabotage me? lol) So there are things I can be strong with and just things I surely can not. I guess if I build up the NO attitude on the things I am ok with it will help me learn to say no to the things I have a harder time with and help me learn that I can say no. I do have willpower she is just a bit too quiet sometimes lol. But she is there!



This is already a terribly long blog post but I have alot to talk about still lol

This week is insanely busy for me! Tomorrow my husband is off work and we go shopping, Tues is his birthday we didn't have any plans but it is usually his day off but I guess now he has to go in to work some...& then Wed he got off and we are driving down to his parents that day, Thurs is turkey day and like right smack after we finish eating we have to drive back home because he has to go into work at like 9 to help set up catering that target ordered for their black friday stuff...

Seriously he has gotten screwed over at work. I wish he would stand up for himself more and say NO. He agreed to come in thurs so he could get wed off and then they are making him come in even earlier then he thought even though they know he is leaving town and no one else is... and then also making him come in on his birthday. He should have said no he couldn't do it but he was afraid they would make him work wed.

So I told him to ask his mom if we could do thanksgiving dinner more like a later lunch instead of having it at around 5 or later because we have to leave by 7 to make it home in time for when he has to go to work. And he doesn't want to ask because his brother/sister in law goes and does dinner with her family first and then goes to his parents so they are not able to do it until later. Which annoyed me. If they are eating with her family then why can't we all do dinner earlier then they come at their normal time and we can say hi and still spend time with them and maybe eat desert together etc.. they live in the same town we don't....

Anyways this week I must get all my candles up on my site for sale. There should be zero reasons why i can't. I figured out pictures, all of my tarts and melts labels are finished. I just need to finish making these last few then package them all up and take pics then get them up. I would love to also get my actual candles up by the end of this week but we will have to see..

Then next mon/tues our new roommate moves in. All the furniture has been moved and everything is clean so I will just have normal cleaning to do and such but it is still very stressful. I am going to assume the first two weeks with him here will be awkward but then maybe things will settle down some and I can just worry about everything else lol

May the positivity stick

I feel amazing like a star about to burst with joy! I am awesome & i know it! First I am feeling the positivity flow. That is a hard one for me. I have for so long drowned in the negativity. Where everyday I just put myself down. Now  I am on a different positive path. Sure I am not perfect and I am sure it will creep back up but I won't let it over take me. Now I fill myself with alot of affirmations. If everyday i fill my head with negativity and putting myself down I start to believe that, so it must work the opposite way as well- if everyday I remind myself how wonderful I am and with positivity it will "stick".

Right now every morning I wake up and while I am brushing my teeth, washing my face etc... I light a candle in the bathroom and look in the mirror & repeat- I am a strong, beautiful, confident Goddess who can take on the world.


*~* Today I did amazing fitness wise. I woke up and my plan was to walk down to the park. About half way to the street I would have to turn on to get there I began to chicken out. Doubt crept in whispering in my head that I was too out of shape and idk big scary fears. But I pushed them aside and without even a clear thought in my head I just found my body going. I turned onto the street and was like ok wow I guess I am doing it!

My body wants it. It may sound strange because I am over weight and sit on my ass all the time. But honestly I LOVE to workout. I love the rush of energy I get. I wanna hike and run and go go go. I really do not think I am lazy, I just think my problem has always been my fears, panic/anxiety issues and depression.

Anyways so I went to the park, and my plan was just to walk to the park then turn and go home. Small baby steps as I haven't worked out in forever. I was just well afraid as normal and didn't want to push myself too hard. Well I felt great when i got there, sat down on a bench and just enjoyed the park for maybe 5-10 mins then began to walk the track. The track is 1/4 a mile each loop.

I felt on fire. I liked my pace. I was all positive and thinking about how I could keep doing this and how I will start to run and how great that would be.

But at the start of my third loop it was rough. To begin with I woke up and rushed to leave this morning because I slept a bit late and in my rush didn't have a thing to drink at all that morning- eek. So when I got to the park I was already thirsty but as I walked my throat began to feel like it was on fire and I felt a bit meh. I really wished I had a drink. And ofcourse the park doesn't have bathrooms or a water fountain - lame.

My legs also began to burn a bit so I finished and decided to go home.

But it was amazing I walked 2.78 miles for a total of 63 mins. I think my pace is a bit slow. But I will build up! 

And I am learning alot. I have a huge issue with as soon as I set out walking way way too fast and then my muscles cry and I kill myself. I need to start off with a very slow walk to wake up I think. When i do then I go farther and last longer and am not in pain. 
Secondly I have learned not to just stop walking. When I stop, I first walk a bit slower then stretch. No more pain!

Now I just need to figure out if I want to bring a water bottle or just make sure to drink well before and after my walks. TMI- I have a tiny bladder and don't want to be out walking and have to pee lol. 

*~* Diet wise, well today begins my diet officially. I will track all that I eat and stay on plan and eat healthy. It is a bit scary. i know I can do it though. It is difficult and I have to be vigilant & strong but I can do it.

*~* Also today I have to take my youngest cat, Kit to the vet. He is just getting a checkup today so he can get neutered soon. It is so expensive and we don't have a ton of money going into the holidays meh. But I like this vet and he really needs some snipping because he has become a holy terror to the other cats, thank god he hasn't started marking yet. The last vet I went to was completely horrid though & it put me through so much stress that even though this is a different vet I am still on edge. 

Also today and tomorrow my plan is to finish moving the furniture & get all the rest of the trash out so it is all finished. Now my husband said he would help, but he is the worst about these kind of things. I am going to have to nag, and he won't feel like it. And then I will be pissy. 

I don't like waiting until the last minute to do things, if you can't tell I tend to over think & worry about things lol. If it is all taken care of then I can relax. Well we don't have alot of time until his friend moves in and this all has to be finished. next week is my husbands birthday & thanksgiving which we will be out of town for 2 days. So I want to get it done now so if I don't like how the furniture is at I can change it or if something doesn't work right I can fix it. 

I can do it all myself. Nothing is too heavy that I can't drag easily. The couch is the only big item to move and I can push it to a different spot in the same room easy. The desks are both super light. The only thing I am not sure I could do is figure out how to hookup the internet and cable in different rooms. So I wanted his help mostly for that. 

So I am praying that he is actually helpful. 

lastly my other stresser are my candles. I want to open my candle business this week. I really want to get it up for christmas orders. It is a bit of work but I know my real issue is pure fear. I can't let myself succumb to fear. I love my candles, I am so proud of them. I know my tart candle melts are absolutely amazing. My packaging and labels are cute. I can so do this! But it is a whole new frontier and new stuff is scary. I just dont want to fail, I don't want to be the only one who likes my candles lol. I put so so much money that we didn't have into this. I just keep telling myself that I know my stuff is great and that this is my passion and my dream and that is what matters.

So yeah the end of this month is insanely busy and stressful- DH's birthday, thanksgiving, thinking towards christmas, opening my business, some dude moving in with us, and on top of it staying on plan with diet & exercise. lol