Of Fragile Hearts & Minds....

I haven't written in awhile, even when things were feeling good and I wanted to write I didn't. When I write somehow the truth pours out so... Realizing only afterwards that I had recoiled into my pretend little ball of distraction. Letting myself have fluff focus on things that don't matter so that I could hide from everything that does. While at the same time making myself feel like everything is ok.

I feel completely insane. I feel like the walls are slipping away & I am in a furry to hold on to anything but at any moment I will lose any grip I had on reality.

I had gotten my sleep on track. yay! I was going to bed early, waking up early, and I felt great. On top of it the weather had shifted to a gentle warmth- I opened all the windows in my apartment, the sun, fresh air and a gentle breeze drifted in. Everything felt perfect.

I didn't take hold though. I was so happy on the outside but I wouldn't let it sink any deeper. For some reason i felt more fragile then ever. It makes sense in some way- like if you have this fragile glass vase you can pack it up and keep it protected but if you have it out and about it will surely be broken. I think that is the logic that was filling my head, that everything felt too perfect and in any moment it would all break.

So apparently now even when things are good I worry about the bad.... Did I mention that I felt insane??

But it faded all away. Even worse all at once. My husband had a week off for vacation. he didn't get to follow all his plans because he had a horrid tooth ache issue. Him being home all day everyday and in a mess of cranky pain set my stress to high. The weather changed from lovely spring to hot very fast not letting us adjust hitting 79 in my apartment & felt stuffy with like no breeze I wanted to melt. DH wanted to turn on the AC but I wanted the windows open so badly. Then poof the weather was back to cold. Rainy and freezing had to turn the heater back on. And slowly I let my sleep schedule lose itself, having DH home made it more difficult to go to bed early instead staying up doing stuff with him until i was going to bed at 2-3am.

MY husband being home wasn't as bad as it could have been. We didn't fight all too much. But it awoken many things in me that I wasn't completely aware of. I am very lonely. Like to the point that it just hurts. I can go my whole day without talking to anyone but my pets and I am not crazy enough yet to think they make good conversation lol. I barely talk to my family on the phone- they all live far far away- but I dont call or text because I have nothing to say. Nothing in my life is ok and I don't want to talk about the bad (a bit hard to pretend it isnt there if I talk about it I guess). So I just don't call. I don't work and I don't know anyone. I have no friends at all.

And when the DH is home it is actually worse. Because he ignores me. Not on purpose but he just is kindof in his own world doing his own things and wanting to do what he wants that maybe he doesnt think of me. IDK we dont talk and if we do it is to fight.But we both play this game online and he will be doing things with all these other people and won't ever invite me along. The other day I was practically begging him to do stuff together in the game- run my new low lvl alt through stuff and he wouldn't. He said he didn't want to. And then two days later he bent heaven and earth to run a friend in game through stuff nonstop to gear him up and didn't ask me to go even.

It is just a game and it is stupid but I know that it does matter too because of the underlying issues. That I am lonely and I just want attention. I find I don't even know how to deal with it, I am not good with communication or dealing with people and I dont quite get these feelings or what to do with them. I will just resort to childish tantrums for any type of attention. On consciously but afterwards I realize how stupid I was being.

IDK what to do.


On the physically healthy side I am also an equal mess. When I was in that window of perfection I actually had eaten better then I was before but not great. And then this week I had decided I would do amazing and bought all good stuff. But instead I ate fastfood and binged in a horrid mess of pity party sadness.


I just feel so fragile. Weak and broken. Just this pile of nothing on the floor that everyone would just step around or over and ignore because I am not worth their time. Everyone talks about all this motivation and strength and courage and hope etc... but how do you summon that energy when this is all you feel like?
I felt like this empty vessel but I keep filling myself up with this negativity and pain, sadness, self hate. And I can't fit any sort of goodness into it until I empty some of that out. And sometimes I start to slowly just alittle bit and it takes every bit of energy and strength I can find to do it. But then I fall and so easily the bad stuff comes in flooding me.

How do you fight that?? When the bad is so easy that it just openly flows and yet the good you have to fight and struggle with everything in you just for a drop?

It makes it feel like it isn't even worth it.

And then someone will say- it is worth it in the end. But what if that never comes? What if I can never do it? What if everyday is this same struggle of me trying and failing? I don't think I can keep doing that....

It makes me want to just die this second, let it all go away. Maybe then I can have peace.

I won't. No. I will just throw myself back out there once again. But i don't think I have any hope left. Because just like I said when I started writing this post, I am always waiting to fail. I think of myself as too fragile. And even if right now I am ok tomorrow I will fall and lay broken on the floor. I am just waiting until one day when its finally too much and I can't get back up.

Laziness

I am not really lazy. I know some may disagree with that (pfft lol) but I really am not. I am not saying I do not have my lazy days ~ we all do. But my real problem is not being lazy.

My real problem is focus. I have two big issues. I am so easily distracted. I can make the best plans, have everything layed out and be more then willing to put in the effort and be ready to do it. But then it's like "ooo something shiny" and I am distracted and before I know it 4 hours have gone by.

The other issue which goes along with focus still is that I can be easily overwhelmed. I plan too big without enough wiggle room. I set my sights on the mountain instead of the hill. Sometimes it is ok to go for the mountain but you have to be ready for that part. You can't skip steps 1-9.I turn into this unfocused mess where my mind just bounces around until it all is just spinning. I panic and curl into alittle ball.

 This isn't news to me. I can define my issues very well. The problem lies in solving them. I have learned time and time again that if I want to get things done I MUST have a definite plan- if it is too lax I will be too distracted or not knowing what to do. I must also not plan to do everything at once. It is like I pick a day and say today I will do every single thing perfect! umm no that just isn't possible. It is ok to keep the mountain as a goal but you need to take the baby steps to get there. Each hill in your way you have to cross first. I don't get to have some super human leap a mountain thing.


On the flip side I have come to realize that my husband is lazy. It is probably a huge issue that leads us to many fights. He has very little motivation and just doesn't want to put in any effort. I know I have ranted before about cleaning issues. It really bugs me to no end. I can not stand messes and clutter. My mood is just too sensitive and if my house is a mess it just like drags me right down with it. And once things are trashed that whole overwhelming thing takes over and I can't get it done. I know that makes zero sense to some. But it is like the dishes. I can wash a sink full of dishes but if I let them pile up I panic- I don't see it as just dirty dishes it is like a huge mountain of dishes that there is no way in the world I can get through it all. I know that sounds silly. And I have been working through that little issue & getting way better. I keep my house very clean now.

But it is like DH will have a trash can right next to his desk and I look over and his desk is covered in trash. How does that make any sense? I ask him to please put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. We have a hamper in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. And yet instead of putting them in either he leaves them on the floor. There is a pile of dirty clothes of his on my bedroom floor 2 feet from the empty basket.... seriously! And he leaves dishes in the bedroom all the time. I will do dishes then notice I missed all the silverware covering his desk. And like the other day he was like we need to buy more bowls because all the ones we had right then were dirty or in the fridge with leftovers. We have 6 bowls more then enough for 2 ppl. I was like hell no. If you want to use a bowl wash it. I am the one who does the dishes and I am not washing a huge pile of dishes because you do not want to wash one that happens to be dirty. bleh

I kindof blame his parents for this. I mean yeah he is an adult but I think cleaning is one thing that you gotta start kids young with to develop those habits. I somewhat did. My mom just was very lax, if it is dirty clean it up doesn't need to be a whole issue lol but she didn't wait on us. If a dish was dirty we would have washed it. If we were hungry we would have cooked something. His mom did too much for him. She wouldn't just do his laundry but fold it and put it away too. I am not saying anything bad towards them- I love his family, But I wish they would have kicked his ass a bit more lol :)

And it is just not with cleaning. I pay all the bills. Because when he was in charge of it things would not get payed on time. If distracted crazy me can keep track and pay them all on time then you know he has to have some serious problems lol. Anything that needs to be done he will procrastinate it and have no effort or will to even care to get it done.

It is just the entire opposite of me. My virgoness is straight on for that. They say virgos are perfectionists.



This wasnt all supposed to be a rant on the DH lol. I just am annoyed and needed to release some steam there. I am going to start everything back up this next week. Starting Friday. Eating better, exercising and with the daily rituals. I am going to go slow. Starting off with a few days a week. and I just have to do the rituals. I am also going to plan a meal once a week so I will be cooking again- yay me :)

I just wanna keep waiting until things are perfect. and i have to remind myself things wont ever be. Yeah my mood sucks and I wanna bury all my stress into junk food and doing nothing but whining but that is not going to help and it won't make me feel better. Its always difficult with food. I go shopping on DHs days off. And we fight and then I go shopping and my plans go out the window and I buy crap because it feels like a safety blanket. but I eat it and feel like crap and it starts this same nasty cycle. I have been eating so so badly. I cupcakes(i did eat them without frosting-do I get points for that?) and brownies and icecream and so much pasta. I have had headaches and been dizzy & the black mold is back in the toilet like extra crazy lots of it- which happens when diabetics don't take care of themselves and they pee an extra lot and all that extra sugar comes out and the mold grows. For real how nasty is that? I just feel like somedays I am trying to kill myself a really horrible slow death.

But I will do better. I have to.

Whispers of a balance

Mind, Body, Soul.

I believe real happiness comes from these things being in balance. and I am striving to find that place. I think meditation is a big one for me. My mind can be so scattered, so stressed. I love to meditate. If you have never meditated before it is hard to put into words how it feels.

I am trying to meditate and pray everyday. I want to have that connection. And I know in all truth that it will help me immensely with the panic attacks and pain and the depression.

For my body it is a work in progress to get started...I am exercising again after a million excuses that kept putting it off.

Tomorrow will be better is all I can say.

Weigh in day- Must get focused

Exercise:
Wii Yoga & strength 40 mins
My fitness Coach 30 mins
Food Tracker: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F23%2F2011


Today was my weigh in day. I lost .6lbs this week. Not great but any weight is still good progress so yay!

I was abit worried I wasn't going to lose because I didn't have the best week. I ate fatty hamburgers two days in a row. I didn't exercise on most of the days. So really I should be happier about that .6lbs!

My wonderful DH screws me up big time lol. I don't want to blame him because blah blah I know I make my own choices. But it is alot harder for me on his days off. He throws off my schedule horribly. And there is alot of stress there. It pretty much makes me sad. Part of me is like if it was someone else I would give advice that your husband should be there to lift you up not pull you down. He should help to bring out your best not your worst.

So I am just a bit depressed there and it sure doesn't make this change any easier.

Anyways on a much lighter note... I tried flaxseed. I had like no clue where to look for it at the store but I was looking in the cereal aisle for oatmeal. Which I am totally sad because I love Kashi Vanilla Oatmeal and they don't sell it there anymore sigh. Anyways though by the healthy cereals they had a bag of wild roots flaxseed. I was afraid to try it lol But I put some in my smoothie and in my oatmeal. Didn't seem to change the flavor or anything.

I just really want to get myself on track and focused. Right now it feels like I have one foot in and one foot out. Just going back and forth of how much energy I put forward, how hard I try, etc... Some days I am doing really good and then others I just like surrender.  I just need to pull it together.