Why does it have to be so hard??

I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Just like a million different thoughts are buzzing around my head & I can't seem to focus. My stress is on high & I really just want to scream & shake it all off.



I have a huge focus problem. I feel like I have just been slipping down a mountain my whole life, grasping for something solid but not finding it.

I keep trying to get healthy, lose weight, exercise, get my life together and it feels like I just keep letting it slip through my fingers. I give up. idk why, I want it so badly. It is hard, ofcourse but it isn't too hard. I just feel so overwhelmed. I try to do it right, no perfectly, even though I know it can't be perfect. I just am afraid of failing. But how much sense does that make? To fail before you can fail...then you still fail. idk....

I worry about my diet. I try to eat healthy. But I worry about eating the right amount of calories, the right amount of carbs. I worry about not eating enough and then eating too much. Worry about eating the same thing everyday. Afraid I am not eating enough veggies, enough protein, too many carbs still, just not having balance. There is just so much thoughts and different ways to go about it and I just go into panic mode.

I worry about exercise. I want to be active. I want to run. But I worry that I am not doing things properly & will injure myself. Plus it hurts alot. My muscles fight with me every single step of the way & idk if this is ok, normal, bad & what to do about it??? I walk and I just want to collapse into a ball of pain. I don't understand. And it is not just after one walk, I am talking about doing it for weeks and weeks and still it is hard.

I watch shows like the biggest loser & read forums & it seems like it is so so so much easier for everyone else. On the biggest loser they were like 3 weeks in and ran a marathon, people who weigh more then me...I can't even run at all. I know it is a tv show & they have been working out a ton but it is the same on forums too where someone will come & like I started my diet today and ran... wth! I just feel like it seems so much easier for everyone else. Again I feel discouraged & I panic with if I am doing things right.

Then I am stressed because my marriage is just difficult. We have no money & it is stressful & difficult. My husband is stressed & taking it out on me alot. I feel like I have no freedom, like he suffocates me. It is just all too much.

I just wish it was easier. I will just keep pushing forward but I am scared. I feel so alone & lost. I know tomorrow will come and my focus will blur & I will have to fight to stay on track & fight to not panic & fight to just keep breathing. It doesn't feel fair.

I just want to find my footing. I am willing to climb my mountain and put in the work. I just don't want to have a path I guess. Not to feel like I am stumbling lost in the dark going in circles.

Day # 10 - Facing & understanding my fear/panic

Yay me! I went out for my walk today. Yesterday I might have hit a bump and let myself fall but today I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back out there!

I fished out my scarf and I think it helped quite a bit. It was still cold but I said just push through it. I realized that yesterday I just panicked. I have a panic disorder I should totally be used to this by now lol. I get nervous, scared, anxious, frustrated, etc... and I panic. I give up and run away because I just feel that overwhelming feelings and don't know how to deal with them. That is exactly what really happened yesterday. It was really really cold and I wasn't expecting that shock and it opened me up to negativity. It whispered that I couldn't do this over and over and then released the flood gates of winter and how I would walk in snow and ice and I panicked and turned around.

I am understanding it alot better I think. It is incredibly difficult to deal with it in that moment of panic, but if I set myself up with a strong bubble of perspective and energy I can push through it before it takes hold. idk if that makes sense lol But basically like today, I knew it was going to be cold, and so before I even left the house I prepared myself and  was like look you can do this, it is just alittle cold and you can push through it. So when I got out there and began to feel like all the negativity come up I was able to shoot it down right away.

I think that this is a VERY IMPORTANT step to not only understanding my panic attacks better but also helping to heal and stop them.

I honestly want to cry because I feel just so damn proud of myself. It might seem really silly but my panic attacks feels like they cripple me or a ball and chain keeping me tied down and held back. Doing an everyday task that millions of people do and think nothing of can stop me in my tracks as if I were facing my very worst fear.

So yay me. The walk wasn't that bad either. When I first started walking the wind was still coming right at me and I struggled to have a nice pace. I think the scarf really helped there. But on the street the park is on the wind was at my side and that made things way way easier and it wasn't bad at all. It was way darker then normal out, the sun was hiding lol. At the park the walking trail is slightly dipped down that helped with the wind and just the wind was what was really cold. And on the way home the wind was at my back.

But another yay- I upped my walking .25 miles. So I walked almost exactly 3 miles now a smidge of .0000 something more then 3 lol I figure next week I might up it .25 more or the next week depending.

** Diet wise I am still not finding my pace I guess. And it kindof has my stomach in knots, I think because half the time I am eating great and healthy and then I go off plan or binge a bit and it is giving my body whiplash lol

I really need to gather my focus there. I know it is all about babysteps to progress but this is not taking small steps it is more like only having one foot in. i don't have to be perfect, I don't only have to eat lettuce and pretend to be a bunny. But I MUST have the commitment and focus completely and truly if I want to succeed.

If you are not sticking to the path it is so easy to lose sight of it. So many times before when i would attempt to try again and fail because my heart wasn't in it.

**Today was also my weigh in and I gained 1.2lbs. I wasn't surprised because last week was very off for me. I am not even sad about it. And even if the scale isn't showing any progress I feel like my body is. I am beginning to feel the hint of a collarbone again. last time I lost weight like the first place I began to show was my collarbone and then shoulders. I loved it. I just kept running my hands over my bone lol. 

Anyways I feel great right now. I am riding a wave of confidence and pride which I hope to keep with me all day <3 a="a" also="also" amp="amp" an="an" and="and" candles="candles" cleaning="cleaning" do="do" for="for" have="have" i="i" in="in" is="is" make="make" moving="moving" of="of" order.="order." our="our" p="p" roommate="roommate" such="such" to="to" tomorrow="tomorrow" ton="ton">

Rock Bottom

I have heard that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. If that is the case then I think I am ready to start rising. last night was bad. Too bad to talk about. i can't see it as any worse and still being able to be here to write about it. Certainly my rock bottom.

I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.

Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.

The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...

But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.

I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.

But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.

I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.

But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.

Right now I am stacking up my little blocks of goodness and hope. I have my spirituality that I am striving to reconnect with. Tarot & praying and blogging about it (my witch blog)
I am taking better care of myself. Trying to find a good balance of small steps in the right direction there without getting too overwhelmed or not really trying either.
Mind, Body, Spirit- balance. If only my mind would get on track, no wonder I am pulling all swords lol


I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol

Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well.


I am also trying to find a job. It is a whole pyramid of a mess for me. I panic in little waves about each part of it. That I am a moron and didn't finish school and only truly worked one job & haven't worked in like what two years now so my application will look horrid. I panic on how I will get to work, because I don't drive and my DH's schedule sucks and so hopefully the one place I can walk to but the other I would have to take the bus and I have been too afraid to try taking the bus yet so I should try to do that first. Then I panic on how I will do if I even get an interview and omg have to talk to someone and they always ask stupid questions that there is no good answer for and I am not good at conversations and talking to people. Then ofcourse I panic about the jobs themselves and if I will suck.

Right now I am just panicking over the applications because i can't remember the years I worked eh and I have to come with with references when I don't know anyone....

But then I start to plan out this big thing in my head-
step 1 get my GED.
step 2 get my drivers permit, learn to drive, get license.
step 3 work on my panic attacks- getting out more, walking daily, being healthier, talking to strangers, ride the bus, etc...
step 4 get a job

but perhaps that is just an excuse, just trying to stall. It isn't like I can't do all of that while I look for a job.

Puzzle pieces

I feel like I am split into all these different little pieces. And as hard as I try I can't bring them all together. I set something up and find I am missing something else. So I work on that and something else gets left out. I strive for balance and I fall completely apart.

I feel just screwed up. A scattered mess. It is like I am walking this tightrope of sanity and everystep I tremble and shake and need to either catch myself or fall.

In the end I am just left wondering why it has to be so difficult. Why does every breath, every moment, every step need to feel so hard?? I wonder if it is like this for everyone? If so how do they do it? How do you get up everyday and face everything? Every single day you wake up and have to do it all over again but nothing is the same, nothing is safe. I have a new mess. An all new puzzle to piece together. But more often then not it feels like my puzzle is one of those annoyingly stupid ones of all blue sky. Where you can't tell heads from tails of what piece goes where. It just gives me a headache and I want to throw it all out the window.

I am feeling depressed. If you couldn't tell. The fact that I am writing this at 5am should say that I am still having sleeping issues.  I can't sleep. Those moments right before sleep comes are my worst fear. The quiet calmness of night, free from all the distractions lets my mind wonder into the bad thoughts that I dare not face.

Obviously it is because I am not facing my issues. I just cram them down and attempt to ignore them. it is not working that well. But in truth even if I wasn't afraid to face them I wouldn't know how. Some things you just can't change so what do you do? How do you let them be ok?


What is worst is that right now I am just bursting with light and happiness. If you were watching me or talking to me you would probably think I was doing amazing right now. But it is a lie. I wanna die. I feel even when I start to do well I am just faking it.


One of the things I really loved about this apartment when we first moved in was that it is pretty here and there are these nice benches outside. I look out the window almost everyday at those benches and think about going and sitting on them. Maybe sitting and reading or meditating. I have lived here since July and not once have I sat on them. idk why exactly. I guess someone may see me or worse talk to me. eek! But I can reason that neither of those is actually scary. It doesn't make any sense to me. Here once again I find myself split into pieces between wanting to do things and finding no reason not to and then the scared little girl who will fight at all costs not to do it. And the worst part is I don't even understand it. How can I ever expect anyone else to get it if I don't?

I wanna get a job so badly right now. I keep thinking about it so much. But I am terrified. I wanna get a bike and ride it but I think I am too scared to.

What kindof life is this? I lock myself in my apartment all day not talking to anyone? Everyday slipping farther away and getting worse? I hate it. and I hate myself for it. and I hate that if I dare mention it to anyone they just act like it is so easy. As if I can just do it. Just face it. I can't blame them really. I tell myself the same thing and then I go to take that step and I freeze. I can't breathe, I can't think. I lose my balance and fall.....

It really sucks. I just want to wake up and feel like everything is going to be alright. Like everything will come together and be ok. And now I need to wipe away my tears and calm down. Because my husband woke up to get ready for work and I have to pretend like everything is fine.... like I am not some nut job.

Me -1 Fear -0

So I already blogged today but after getting home from my walk I had more to say lol.

I had a plan today. I was going to walk down to subway which is a bit from my home, I haven't walked that far yet, and get lunch then walk to rite aid to pick up a few things then go home.

Well I was a nervous wreck going out the door. I like walking early in the morning before the world has woken up so so much more. Like I said before i live right on the main street and traffic is busy and it makes me feel all paniced and I hate it.

So I start walking & I wanted to call my mom but she was at work & my sis was busy driving. So I couldn't call them. The traffic was really bad and I began to have a panic attack. I literally had to stop twice and I was completely freaking out. I was like I can't do this. I won't make it. My legs are already hurting. And swoosh all the negativity began to fill me up- what was I thinking? I can't walk all the way to subway? etc...

I pushed just alittle bit further and decided to just hit riteaid and go home. Once I got into the store I was still a panic mess. I jumped into an aisle that no one was in and I actually cried alittle. So embarrassing. But shopping is a cure all. And as I looked around the store I relaxed and felt 100 times better.

I got some water too and when I checked out I just sat outside the store for a few minutes and contemplated the situation. Should I go home? Or should I continue on to subway? I decided to go on. Yay me! I made it too. I stopped at the dollar store right next to subway first to kindof cooldown then got food and turned around and went home.

It is kindof funny how I can be in such pain feel like I am gonna die but if I keep walking it seems to get easier. Like it doesn't really hurt but my muscles are just like screaming- omg you are crazy! We could be sitting at home on the couch stuffing our face. *cry* *cry* I don't wanna walk.
lol But then they give in and relax.

I ended up being out of the house walking and shopping for 3 hours!! Crazy. I feel so good and pumped right now too. Though I am very tired too lol.

Fear is really hard for me. I am sick, it is a panic disorder and everyday this is something I will have to deal with and face. But I am facing it and making strides towards being better. I am very happy!