Day #3- Girl On Fire

"Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down"
"Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes"

This Girl is on Fire!

I feel on fire today! I am just so pumped. I want to take on the world. Nothing can stop me!

I woke up this morning, got ready and went for my walk. At the start of my walk I kept thinking about the article I read yesterday- http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=3_labors_3_babies_50_miles and how she talked about the pain cave.

"Leading up to the race one of the things I was most excited about AND most fearful of encountering  was what's often referred to in ultra-sport as, the pain cave. In racing, it's a form of self-imposed suffering that you can choose to face head on or let it destroy you from the inside out. It's basically physical challenge at its max meeting mental challenge at its max. It's one of the main reasons I race--to put myself in the path of something challenging that will make me a better human and teach me something about life."

So many times I would start walking and feel pain, my muscles beggings, crying for me to stop. You get that inner voice saying just give up, you can't do this, you did good enough, etc... It is part physical but mostly mental. But my pain is not real pain. It is little girl whiny pain. It is lazy want to sit on my butt and do nothing pain.

I am not hurt or injured in any way. I keep walking through it and it goes away and I feel like I could keep walking forever lol. So it is just an illusion. I swear it is like dealing with a stubborn child, she will try everything in the book to get her way- lie to you, look up at you with big puppy dog eyes, and then throw a tantrum. But my job is to be firm and say NO and mean it. I have to be the mature adult and know that even with all the protesting in the world it really is NOT going to kill me.

So I kept thinking of her pain cave, how so many people can just push themselves beyond anything imaginable to me. I thought of other blogs I read where some of these women were so heavy or sick that they couldn't even walk at first but they did what they could and built up to it. It just amazes me and is such an inspiration.

It helps me to keep things in perspective. It would be like throwing a huge pity party fit over not being able to afford to go out to a really expensive restaurant when there are people all over the world who can't even afford bread.

So when I want to give in to that whiny child and think it is the end of the world I just need to stop & think if it is really bad or if I am just being a baby.


But my super happy dance moment is that I had put on my tracker a goal for 3 miles a week. How much did I walk? 8.98 miles!! WoW! I burned more calories then I was supposed to for the week as well.

I felt so amazing during my walk today. I wish I could bottle this feeling. I walk to the park then walked around the track there. After I finished walking my mile around the track I wanted to keep going but I am still getting back into exercise and knew I had to walk home and didn't want to push too far.

The only negative was that I really desperately need new shoes. My shoes are horrid and I think part of the pain comes from them. But sadly I just can't afford new ones in any way shape or form, even more so with it being so close to the holidays. I would ask for shoes for christmas but I would definitely want to try them on first and asking for shoes feels too awkward for me. Like I am too poor to buy my own shoes, which is true lol but shhh I don't want them to know that. I usually get some extra christmas money so maybe I will use that to buy new ones, I don't think my husband will like that because we usually use it for food & bills and such but hopefully I can get him to understand how badly I need shoes. Where is a fairy godmother when you need one?

Anyways I am off to do laundry what fun!

Song lyrics by Alicia Keys: Girl on Fire

Huge WOW moment

I haven't weighed in for quite a while (october) and ofcourse I was afraid of that mean scale lol but I actually am down a whole pound so yay!

The funny thing is though that as I went around and updated my new weight on the sites I am on and my tickers, I noticed something just far too lovely. 22 lbs lost 44 more to go. (technically it is 21.2 & 44.8 but the one site doesn't count the half pounds it rounds up lol)

It hit me like a brick. Full stop. Big WOW moment. I have lost 1/3. If I do this two more times that is it= GOAL!

I have lost 20lbs. I did that and no one can ever take that from me. It took some time and effort. It felt like I was going through hell some days. I tripped and fell and got back up to trip some more. But I did it. And not once but twice! Because I lost 20lbs then gained it back then lost it again. Even if right this second I gained it all back. I still lost it before- I did that. I had have that strength, courage, willpower and focus to do it. So much self doubt & fear and there it is proof that can stand up against anything that I am stronger then I think I am.

I can find a million reasons to tell myself how this is impossible and how I can not do it. But umm HELLO I can do it. I did do it. I just want to frame that on my wall in huge letters- 22 lbs lost 44 more to go & every single moment I want to give up just look at it and be like nope girl you can do it.


It is funny how such little things can be the biggest most meaninful wow moments.


I want to shout it from rooftops. I am so happy I can not stop smiling.

Life is good. I am horribly sick but I actually still feel good. I am still reading the spark book. Fitting in bits of reading here and there. I love it. I really can not recommend it enough. It is giving me such wonderful inspiration. 

One of the things I am reading right now is how it is the little things and that small accomplishments add up. It is like you want to take on the whole mountain and if you don't you are a failure when really every single hill you cross gets you closer and you still did and it is meaningful and something. Far better then sitting and doing nothing.

Me -1 Fear -0

So I already blogged today but after getting home from my walk I had more to say lol.

I had a plan today. I was going to walk down to subway which is a bit from my home, I haven't walked that far yet, and get lunch then walk to rite aid to pick up a few things then go home.

Well I was a nervous wreck going out the door. I like walking early in the morning before the world has woken up so so much more. Like I said before i live right on the main street and traffic is busy and it makes me feel all paniced and I hate it.

So I start walking & I wanted to call my mom but she was at work & my sis was busy driving. So I couldn't call them. The traffic was really bad and I began to have a panic attack. I literally had to stop twice and I was completely freaking out. I was like I can't do this. I won't make it. My legs are already hurting. And swoosh all the negativity began to fill me up- what was I thinking? I can't walk all the way to subway? etc...

I pushed just alittle bit further and decided to just hit riteaid and go home. Once I got into the store I was still a panic mess. I jumped into an aisle that no one was in and I actually cried alittle. So embarrassing. But shopping is a cure all. And as I looked around the store I relaxed and felt 100 times better.

I got some water too and when I checked out I just sat outside the store for a few minutes and contemplated the situation. Should I go home? Or should I continue on to subway? I decided to go on. Yay me! I made it too. I stopped at the dollar store right next to subway first to kindof cooldown then got food and turned around and went home.

It is kindof funny how I can be in such pain feel like I am gonna die but if I keep walking it seems to get easier. Like it doesn't really hurt but my muscles are just like screaming- omg you are crazy! We could be sitting at home on the couch stuffing our face. *cry* *cry* I don't wanna walk.
lol But then they give in and relax.

I ended up being out of the house walking and shopping for 3 hours!! Crazy. I feel so good and pumped right now too. Though I am very tired too lol.

Fear is really hard for me. I am sick, it is a panic disorder and everyday this is something I will have to deal with and face. But I am facing it and making strides towards being better. I am very happy!

The scale does not rule my journey

So Friday I was flipping out & worrying that the scale kept going up up up- it showed me at like 213.8 or something crazy like that. I was depressed and discouraged but I channeled that energy into something positive to try harder and be truly focused.

But today was my true weigh in day. I stepped up onto the scale still a bit upset and feeling like the scale was my worst enemy. And what happens? I am down. I lost weight! 211.6 lbs. The exact weight I was at the week before, last week I had gained .4lbs and this week I lost it again. Weirdness all around. But I lost so yay!

But that once again leaves me at .4 little bitty lbs away from having lost 20 lbs total so far. That is just pure motivation. I think what is really pushing me is that I have done this before. Last time I was doing really good and got to ONEderland and was 190-something. I felt amazing and looked good. I was no where near goal and still overweight but I looked and felt so much better & so much more confident. When I could feel my collar bone and the beginning to feel my ribs. I couldn't keep my hands off myself- which sounds very weird lol- but I would just run my hands all over the bones like omg this is new yay! I can just barely feel the hint of my collar bone now but it is there waiting to poke out.

I think it really helps me to stay focused. I am really close to where I was before and I can do this and I want it so badly.

On that note and along with alot of comments on my last blog- NSV (non scale victory). I have to remember that the scale is not the be all. Our bodies are complex moody things. Who taunt us with jumping up in weight then two days later jump back down farther. I don't understand it- water, sodium, muscles, weird cosmic energy waves- who knows?

I read the forums and I read blogs and it seems like a recurring issue for so many of us. Being ruled by the scale. So easy to throw everything else out the window if the scale stays something ugly. It is silly and we all know better but that number just taunts us.

I would love to say that it won't own my butt anymore but probably next week I will be right here crying over it again. lol

BUT... I won't let it be everything. I will remind myself of every little NSV. Because it is all of those little tiny things that add up and make it what it is.

I am only on my third week in and yet I feel amazing. I have energy and this light, I just feel like I shine. I am taking better care of myself and my cats and birds and my apartment. I am happier. Bad things happen and usually it would have left me crippled and now I am finding it so much easier to shake it off and recover. Before I would lay in bed every morning and not want to get up. I had nothing to care about. Now I am getting up at 6am excited to get outside in the beautiful morning and walk. That in itself is amazing.

I won't always be perfect. I will stumble, trip and fall on my face somedays. But I will also smile and laugh and feel amazing.

One yet another note- must watch my sodium because it can so easily go overboard and drink more water!

Oh and I am also very excited about some more cooking experience I am having. I super suck in the kitchen but slowly am working on improving. I found a great website- http://www.skinnytaste.com/ and I made for my husband last night potato soup. Real soup homemade from scratch. I mean never in my life could I imagine doing that before lol. It was completely easy and really no fuss at all but still it is just huge for me. I am very proud of myself. It was also healthy and really good. I made it just for him because it does not sound like something I would like at all- I am very picky. But I tasted it and it was delicious! So creamy and smooth- perfect comfort food. And had a ton of cauliflower in it but you couldn't even taste it. Crazy. Tonight I am going to make two recipes from that site. A Skinny Chicken Parmesan & Baked Zucchini Sticks. Yum! Zucchini is my favorite veggie so I can't wait. Very excited to see how well I can do it lol