Laziness

I am not really lazy. I know some may disagree with that (pfft lol) but I really am not. I am not saying I do not have my lazy days ~ we all do. But my real problem is not being lazy.

My real problem is focus. I have two big issues. I am so easily distracted. I can make the best plans, have everything layed out and be more then willing to put in the effort and be ready to do it. But then it's like "ooo something shiny" and I am distracted and before I know it 4 hours have gone by.

The other issue which goes along with focus still is that I can be easily overwhelmed. I plan too big without enough wiggle room. I set my sights on the mountain instead of the hill. Sometimes it is ok to go for the mountain but you have to be ready for that part. You can't skip steps 1-9.I turn into this unfocused mess where my mind just bounces around until it all is just spinning. I panic and curl into alittle ball.

 This isn't news to me. I can define my issues very well. The problem lies in solving them. I have learned time and time again that if I want to get things done I MUST have a definite plan- if it is too lax I will be too distracted or not knowing what to do. I must also not plan to do everything at once. It is like I pick a day and say today I will do every single thing perfect! umm no that just isn't possible. It is ok to keep the mountain as a goal but you need to take the baby steps to get there. Each hill in your way you have to cross first. I don't get to have some super human leap a mountain thing.


On the flip side I have come to realize that my husband is lazy. It is probably a huge issue that leads us to many fights. He has very little motivation and just doesn't want to put in any effort. I know I have ranted before about cleaning issues. It really bugs me to no end. I can not stand messes and clutter. My mood is just too sensitive and if my house is a mess it just like drags me right down with it. And once things are trashed that whole overwhelming thing takes over and I can't get it done. I know that makes zero sense to some. But it is like the dishes. I can wash a sink full of dishes but if I let them pile up I panic- I don't see it as just dirty dishes it is like a huge mountain of dishes that there is no way in the world I can get through it all. I know that sounds silly. And I have been working through that little issue & getting way better. I keep my house very clean now.

But it is like DH will have a trash can right next to his desk and I look over and his desk is covered in trash. How does that make any sense? I ask him to please put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. We have a hamper in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. And yet instead of putting them in either he leaves them on the floor. There is a pile of dirty clothes of his on my bedroom floor 2 feet from the empty basket.... seriously! And he leaves dishes in the bedroom all the time. I will do dishes then notice I missed all the silverware covering his desk. And like the other day he was like we need to buy more bowls because all the ones we had right then were dirty or in the fridge with leftovers. We have 6 bowls more then enough for 2 ppl. I was like hell no. If you want to use a bowl wash it. I am the one who does the dishes and I am not washing a huge pile of dishes because you do not want to wash one that happens to be dirty. bleh

I kindof blame his parents for this. I mean yeah he is an adult but I think cleaning is one thing that you gotta start kids young with to develop those habits. I somewhat did. My mom just was very lax, if it is dirty clean it up doesn't need to be a whole issue lol but she didn't wait on us. If a dish was dirty we would have washed it. If we were hungry we would have cooked something. His mom did too much for him. She wouldn't just do his laundry but fold it and put it away too. I am not saying anything bad towards them- I love his family, But I wish they would have kicked his ass a bit more lol :)

And it is just not with cleaning. I pay all the bills. Because when he was in charge of it things would not get payed on time. If distracted crazy me can keep track and pay them all on time then you know he has to have some serious problems lol. Anything that needs to be done he will procrastinate it and have no effort or will to even care to get it done.

It is just the entire opposite of me. My virgoness is straight on for that. They say virgos are perfectionists.



This wasnt all supposed to be a rant on the DH lol. I just am annoyed and needed to release some steam there. I am going to start everything back up this next week. Starting Friday. Eating better, exercising and with the daily rituals. I am going to go slow. Starting off with a few days a week. and I just have to do the rituals. I am also going to plan a meal once a week so I will be cooking again- yay me :)

I just wanna keep waiting until things are perfect. and i have to remind myself things wont ever be. Yeah my mood sucks and I wanna bury all my stress into junk food and doing nothing but whining but that is not going to help and it won't make me feel better. Its always difficult with food. I go shopping on DHs days off. And we fight and then I go shopping and my plans go out the window and I buy crap because it feels like a safety blanket. but I eat it and feel like crap and it starts this same nasty cycle. I have been eating so so badly. I cupcakes(i did eat them without frosting-do I get points for that?) and brownies and icecream and so much pasta. I have had headaches and been dizzy & the black mold is back in the toilet like extra crazy lots of it- which happens when diabetics don't take care of themselves and they pee an extra lot and all that extra sugar comes out and the mold grows. For real how nasty is that? I just feel like somedays I am trying to kill myself a really horrible slow death.

But I will do better. I have to.

Rant Day

I just need to rant today. To scream & let it all out of me before it eats me alive from the inside out.

So we moved. My husband was transferred through his job to a different store in another city about 2 + hours away from where we lived. We were given 3 weeks notice about the move...& for about a week and a half of that time I was in Texas visiting my family.

It has been insanely stressful. Trying to find an apartment with limited time that is within his new job's range, within our budget & that allows cats is just alot of stressful work. Not only that but I had to do it from another city & work around my husband's work schedule to be able to drive down and see the apartment. We ended up seeing the apartment and getting it within just a few days. The DH started his new job on the 2nd & we didn't get the keys/sign the paperwork or know our new address even until the 1st...

He stayed at the new place alone for 4 days before he came and got me. One of the big problems with moving so quickly like that is that we didn't have an address to set up gas, electric or cable/internet. So we went 11 days without hot water! And just got our furniture at the same day/time they hooked up our cable on the 14th. Not having hot water is insane. You just take it for granted that you can turn on the faucet and have hot water whenever you need it. I could not take a pure cold water shower. It was way way too cold to even have the water touch ya for more then a moment. I tried sponge bathing it with a wash cloth but then I had to wash my hair finally & I have the thickest hair ever. it takes me forever to wash it. I have to spend a good amount of time trying to get the shampoo out. So I knew this would not be fun lol. I just tried to do it in the bathtub and I think I almost caught hypothermia lol. I was hand shaking - teeth chattering cold. It was NOT fun.

And to make matters worse we do not have AC. And yes I am super pissed. When we came to look at the apartment I specifically asked her if the apartment had AC & she said yes. Turns out though it is broken and doesn't work. Lovely. So it has been super hot our apartment has been like 85-90 degrees. & so we would have loved to just jump in a cool shower but not a just ice cold one lol

On top of all that we didn't have most of our stuff or furniture here with us for two weeks. All we had was a handful of dishes, our most needed bathroom stuff, some clothes, our computers, and an air mattress. We were very bored alot lol. We had games to play on the computers & could watch a handful of movies we had on them. IDK it is usually nice but it seemed when that was all you could do it got boring still lol. Not so much for me I played the sims alot, wrote stuff, and read. But DH was super bored. he had all his games here a huge pile and didn't want to play them pfft lol

The air mattress sucked badly. Perhaps the cats poked a hole in it idk. But it kept losing air. Not like go flat but just enough air to make it feel like a waterbed. Any slight movement made the other person fly around. I almost flew off the bed several times when he would get up lol. We also do not have any curtains or blinds yet. We have to get our own curtain rods and haven;t yet (because my husband is a moron) So it is very bright in the early morning & even at night there are alot of lights outside on the building. We are used to thick black curtains in our old place lol. Overall being in a new place, trying to adjust to the new sounds, dealing with the lights & sleeping on a horrid air mattress made it a bad nights sleep every night. I would wake up every other hour :(

But luckily alot of that is now over with. We have hot water now yay! We got our furniture here, I still have to unpack but thats not too bad. And now obviously we have tv & internet!

But it has been very stressful. Just all that adding up with the extra stress has us on edge for sure. One thing that I am really wanting is to keep this new place clean and organized. Our last place was so so tiny only 550 square feet which is just not enough room for 2 people a ton of furniture and cats & birds. It felt like everything was piled ontop of everything else. All of the stuff in our living room was kindof pushed together so we had a pathway to walk. It was just so cluttered that it made me very stressed. But our new place is huge compared to that. We have 2 bedrooms & more space then we will know what to do with.It just gives me this awww type of moment where I can now declutter and put things out.

My old apartment was never like trashed, I kept it picked up. But I realized during packing that I could have done much better keeping it clean. Like eh move the furniture and clean behind it every now and then lol. It was alot harder there with it all so cramped so now I shouldn't have that problem. I really want to keep this place super clean. I have come to realize that with the cats/birds I just have to vacuum every single day & I need to dust every day. There is just no way around that.

But this all brings me to another issue of stress for me - my husband is a slob. I will clean the house perfectly, everything will be lovely. And as soon as he comes home it is like a tornado blew through leaving a mess in its path. He takes his shoes off in the middle of the floor in front of the door. Never mind that right smack to the right of the door is the nice tile floor where I put our shoes. He would literally have to step one foot over to place them there. Next he takes off his clothes from work and throws them whereever around the living room. Sometimes in one pile, often in a trail across the room. Seriously it isn't like we live in a mansion where you need to put the dirty laundry in another wing of the house. You are probably already headed to the bathroom right when u get home so just pick up the damn clothes and put them in the hamper. Then is the mess in the bathroom- where he doesn't know how to close the shower curtain, we have everything nicely organized along the sink. I use something I put it right back in its spot- easy. He uses something and just sticks it in the middle. Is it really so hard to stick it right back in its spot? And why does he need like 2 washclothes that he leaves soppy and dirty on the sink?

But worst of all is his desk. Within ONE day it will become a huge pile of junk, trash and dirty dishes. I had to put a trashcan right by his desk because he wouldn't get up to throw stuff away. and yet still there will be a pile of dirty tissues and other trash on his desk. and omg do not think that he will actually empty the trash! If I don;t after a while of it being overly full he might take the bag out and set it next to the door. So then our cats can chew a hole in it.... He will set all his papers everywhere on his desk mixed in with the trash so you can't find anything ever. We have had fights where I would get sick of it and pick it up and then he would need something and couldn't find it. But seriously- you can't find anything in that mess anyways. Finally I just got a box and throw all the papers in it. I don't throw any of it away. I hate it but atleast it isn't a mess lol.

I think the worst though is the dirty dishes. I will go to do dishes and have to go out there and check his desk every time because he will have 2 spoons and 4 forks and a cup and maybe even a small pan or plate there. He is the worst with the silverware. There have been times where we have like ran out of forks. I will only be able to find one & then go check under his pile of trash on his desk and find them all. What makes me so mad is that in our old apartment our kitchen was literally smack around the corner from his desk. He could have not even walked just stood up and leaned and been able to toss them into the sink.

I understand he works and I do not. So I don't mind be the sole house cleaner because of that. I will do all the laundry. I will do all the dishes. I will clean the litterboxes, mop & vacuum, & dust, etc... but pick up after your damn self. It doesn't make me your slave. There is no excuse to be a lazy slob and not have any consideration towards me or respect for me or for where we live. It is like one day I am just gonna snap and they will find his dead body stabbed with a dozen forks.

But that isn't all we have been fighting about either. I am a bit sad. I just want nice things. I don't care that we live in an apartment rather then a mansion. But I think we should still try to make it nice. You live here, you are here most of the time, it should look nice. Alot of stress can come from your surroundings. I wanted to get some things, maybe a few pretty little decorations, I want a bookshelf or two, another small table, some of those plastic dresser things to keep all of our papers in for the office & I really really wanted to get rid of our couch and buy a cute little futon instead. I wasn't talking about doing all of this at once. Space it out as we can afford it. We do have the money to use like $20-30 here or there.

 But no he has to be a huge ass about it all. He told me before we moved that we could get rid of the couch and get the futon and now he is saying no. It is $150 which is not bad at all. But he is like it is too much money and I would rather get other things. He wants a flat screen tv when we already have a huge perfect condition tv now. I can not understand the rationale there.

Which brings me to the real issue is my freedom. The first day I was here it was super hot, I was very bored, my husband had to open the next day so had to get up at like 5:30am. We didn't have any food here except for some blueberry muffins I got to bring with us for breakfast. We were meeting with the landlady that morning then after I figured we would go shopping. We ended up not going shopping until like after 9pm. & the entire time in the store he bitched at me to hurry it up because he had to get to bed to get up early. umm hello if we had went when I wanted to we wouldn't have this problem....

I swear sometimes it makes me feel like he will refuse to go shopping just to hold it over me. I can't drive. I am at his whim & under his control. If he doesn't want to go, we don't go. He never takes my situation or feelings into consideration ever.

I am not even saying we have to go right when I want to either. But give me an idea here. Make a plan. It isn't fair to me to say we will go sometime and have me sitting here waiting to go all day long and then when you are ready I have to jump up and stop what I am doing and go.

Things like this is what we fight about the most. My lack of control just kills me. It leaves me feeling not like an equal partner at all. I just have to get my license. ASAP. Being able to drive will relieve so much stress from me. I will go to the store went I want. I will go whereever I want whenever I want. I can go shopping in peace and just buy whatever I want to without having to ask him for every penny.

So there is my stressful rant. I don't know if I feel any better or not lol. But I have to go start to unpack now. Trying to figure out which room I want to tackle first lol