Day #9 Winter's Casualty

I am not off to a good start today at all. I didn't want to get up this morning at all but I did about 20 mins later then usual. I got ready and even cleaned the litterboxes and took out the trash so I thought I was pushing forward.

But then it all went to hell. As I was getting ready I could hear the wind howling outside, it was nasty out. But I figured it would be fine and left for my walk. It was freezing out but the worst was that wind. I only have one direction I can walk from where I live and that was directly into the wind...

I wear super comfy warm pants and then a shirt and my hoodie and gloves. It wasn't horrible in that but my ears felt like they would fall right off. I put my hood up on my hoodie but the wind was so bad it wouldn't stay up & the wind still got inside anyways. I need a hat or ear muffs for sure if I am going to walk. I asked for this really adorable hat for christmas and I hope I get it, if not I might just need to get it myself. But until then? Maybe I can just grab some cheapy earmuffs.

So yeah I started walking fussed with my hood a bunch and then got frustrated and turned around and came home really really soon. Like so soon that it wasn't worth tracking IMO. :(

It was really cold but at the same time I feel like it was just an excuse. And what is worse is that I can't even trust myself to know the difference. Was it too cold or could I have just toughed it out and pushed forward? idk...

But all wasn't lost I figured I would come home and do some wii stuff, the wii remote is dead ugh so I am charging it now. So Hopefully I follow through and atleast do that for today.

But what about tomorrow? I live in NY, the weather is going to be getting pretty nasty out. What am I supposed to do when the ground is covered in snow and ice? I don't even live in a good area that will be nicely plowed prob and I always slip on ice :(

How I wish I could join a gym and I guess also drive....lol

I can work out indoors. I have videos and my wii but with the friend moving in it kindof makes this wonky. Everything is in the living room and I don't even feel comfortable/confident enough to workout in front of the DH so no way that is going to fly. I guess it all depends on his work schedule. I can always just do the walking routine in my bedroom. I also read something about my cable dvd having exercise videos on demand maybe I can find out how to find them lol



** I also joined a challenge to help keep me on track.
Goal By Summer (June 1st) Challenge

By june 1st my goal is to hit 165lbs. so about 43lbs ish.
from Dec 1st to June 1st is 26 weeks. If I lost 1.5lbs a week it would be 39lbs. But I think I could lose 2lbs a few of those weeks.

165lbs is my BIG goal right now. I want to hit 165lbs as it would put me right at the normal bmi mark. Once I hit 165 I would reevaluate my goal and see how much more I want to lose.

My insanely skinny girl side would love a weight of 125lbs. Which would be very small lol I doubt I could ever hit that.
I think I would love to be prob about 140lbs give or take. It is so hard to tell with numbers because everyone is shaped differently. For sure I want to be in the single digits when it comes to clothing sizes. A size 8 could make me very happy.

I was thinking about it earlier that by NEXT Christmas I would totally be at my true goal and maintenance. 

Cats remind me not to take myself too seriously

I love my cats. I am a huge cat lover & ofcourse I have the greatest cats in the entire world! Kye who is my baby, loves to remind me why every chance he gets.

The last few days I have been doing pretty good staying on routine. A few slips here or there but pretty much on track all the way! So every morning after my walk I stretch, do some yoga and meditate. And every morning Kye attempts to interrupt this.

I am sitting on the floor meditating and here he comes standing smack in front of me staring at me and just meowing so loudly. Then he headbutts me. Meow, headbutt, lick my hand, repeat. lol I open an eye and peak at him and he pushes his head forward at me and meows again.

Perhaps he is against inner enlightenment? lol Or he is thinking- "why are you just sitting there doing nothing when you could be petting me?" though more then likely he thinks me being on the floor equals kitty love time lol.

All I can do is smile though. It is a nice reminder not to take myself too seriously. That perfection is a silly notion and sometimes I just need to smile and pet a cat. Though trying to hold a yoga pose while he is doing it is not so easy!


Anyways I am exhausted, a million times over. I have been nonstop cleaning and rearranging everything in my apartment and am close to finished but still have an insane amount more to do. I knew it was dirty and it would be a big job but wow didn't imagine this.

I am doing a spring clean type of situation. My husband's friend is moving in the 26/27th so I need to not only clean but also rearrange everything so that all the crap from one room fits somewhere around the rest of the apartment. I feel like I am playing tetris. We have alot of crap lol

I mostly blame my husband lol He is a huge packrat. He wants to keep everything. I hate it. I was joking with my sister that if I left him alone for a year I would come back and it would be something out of hoarders lol He would probably build a labyrinth out of bottle caps (for some nutty reason he can never throw them away i end up findign them all and tossing them ugh). He didn't find that amusing lol

On a positive note everything will be clean and actually organized. So much clutter. We never have enough space so things end up just getting shoved places and I hate that. So this is a good chance to clear out alot of crap. I have thrown alot away. And I have sworn that I would keep stuff clutter free.

All this work has just been wearing me out hardcore. I went from not doing anything to working like nonstop all day & on top of that working out. It should be lovely on the weightloss front, though my diet has not been good this week. I was not going to flat out start the diet until next week. I know putting it off is silly or even dumb somewhat but I am too poor and was not going to waste all that food. But I did act smart and didn't binge out and payed attention to portions somewhat and how I am eating. That is a plus. Next week I go shopping and will have a fresh start in the kitchen. yay

It also doesn't help that my sleep has been all kinds of weird. I have been having really weird vivid bad dreams. I also keep waking up at 4am having to pee like mad lol. Then I try to go back to sleep and the last few days I haven't been able to until today. Where i did fall back to sleep and slept till 8. But before that I would lay in bed tossing and turning trying to get back to sleep until my husband got up at 5;30 for work then I would get up too.

So then since I woke up so early and after all the work I did all day I would be about passed out at 4pm & usually asleep by 7 or so lol which is so weird for me.


GOAL Reward: Last year sometime when I was back on track trying again... I made a promise that once I hit under 200lbs I would dye my hair pink. Today i went to get normal hair dye and saw they had dye kits for purple, blue or pink and instantly remembered. Right now I am a bit over 206 lbs, and I think I will still do that once I hit ONEderland! Maybe go purple instead of pink though idk yet lol I can't believe I am sooo close. I also tried on my size 18 jeans which i fit into when i first lost the weight and I can button them! I wouldn't wear them because they are far too tight a fit and it would give me major muffin top issues and I might not be able to sit down lol. But I am sooo close!!

I can do it!!!

And out of the darkness she shines...

I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up.

I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.

IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.

I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.

I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.

That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol

I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">

On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.

On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(

On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.

He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...


Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay

My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies

My Plan:

Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength

Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem: 
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.

I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.

2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/

 

 

 

With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol

No more Far less processed crap! I want to cook and eat real fresh food. I have some good recipe sites and I follow two blogs that I am madly in love with:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/

I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!

I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.

So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.



On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.

I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.

I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.

Tomorrow I will....

I say it so often it might as well be my catchphrase. Sigh, it is really not the right moment, life is kindof crazy, I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm depressed, etc... so tomorrow I will do it instead.

But that tomorrow never seems to come does it?

Lately getting back on track has been in my mind alot. I make some plans or say I will stop doing X and start doing Y but things do not fit in perfectly or I feel bleh and blow it off. Swear to myself that I will start tomorrow. It never happens though, because the next day isn't perfect either and I don't feel like it and say once again tomorrow it will happen.

Yet I do honestly know that there will never be some perfect time to start, my stars are not going to align and make it some smooth easy transition. I'm never going to feel good until I start doing things to make myself feel good.

It is hard. It feels so difficult to get traction. I feel like I am standing at the base of a mountain looking up and feeling so intimidated and overwhelmed and even though I want the reward waiting at the top a huge part of me is like ya know it is awfully comfy and feels safe down here why bother?

It just sucks.

I remember the quote - A year from now you will be glad you started today.

How right that is. I promised myself, swore up and down that by 30 I would have it right. I would be healthy and skinny and happy and have a grip on life. And here it is July, with the days/weeks whizzing by and I turn 30 this September. There is no time left to hit my goal.

I just want to cry and mourn for all the time wasted and lost. I want so bad to be able to go back and do it right and not keep putting it off. But I can't go back and mourning for what I lost doesn't help other then make me feel like crap.

I have to finally face tomorrow. Just do it.
It will be hard. I will probably have tear filled moments and times of pain and not wanting to do it and have to fight myself to do it. But I want so badly to be sitting in July 2013 and looking back and saying yes I said I would and I did it. I really did it.

Here I am not in any way shape or form ready but knowing I have to do it and that I want to do it deep down. I will do it. I am stronger then I think I am. I am in control of my path and it is time to climb that mountain.

Todays Weigh In 4/22

Well lately things have been up & down. Some positive things along with some more negative things.

First the negative to get it out of the way lol. I haven't really been paying alot of attention to my diet or exercise. I am very unfocused and not really trying much. I also ordered pizza & had an argument with myself over it and had some guilt, anger, negativity spawn from that. But I can acknowledge this and improve! This is a new week and I can do better.

On the positive side there is alot! First woohoo! I lost 1.8lbs this week. & that was with not doing great with the diet or exercise so yay there.

I have also been way less stressed out. I am really reconnecting with my spirituality and learning to be more positive. I tell myself everyday good, positive, affirmations. And whenever the negativity begins to creep in I drown it out with the positive. Even if all I can do is say over and over that I am loved.

I am beginning to realize the negativity and pay attention to how it is and when it pops up. I would berate myself and put myself down so much. And now when those thoughts begin I can see that I am just being negative and stop them.

It isn't all fixed and it is all still a struggle but I am headed in the right direction and I feel good.

I have also tried greek yogurt finally. I kept wanting to but put it off- new things are scary lol. It kindof reminds me in look, texture? of Sour cream. I hate sour cream. Like just the thought of it is just eww. I don't want to touch it even lol. IDK why...I am just weird. So it kindof freaked my mind out lol but it was really yummy actually. So yay!

On that same note of my weirdness, I had been craving hard boiled eggs & egg salad lately. Probably because of Easter & i didn't get any eggs during all of easter so that sucked. So last night I attempted to make egg salad. First off I hate making eggs, I always feel that I won't cook them well enough. Also I hate mayonnaise. Not just hate it I loathe it and do not even want to be in the same room as it lol. The smell, the look, it just makes me nauseous. Again yes I am a weird person lol.

But knowing that I am uncomfortable making eggs, and that I hate mayo why or why did I want to make egg salad??

No it didn't turn out well lol. It wasn't horrid either but I won't do that again lol.

Anyways- I am reaffirming my goals:

• Meditate daily
• pay attention to what I eat
• focus on smaller portions/eat slower
• eat fruits & veggies daily- with every meal
• exercise!

Rock Bottom

I have heard that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. If that is the case then I think I am ready to start rising. last night was bad. Too bad to talk about. i can't see it as any worse and still being able to be here to write about it. Certainly my rock bottom.

I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.

Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.

The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...

But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.

I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.

But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.

I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.

But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.

Right now I am stacking up my little blocks of goodness and hope. I have my spirituality that I am striving to reconnect with. Tarot & praying and blogging about it (my witch blog)
I am taking better care of myself. Trying to find a good balance of small steps in the right direction there without getting too overwhelmed or not really trying either.
Mind, Body, Spirit- balance. If only my mind would get on track, no wonder I am pulling all swords lol


I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol

Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well.


I am also trying to find a job. It is a whole pyramid of a mess for me. I panic in little waves about each part of it. That I am a moron and didn't finish school and only truly worked one job & haven't worked in like what two years now so my application will look horrid. I panic on how I will get to work, because I don't drive and my DH's schedule sucks and so hopefully the one place I can walk to but the other I would have to take the bus and I have been too afraid to try taking the bus yet so I should try to do that first. Then I panic on how I will do if I even get an interview and omg have to talk to someone and they always ask stupid questions that there is no good answer for and I am not good at conversations and talking to people. Then ofcourse I panic about the jobs themselves and if I will suck.

Right now I am just panicking over the applications because i can't remember the years I worked eh and I have to come with with references when I don't know anyone....

But then I start to plan out this big thing in my head-
step 1 get my GED.
step 2 get my drivers permit, learn to drive, get license.
step 3 work on my panic attacks- getting out more, walking daily, being healthier, talking to strangers, ride the bus, etc...
step 4 get a job

but perhaps that is just an excuse, just trying to stall. It isn't like I can't do all of that while I look for a job.

Fast Break Goals

So I have been reading the Spark Book and am on the section for starting out with Fast Break Goals. All about setting small simple goals and following through on them for a whole week.

I think this will be a great start for me. I have not been doing well at all. Stress is over taking me and I just fall apart. But hopefully this will jump start my spark and I will succeed!

I will follow these goals for this first week feb 1-7th and then move on to the next step.

My Goals:

• Eat fruit & veggies everyday. I want to eat a serving of fruit or veggies with every meal.
• Do atleast 10 mins of exercise 5 days a week.
• Write in my journal daily.
• Drink more water. I am setting a goal of atleast 1 glass of water a day. I sometimes don't drink any so that will get me started atleast.
• Meditate atleast 3 days a week

I am really excited about this and know I can do it!

Also I have been using my crockpot making chicken and then separating it out into 3oz servings and freezing them. So I have a simple meal anytime or to use for my meals all week. I so love this and it has really changed my life. So amazing that something so simple can make such huge changes. It was just so easy to cook and then when I am making dinner just toss a portion into the microwave.

Like today I havent been able to go shopping yet and didn't have much to eat in the house. I still had some salsa chicken in the freezer and so I warmed that up with some peppers and onions and then mixed it with some brown rice. Super yummy & healthy and best of all easy.

One of my biggest issues with cooking has been that it is so much work while tossing a frozen pizza in the oven or a frozen meal in the microwave. So this really helps.

I am also hoping that the meditation will help me destress and/or deal with my stress better rather then eating or hating on myself.

Building a foundation

I am still dealing with my biggest struggle- sleep. I have so many issues with getting to bed on time. I think partly it feels like I am going to miss something. Like I have all this time that I could be doing stuff and instead I am sleeping. But that makes zero sense since I end up then sleeping in and all that time I could be doing something useful lol

I also have to deal with the issue of pets & husband. On the days my DH doesn't open he stays up late which encourages me to do the same but it isn't his fault & I could just go to bed alone- its my choice. But it is a difficulty with the pets. See currently during the day the rats are in our computer room while the birds are in the bedroom. At night I put the rats in the bedroom and birds in the computer room. The birds will get quite noisy in the morning and being woken up to that is not fun lol. So I am like trying to stay up so I can put the birds in the other room but have to wait until my husband isn't in there with the tv/light on so the birds can sleep. Sigh. But on the other hand if I am getting up early then it would make sense to just leave them in the bedroom since it wouldn't matter. So something for me to think about there.

I was talking on the forums I visit and got some good ideas for meals. I am really striving to be on plan 100%. I HAVE to have a clear firm path to follow. If I don't I will be distracted, overwhelmed and unfocused and that all leads to me falling apart. Like some of my biggest issues is that I won't eat. I just get busy/distracted and say one more minute and then I will and end up not eating all day long and then I finally eat and am starving and binge out until I couldn't eat another bite. Or I will just never have a real meal and graze on whatever all day long never feeling full. It is some bad habits there that I hope to change.

So I have a really great plan. I am going to follow this until march when I hit my mini goal and then I will maybe fix it up some more idk.

Anyways it is as follows:

Breakfast- steal cut oatmeal, with flaxseed and fruit. Maybe add a hardboiled egg or a glass of milk with it.

Lunch- A turkey sandwich on wholewheat, maybe a pita. Lots of veggies. A serving of fruit and cottage cheese.

Dinner- I will pick one recipe each week and probably have it be from the crockpot or a casserole and freeze it in portions for the whole week!

Snacks- One snack will be a small smoothie because I love them lol probably early between breakfast and lunch.
Then my other can change a bit- some fruit, a cheese stick, some almonds, sugar free pudding or jello.


My exercise plan will be to get up early and walk Sun, Mon, Tues. Rest on Wed. Thurs do Wii stuff. and rest on fri/sat. I'll up that later.

So I am doing good. Building up my foundation right now.

Huge WOW moment

I haven't weighed in for quite a while (october) and ofcourse I was afraid of that mean scale lol but I actually am down a whole pound so yay!

The funny thing is though that as I went around and updated my new weight on the sites I am on and my tickers, I noticed something just far too lovely. 22 lbs lost 44 more to go. (technically it is 21.2 & 44.8 but the one site doesn't count the half pounds it rounds up lol)

It hit me like a brick. Full stop. Big WOW moment. I have lost 1/3. If I do this two more times that is it= GOAL!

I have lost 20lbs. I did that and no one can ever take that from me. It took some time and effort. It felt like I was going through hell some days. I tripped and fell and got back up to trip some more. But I did it. And not once but twice! Because I lost 20lbs then gained it back then lost it again. Even if right this second I gained it all back. I still lost it before- I did that. I had have that strength, courage, willpower and focus to do it. So much self doubt & fear and there it is proof that can stand up against anything that I am stronger then I think I am.

I can find a million reasons to tell myself how this is impossible and how I can not do it. But umm HELLO I can do it. I did do it. I just want to frame that on my wall in huge letters- 22 lbs lost 44 more to go & every single moment I want to give up just look at it and be like nope girl you can do it.


It is funny how such little things can be the biggest most meaninful wow moments.


I want to shout it from rooftops. I am so happy I can not stop smiling.

Life is good. I am horribly sick but I actually still feel good. I am still reading the spark book. Fitting in bits of reading here and there. I love it. I really can not recommend it enough. It is giving me such wonderful inspiration. 

One of the things I am reading right now is how it is the little things and that small accomplishments add up. It is like you want to take on the whole mountain and if you don't you are a failure when really every single hill you cross gets you closer and you still did and it is meaningful and something. Far better then sitting and doing nothing.

Hello New Year

A new year is here once again. I realize that I rarely look forward but instead pine for what was lost. I hate the new year, it just serves to remind me of so much wasted time. I haven't done well at all. I was being pretty good last fall until the entire DH cheating thing. It really broke me. I am still not great but I am going to be better.

Not a whole lot has been going on. I walked alittle before and after christmas. But the weather got kindof yucky and now I have a nasty cold. Christmas was great. I got Just Dance 3 & Zumba for the Wii. I haven't used either yet but as soon as I feel better I will for sure! I also got a new crockpot which I am in love with, a stand mixer, new knife set and a baking dish. So that all made me really happy. I can't wait to get back into cooking. I tried making a crockpot lasagna that had great reviews but it didn't turn out well at all.

The other thing I got for Christmas is a secret, so if anyone is reading this do not tell anyone :) The DH doesn't want his parents to know lol. I got two sweet little girl rats. I named them Willow and Sookie. They are alittle over 2 months old and just precious. I can understand why the DH doesn't want people to know, he just doesn't want to explain that his wife is an animal nut or be lectured if people do not think it is a good idea lol. I mean we technically have 7 pets now.... 3 cats, 2 parakeets and 2 rats. But it is really not bad. Expense wise the cats cost a bit with food and litter each month. The rats & bird food is super inexpensive and last several months. Cleanliness can be a pain always lol. But I am good about it. Just make it a routine- wake up feed everyone. Then every day I have to vacuum for the cat fur and the amazingly messy birds. Clean the litter box daily, clean the birds cage one a week.

Some people think rats are super dirty but that isn't true. They are litter trained and bath themselves like cats. Rats are also super social and intelligent. They can be taught tricks and to come to their name.
Willow is the dark headed one and Sookie has the white line down her face.

 It does suck that it has to be a secret because I would be filling up facebook with pics lol



Anyways... I am reading the Spark Book. & going to do this all right.  I need a firm plan and to set goals. I gave up coke. I only drank diet but it was still just awful for me. That is one step. I am back to blogging and going to track my food and exercise.

Right now though I just care about getting over this cold. ugh

Its a rollercoaster

One day I am up. The sun is shining, the sky is blue. I raise my hands high into the air and smile. I am full of positive motivated energy. I have hope & self love. Everything is right or will be & nothing can stand in my way.

The next day the clouds roll in. The sky is now dark and grey. It rains and not happy fun rain but icky cold wet rain. All my energy is spent. I am tired and lazy and all I want to do is curl up in bed, cry alittle and drown out all the noise of the world.

I am up & down and back and forth every week it seems. Like alittle rubber ball bouncing all over the room. I need control & focus. And nothing will every change until I take it.

The biggest thing I keep talking about almost everday, and most definitely every time I stumble is the issue of sleep. Right now it is my biggest obstacle. It is hard and that is a lame excuse. I realize that I have come into the habit of not having a proper schedule. My body has come to expect sleeping in and staying up until I can't keep my eyes open and passing out. And creating change in that will not happen overnight (lol) it will take alot of time to create a real schedule.

I know my issue and that is a start. But just stating that over and over doesn't actually change anything. I need to create an actual plan to fix it and then take the actions towards that goal.

I will be going to bed at midnight everynight- wed-sat and getting up at 8am. That is 8 hours of sleep. Sun-Tues I will go to bed at 11pm (that is the earliest I can get to bed those days) and be getting up at 5:30-6am. Perhaps I can take a small nap on those days to make up for it?

Hopefully this is one start to changing the rollercoaster behavior. I completely fell apart Tues & Wed. Because I stayed up late every night but still woke up early sun/mon to walk. and I got a ton of stuff done on sunday. So by the time tuesday hit I was purely and completely exhausted. I couldn't move much less get anything done. And wed shared the same tired no energy feeling and it let me skip out on my routine- I didn't eat right, I didn't workout. I threw all my plans out the window. And I can't let that happen. It is a slippery slope until i am back to stuffing my face and not getting off the couch.

It is all hard. But I can do it. I need to remind myself that I have the control. It is my life. My choices.

Today I am gonna go for a walk and do alittle shopping and stop for lunch at subway. I am absolutely nervous as hell. My stomach is a wreck. But I am still gonna go and have fun. Then I get to come home and clean my house that i let fall apart tues/wed while I was in such a funk. bleh lol

How am I gaining???

Ok it isn't Sunday yet (my official weigh in day) but I just hop on the scale and checked first thing this morning anyways. It shows another gain! @#*! Last week I gained too. How is this possible??? I don't get it and I am more then alittle annoyed and upset/depressed.

Ok I wasn't expecting big number drops. I have NOT been eating super well- but I have been recording everything I eat(except I missed Sunday & can't remember what I had) and I haven't been going over at all. Two days this week I went lower then I should have...

But my point is that if before I was eating a ton of horribly bad things and now I am eating much better and gaining??? It just doesn't make sense to me. I should stay the same or go down. Right??

On top of that I am working out now. Before nada. I was sitting on my butt all day long. Now I am working out & that should count for something. I walked 3 times this week and did my Wiifit as well.
My DH says maybe I am gaining muscle and thats why the gain. But I don't think that works quite like that. I wasn't working out super heavy. As I said I didn't expect a huge loss here from it but I shouldn't be gaining.



This just feels like crap. It makes me want to throw my hands up and say I give up. What is the point? It is too hard. I can't do it.

But I won't. To be honest it kills me and has me so upset obviously. But I won't let it throw me off. I will just see what is going on and change it. I can't half ass this. It has to be with real effort and focus. I have to throw my entire being into it and I haven't been.

1. I need to get my sleep schedule undercontrol for good. I woke up at noon today. I slept for like 11 hours! How is that possible? IDK. I feel bad setting an alarm clock on DH's days off. But such is life. My body is all out of whack because of having a bad sleep schedule for so long and the only way to fix that is to reel it in and set a firm schedule so that I can get back to normal. This will be for my health, wellbeing and balance.

2. I have to get my food under control. I have breakfast down just like I planned to do last week. So that is good one step in the right direction. Now it is time for lunch and dinner.

I will eat a salad everyday for lunch. A nice big yummy salad. It is simple and easy and perfect. I have already planned it before where that salad could be perfectly in all the nutrient needs for that meal. So there is no need to go out of that comfort zone when I am still struggling.

That leaves dinner and snacks as my daily variety. For dinners I am trying to learn how to cook more. It is probably the hardest area for me as I struggle with the right amount of planning and focus. So it will take some practice but starting this week I am working on that. I found two amazing recipes that will be enough for leftovers for half of the week.

I am really excited about cooking. Last week I made chicken in my crockpot which was really good. Nothing fancy I just used it with some rice & veggies but it was good and easy. I also made my husband some porkchops with cheesy rice that he loved. So yay.

3. I need to kick up the exercise. I have been walking and taking it slow and I am good with that. But on my non walk days I need to get up the motivation and energy to workout still. I need to do strength and push myself more.

So hopefully I can refocus myself and do better next week. It isn't easy but I can do this. Though if I don't start losing I might throw myself out a window lol

Brand New Day

Today is the day! I woke up & weighed myself 213.8lbs. It was almost down a half a pound from the last time I weighed in....which was in Feb. Yeah that breaks my heart a bit. I let all these months pass me by. Sigh. The quote that says- a year from now you will wish you started today. Always so true.

But I won't let that get me down. I can't change the past. No time machine to go back and do it right. I can only learn from them and do better. TODAY IS THE DAY! I can do this :)

I am off to a rough start. I stayed up way too late and I feel like crap lol. I also usually go shopping wed/thurs but didn't because I was just feeling awful and couldn't get out of this funk. So I am going to go this evening. But I have like nothing to eat except ramen lol. So the biggest issue will be not be starved and just throw everything out the window because of it when I go shopping!

I have a great shopping list. & a plan! I think it will take some trial and error with the calories again until I find the right balance of meals but thats ok. I won't let that bother me. It will take some time to get back into the flow of things but that is ok.

I decided to break down my week into 8 days worth of meals (having 1 extra for those just in case times). After a little while I will definitely break this up more but right now I just want super simple.
So for Breakfast doing- 4 days oatmeal & 4 days smoothies.
For Lunch doing- 4 days salad & 4 days sandwiches.
For Dinner doing- 2 days I cook, 2 days of leftover from cooking, 2 salads & 2 super easy microwave stuff (still on plan!)

My biggest issue is planning an entire meal. I always eat less when I have a whole meal rather than just one thing but I usually just eat one thing. I found a site here:
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/
& it gives sample menus so that will help me get some ideas I hope for balanced eating.


Goals-
My goal right now is to get to Onederland. Meaning out of the 200s. I want to get back down to 190 which is where I was when everything fell apart. I used sparkpeople to calculate my goal and losing 1.5lbs a week it said by Dec 1st I could hit 190! So that is my #1 goal right now :)

How will I do that? Well I am going to count calories again. Sparkpeople gives my daily goal of calories 1,200 - 1,550. I am going to ease myself back into fitness so only doing 2 days of strength a week (sunday & friday) & 10mins of cardio (mon, tues, thurs, sat).
I am thinking I will do 1 day walking, 2 days my fitness coach & 1 day Wii fit. 


I will up my fitness as needed but I think I may finish this month off with this plan. Then september up it to 2 days 15 min & 2 days 20 min or 20 min/30 min depending.

Laziness

I am not really lazy. I know some may disagree with that (pfft lol) but I really am not. I am not saying I do not have my lazy days ~ we all do. But my real problem is not being lazy.

My real problem is focus. I have two big issues. I am so easily distracted. I can make the best plans, have everything layed out and be more then willing to put in the effort and be ready to do it. But then it's like "ooo something shiny" and I am distracted and before I know it 4 hours have gone by.

The other issue which goes along with focus still is that I can be easily overwhelmed. I plan too big without enough wiggle room. I set my sights on the mountain instead of the hill. Sometimes it is ok to go for the mountain but you have to be ready for that part. You can't skip steps 1-9.I turn into this unfocused mess where my mind just bounces around until it all is just spinning. I panic and curl into alittle ball.

 This isn't news to me. I can define my issues very well. The problem lies in solving them. I have learned time and time again that if I want to get things done I MUST have a definite plan- if it is too lax I will be too distracted or not knowing what to do. I must also not plan to do everything at once. It is like I pick a day and say today I will do every single thing perfect! umm no that just isn't possible. It is ok to keep the mountain as a goal but you need to take the baby steps to get there. Each hill in your way you have to cross first. I don't get to have some super human leap a mountain thing.


On the flip side I have come to realize that my husband is lazy. It is probably a huge issue that leads us to many fights. He has very little motivation and just doesn't want to put in any effort. I know I have ranted before about cleaning issues. It really bugs me to no end. I can not stand messes and clutter. My mood is just too sensitive and if my house is a mess it just like drags me right down with it. And once things are trashed that whole overwhelming thing takes over and I can't get it done. I know that makes zero sense to some. But it is like the dishes. I can wash a sink full of dishes but if I let them pile up I panic- I don't see it as just dirty dishes it is like a huge mountain of dishes that there is no way in the world I can get through it all. I know that sounds silly. And I have been working through that little issue & getting way better. I keep my house very clean now.

But it is like DH will have a trash can right next to his desk and I look over and his desk is covered in trash. How does that make any sense? I ask him to please put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. We have a hamper in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. And yet instead of putting them in either he leaves them on the floor. There is a pile of dirty clothes of his on my bedroom floor 2 feet from the empty basket.... seriously! And he leaves dishes in the bedroom all the time. I will do dishes then notice I missed all the silverware covering his desk. And like the other day he was like we need to buy more bowls because all the ones we had right then were dirty or in the fridge with leftovers. We have 6 bowls more then enough for 2 ppl. I was like hell no. If you want to use a bowl wash it. I am the one who does the dishes and I am not washing a huge pile of dishes because you do not want to wash one that happens to be dirty. bleh

I kindof blame his parents for this. I mean yeah he is an adult but I think cleaning is one thing that you gotta start kids young with to develop those habits. I somewhat did. My mom just was very lax, if it is dirty clean it up doesn't need to be a whole issue lol but she didn't wait on us. If a dish was dirty we would have washed it. If we were hungry we would have cooked something. His mom did too much for him. She wouldn't just do his laundry but fold it and put it away too. I am not saying anything bad towards them- I love his family, But I wish they would have kicked his ass a bit more lol :)

And it is just not with cleaning. I pay all the bills. Because when he was in charge of it things would not get payed on time. If distracted crazy me can keep track and pay them all on time then you know he has to have some serious problems lol. Anything that needs to be done he will procrastinate it and have no effort or will to even care to get it done.

It is just the entire opposite of me. My virgoness is straight on for that. They say virgos are perfectionists.



This wasnt all supposed to be a rant on the DH lol. I just am annoyed and needed to release some steam there. I am going to start everything back up this next week. Starting Friday. Eating better, exercising and with the daily rituals. I am going to go slow. Starting off with a few days a week. and I just have to do the rituals. I am also going to plan a meal once a week so I will be cooking again- yay me :)

I just wanna keep waiting until things are perfect. and i have to remind myself things wont ever be. Yeah my mood sucks and I wanna bury all my stress into junk food and doing nothing but whining but that is not going to help and it won't make me feel better. Its always difficult with food. I go shopping on DHs days off. And we fight and then I go shopping and my plans go out the window and I buy crap because it feels like a safety blanket. but I eat it and feel like crap and it starts this same nasty cycle. I have been eating so so badly. I cupcakes(i did eat them without frosting-do I get points for that?) and brownies and icecream and so much pasta. I have had headaches and been dizzy & the black mold is back in the toilet like extra crazy lots of it- which happens when diabetics don't take care of themselves and they pee an extra lot and all that extra sugar comes out and the mold grows. For real how nasty is that? I just feel like somedays I am trying to kill myself a really horrible slow death.

But I will do better. I have to.

And so She Screams: Part Three

In a Magickal state of mind....

My Mantra:
I am STRONG. I am an Amazon Goddess. Nothing can stand in my way. Nothing can stop me from achieving my goals. Not even myself- not doubt or fear. Because I AM stronger then I think I am. Even at my worst, when I am collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears- I can pick myself up. I can wipe the dust off and with it all the excuses. & move forward & grow.

I am strong. I can do it. I will do it.

I suffer from a panic disorder. It can be extremely difficult someday. Doing a simple mundane task can be a chaotic overwhelming mess. I have panic attacks where I feel overwhelmed, lost, and like the world is spinning out of control. 

One of the ways I deal with it is to stop & ground myself. I need to feel connected to the Earth and bring my focus back to reality. So one trick I use is to breath deeply then focus on my breathing. Then I say silently to myself-

"I am a tree. Strong & beautiful. My roots sink deep into the Earth. My branches reach high into the heavens. The Goddess is with me. I am safe & protected."

These are things that I need to remind myself. Focus on.  I think I will plan a healing ritual for tomorrow and then keep these in mind in my morning rituals!

It is an uphill battle somedays...

Well I gained weight this week. I saw it coming a mile away. I was sick last week and lost a big number and knew once I started eating normally it would come back. I was hoping for a smaller gain...lol but such is life.

I didn't workout and I ate bad. Surprisingly I can't just wish the fat off I actually have to make changes and take action! But a new week is here and I will do better :)

Today I just decided to do it and did some wii fit boxing and hula hoops then did just dance & then just danced around a ton till I couldn't move anymore lol. I really love dancing. I looked online for the wii zumba but for some reason it seems out of stock like everywhere and where they do have it its marked up to $70 so yeah I don't think so lol. Maybe I will try to get Just Dance 2.

But idk because I need to save my money up. Going on a trip in June to visit my family yay!! I miss them so much. It is really hard living so far away from them. I am super excited about it. But on the flip side there is alot of issues it brings up. Taking a trip is alot of money- the plane is like $500 and then duh spending money too. Also leaving my husband home all alone. Last time I visited my family we lived near his family/friends and he spent alot of time visiting his friends and his brother came over. But now we live like 3-4 hour drive away from everyone. So that means he will pretty much be all alone the entire time. That makes me sad. I am sure at first it will be nice having the place to himself lol but it will quickly be sad :( On top of it I miss my kitties and birds. I won't be too worried because I can bug the DH to feed them over the phone lol but I know he won't let the birds out of their cage for exercise at all and I am hoping he wont just leave them covered or locked in the bedroom too much.

And ofcourse it also means I really need to get focused and drop some lbs!! Ofcourse I wanna look awesome for when I visit and also because June in texas I am gonna melt and so I totally want to be wearing some shorts and tank top and feel confident about it.

but overall I am just very very excited!!

Also I have decided to start walking. I really miss it. I love just being outside walking. And I also think it was what helped me lose weight so well the first time. I just need to suck it up. Get over all my fears and get out there. Ok so that is so much easier said then done for me. I think my biggest worry (excuse) is because where I live now is on this giant hill. Sure going down will be easy. Trying to push my butt back up it will be the killer. And little miss anxiety me is already nervous enough with thinking about everyone's eyes on me as I huff and puff and struggle to walk up a hill or pass out in the middle of the road (also why does no where have side walks it seems anymore??)

But I am gonna do it. I mapped out a smidge over a mile on sparkfitness maps. And I will see how it goes from there.

Oh look a collar bone!

This is gonna be a positive post for once. I swear people who read my blog often might think I am bipolar with my mood swings lol

I am actually just in a great mood today. Sun is shining, birds are singing kindof day :) So I thought I would channel that energy and focus my thoughts and blog some.

It is funny how things can go just awful and yet somehow lead things to be better. I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu and while it was truly horrid it also has managed to reach out and catch me just as i was losing my way and brought me right back to my path with new insight and opened eyes I guess.

For starters not being able to keep anything down left me with a hefty weight loss this week. Which I do not consider a good thing or actually "counting" because I would rather lose it the right way and if I had any choice in the matter I would would never go through that in the first place even if it meant losing all the weight in the world lol!!!

But on the flip side the loss took me to my goal of losing my first 20lbs. Now I am actually not counting it because I KNOW I will gain some of this weight back next week so it does not feel right to celebrate just yet. but seeing it right there in front of my face just feels amazing. It was like a little reminder of hello you can do this!


Secondly small changes are popping up that have me so excited in a way only my fellow weight loss sisters can possible understand....

I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONE!!!!

I remember the first time I was losing weight and I lost 20lbs all the amazing changes my body went through. I lose weight first in my collar and shoulders and apparently I am sticking to that pattern again lol. It was funny because last time if you had looked at me in that area you would have thought I was tiny skinny but the rest of me was still big lol.

Now I haven't lost enough yet for it to all pop out but I can feel it there! I can't keep my hands off myself now! (not in a pervy way lol) I just keep running my hands over my collar & shoulders over and over because its so new!!!

It is really an amazing feeling! and then there is also the fact that my legs have gotten smaller and I can slip on/off my winter boots without zipping/unzipping them. And my jeans without unbuttoning them- actually my jeans barely stay up now lol.

My stomach is weirding out though into this misshapen mess. But idk if that is the weight loss or being sick and not eating did it or a mixture? We will see if it fixes out? And I am not really sure how to describe a misshapen belly lol. I tried to tell my husband and he gave me the strangest look and was like what do you mean misshapen? lol

if you don't know me, well I gain like all my weight in my stomach. So I have a big stomach :( Well right now the sides are like sunken in some which idk if it looks any different or not but it feels totally different (more of me running my hands all over the new stuff lol)




So anyways along with all of those changes I have also gained some perspective I guess. Things don't need to be so complicated. I think I need a giant poster saying that because truly it might be my biggest issue. It doesn't need to be all or nothing. Every little oops is not the end of the world. I don't need to rack my brain with self doubt on every tiny step I make wondering if I am doing it right or wrong.

I saw on the forums I visit someone posted a link to meal plans- 
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/ Scroll down to the left hand side. It shows full menus. It gives me some good ideas. I think I am going to just keep things simple for a while like that.

Anyways I still feel a bit sick. My appetite is not fully back yet and my body is still sore and weak and yucky lol. Hopefully I feel all back to normal by friday which is when me and the DH are celebrating our valentines day.

Being sick sucks

This will be a little bit tmi...

So I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu. I think the worst I remember ever having. But it always seems like the worst doesnt it? lol My husband came home sick from work wednesday throwing up a few times then he had diarrhea. That night he was feeling much better. The next day he was fine.

I ofcourse have it 1000 times worse....

Wed night I started feeling yucky. A bit extra tired and sick feeling. thurs, alittle bit worse. Then late late thurs night it hit me full force. and at about 2am onwards I just kept throwing up. Every 15-20 mins nonstop. I didn't even know it was possible because there was absolutely nothing left in me. I was drinking water just so I had something to throw up (and because I needed to stay hydrated lol) It lasted 12 hours straight and I had it coming out everywhich way.

It was so god aweful :( and to make matters worse I was home all alone because my husband was out of town. He left thurs and didn't come home till sunday morning.

I finally was able to keep down water so I ate some jello. It was funny it took me like an hour to finish one little jello cup. I tried to eat some toast and got one slice down after awhile.

So yeah I have like barely ate in two days. Mostly the thought of food just has me queasy. Why oh why do they show so many food commercials on tv? Everytime one came on I wanted to throw up lol.


Anyways....

So ofcourse barely eating and being dead empty right now shows a big loss on the scale. 5.2lbs. That puts me at a over 20lbs total loss. I don't think it really counts though lol

I am fairly sure I will gain from that next week, since I will actually be eating and keeping it down lol. So it kindof has me all blah.

But I asked around and everyone thinks I should still record it and make a note that I was actually sick though and then just not let it get to me. I just have to remember if/when I gain next week it is not because I did anything wrong (unless I bounce back into a gallon of icecream or something lol).

Sunday weigh in- 15lbs lost

Today is this bad/good day all rolled into one. sigh.

First the good. Woohoo *happy dance* I lost 1.4lbs this week bringing me to a total of 15.2lbs lost!!!! That is not just good but great news :) On top of it I have lost some inches here and there which is great too. Though it also means my clothes are getting wacky lol.

For example I bought sports bras a good while back. This 3 pack. They were a bit tight on me. Now they are a bit loose so it is not very comfortable. While I was working out the other day I lifted my arms up and the bottom flag rolled up!! It didn't want to stay in place. But it is tough because I know I have just gotten the ball rolling and will be dropping more weight & not having alot of money to go buy new stuff every other week or whatever.

My pants are having some issues staying up as well lol! So even though I haven't been losing a ton of weight this month it seems I have lost inches or whatnot.

Now the bad... I am stressed to the brim. Trying not to throw myself under the bus. But when you are an emotional eater being depressed and stressed just makes it so much harder. I am having alot of marriage issues. It seems every single time my husband is around we fight. /vent- he is just an immature, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate ass!!!! I'm just sick and tired of feeling like my thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter.

I just feel like I am finally getting strong enough to lift myself up and he is the one tearing me down.

and to make matters worse I am in such a horrible situation that I know I put myself in (self hate awarded for that) that it doesn't matter. It is like I am in this tiny little box that I put myself in and I can't get out right now so what does it matter??

I think part of the solution to atleast grant me some freedom and strength would be for me to be able to get my license and drive. & Then to get a job. But oh no I have to be agoraphobic panic attack girl who can't leave her house or deal with people or the big scary world.

So idk... is part of the problem just the fact that I must depend on him or is it more? Sometimes I wonder if I could drive, had my own money would I still be here? and right now I just don't know...

and don't get me wrong. Some days I love him more then anything and I can't imagine my life without him. It just seems that those times are too few and inbetween.


I just need to focus on myself right now. Take care of my body. Let it build my courage, my strength. Things will get better.

But for now I'll celebrate my victories. I won't give up like I usually would in this situation. Yay for 15lbs down!!!! I think upping my calories helped me alot this week. I just need to make sure I don't binge!!

Weigh in Day

So my first weigh in day since I restarted. It has been a week now.

and the grand total of weight lost this week= ZERO

Yeah I didn't lose a thing. But the good news is that I did not gain anything either.

I know what happened. I did very bad with food this week. But it is ok. I still feel good. Things go wrong, mistakes happen. All I can do is learn from them & do better next week & the week after.

Really focus on what I am eating. Add in more veggies. Eat more salads. Don't put myself in bad situations where I end up overly hungry and/or wanting to binge. I am the one in control of my actions and I do have the strength to make good choices.

So this week I am focused on food mostly.