Day # 32 Stress, feeling sick & men suck

Stress sucks. I have NOT been doing so well. It isn't a full on avalanche but my feet are slipping, I have fallen a few times and I just am struggling to keep my balance.

Fighting a ton with my husband, is never fun. He is a very immature and selfish person. It is not all bad ofcourse. He can be amazingly sweet & loving. He always tells me how wonderful I am, how beautiful, etc.. Some things that he does is just so sweet. & he always gets angry that I only seem to notice the bad stuff and not give him any credit for the good.

But it isn't a point system and the good doesn't erase the bad. It makes me think of some abusive relationship where the guy will beat the crap out of you one minute and then the next is bringing you flowers & telling you how sorry he is and how much he loves you. Yes one thing is sweet but it surely doesn't make up for the bad.

My sister reminded me that the bad doesn't erase the good either. She is right but it is difficult to remember that. Bad things do seem to overshadow everything else. If something hurts it stays with you & eats at you, spreading and making you doubt other things. I guess my biggest thought is if you love me how could you be so cruel? How can you make me cry, know that you are hurting me, and not do everything in your power to stop that feeling?

I won't lie I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I watched Cinderella too many times as a kid...I was a princess & I wanted my prince to come along. Love was supposed to be these epic, passionate feeling where someone only thought, only desire was to make you happy.Romeo & Juliet, Twlight, etc... just love and nothing else mattered but the two of you.

And then I am like ok duh this is not some story it is real life and you have outside stress like money and work and bad days and on top of it we are not perfect ofcourse. But I still want that fundamental idea that love is just this amazing all encompassing feeling where my heart is yours and yours is mine & as long as we have each other then everything will work itself out and be ok. That if you are sad, I am sad.

And I struggle with wondering if I am being foolish or if I should hold on to that principle atleast. I have seen other couples where they are so insync & just love each other so much. I am sure they fight and what not sometimes but they would never do something to just be spiteful and hurt the other one. If they did ever hurt the other one, they would hurt to and do everything they could to make it better. So am I just settling and giving up??

There is a quote that says something like- if you can't love me at my worst then you do not deserve me at my best.

It is really easy to be nice & sweet and kind to someone who is happy & all smiles. It is alot harder to be the same way to someone who is upset, angry, having a bad day, etc...

How you act to that person when it isn't easy probably says alot more about who you are then when it is all happy, ya know?

So when he is being sweet & kind is when I am doing great & am happy already. But when I am upset, angry, sad, depressed, etc... he is not that same kind sweet person. He is a horrible selfish jerk. He can say the meanest thing & crush me, leaving me to just stand there bawling my eyes out & he yells at me to shut up & stop crying. Or he starts saying still meaner things to me. Usually leaving me to cry my eyes out and yell at him to just stop please.

It does make me think he doesn't care at all. How can you care about someone when you can see them hurt and not try to make them feel better or at the very least stop hurting them.

I am not saying I am perfect in it. I know out of anger I have said or done bad things. But I feel bad for it. I feel bad that I hurt him even if I didn't mean it. I am not so sure if he does.....


So idk..... I really just do not have a clue. Right now we are fighting about stupid stupid things. I do not want to get into it but mostly I asked him to do something for me that was small, insignificant to him and required zero effort on his part and that meant a great deal to me. That I told him was upsetting me. He told me no, without any real reason he just didn't want to do it. We then got into afight about how I had told him to do it and gave him an ultimatum. Which I did. I get it no one likes to be told what to do. I told him I was sorry that I didn't mean it in that way, really I was just trying to show him that if I didn't do X that it would hurt him in the same way him not doing Y was hurting me. I apologized but it didn't matter....


On top of all of that I am also stressed about our roommate. He is a drunk big time. He seems to be drunk 24/7. I hate drunk people. I don't want to be around it. I grew up around drunks, it is not fun. Plus I have panic attacks, when things are not stable I get panicked. It is not fun for me at all. A drunk person makes me feel that way big time. There is also alot of issues with my rape that already makes me on edge with men and even worse with drunk ones.
I want to stress that I do not mind alcohol. I think having like a glass of wine with dinner or having some drinks out with friends or having a cookout and grabbing a drink or having a fancy drink out at dinner is all fine. But I will never understand people who just drink every night at home alone.... I know so many people like this. I don't get it. I just want to be like grow the !@#$% up and stop acting like a moron.

So yeah every night pretty much he is just getting drunk in his room. But sometimes he comes out and is being a drunk idiot. I hate it.

Also he smokes. I hate smoking. I get it, I used to smoke when I was a stupid & young and I quit. Not only does it smell horrible, the smoke just sticks with you. I saw my father practically cough up a lung everyday from a life of smoking. I saw my grandmother have cancer and poison herself with it, she was on oxygen & yes still smoking! I hate smoking.
Now my DH told me that he would smoke outside but he has been smoking in his room. So I am going to tell my husband that he needs to tell him that really it sucks & all that it is winter but no smoking in the house. I just can not take it. I am in the living room, his door is shut and I just smell it and am coughing and my eyes water. I don't want second hand smoke, I really do not want it around my pets either. Rats have very very sensitive lungs.

But what is even worse? My husband is still smoking.... I saw him go outside and was smoking with him. He kept telling him he wasn't anymore.... What is funny is that way back when we first met I smoked and he straight up told me I hate to quit. He gave me ultimatums that he would leave me even. I didn't quit for him, like a year later I did for me. I get it, it was hard.
He tells me now that he will quit for his new years resolution. Which ofcourse everyone who diets knows that waiting to do something usually doesn't end well. If you really wanted to quit you would do it now today. He says it is because he has to work alot these last few weeks, but really like his job is going to get better? sigh

Yeah I am just pissed off and stressed.


So along with all of that...I have also been feeling horribly sick. IDK why Just almost everyday these painful stomach aches. They are very weird, like I feel nauseous like I want to throw up but without that throw up type urge. idk if that makes sense lol.

They were so bad I went alot of last week without really eating a ton and then I wasn't walking because of it either. It was hard to do much.

They started when I began to eat healthier. So at first I was like well probably because I changed my diet and I need to adjust. But they didn't go away. So then I was like maybe I am eating too much fiber too quickly. I didn't eat any oatmeal last week though and still got them. But I was eating whole wheat wraps....I am not sure if that could have caused it. But then two days I didn't eat any wraps or whole wheat and no stomach ache...? But it could have also been anything from the wraps maybe the dressing..idk.


To end this...I just want to lose weight and be happier and healthier. I really just want to be happy.

 

Day # 16 my sweet husband

I haven't written in a bit, I just have been feeling meh. I haven't let it throw me off track though so yay. I think just all the changes I am making are throwing my body for a loop. I have to remember I am diabetic and that probably is some of it. My DH says it is because I am just active now where before all i did was sit and that totally could be a chunk of it. I just hope things balance out.

Speaking of my darling husband, he said some really amazingly sweet things to me yesterday. I was naked and I totally hate being naked in front of people. Not that I am naked in front of anyone other then myself, my husband and that cats! lol But he told me I was so beautiful and I was just like you are crazy. Then he took my hands and was like I know you want to lose some weight but really to me you are perfect just how you are I wouldn't change anything.

It was epically sweet. But at the same time it gives me a prang of concern. Which I know right my DH says the most perfect thing and I have to find something negative about it.... But honestly it just makes me wonder if he will still find me attractive when I lose the weight?

He has always liked curvier women. With meat on their bones, alittle pudgy. Every woman, actress, whatever that he has ever pointed out had some extra weight on them. Not like obese at all but like I am now, though technically I am obese weigh wise! But I am sure you get what I mean.

But my idea of beauty is the total opposite. I love tall and super thin, alittle athletic is fine too. And I don't mean anorexic but definitely very thin. I have major girl crush on Angelina Jolie & Blake Lively. Both of who my husband doesn't think are attractive at all.

It is doubtful that I will ever get that skinny so perhaps it doesn't even matter that much and either way it is not going to happen for a while still lol. But I do know that when I reach close to my first goal (165lbs) my husband will tell me not to lose more weight and prob make comments about it....

Anyways that is just what is filling my head right now... I am doing good with my fitness. I walked 9 miles this week. Yay me. But the weather is getting nasty. It snowed last night but only left just enough to cover the ground. But it was alittle bit slippery in some spots. I can fall down when the ground isn't wet and slippery so it sucked I had a few close calls this morning but didn't fall.

It is also really strange that when I first start walking it isn't that cold but as the sun starts coming up more it gets colder. I would think it would get warmer as the sun rose more. But walking home I was freezing!I have very sensitive eyes so they start watering and my nose gets super runny, is not fun lol. And this is just the start of the weather....

idk I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Diet wise it is not perfect but way way better. I think I am starting to listen to my body and understand it better. It is just a faint whisper but I noticed it. When I am really hungry, when I am full, when I am just bored.

I also am getting ready for christmas. I put up my tree and some decorations. It is my youngest cat, Kit's first christmas and he is driving me mad. I think I spent 20 mins this morning yelling at him as everytime I turned my back he was either trying to get under the tree (my tree is very small and he will tip it over lol) or knocking off the bells & balls and playing kitty soccer with them. He is by far the worst cat ever about it.

He even jumped up and pulled down stockings that were hung up! Such a brat.

I have 4 cats but Keeba wouldn't cooperate so far lol I am so mean :)

I also bought some gorgeous fake poinsettias some at the dollar store & some at this second hand store. I got red & green glass beads and filled a vase. So beautiful. I love poinsettias but my cats would destroy them + if the cats ate them it can make them sick. So fake ones it is! But these fake ones actually look good.

Day #12 christmas shopping woes

I feel exhausted right now and it is only 7pm...yuck lol. I ended up waking up late this morning, I didn't sleep all that well. But I turned the alarm off in some type of sleepy haze and didn't fully wake up. 45 mins later I woke up though lol Which is kindof nice that I didn't over sleep by hours.

I was reading a blog post here @ Peanut Butter Fingers about streamlining your morning routine. I took it to heart & was alot quicker getting out of the door today. Yay me. It wasn't as cold as it has been, like no wind so that was great too. My legs were killing me but I walked my 3 miles still.

Food wise I didn't do so horrible, not great, but not horrible. I brought out the crock pot and made some chicken. All yummy and super juicy. Then separated it into 3oz portions and put some in the freezer and some in the fridge. I love it. Makes everything so easy to just grab a perfect portion and throw into whatever I am eating.

I got done a bunch of Christmas shopping or well atleast figured out what I am going for with alot of people lol. I get very stressed out. I know that it is the thought that counts, but I want to give someone a meaningful really great gift that they love. And with some people my mind just goes blank lol. My in laws are probably the worst. They don't really have like a "thing" where you can just buy them something for that. Like if someone loves to read buy them a book, if they love to cook grab them a kitchen things. Easy. But they just don't really have alot of things like that and the few things they do, well the have plenty of money and buy whatever they want for themselves lol.

Last year my MiL told us something to get my FiL and then he ended up buying it himself and then my brother in law and we also bought it for him....

The few things we have gotten my MiL she is nice and acts like he likes it but then the next time we visit it isn't out and isn't being used lol.

I don't want to get someone something just because, I want to get them something they like and want and will use. And they won't tell you what they want. My sister & husband is just as bad. So I have no idea for my in laws, sister or husband right now in any way lol

And the worst is that my in laws and sister always give me amazing gifts!

Ofcourse I am super amazingly easy to shop for. I am not just saying that either. I have tons and tons of "things" that you can not go wrong with. I can't believe anyone would be like hmm I have no idea what to get Aimee lol. Plus I also give people ideas because I am nice :)

My husband should be easy but he isn't. I get alot of ideas that I think he would love but he never does. I don't think I have ever given him a gift he has really liked. And while he isn't mean about it, he is just honest... for real it drives me crazy because I believe in sparing people's feelings. Like one time we were at his parents house and his mom made dinner and he straight up was telling her how it could be better. I thought it was so rude and disrespectful. IDK I mean ofcourse honesty is good too, but there is a way to do it so you are just not being blunt I guess. He just doesn't have that filter. So i usually feel like crap about it. But again he won't tell me what to get...


So anyways our new roommate moved in yesterday afternoon. He is nice, alittle bit hyper for me lol. He said he has ADD & I believe it. I am just not used to it and he talks to me alot. I am so shy. I am not a social person as I have a social anxiety disorder. The thought of talking to people usually gives me panic attacks. So it is difficult for me but he mostly has just been doing his own thing.

The only kindof bad thing is my husband's attention is now shared. I blogged before about how I have so little time with him and then he will stay up all night and sleep all day so even when he isn;t working I feel like I don't see him. So last night he ended up staying up ALL NIGHT long so when I woke up at 6:45am he was still awake.... and then went to bed. I was a bit upset because that meant I would spend like no time with him today and it also meant I would be awake all alone with this new guy in my apartment that I don't know...awkward for me.

And then as soon as he woke up, he took the guy out to introduce him to his boss at work then as soon as they got back they left to go pick up his bed because he couldn't get it yesterday. It is a 2 hour drive to where he used to live. So yeah it is now almost 8pm and I have seen my husband for like 20 mins today total and he goes back to work tomorrow.

Also he leaves and doesn't call or text me at all. I hate that. I am not nutty where I want him to check in every 5 mins but text me when u get there to say you made it, text me when you are driving back home to let me know. It is just considerate. let me know you thought about me atleast for a minute :(

Plus I haven't gone shopping this week and we usually go Monday so meh. I am not really too happy.

Even though I am venting a bunch I am not really letting it get to me too much. I can't control other people just how I react. Just focus on myself and what I am doing.

On a good note I made some candle sales. Yay! Ok it was my sister and sister in law... but still :) They are buying to give as gifts so they have to have some confidence that my stuff is gift worthy.

Day #8 Post Thanksgiving day & non food related guilt

Thanksgiving is now over but it went fairly well diet wise I think.

Wed morning right before we left I check all the animals, make sure they have plenty of food and water. Well my rats were sicks :( They had porphyrin around their nose and were sneezing. At first I thought it was blood but then I remembered reading about it and went and looked it up again. It can be they have an infection or from stress. 

If any of my pets are sick I automatically freak out with worry, stress and guilt that it is all my fault. I have way too many pets. I love them but I shouldn't have gotten so many. Before I was so depressed I couldn't take care of myself, getting out of bed was a chore. How was I supposed to give them the proper care? They always had food and water but not always the right attention. Now that I am doing better depression and health wise things have gotten better but at the same time these last few weeks I have been so so busy :(

My husband doesn't understand at all. He just dismisses my feelings. He is like they have each other and their cage is giant and packed full of stuff, like their cage in rat terms is bigger then our apartment for us lol he exaggerates. But it really upset me that he didn't seem to care. I didn't even want to leave them I was so worried. I knew if I left and something happened I would have been resentful towards him for making me go and how am I supposed to enjoy myself while I am worrying & afraid they would be dead when I got home :(

But after a fight with him I ended up going anyways. 

I was already stressed because rats do not live very long, about 2 years. And my girls turned a year old and I was all worrying about them. I can't even take them to the vet right now. More guilt on my part. I always hated that, I think if you own pets you have to be able to take care of them and that included vets. I have probably spent $600-$700 on my cats this past 6 months alone :( But right now things are insanely bad money wise for us. My husband taking the demotion which meant a pay cut, me starting my business and doing it so stupidly that I spent far more of our savings then I should have (yay look more guilt). We kept saying that we would budget & be smart & all we really did was cancel netflix...we continued to spend spend spend. And then in a blink of an eye the money is gone.

Right now after we pay the rent for dec we will be living pay check to pay check. We have to get things in order. Thankfully with the friend moving in, the money he will pay us will help. 

Honestly I don't know how to budget and such. I am horrid with money. For one thing before like 2-3 years ago I never even payed attention to anything money related like my entire life. So it is all still fairly new to me. I took over all the bill paying and I am great with that, making sure everything is paid on time perfectly. 

But with shopping and stuff not so much. I pretty much just walk through the store and throw what I want in my cart, within reason. I even make a list but don't always stick to it and even when I do it is still expensive. We prob spend near $180 ish a week at the store for just us two. Where does all that go? I have no idea. I just don't pay attention to what anything costs. If you asked me what one thing I bought every week from the store costs, I couldn't tell you.

I think partly my mind is just not grounded well for that stuff. I am whimsical~ lol

But that really has to change. I just need to make a list and stick to it and not waste money on silly convenience items. I'd like to get down to spending just $100 or less a week for sure.

- Anyways, Thanksgiving was nice. We ate early at like 3ish because we had to leave at 7 to drive home so my husband could go to work that night. Lame. Time sure flies by so fast. 

Dinner was great. It is actually really funny I don't really ever seem to overeat on Thanksgiving. Like my portions are either normal or small even. I think it is because there is so much stuff that I just take alittle of it all. Plus I am extremely weird and do not like my food touching (except the potatoes and turkey). So it means less room on my plate I guess lol.

The bad side is that MAJOR CARB OVERLOAD!!!! eek! Potatoes, stuffing, rolls, crescent rolls, & corn. Then ofcourse desert. All of my favorite things are the carbs too lol. It is not diabetic friendly at all. I think next year I might make a veggie dish to bring and not eat the corn. I don't ever even eat corn at home anymore. I would rather I get my starchiness from something else lol. 

Day #5 busy little bee

Today is my husband's day off and I am always afraid that it will totally screw up my schedule but so far so good! I woke up and walked & felt awesome. I am getting way good with all my stretches. I long to be just awesomely ah-ma-zing at yoga but so far I haven't lol. Alot of stuff I just can not do and I worry about the right form. I have a video and look online but I wish I could take a class though yeah right like I would lol. But I am slowly trying to add in stuff. I do the sun salutation, cat/cow and warrior.

Oh how I wish:

I had oatmeal for breakfast, though I almost always eat oatmeal for breakfast lol. With frozen strawberries today my fav! I also started drinking tea every morning with breakfast. Today & yesterday was green tea with orange. Very yummy. I also bought stevia packets for my tea. I just have to have my tea lightly sweetened. I only use alittle. It tastes like real sugar to me lol. I was alittle bit wary of using fake stuff but I think stevia is one of the better ones? eh I hope so lol.

Yesterday I got alot done but didn't at the same time lol. I needed to clean house and dye my hair and didnt get either of those done. But I did work on my website, finished all my banners, got almost all the candle pics done. The day just flew right by.

As soon as I finish my tea and get off of the computer I am going to go dye my hair and then take a few candle pics and then....start listing my candles online for sale. I am so nervous and excited. I am proud of my stuff that is why it took so long to get started I wouldnt until they were awesome and just right. My tarts smell so perfect I use and love them! I am still having wick issues with my larger candles which is ok I am not going to start selling them yet but I can still sell the others and keep adding new stuff.

I think my biggest issue is just that I spent so so so much money on this. Money we didn't really have. Alot of it was used just on testing and on things that didn't work right. And it felt like money wasted. I keep telling myself that as long as I love it and keep having this passion for it then it can't fail. If I sell only one candle and it is to my family well I still put myself out there and I will just keep trying. My dream is for it to be my full time job where I make real money off of it. But I am also trying to keep myself reeled in. I know most people do not make that kind of money and even the ones that do it usually takes a long while before they do.

I do love it though. As scary as it is I am still glad I am doing this. I just kindof drifted without really having any plan of what I wanted to do and now I have this and it gives me some purpose. If anything it was worth that.

Plus I think I finally got the pics looking right :)

On the negative side of my day, my husband is driving me batty. I never get to see him it feels like because he works so much and then when he is home he sleeps. When I decided to start getting up at 6am I knew I needed sleep and counted the hours back and made sure I had a set bedtime where I would be getting 8 beautiful hours of sleep. He on the other hand gets maybe 6 usually. He gets up at 5:45am and is not going to be until 11-1am....

So when he gets home he is exhausted and either just goes and takes a nap or falls asleep in the chair for almost the entire rest of the day. Yesterday as soon as he got home he went and took a nap and got up when I woke him up because I was going to bed at 10pm!!

I tried telling him this a million times that he needs to go to bed early. He would feel better at work if he had real sleep, he is going to kill himself running on empty. Plus he wouldn't be so cranky. And hey I would actually like to see him sometimes. But he just says 6 hours is enough... and that he doesn't want to feel like as soon as he gets home he only has a few hours and then has to go to bed. But if he just falls asleep & sleeps the day away how is that any different? I think it is worse because sometimes he can end up really napping for the whole day atleast with a bedtime he would have set hours to go by.

But he doesn't listen. It just upsets me.

Day #4- Weigh in & drowning in my mistakes

I am feeling so upset right now I don't even know how to start this off :( Yesterday morning I was on fire by that evening it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on me and I sat drenched, cold and sad.

I guess I shall start with the facts... a few days ago I made this chocolate zucchini pumpkin brownie/bread thing. It was good but I didn't cook it long enough so it just wasn't very firm. Even with all those veggies it was made from a box cake mix and high in calories. I had eaten the ends of it the other days and was left with the middle which was the mushy part.

Well idk what got into me but that afternoon I just picked some off the top and ate it then went back and grabbed a fork and began picking at the top some more. It wasn't binge worthy but it wasn't good. And it actually really wasn't even good so I don't know why I did it :(

I think eating it really did a number on my stomach as well because I felt as if I would die later. I don't know if it was just how much of it I ate (really no more then two slices worth) or because it wasn't cooked very well. It should have been fine to eat completely raw though it was vegan so no eggs in it even. But it did have alot of flax so eh idk. My body revolted against me and I wanted to die either way.

It doesn't end there either...

My husband came home shortly after that and almost the very first thing he says to me is order pizza. I actually being a good girl say no, completely shocked that he would even suggest that and say hello I am trying to eat better. He says fine just order me pizza...yes he really seriously said that. I go well I guess I could just order 1 pizza and we can share. No he doesn't want to share.

Now pizza is my arch-nemesis in eating healthy. It has to be my most favorite food in the world. A food that I have often binged on. A food that I could literally eat every single day and never get sick of. Infact I know that there has been times that for like a week I did eat pizza every single day- order out, frozen, some pizza rolls or other pizza like items, etc... :( I am not proud of myself but pizza is most definitely my trigger food. And my husband 100% knows this....

I want to hate him for it. I want to be oh so angry with him. & ok partly I am because he should be more considerate. But I am an adult and I make my own choices. I could have said firmly NO. But I didn't. I could have also made way better choices with the pizza and I didn't....

I did order pizza. I could have gotten thin crust which would have been way way less calories and I didn't. I could have eaten 1 or 2 slices and made a salad to fill me up and I didn't. The only thing I did do well is that I didn't order cheesy bread which I usually do & eat all the bread myself.

So yeah I stuffed myself with pizza. :( I think in my head I was telling myself it will be fine you will just eat a slice or two and save the rest but I knew I wouldn't.

I am not saying I will never eat pizza again. I love it far too much to say that lol. But I can't have it around me right now. My self control is weak and I shouldn't be ashamed to admit that. I was really down on myself last night and when I went to bed I almost just cried, I wanted to. I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much but I just felt completely disappointed in myself.


~ But today was my weigh in day. And I seriously was scared that I wouldn't have lost anything or worse I would have gained. But I actually lost 1lb exactly. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

 I think that part of it may be that I am not eating enough calories everyday. I am staying on my very lowest range. I have that fear of if I keep eating so few now how will I reduce them later when I lose weight? But I know I am just afraid of calories & so it is hard for me to go so high (on purpose lol).

I think what I am learning is that while my fitness is going much better and I am learning to shine there my diet is still struggling alot. I have alot of issues with food/emotions & self control/willpower that are going to take alot of time to deal with.

My best bet may be to just remove all temptation for now until I am in a better place, a stronger more confident place.

Yet it is kindof funny because I bought halloween candy like in the week right after halloween and I still have it sitting there out in the open and haven't touched more then like 1 reese's cup once a day for a few days (& I tracked it). And my husband bought a ton of cupcakes (huge boxes of them too) & while I had a slight twinge of want I haven't touched them at all. (seriously now is my husband trying to sabotage me? lol) So there are things I can be strong with and just things I surely can not. I guess if I build up the NO attitude on the things I am ok with it will help me learn to say no to the things I have a harder time with and help me learn that I can say no. I do have willpower she is just a bit too quiet sometimes lol. But she is there!



This is already a terribly long blog post but I have alot to talk about still lol

This week is insanely busy for me! Tomorrow my husband is off work and we go shopping, Tues is his birthday we didn't have any plans but it is usually his day off but I guess now he has to go in to work some...& then Wed he got off and we are driving down to his parents that day, Thurs is turkey day and like right smack after we finish eating we have to drive back home because he has to go into work at like 9 to help set up catering that target ordered for their black friday stuff...

Seriously he has gotten screwed over at work. I wish he would stand up for himself more and say NO. He agreed to come in thurs so he could get wed off and then they are making him come in even earlier then he thought even though they know he is leaving town and no one else is... and then also making him come in on his birthday. He should have said no he couldn't do it but he was afraid they would make him work wed.

So I told him to ask his mom if we could do thanksgiving dinner more like a later lunch instead of having it at around 5 or later because we have to leave by 7 to make it home in time for when he has to go to work. And he doesn't want to ask because his brother/sister in law goes and does dinner with her family first and then goes to his parents so they are not able to do it until later. Which annoyed me. If they are eating with her family then why can't we all do dinner earlier then they come at their normal time and we can say hi and still spend time with them and maybe eat desert together etc.. they live in the same town we don't....

Anyways this week I must get all my candles up on my site for sale. There should be zero reasons why i can't. I figured out pictures, all of my tarts and melts labels are finished. I just need to finish making these last few then package them all up and take pics then get them up. I would love to also get my actual candles up by the end of this week but we will have to see..

Then next mon/tues our new roommate moves in. All the furniture has been moved and everything is clean so I will just have normal cleaning to do and such but it is still very stressful. I am going to assume the first two weeks with him here will be awkward but then maybe things will settle down some and I can just worry about everything else lol

May the positivity stick

I feel amazing like a star about to burst with joy! I am awesome & i know it! First I am feeling the positivity flow. That is a hard one for me. I have for so long drowned in the negativity. Where everyday I just put myself down. Now  I am on a different positive path. Sure I am not perfect and I am sure it will creep back up but I won't let it over take me. Now I fill myself with alot of affirmations. If everyday i fill my head with negativity and putting myself down I start to believe that, so it must work the opposite way as well- if everyday I remind myself how wonderful I am and with positivity it will "stick".

Right now every morning I wake up and while I am brushing my teeth, washing my face etc... I light a candle in the bathroom and look in the mirror & repeat- I am a strong, beautiful, confident Goddess who can take on the world.


*~* Today I did amazing fitness wise. I woke up and my plan was to walk down to the park. About half way to the street I would have to turn on to get there I began to chicken out. Doubt crept in whispering in my head that I was too out of shape and idk big scary fears. But I pushed them aside and without even a clear thought in my head I just found my body going. I turned onto the street and was like ok wow I guess I am doing it!

My body wants it. It may sound strange because I am over weight and sit on my ass all the time. But honestly I LOVE to workout. I love the rush of energy I get. I wanna hike and run and go go go. I really do not think I am lazy, I just think my problem has always been my fears, panic/anxiety issues and depression.

Anyways so I went to the park, and my plan was just to walk to the park then turn and go home. Small baby steps as I haven't worked out in forever. I was just well afraid as normal and didn't want to push myself too hard. Well I felt great when i got there, sat down on a bench and just enjoyed the park for maybe 5-10 mins then began to walk the track. The track is 1/4 a mile each loop.

I felt on fire. I liked my pace. I was all positive and thinking about how I could keep doing this and how I will start to run and how great that would be.

But at the start of my third loop it was rough. To begin with I woke up and rushed to leave this morning because I slept a bit late and in my rush didn't have a thing to drink at all that morning- eek. So when I got to the park I was already thirsty but as I walked my throat began to feel like it was on fire and I felt a bit meh. I really wished I had a drink. And ofcourse the park doesn't have bathrooms or a water fountain - lame.

My legs also began to burn a bit so I finished and decided to go home.

But it was amazing I walked 2.78 miles for a total of 63 mins. I think my pace is a bit slow. But I will build up! 

And I am learning alot. I have a huge issue with as soon as I set out walking way way too fast and then my muscles cry and I kill myself. I need to start off with a very slow walk to wake up I think. When i do then I go farther and last longer and am not in pain. 
Secondly I have learned not to just stop walking. When I stop, I first walk a bit slower then stretch. No more pain!

Now I just need to figure out if I want to bring a water bottle or just make sure to drink well before and after my walks. TMI- I have a tiny bladder and don't want to be out walking and have to pee lol. 

*~* Diet wise, well today begins my diet officially. I will track all that I eat and stay on plan and eat healthy. It is a bit scary. i know I can do it though. It is difficult and I have to be vigilant & strong but I can do it.

*~* Also today I have to take my youngest cat, Kit to the vet. He is just getting a checkup today so he can get neutered soon. It is so expensive and we don't have a ton of money going into the holidays meh. But I like this vet and he really needs some snipping because he has become a holy terror to the other cats, thank god he hasn't started marking yet. The last vet I went to was completely horrid though & it put me through so much stress that even though this is a different vet I am still on edge. 

Also today and tomorrow my plan is to finish moving the furniture & get all the rest of the trash out so it is all finished. Now my husband said he would help, but he is the worst about these kind of things. I am going to have to nag, and he won't feel like it. And then I will be pissy. 

I don't like waiting until the last minute to do things, if you can't tell I tend to over think & worry about things lol. If it is all taken care of then I can relax. Well we don't have alot of time until his friend moves in and this all has to be finished. next week is my husbands birthday & thanksgiving which we will be out of town for 2 days. So I want to get it done now so if I don't like how the furniture is at I can change it or if something doesn't work right I can fix it. 

I can do it all myself. Nothing is too heavy that I can't drag easily. The couch is the only big item to move and I can push it to a different spot in the same room easy. The desks are both super light. The only thing I am not sure I could do is figure out how to hookup the internet and cable in different rooms. So I wanted his help mostly for that. 

So I am praying that he is actually helpful. 

lastly my other stresser are my candles. I want to open my candle business this week. I really want to get it up for christmas orders. It is a bit of work but I know my real issue is pure fear. I can't let myself succumb to fear. I love my candles, I am so proud of them. I know my tart candle melts are absolutely amazing. My packaging and labels are cute. I can so do this! But it is a whole new frontier and new stuff is scary. I just dont want to fail, I don't want to be the only one who likes my candles lol. I put so so much money that we didn't have into this. I just keep telling myself that I know my stuff is great and that this is my passion and my dream and that is what matters.

So yeah the end of this month is insanely busy and stressful- DH's birthday, thanksgiving, thinking towards christmas, opening my business, some dude moving in with us, and on top of it staying on plan with diet & exercise. lol

Grief Thrives in the Silence

I was doing better, focusing on the positive atleast. yet it is all still so fragile.

The other day I fell asleep during the day in the living room chair. Is what chilly (snowing here!!) and I was all curled up in my snuggie with my cat purring on my lap, & being a bit tired I fell right to sleep lol. There was a knock at my door. At first it didn't wake me up. My heater is insanely loud, you can't even like hear the tv over it. So it must have kindof disturbed me but not quite woke me up. The second knock was louder and scared my cat who jumped off my lap- which made sure I was awake lol

I didn't answer the door. I froze as if a deer caught in headlights. Scared terrified...by a knock. I went to the bathroom, closed the door. My hands were shaking so badly and I just cried.

It wasn't too important, I guess some plumbers  were here to fix something in the building and I am assuming they just wanted to let me know the water was being turned off for a bit. I assume as I didn't answer the door.

Admitting this incident is almost as painful as when it happened. I am embarrassed, ashamed. I feel stupid. It wasn't like it was a serial killer- I didn't think it was either. It was just a person. And another person seeing me, seeing my messy house, idk. It was terrifying for me.

I didn't tell my husband it happened. I kept silent all day- cried myself to sleep making sure to go to bed before him. I knew he would look at me with that confusion- not being able to understand. Not getting it. Acting like it is something silly and saying its no biggie to answer the door. It could have been important. He won't mean to hurt me like that but his words will hurt.

That is one reason I like blogging so much. There is such freedom to it. I don't have to sit in silence letting it build up inside of me. I can release it and set my words free. Let it all out in this open, honest space.


I can see that I can't do this alone. I need drugs. It is kindof this strange circle when it comes to the fact that I am so afraid that I need to be put on medication to deal with it, yet being too afraid makes it really really hard to ask for and then get help.

I have to get my insurance updated first. IDK they messed something up when we moved and so it still has my address listed wrong. I tried updating it and was told only my husband could and to do so he needed to fill out some form from his job. Well I keep telling him to bring it home and he keeps forgetting.
But I think he might just not want to at the same time. He hates his job and wanted to quit and/or be demoted. Either way it is going to probably be quite a loss in pay. So he talked about dropping the insurance all together to save money..... Hello I am a diabetic and need to be put on meds for that and my anxiety disorder. We need the insurance.

He keeps telling me that if he quit his job that I would need to get one. I know that. I want to work. Oh so bad do I want to work. But I can't leave my apartment without a 20 min peptalk and having a panic attack the entire time. I need to be put on meds before I can do that. I see the plan in my head- visit a doctor, get a prescription, then once they start working- find a job.

ofcourse going to the doctor also means facing that I have not been sticking to my diabetic plan or being healthy and it makes me feel like a failure. I was doing so good- a star patient then poof I stopped.

But I don't tell my husband any of this. I don't talk about it. I sit in silence, swimming in my grief.

I know I need to talk about it. I just know it will probably be bad. We will fight somehow. So instead I stick my head in the sand and hope it will all go away...I will let you in on a secret... it doesn't go away. No it thrives there in the silence, eats away at you. Makes you feel worse each day.

I have to face it. Be brave. Put on my big girl panties and talk about it, try to fix it. Try to move forward. I just keep trying to stay focused on the other side. Down the road, into the future. I get on meds and it can really help me not have this yo-yo of feelings, and have a fighting chance at dealing and moving forward.

Control and lack of it

I am not really doing all that well. It is a struggle. Each day, each moment. My biggest issue is control. IDK why but I have deep issues with control. That is why I have my panic attacks, why I can barely leave my apartment. I can't control the world. I can't control what happens and it makes everything feel like a chaotic, scary overwhelming mess.

I was reading a comment left on my last blog over and over and over again. Such wise words she left me.I can't control every little thing but there are things I can control and there are things I can do to make a difference. If I make one change, or even do one thing right it won't in any way line up everything else into perfection but I will feel better in that moment and it can make tomorrow alittle bit better too.

It is just hard to realize that at times.

I feel horribly sick and I know beyond a doubt it is all because of how I am treating myself and my body. I am making myself sick. I want to feel better and by happier.

I am once again finding my spirituality. I am reading tarot and I meditated and prayed. I just sat in my dark bedroom and prayed and cried and it felt amazing. My cat even came and sat next to me and meowed and purred and kissed my tears (are pets not amazing or what?).

I just told myself, ya know everything feels like complete crap. I don't completely understand or know why. All I want to do is curl up and cry right now. I can't control all of my stressers. But I can control some things. I can control if I get up and go do laundry that I have put off for four days now. I can go do the dishes that I have also put off. I can do these things. And they will make a difference, a small one but still a difference.

I am stressed because I don't know what is going on with my husband's job. He says he is going to be fired.

I am stressed because of stupid Easter. We are going to travel to visit my inlaws. I love them alot I really truly do. But it is so difficult for me. I try to explain it and no one understands. Being around nice people who you like- how can that be a bad thing? But I will be in full panic attack mode all day and if someone so much as looks at me wrong I could burst into tears. Not to mention their normal Easter dinner is all things I would never eat. So either I feel left out or they make something else and I feel guilty. On top of it my husband will probably not be understanding or sweet and leave me alone, ignore me, ditch me, or spend way too much time saying goodbye so that we leave late- all making it about 300% harder on me. I understand that he doesn't get how I am feeling or what I am going through completely but we have been together a long time now, we have been through all of this you would think he would get it and try to work with me. sigh

Also two places are hiring near me. I really want a job for oh so many reasons- my own money being the #1 lol. But I am so scared you don't even know to just put in an application. Plus if I do and my DH loses his job then eh what if we have to move idk.

Anyways.... I am trying to be calmer and just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. I am going to eat healthier & just try to be happier.

Of Fragile Hearts & Minds....

I haven't written in awhile, even when things were feeling good and I wanted to write I didn't. When I write somehow the truth pours out so... Realizing only afterwards that I had recoiled into my pretend little ball of distraction. Letting myself have fluff focus on things that don't matter so that I could hide from everything that does. While at the same time making myself feel like everything is ok.

I feel completely insane. I feel like the walls are slipping away & I am in a furry to hold on to anything but at any moment I will lose any grip I had on reality.

I had gotten my sleep on track. yay! I was going to bed early, waking up early, and I felt great. On top of it the weather had shifted to a gentle warmth- I opened all the windows in my apartment, the sun, fresh air and a gentle breeze drifted in. Everything felt perfect.

I didn't take hold though. I was so happy on the outside but I wouldn't let it sink any deeper. For some reason i felt more fragile then ever. It makes sense in some way- like if you have this fragile glass vase you can pack it up and keep it protected but if you have it out and about it will surely be broken. I think that is the logic that was filling my head, that everything felt too perfect and in any moment it would all break.

So apparently now even when things are good I worry about the bad.... Did I mention that I felt insane??

But it faded all away. Even worse all at once. My husband had a week off for vacation. he didn't get to follow all his plans because he had a horrid tooth ache issue. Him being home all day everyday and in a mess of cranky pain set my stress to high. The weather changed from lovely spring to hot very fast not letting us adjust hitting 79 in my apartment & felt stuffy with like no breeze I wanted to melt. DH wanted to turn on the AC but I wanted the windows open so badly. Then poof the weather was back to cold. Rainy and freezing had to turn the heater back on. And slowly I let my sleep schedule lose itself, having DH home made it more difficult to go to bed early instead staying up doing stuff with him until i was going to bed at 2-3am.

MY husband being home wasn't as bad as it could have been. We didn't fight all too much. But it awoken many things in me that I wasn't completely aware of. I am very lonely. Like to the point that it just hurts. I can go my whole day without talking to anyone but my pets and I am not crazy enough yet to think they make good conversation lol. I barely talk to my family on the phone- they all live far far away- but I dont call or text because I have nothing to say. Nothing in my life is ok and I don't want to talk about the bad (a bit hard to pretend it isnt there if I talk about it I guess). So I just don't call. I don't work and I don't know anyone. I have no friends at all.

And when the DH is home it is actually worse. Because he ignores me. Not on purpose but he just is kindof in his own world doing his own things and wanting to do what he wants that maybe he doesnt think of me. IDK we dont talk and if we do it is to fight.But we both play this game online and he will be doing things with all these other people and won't ever invite me along. The other day I was practically begging him to do stuff together in the game- run my new low lvl alt through stuff and he wouldn't. He said he didn't want to. And then two days later he bent heaven and earth to run a friend in game through stuff nonstop to gear him up and didn't ask me to go even.

It is just a game and it is stupid but I know that it does matter too because of the underlying issues. That I am lonely and I just want attention. I find I don't even know how to deal with it, I am not good with communication or dealing with people and I dont quite get these feelings or what to do with them. I will just resort to childish tantrums for any type of attention. On consciously but afterwards I realize how stupid I was being.

IDK what to do.


On the physically healthy side I am also an equal mess. When I was in that window of perfection I actually had eaten better then I was before but not great. And then this week I had decided I would do amazing and bought all good stuff. But instead I ate fastfood and binged in a horrid mess of pity party sadness.


I just feel so fragile. Weak and broken. Just this pile of nothing on the floor that everyone would just step around or over and ignore because I am not worth their time. Everyone talks about all this motivation and strength and courage and hope etc... but how do you summon that energy when this is all you feel like?
I felt like this empty vessel but I keep filling myself up with this negativity and pain, sadness, self hate. And I can't fit any sort of goodness into it until I empty some of that out. And sometimes I start to slowly just alittle bit and it takes every bit of energy and strength I can find to do it. But then I fall and so easily the bad stuff comes in flooding me.

How do you fight that?? When the bad is so easy that it just openly flows and yet the good you have to fight and struggle with everything in you just for a drop?

It makes it feel like it isn't even worth it.

And then someone will say- it is worth it in the end. But what if that never comes? What if I can never do it? What if everyday is this same struggle of me trying and failing? I don't think I can keep doing that....

It makes me want to just die this second, let it all go away. Maybe then I can have peace.

I won't. No. I will just throw myself back out there once again. But i don't think I have any hope left. Because just like I said when I started writing this post, I am always waiting to fail. I think of myself as too fragile. And even if right now I am ok tomorrow I will fall and lay broken on the floor. I am just waiting until one day when its finally too much and I can't get back up.

Standing on the edge of a cliff

Sometimes it feels like the entire universe is against me. Everything starts going well, I get a day or two of bright sunshine and a happy clear path ahead of me. Then stressers come at me from every angle and the sky is cloudy and I feel like crap. Things just fall apart all around me.

Part of it is just that I am not good with dealing with stress at all. I just want to give up, stuff my face with comfort food and lay in bed all day.

Right now I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Everything that is going on just has kept pushing me and pushing me farther until here I stand one foot step away from the edge. I have two choices here. I can either just let myself fall. It feels so easy & simple. I am so tired of fighting and just to let go and release it all and fall into nothingness would just be nice. To just give up and end all of this. Or I could jump. IDK where I would land maybe another cliff, maybe on some perfect path into happiness. It would take so much work and effort and I would need to summon every bit of strength I have and then I don't even know if it would be worth it. If I would even make it, if I would just end up falling anyways. Or if where I land would be worse. Sure it could be better but who knows? Not to mention that jumping may mean having to release myself of some things first. To let go of things I am attached to, things I love, things I feel I need and things I am just used to. Can I even do that?

It is difficult. And I hate it. That whole between a rock and hard place fits well. Because I am stuck with only bad choices that I do not want to make or even face. let me hide under the blankets and let it all go away but the universe says no :(


DH & i are fighting big time right now. Last night we were playing a game & we died. He is upset but starts going on about how we can't do it this way and it is pretty much on me so ofcourse I get upset feeling like he is putting me down and saying I wasn't doing good enough.

Even if that is not his intent, we are both upset and it is hurting my feelings and I just want him to stop talking about it and stop rubbing it in. Let it go so we can calm down and not fight over this. I ask him to stop. he doesn't listen. He just keeps making it worse and will not let it go and it is becoming more attacking of me with every second. So I am finally in tears begging him to stop and then yelling at him to just shut up. So since I am just yelling for him to shut up he decides the best coarse of action is to throw two bottle caps at me. They were little but we are not that far away and he threw them hard. One hit me right in the breast and left a big red mark and stung really really badly.

I do not understand this. If you see someone you care about in tears and visibly upset from what you are doing, why not just stop? It is as if you just want to "win", he just wants to feel "right" and doesn't mind throwing me on the fire to be.

I leave the room and calm down and come back to finish the game, because other people were involved and it wasn't fair to them. Afterwards we start talking about it again i can't remember how. But I tell him I just want him to apologize for treating me like that & throwing the thing at me. He says he won't and then later says he knows he should, but won't until I apologize. I ask him what I need to apologize for?

Apparently I should apologize for calling him a jerk, when he was acting like one and because I said I was sick of this. I think that is absurd. I said both things when he kept pushing me until I was in tears, begging him to stop and him being really mean and hurtful to me by then. He WAS being a jerk and I was sick of this. I am not going to apologize for that, because I am not sorry for saying either of those.

So then he starts really being just mean towards me. I am upset and he just goes off attacking me. He starts calling me emotional crazy & he is so sorry that he works to take care of me while I just sit at home playing with the cats. I mean why? Why just start bringing up things that have nothing to do with anything except to hurt me even more, attack me and upset me? because yeah it worked it upset me alot. So nice that the person I love and is supposed to care about me loves to rip me apart and make me feel like nothing.

I then very upset say fine you don;t have to take care of me at all anymore I will leave. I go to grab the phone off his desk saying I will call my sister. He pushes me away grabbing it himself so I can't. I go towards him and say just give me the phone. And he starts punching me. Swinging his arm all around smacking me all over my arms and hands. I finally just lightly push his monitor askew and then run to the bathroom and lock the door so he can't come in.

I was actually scared of him. I was all red and sore. Plus I have cuts all over my hands from my rats and while he was hitting me he split them open all over my hand so I was bleeding. And cleaning that off stung real nicely :(


He just is abusive to me. Not like he comes home and just beats me all the time or gives me black eyes or if the towels are not lined up perfectly smacks me or anything. But he will hit me or throw stuff at me if he gets mad. And he is very emotional abusive. He puts me down and makes me feel like crap about myself whenever we fight. He just has very strong control issues, where he has to be right, things have to be his way. He can never be wrong. If I even dare say that he is not perfect, if he did something the wrong way or even saying he hurt my feelings he takes all of that as me being mean to him and attacking him. i do not understand how his mind works that way. But it makes it impossible to talk to him.

I kindof feel like he doesn't want me to be better or happy. Everytime things start picking up for me there he is to pull me back down, to stress me out and make me feel like crap. And it is not just that but other things too. Like our issues with the store and transportation- I don't drive so I rely on him to take me shopping. We go once a week on his days off. And he always wants to go late at night even though on the one day we have an obligation and the other day he has to get up early to open the next day. So he will wait to the last minute and then rush me through the store often.

Well first i will suggest "hey its blah blah time and getting late lets go to the store"- he will respond with "don't tell me when to go I will go when I want". okay.... so then I try 'what time to you think you will want to go to the store?" His response- "when I feel like it" not only are his responses like that but he also gets mad and will often yell them at me like I asked the most horrid question ever.

Then the next week comes and I am scared to even ask him about the store at all because I do not want to be yelled at. So I don't say anything all day to him about it. He waits until it is super late and we can't go and then says why didn't you say anything to me about the store? I am not even kidding! Color me confused- if I say something (& I mean I say one thing I don't just sit there asking 50 times) I am annoying and being buggy, if I don't then I guess I didn't want to go. I just do not know what the correct answer is there. I try to ask him but he just gets mad at me for not knowing I guess.

It is just like he expects me to be ready and waiting all day long for when he feels like it. But I must be ready and make it known I am ready without being buggy or saying anything. I honestly feel like he is just being controlling. Driving and the store is something he has complete control over me with and he uses it to punish me and just show his control. I sometimes think he won't go when I want to just be mean. And on the opposite side he will get all ready sometimes and tell me we can go and treats it like a rewards I should be so happy about- not very often but really how is any of that supposed to make me feel?

Then we also have back when I was first losing weight and being so healthy and taking such good care of myself. I was so happy and doing so well. And he started just being so horrible to me. He didn't want to take me to the doctors. He wouldn't even try to help me. Little by little he kept pushing at me until I fell apart and I said fine and stopped going to the doctors, stopped taking care of myself and was miserable. I don't completely blame him, I don;'t want it to sound like I do. I know I was the one who made the choices but he made it very easy to make the bad ones.

I think about what it would mean if I got better. if I was able to take care of myself. if I learned to drive and got a good job. I wouldn't need him. Does he feel threatened by that? maybe that is why.

I just do not know anymore. I do know the currently this relationship is just toxic for me. But what can I do?

He still has not fixed the insurance for me. I need him to for sure.

I need to take care of myself. I need to get a job. I need to just focus on me. I am going to stay here unless he kicks me out, which I do not think he will. I am just not leaving behind my pets. But I think for now we are done. I am not sleeping in the same bed as him anymore. I took off my wedding ring. It might not be over idk yet but it needs to be not a worry for me right now. I can not focus on everything at once. I can not spread myself all over trying to fix it all. And this...it takes two to fix and I do not think he is willing to try.

When he is home I will stay away from him. He has two days off and I will busy myself going out, or cleaning or in the bedroom reading. On the days he opens when he comes home early I will just do the same. On the days he closes I will barely see him and go to bed before he gets home.

I can walk to the store nearby for some food. Which will probably help me lose weight alot lol. I will look for a job nearby so I can walk to it. I still won;t be able to drive but I can get a bike maybe and there is a bus that i can look into so I can get to doctors and such. I will put alittle money aside each week once I get a job and save up enough to move out or whatever maybe.

I have ignored issues and pushed them aside my entire life so it shouldnt be too hard to do it with him. It may not be the right answer but I don't have one. Everything sucks. Every choice is not one I want to make.

So I will just do what I can little by little & hopefully things get better.


Honestly I think if I was better, if I felt good about myself and could drive and had my own money that maybe I would just leave.I do love him so much. But sometimes love is just not enough. I have this naive view where everything should just work out like some romantic movie. Love saves all and nothing else matters as long as you are in love. Like so many other things in life it turns out I might just be an idiot. That life doesn't really work that way. Maybe I am this horrible person and not worthy of love. Maybe I do not deserve anyone better. But I want something better. I want someone who is happy to see me, happy to listen to me. Someone who will hold me all day long and watch movies with me. Someone who makes me want to be a better person and brings out the best in me.

But maybe I will die alone with a bunch of cats....

And So She Prays

Ebb & Flow~ My mood changes could give you whiplash. I feel alot better today is what I am trying to say. I talked to the DH and idk it made me feel better. He is trying.

I am a witch. It is sometimes easy to forget that. Forget my spirituality. Forget what I believe and where I am coming from, what I am connected to.

The Other day was Halloween. It is a major holiday in my religion. I did nothing. It is like not celebrating Christmas seems weird. I gave myself excuses that I am not in the right frame of mind to do anything...lies. Honestly i didn't wish to face that part of myself right now. I am scared and it is really easy to just be upset instead.

Halloween is a combination of many different traditions coming together. You have the celtic Samhain that last harvest festival of the year. In a time where they would slaughter the last of the animals to stock up for the cold and barren winter to come. Nowadays we can run to the grocery store all year long so I think it is hard to imagine. Then combined with All Saints Day & The Day of the Dead to honor and celebrate those who have passed. A moment to think of death, remember those who are not here and to be thankful that we still are. It is the day when the veil between worlds is one of the thinnest.

It reminds me of the Death card in tarot. It doesn't really mean death as in you are dead, soul is gone, breathless and empty. But more it is transition. Change. Like how some people think death is not the end but just a transition between this world and the next.

In my tradition we view the wheel of the year, the cycle of changing seasons, as a story/myth of the Goddesses life. She is born on the Winter Solstice grows up through out the year. On the Autumn Equinox she is Persephone beginning her descent into the underworld and on Halloween she is at the doorway into the darkness. Ready to let go of ego and everything that has held her back and step through-(the transition and release of death) changed ready to be reborn once more like the phoenix.

Samhain comes and it belongs to the Goddess Hekate, the Crone. It is being alone in the darkness with just your thoughts and inner reflections. To turn to look withing and face all that lies there. It seems like a scary time of year but isn't the darkness always a bit scary? To face that which we can't see? To learn to trust ourselves and let go of all we hold on to? What is more scary then our own inner demons?

It is known as the Witches New Year. I love that how the end is also the beginning all in one. I think it can be hard to wrap your head around the idea of that. Like shouldn't now be the end and then the Winter Solstice where She is born be the beginning? But I think it is kindof like stepping through a doorway. The moment you are putting your foot through and making that choice to move forward you are already leaving the past behind and starting something new. Time keeps moving. Each second is gone just like that leading to the next one.

It is kindof like a really great time for all of this and I could gain some wisdom and insight here.

I found this amazing article thattalks about Samhain and learning to release:
http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usor&c=holidays&id=12853

Learning to ride with the flow of energy around us is truly internalizing the old axiom that ‘everything happens for a reason’. Often, we litter our brains with ideas of what could have been or what we should have done differently. Although it is important to self evaluate how we affect our surrounding with our behavior, it is equally important to remember that everything that happened was supposed to happen and nothing else could have happened. With each action we take, we learn and grow, so even one hour after we made a decision, we are a changed person.

We cannot impose our new learning onto our old selves and expect us to have behaved any differently. When we try to, we create havoc in our psyche and lock up our magick powers trying to move them backward. This is an important lesson of the Devil tarot card that comes out at Samhain: we need to learn to let those anxieties die away before we can fully move into the gifts of the coming year.

Anxiety is an internal reaction that occurs when things do not happen or do not respond in the way that we expect them to. When we are anxious, we dampen our ability to receive energy and guidance because we are focusing on the perceived consequences of what is going to occur. Anxiety and fear hinder our abilities to be a part of the energies around us. As egotistical little beings, it is hard to give up our anxieties over what we don’t want to happen. But, perpetually we experience times where the Divine steps in and we do not get exactly what our ego wants because it against the goals of our higher selves.

Witchcraft is just as much about accepting change as it is about creating change. In accepting change, we let our anxiety die away and experience the beautiful energy of the world. In creating change, we knowingly interact and push around those exact same energies.

Samhain, the celebration of Death, is also about accepting and celebrating the beauty of the natural energies of the Universe and ourselves. This is the time where we ritually let the anxieties, the expectations, the desires for change, and the thoughts of how things “should be” die away so that we can see and appreciate the way things are.

With our ego released, we embark upon a period of self-discovery, acceptance, and listening that will prepare us for the full appreciation of the mystery of rebirth at Yule.

The entire article is great but I loved that piece.

I think I will do alot of praying but planning a big ritual this thursday it is the full moon. A good healing ritual. Maybe I will also do a ritual with my DH. We have never done one together before, infact he has never even seen me do a ritual lol. I am fairly private about it all but it might be nice. I am not sure if he would be interested- well not so much in all the religious stuff of it but he might.

Also on another note I got a tarot book that should arrive here soon. BTW stay away from Barnes & Noble their online site is a pain and I had to go through a huge mess with their CS ugh. Anyways I am going to do a whole big tarot study thing and get a new tarot journal. I am kindof tied up because I want a cute little journal with my own thoughts on each card to carry with me but my hand writing is bleh so I partly would rather type it all. But idk how that would work either

Tarot Reading

Last night I decided to do a tarot reading. And it was very enlightening. I pulled just three cards, a simple past, present and future.

Reading tarot cards on the floor is insanely difficult when you have three cats btw lol They were like ooo whatcha doing on the floor? Making it a bit complicated to stay focused lol

Past: Ace of Cups
Ever fitting card for new love. Our past was just that raw potential energyoverflowling love and emotions ready for the world.

At the beginning our love was all giddy & romantic and so fulfilling. It just flowed out of us easily.


Present: 5 of Pentacles
 You have 4's so rooted and solid. A good grounded foundation. And then 5 comes along as the kink in the wheel.

I really liked what it says here:

The fives aren't pleasant, but make us stonger. When trying to read the Fives, think of the Hierophant. The Hierophant represents a teacher, counselor, or priest, someone who advises people when they're in trouble. Likewise, the Fives are unique cards in that each one seems to pose both a problem and an answer. After four fairly smooth cards of growth and development, the fives represent the fly in the ointment. Instability; the changes that make one humble and allow for growth. -http://tarot-advice.co.uk/fives/index.html

Now how much more perfect could a present card be right now?

I read that this card predicts loss and a difficult time. I also read:

Similar to the other fives, there is, once again, the issue of pride and humility.
The problem, "How can I survive this impoverished time without surrendering my pride?"
The answer: "You have to reconsider your values."
While those in this card may have lost material things, even the respect of society, they still have each other. Such times teach us who our real friends are, who is honestly generous, and what really matters to us.
When times are good again, we will remember what we learned in these hard times and not be fooled by sham friendships or capricious social regard. We will know who and what we can really trust.-http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/five-of-pentacles.shtml

 In that meaning things do not look good at all. But I also read (and sorry I can't remember where I got this note from):

It is a difficult time, as all fives are. "How can I deal with this loss?" asks the Querent. And the answer is, "By realizing that it is no real loss at all." The Querent must understand that while they may have lost material things, the spiritual is still with them. Where there is life, there is hope. They should also be advised that this too will pass. Though it may seem like there is no end in sight, there is. We all go through lean and lonely times. Things will get better.

 I really like that. Like no matter what happens we still have that love there. And how I want to believe more then anything that love can conquer all. That we can heal and get through this.


Future: 2 of Swords
But then the future is this card which is not happy feeling at all.

This is the infamous blindfolded lady with the crossed swords. Crossed swords suggest a clash of ideas or words. The blindfolded lady, indicating impartiality, cannot uncross the swords, but she keeps them still. This is the knowledge of how to compromise, keep these two sides in balance and at peace. Note that this is a temporary compromise. The Querent may be in the middle, or just forced to accept it. Either way, the must be told that it won't last. The direction of your new brain power here is how to keep these two ideas from fighting, to hold off trouble and make peace- http://astrocontent.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2368776.cms

The Two of Swords depicts a young, blindfolded woman who holds a sword in each hand. She sits before a sea filled with rocks and crags that present obstacles to ships which need clear passage. The blindfold shows that the woman in this card is confused about her situation and that she can see neither the problem nor the solution clearly. The swords she holds are perfectly balanced, showing a balanced and stable mind, and that both sides of the situation need to be addressed-http://www.biddytarot.com/card.php?id=59&name=Two%20of%20Swords

She represents the need to move forward using intellect over emotions to figure it all out. Yet I think I would rather just throw myself onto the swords. It seems alot easier.

This is not a fairytale and there is no happy ending. I won't wake up tomorrow or next week even and feel like all is perfect again because it never will be. But I may just need to compromise somewhat & accept what happened and move forward.



It gave me alot to think about. Though it still sucks. I just want to close my eyes and cover my ears and scream and not deal with it. Make it all just go away. I know obviously that it can't happen.

I think the hardest part is that I know all these very lovely thoughts here. I understand point A & I understand point B. But I am totally clueless as to how to actually get from A to B.

Falling to pieces

I just don't know how to function right now. I feel like I am in this heavy fog where I can't fully think clearly or understand. I can't even be fully sad anymore...just empty. I cry but it isn't even a good heavy deep cry.

I am a complete mess. I am trying so hard to hold on to my focus and goals and health right now. It is something I can control. But I am going through this loop where I starve and don't eat almost all day and then binge at night. How evil thou are pizza because you pretend to comfort me when you really make me feel like crap all around.

My DH is good at confusing me. Well really I think it is my own naive hopeless romantic self that is the problem. I want to believe everything he tells me. I want to believe that he loves me endlessly. We talk and everything feels like it will be ok. Like somehow I might make it through this. But the moment he stops talking it all falls apart again. Like as if I am lost at sea and one moment I have land within my sight and then next it is gone and I can't tell which direction is which. I kindof feel like that I have nothing to hold onto right now.

It just keeps wracking my brain. Horrible thoughts that punish me. The words he said to the other women. If he is lying...

There were emails from two women online from world of warcraft. He admitted to one but he said he couldn't remember the other and acted like he had no clue what I was talking about and said it was probably from the same woman- though the signed their emails with two different names and had different email addresses.... yeah that sounds right. Benefit of the doubt- maybe one wasn't really much of anything (the one he can't remember was(at the time atleast)(is?) married) maybe he really can't remember. Which is kindof horrible too. But I am a smart girl. And I put the pieces together and found out who she is. (also btw the interent is a scary place and I found out everything about this woman from a 2 sec google search which good thing I am not insane for real lol) But anyways she still plays world of warcraft. So I am thinking maybe he lied to me because she still plays...

I read over the messages again and again that were sent between his ex and him. Which is far past punishing myself and just pure torturing.

I think one of the hardest issues for me right now is how betrayed I feel. How stupid it makes me feel. That I had no clue. That I was probably talking sweet and being loving or giving myself to him when he was thinking about someone else. Sneaking off to talk with someone else. Thinking of leaving me for someone else.

I don't know if I can ever get over this. I don't think I can ever trust him.

I am going to see a therapist but I have to wait for him to fix the insurance. Right now he is out of town. Probably a blessing. He had this whole vacation planned to go to vegas and blizzcon with his two brothers. He won't be back until wed 10/26.

He left tues. I haven't answered any of his texts. Which is childish of me. Let him think i jumped off a cliff or moved out.



So anyways... I feel like crap physically. As I said I was on alittle binge. I didn't walk the last two days though I planned to. Back to sleeping issues as soon as I had it worked out bleh. I took a walk today but ended up having to cut it short because my stomach was giving me issues. Some nasty mess of eating crap coupled with stress I imagine.

I am planning on getting to bed on time today and then also getting up at 6am to walk tomorrow. I won't even pretend to lie my eating probably is going to take a bit to get back on track. But I am going to keep walking and try to reign in my eating so that it isn't completely horrible.

My husband cheated on me

I am a complete and total mess right now. More then ever I am hoping blogging this will help me sort through all of my confusion and give me some kindof answer.

Yesterday I found out that my husband had cheated on me a few years ago.

I play the sims social on facebook and had a quest that only had a few days left and really needed some items sent to me asap. He was at work so I just logged on his facebook for half a sec to send it to myself. On there I moused over his messages & saw on from his ex. I didn't read it then. But it began to eat away at me and against better judgement I checked his computer history and found that he had not logged out of his email account.

I read his emails. Which I know was an invasion of his privacy but I am glad I did or I would never have known this. I admit I feel justified in it.

I discovered emails from 3 different women, one being his ex, & the other a woman from an online game we play together called world of warcraft. They spoke love and dirty comments and he had naked pictures from her. He told them he loved them. The ones from his ex talked about how he was having a crisis and couldn't decide if he wanted to leave me for her. And planning meetings with her. They were all from 2007-2009. Nothing sooner.

It broke my heart. I feel so stupid and foolish and so embarrassed.

When he came home it was 12:30 at night (past the bedtime i had set for myself) I confronted him very calmly. Not fighting or yelling but I cried more then I think I ever cried before.

He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it. He said that he never had physical sex or anything with anyone else. Just online stuff and that he had met his ex before but nothing happened. But how can I believe anything he ever says now? He says that he admitted to the rest so why would he lie about anything else? But he is a liar so that doesn't prove a thing, and I have hard evidence for everything else I have none for actual sex. And while it is all still cheating, what he did was cheating, telling another women he loves her is cheating sex is probably worse so there is that reason to lie.

He said it was all over back then. Ad nothing since. It was a time we were having a rough time in our marriage and fighting alot. It felt like he was blaming me for it by saying that. I asked him why did he end it the girl online he said things got better between us. But so? Relationships have ups and downs...if we have a rough time again he is going to cheat on me again?? But I asked him why he didn't leave me for his ex, why he didn't choose her. He said that he realized the same things would happen like they did in the past and that bad things would happen between them and they couldn't be together. Notice the very lack of me in any of that. It isn't that he chose me over her for my lovely qualities, he just didn't choose her. He said he went to her because things were so bad and that he had no one else to talk to. He doesn't have friends that he feels comfortable enough talking to and he doesn't talk to his brothers about that kindof stuff and he couldn't talk to me. Well guess what he still doesn't have enough to talk to so?? And he should have been talking ot me.

I also realized that the "bad time in our relationship" when everything happened with them was when I was very depressed and low. It was right before I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and then took the steps to get better, was on medication & prozac and was happier all around. Our relationship didn't get better, we still fight all the time. All of our same issues are there. I just got happier and less depressed.

I understand that my panic disorder and depression has always been hard for him to deal with. I did warn him before we got together but actually dealing with me is not easy. I have ups and downs. And through talking with him last night I realized that alot of the time things will be going on in my head and I will think it is obvious to everyone around me when he didn't really have a clue about it. A big problem we always had was that I would get really depressed and sad and low. He would think he could fix it- make me smile and everything would be fine and happy again. But I have a mental illness, there isn't a happy button that turns things around. He couldn't fix it. Him not being able to fix it would lead him to get frustrated and angry. Which led me to get more upset and to retreat- build up a wall and push him away. It was a nasty cycle.

Even though I can understand that it was hard for him. It does not give him any excuse to cheat on me. And it is not my fault at all. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart and I understand my role in the bad times, but we all make our own choices and he made the choice to cheat on me. That is all him.

I feel cheating is just such a low thing. It breaks so many promises and it is pure betrayal. If you do not want to be with someone- tell them. If you want to be with someone else- tell them. Don't sneak behind their back leaving them to be a fool.

Because I do feel so foolish and stupid & just embarrassed. The girl online i knew. I talked to her and considered her a friend. Even in one of the emails she mentions talking to me about personal stuff. Was I standing right next to him thinking everything was wonderful and sweet while he was having a conversation with her online telling her he loved her??? And the entire thing with his ex just burns. Because I always hated their friendship. But he swore over and over that they were just friends and nothing else. It would put me into a jealous rage and yet he would swear to me that I was being unfair and crazy and had nothing to worry about. He lied. I had everything to worry about apparently.


But it is all done now. Yet I don't know where to go from here....

How do I ever trust him again? Is it even possible? I already had major huge trust issues. How do I not spend the rest of my life wondering when he comes home 30 mins late where he really was? If he is talking to someone online who he is talking to?? I don't know if I ever can.

And not sound like a total bitch but how do you not throw it in his face that he did this to me? Not on purpose I mean but I know that it is there- everytime we get into a fight about anything how I not throw it in his face?

How do you heal this wound? How do you work things out and get better? Because no matter what it all just feels like a bandaid over a gaping wound.

Do I stay? Do I leave? Everyone keeps telling me that I am the only one who knows the answer to that. But I don't have any answers. I just don't know.

And worst of all how do I not fall apart completely?? I hit my mini goal of losing a total of 20lbs today. And I can't find any energy to be excited or happy about it. I feel empty. Like a huge hole has been ripped through me. I ate bad and didn't go for my walk today. I slept till noon and I had to literally force myself out of bed. I know none of that will help. Going off plan will not help and it will just make me feel worse. But it is hard to hold on to any kindof goal or focus right now.

My head is just a swirl of confusion. My sister said I could come and stay with them in Texas. That they would drive all the way up here and get me. But that would cost them a ton of money to do that. Idk if I want to leave or not. I thought about just maybe leave for a few months to think and get myself better without all of this mess. But it feels selfish. It would be selfish to my family depending on them and causing them to use up all that money to come get me and feed me and deal with me while I sleep on their couch penniless. It would be selfish to my life here. My poor cats & birds who I love so much and would have to leave here. Selfish to my husband who I would worry about but idk if it is right to be selfish towards him or not, if I should just focus on me or what?

If I go it might be for the wrong reasons - that I just desperately miss my family. And think things will be very easy for me. I don't have friends or anyone here other then my cats and husband. It gets lonely.

I still love my husband. I hate what he did. But I do still love him. But I am tied by what I think and how I feel. Whenever I read about other girls taking back their cheating boyfriends/spouses I would think how stupid they were. Once a cheater -always a cheater. I am a f!@#$% feminist for heaven's sake! I can't be one of those girls whose spouse cheats on them and stays like a moron.

I do still love him though. I think the real issue is how do I move on? How do I go through today and tomorrow and then the next? Because so many times in my life I just threw a blanket over bad stuff & pretended it wasn't there and moved on holding it inside of me and letting it eat away at me.How do I not do that?

I don't know how to have that balance of not letting it go(pretending it never happened)and at the same time not holding on to it (throwing it in his face/always wondering/never trusting)?? Can someone anyone answer that? Give me a plan, draw me a diagram, something.

I don't know what to do. I have zero clue. I prayed and prayed last night for a sign or an answer and I had a dream where I was living with my sister and we were playing world of warcraft and I was running late for work and so I had to stop in the middle of it even though we were at the last boss and have her drive me to work. I was super late like I had looked at the clock one minute and had 5 more mins and then the next second I looked at the clock and was 45 mins late. I apparently worked at the Cheyanne mountian zoo. Which is where we visited this summer when I went to visit my family in Texas & we all went to Colorado together. But before I got out of the car instead of my sister it was my husband driving me and I leaned over and kissed him goodbye but it felt awkward like I shouldn't have done that because I was mad at him. Then I got out and went to work and the rest was weird I don't really remember it, I talked to ppl about work stuff.

I have no idea what that dream was supposed to mean. I need another sign to tell me what the dream meant lol.

I just hate not having the answers, not knowing what to do or how to do it.