Day #9 Winter's Casualty

I am not off to a good start today at all. I didn't want to get up this morning at all but I did about 20 mins later then usual. I got ready and even cleaned the litterboxes and took out the trash so I thought I was pushing forward.

But then it all went to hell. As I was getting ready I could hear the wind howling outside, it was nasty out. But I figured it would be fine and left for my walk. It was freezing out but the worst was that wind. I only have one direction I can walk from where I live and that was directly into the wind...

I wear super comfy warm pants and then a shirt and my hoodie and gloves. It wasn't horrible in that but my ears felt like they would fall right off. I put my hood up on my hoodie but the wind was so bad it wouldn't stay up & the wind still got inside anyways. I need a hat or ear muffs for sure if I am going to walk. I asked for this really adorable hat for christmas and I hope I get it, if not I might just need to get it myself. But until then? Maybe I can just grab some cheapy earmuffs.

So yeah I started walking fussed with my hood a bunch and then got frustrated and turned around and came home really really soon. Like so soon that it wasn't worth tracking IMO. :(

It was really cold but at the same time I feel like it was just an excuse. And what is worse is that I can't even trust myself to know the difference. Was it too cold or could I have just toughed it out and pushed forward? idk...

But all wasn't lost I figured I would come home and do some wii stuff, the wii remote is dead ugh so I am charging it now. So Hopefully I follow through and atleast do that for today.

But what about tomorrow? I live in NY, the weather is going to be getting pretty nasty out. What am I supposed to do when the ground is covered in snow and ice? I don't even live in a good area that will be nicely plowed prob and I always slip on ice :(

How I wish I could join a gym and I guess also drive....lol

I can work out indoors. I have videos and my wii but with the friend moving in it kindof makes this wonky. Everything is in the living room and I don't even feel comfortable/confident enough to workout in front of the DH so no way that is going to fly. I guess it all depends on his work schedule. I can always just do the walking routine in my bedroom. I also read something about my cable dvd having exercise videos on demand maybe I can find out how to find them lol



** I also joined a challenge to help keep me on track.
Goal By Summer (June 1st) Challenge

By june 1st my goal is to hit 165lbs. so about 43lbs ish.
from Dec 1st to June 1st is 26 weeks. If I lost 1.5lbs a week it would be 39lbs. But I think I could lose 2lbs a few of those weeks.

165lbs is my BIG goal right now. I want to hit 165lbs as it would put me right at the normal bmi mark. Once I hit 165 I would reevaluate my goal and see how much more I want to lose.

My insanely skinny girl side would love a weight of 125lbs. Which would be very small lol I doubt I could ever hit that.
I think I would love to be prob about 140lbs give or take. It is so hard to tell with numbers because everyone is shaped differently. For sure I want to be in the single digits when it comes to clothing sizes. A size 8 could make me very happy.

I was thinking about it earlier that by NEXT Christmas I would totally be at my true goal and maintenance. 

Day # 7 Happy *Almost Turkey Day

I feel like crap. I am not completely sure why. Maybe I am getting sick, the subway I ate last night is messing with me or stress. Either way my stomach is doing cart wheels and refuses to behave. I felt just alittle off this morning when I first woke up but then in the middle of my walk my stomach just flip flopped. I felt so nauseated, it was awful.

I still finished my walk but it took me longer then normal. 32-ish mins on the track for a mile because I kept stopping and/or walking really slow. But I am proud that I didn't stop. And no worries I wasn't being nutty and pushing myself too much. while I did feel yucky I didn't feel like I was going to keel over or anything, I was ok to keep walking I think.

I thought maybe once I got home and ate it would help settle my stomach but not so much. Though I didn't eat super great either. I usually have oatmeal- I make a big pan and then eat the leftovers and ran out yesterday. I didn't want to make more since I am leaving today for Thanksgiving. So this morning I first grabbed a banana then had some cottage cheese because I was craving it. I usually don't like to eat any type of dairy when my stomach is upset, for some reason it just feels weird to me lol. Then I thought duh toast would help so I had some toast.


Anyways... I opened my candle shop officially. Yay me. If anyone is interested it is:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MoonFireWicks
http://www.moonfirewicks.com/
I only put up some tarts, melts and tealights. Hoping to get my candles up by the end of the week.


I have alot to do today. I need to go make some very healthy yummy brownies to take for thanksgiving and then we are driving to my inlaws this afternoon. So I really should get busy lol. I am just hoping my stomach calms down *prays*

Healing

First of all yay me! I woke my tired butt out of bed this morning & walked my butt off. I walked down to the park and sat & meditated, then walked once around the walking track they have & then walked back home. For just a smidgen over 2 miles. As soon as I started walking I felt like crap. My muscles ached and complained. My mind kept giving me negative excuses that I couldnt do it. I should turn and go home, take a shorter walk, etc.. but I didn't give up. I pushed myself and made it. & I feel amazing for it. And once my muscles started working it became easier. On the way home I felt energized and even walked faster home then I did getting there & wasn't in as much pain. I think honestly it is far more my mind then my body that I am fighting with.


I have a few different blogs, one for my pets & then a spiritual/witchy blog. On my witchcraft blog I am doing this pagan blog project where you go through the alphabet and blog about different witchy related topics. This week was the letter H & for it I chose the word healing. I felt it was strong enough to cross post because alot of it has to do with my same old weight/health issues.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. Alot of it stems with control issues. I want everything to be perfect and happy & within my control. But life just isn't like that. You plan and expect a rose and you get a thorn. And while I Know this to be the case rationally I still struggle.

I stumbled upon this blog: http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/ that led me to this article: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I so suggest reading it.

"We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight."

Honesty ~ I have been hurt. I have been let down. I have been broken. I have been filled with fear. And more then anything else I just want to feel safe and protected. I can't move forward, I can't find my courage or strength I can't begin to heal...because I haven't let go of all that is holding me down.

I need to be able to heal, inside and out.

I have a black thumb. I kill plants :( But I have two beautiful orchids that are still alive! It is a miracle. One of the stems began to turn yellow and I read that it meant that it was dying. I needed to cut away that stem so that the plant could use its strength to grow stronger and bloom again.

I think that is the same thing. Right now I am throwing so much of my energy into my pain & fear that it is stifling my growth. I have to let go, cut away all of that negativity that suffocates me so that I can continue to grow.

Just as I wrote in the other blog entry I linked above, one of my issues has been that in my darkest, most painful time I have turned away from my spirituality, away from the Goddess.Instead I need to turn to the Goddess and begin to heal with Her. With hope, faith, courage and love for myself and the Goddess I can heal & grow.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I think healing is as simple as just going from point A to B. It takes time, & growth on its own. I kindof think of it as a descent into the inner most of my being. The dark cave where the Crone Goddess rules and has wisdom & guidance to share if you are willing to face the fear of the darkness and unknown and face your reflection. It is the journey to the underworld where you have to cut ties and die to be reborn.

• Acknowledging the pain, being honest with myself and baring my heart & soul.
• Forgiveness of myself and others and the universe. At the very least myself. Realizing what mistakes I have made & learning from them and at the same time seeing the things that were not my fault. That I was the victim and I can't hate myself for what has happened to me, what was done to me.
• They say that nature abhors a vacuum. I can remove, banish, release all the pain but I have to fill it with something positive in turn. 

I was reading eslewhere about a god box. Where you write your worries on little pieces of paper and put them in the box. I like the concept. I have this beautiful little candle holder that is shaped like a lantern and reminded me of the element of air. I just bought it and wasn't sure what I would do with it just yet. I will let it hold the little pieces of paper- my worries. I will take them and set them free.

I am planning some rituals for release & healing on the New & Full Moons.

Every morning & night I will pray/meditate and do affirmations. I spend so much of each day putting myself down, tearing myself apart, focusing on the negative. Instead I will focus on the positive, the beauty, love, strength, courage, etc...


*//* I created the above image from an Amazing site called http://www.wordle.net/ I love it to create words images for spellwork & it works really well for these positive affirmation words.

This site http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm#AffirmationGenerator has some great ideas & tips for working with affirmations.

This post was inspired by the Pagan Blog Project -Letter H

My inner Amazon

In my last post I wrote about losing my inner amazon. How she was hidden deep down inside me, still there but lost to me. I think today I have begun to set her free once again.

My daily tarot card was once again... the Queen of Swords. This card is taunting me. Showing me the reflecting I try to hide from. Out of my last 5 daily tarot pulls 3 of them have been the Queen of Swords...& to be clear I do shuffle my deck and then split it into three piles to cut. lol

I think she represents my Amazon. Powerful, strong, independent woman. I need to channel that energy.

I have been wanting to go down to the park near my house & I said I would wednesday, then thursday then friday. Each day filled with excuses to stop myself from actually doing it.

Today though I got up and I did it and it felt good :)

The park is I am going to guess 30-40 mins walk away. I wasn't paying attention so I am not fully sure. It is not that nice of a park lol. It is small but does have a small lake that it says has a path that is .75 miles around it but there isnt actually a path all the way around it so idk. It is not very lovely or looks taken care of. Maybe when the weather is nicer and the trees are green it will be better. And there are train tracks right smack next to it so that kindof ruins the peacefulness. But I will take what I can get.

I think I will start walking once again and head there for my walks.

With that in mind I am also updating my healthy wellness plan!

I found online this diabetes 8 week challenge. I am starting tomorrow on sunday. For my first week I need to do 3 days of 15 min strength workout & 3 10 min cardio workouts.

Sunday- cardio walk
Monday- Strength
Tuesday- cardio walk
Wed- Strength walk
Thurs- cardio at home
Fri- strength
Sat- rest

Epiphany

So I had an epiphany (& I can't believe I actually knew how to spell that lol). Actually I had several...

1. Just because the afternoon will likely be warm and/or fairly nice out does not mean it will be at 6am lol Infact it is going to be very chilly & for some reason where I live it seems to always be wet and/or rainy as well.

2. I should always bring tissues when I go out walking. Because that chilly wind smacks me right in the face and next thing I know my eyes are watering and my nose is running like mad. It just is not a pretty feeling!

Ok now in all seriousness. Last night I was taking a shower & praying. Yes I like to pray in the shower. I think the water is just very symbolic & relaxing plus it is kindof like the water is cleansing emotionally as well as physically.

Anyways I was praying and realized a whole mess of things. Thank you Goddess! The entire switch to getting on track started with a blog post- And So She Screams- Part One. How I turn away from my spirituality and everything else at my darkest moments. I wall myself in and hope it will just go away when it won't by itself. I have to be an active participant in my life. I don't have control of everything. Bad things will happen but I can choose the path I take after them. I stumble on my path and end up falling down a long hill. I can't just sit there hoping someone will come along and pick me up and set me back where I was before. I have to get up. I have to dust myself off. I have to decide if it is worth it to climb back up the hill, go farther down, go around, whatever.

Which brings me to the fact that I have no idea where to go from here. And I think it is because I don't know me. I haven't just been hiding from the world but from myself as well. I have no idea what is best for me right now. It reminds me of that quote that says you can't love someone else until you truly love yourself.

I need to take care of myself. I need to find myself. I need to get healthy inside and out. And learn to love myself. Working out, exercising, getting out of the house and then seeing a therapist.


Today I took my walk - 2 miles. And it was amazing. It is finally like I hit that wall and pushed through it. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't hard. It felt good. I walk out one mile & then turn around and walk back for a mile. Around the 1 mile mark I started feeling blah and like omg am I there yet? lol. But as soon as I turned around it was a breeze. I wasn't feeling like I would die. I made it home and didn't want to collapse on the floor. The first day I started walking when I got home I just fell to the floor and cried in pain. What a difference!

I am getting better. Changes are happening. And I love it.

A big deal tonight is that I am going to walk 3.22 miles. I decided I would treat myself and go to the movie theater. It isn't too far from my house but the farthest I have walked straight out yet. 1.61 miles. It is a small place just two theaters lol so I didn't have many movie options but that footloose looks interesting. I loved the first one. The only bad thing is that it will mean I am walking home at 9pm. But as I just have to walk straight down main street where there is lots of traffic and lights I am sure it will be ok. 

Me -1 Fear -0

So I already blogged today but after getting home from my walk I had more to say lol.

I had a plan today. I was going to walk down to subway which is a bit from my home, I haven't walked that far yet, and get lunch then walk to rite aid to pick up a few things then go home.

Well I was a nervous wreck going out the door. I like walking early in the morning before the world has woken up so so much more. Like I said before i live right on the main street and traffic is busy and it makes me feel all paniced and I hate it.

So I start walking & I wanted to call my mom but she was at work & my sis was busy driving. So I couldn't call them. The traffic was really bad and I began to have a panic attack. I literally had to stop twice and I was completely freaking out. I was like I can't do this. I won't make it. My legs are already hurting. And swoosh all the negativity began to fill me up- what was I thinking? I can't walk all the way to subway? etc...

I pushed just alittle bit further and decided to just hit riteaid and go home. Once I got into the store I was still a panic mess. I jumped into an aisle that no one was in and I actually cried alittle. So embarrassing. But shopping is a cure all. And as I looked around the store I relaxed and felt 100 times better.

I got some water too and when I checked out I just sat outside the store for a few minutes and contemplated the situation. Should I go home? Or should I continue on to subway? I decided to go on. Yay me! I made it too. I stopped at the dollar store right next to subway first to kindof cooldown then got food and turned around and went home.

It is kindof funny how I can be in such pain feel like I am gonna die but if I keep walking it seems to get easier. Like it doesn't really hurt but my muscles are just like screaming- omg you are crazy! We could be sitting at home on the couch stuffing our face. *cry* *cry* I don't wanna walk.
lol But then they give in and relax.

I ended up being out of the house walking and shopping for 3 hours!! Crazy. I feel so good and pumped right now too. Though I am very tired too lol.

Fear is really hard for me. I am sick, it is a panic disorder and everyday this is something I will have to deal with and face. But I am facing it and making strides towards being better. I am very happy!