Day# 21 The blame game

I made bad choices & I know I only have myself to blame. I wish I could blame someone else. Make up some excuse about how it wasn't my fault. That I was out of control.

Sure last week when I lost 3lbs (yay!!) & walked my goal of 9 miles for the week I was all yay me. I am awesome. No problem acknowledging the choices I made then and even taking sole credit when I wasn't actually feeling that well and some of it may have just been water & not fat :(

Yesterday I ate nearly 1500 calories in croissants.... did you know how many calories a croissant had? Because I did not!

Hello my name is Aimee & I am a all things bread like addict. I seriously need help.

Skip the cupcakes, candy & junk food give me bread. It is a running joke even....

It wasn't even a binge, which I guess in the grand scheme of things is a good thing. Not binging is always good. Yet at the same time I just feel stupid for what did happen.

I just was busy & my schedule had been completely thrown aside and crumbled into a mess, all week really but will get into that later. I went to bed insanely late, woke up way late. I had to finish up a candle order for my SiL because my husband was driving down that afternoon to deliver them & also had to make out a deposit slip for him to drop off at the bank. I grabbed a yummy croissant- quick & easy while I worked.

Then I needed to update my shop with new candles and that meant editing pictures, updating descriptions and adding them all up. Doing a bit of networking.

Then Christmas -window- shopping lol. Browsing websites to try and find some gift ideas & then calling my sister and talking to her almost all day long on the phone about christmas and all other stuff.

By the time all that was done it was 8pm....I had only ate croissants all day. Only 5 even & was over my total calories for the day. Seriously do you know how many calories is in a croissant??!! WoW! The worst is that I just didn't realize really until the end when it just hit me wow you only ate these today, looked at the nutritional info...*cry* all day I just kept jumping up & grabbing it, saying I would eat in a minute but never really following through.

So to top it off my husband then came home & I made tacos for dinner. I ate 3 which honestly compared to normal wasn't bad but not really good either. And I didn't count calories but I am sure put me way way over my already overness. :(  And I stayed up until 1 am watching the newest batman movie which is super long btw.

bad choices abound!

This entire week has been that way though. I haven't walked at all yet. Which means I won't hit my goal for the week even walking tomorrow & sat. I have stayed up late every night & then ofcourse slept in every morning. The night before I ate horrible, went shopping at like 9pm got home & ate a huge thing of mac & cheese & a croissant and almost a whole doughnut.


Alot has been going on this week.

1. I just started my business all up & running. It takes alot of work. I also got my first orders. This has been packed full of emotions, fear, excitement and busy busy busy stuff.

2. My parakeet passed away Monday night :( Out of the blue and has been heartbreaking. Causing me to want to fall into bad yet comforting choices like comfort food & staying up late watching tv.

3. A whole lot of bad stuff coming up about my father. He is pretty much scum of the earth bad guy but people were discussing him on facebook & saying some truly horrible things. My sister got very upset about it. So it brought up all of the feelings and I was trying to comfort her. Really seriously now people facebook is fairly public, airing personal business there is not cool. Even more so when it effects other people. You might hate someone (& with very very good reason) but even the worst person in the world still has family & children. It is this very strange situation to be in. You can know someone is a monster but if they are still your father it is difficult to understand how you feel. And if you are not in that situation you probably can not understand. I will probably blog about this later I have alot of thought in it that I probably need to let out. But the point is it was a whole mess of stressful feelings & emotions that came pouring out.

4. Christmas...is ever so stressful. I am having this balancing act of figuring out how much money we can spend with trying to get the perfect most thoughtful gift for everyone & yet having some people just be far too hard to shop for. I am almost finished but the hardest people I still have left & still am lost.

5. My schedule has been totally thrown out the window. I stayed up late which meant I didn't want to get up at my normal 6am time. So I woke up late which then led to not being tired and staying up late again.... I didn't do my normal routine things which led to things just not getting done at all.

6. Stressful new roommate. So we have a roommate now & he is very very nice. But it is hard living with people.I will post more about that later. But it has thrown a kink in my schedule for sure.


Ok so well me being the smart girl I am have sat down & identified my issues. All of the things that have stood in my path, every curve, every huge rock, every slippery slope, every little issue that just made following my plan alittle bit more difficult.

I could now sit back & wipe my hands of it all & point my fingers and say it wasn't my fault. Look at how stressful & busy I was. I blame them. I did the best I could.

BUT IT WOULD BE A LIE.

I just read a lovely blog about lying to ourselves. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5155514 I think maybe it helped me realize that you have to be honest even if it hurts. Self deception got me to where I am and I am done with being here and feeling sorry for myself and blaming the world.

There will never be a perfect day where there is zero stress, zero busy stuff to do or something to take care of, zero food temptations, zero people getting in my way, zero laziness begging to win out, ZERO OBSTACLES. 

I might not get hit with everything at once (hopefully) but there will always be something. I have to either make the right decisions or let the blame and crap getting in the way always win, and then I would have already lost.



Part of me (probably the little girl with panic attacks part) wants to just sink down into a corner & cry right now. Because knowing all of that ^^ is fine and wonderful but applying it? I feel like a small child staring into the face of a huge fire breathing dragon that wants to eat me.

My entire life when something was scary or too hard I ran & hid and had a pocket full of excuses why I couldn't or that I would "later". How do you change that? Where do you find the courage & strength?

I don't have all the answers but I think I have some good ideas atleast.

1. I have to forgive myself. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. Honestly while I made bad choices, much of what I did was more not thinking or being prepared then just straight up choosing horrible options. So it could have been so much worse.

2. Learn from my mistakes. yay blogging right? I obviously know what went wrong. Hopefully next time I will either have a better foundation so that I don't so easily get knocked off and/or be able to realize it quicker and recover easier.

3. I made my lovely little schedule just for this reason. I know that one of my biggest issues is getting all distracted or finding a block in my path and wondering off it and not being able to get back so easily. I have to keep my schedule. My schedule is perfect amount of push to keep me focused on my tasks without being too rigid that I feel restricted or can't change things up if needed. So there is ZERO excuse not to follow it.

4. How to deal with stress? Idk. I could throw in a ton of good ideas here but in truth I just am not sure of a good way right now for myself. It will require more thought.


I guess in the end I hope this all sticks and next time I realize what is going on and can deal with it better. I hope it becomes easier too.

Day # 16 my sweet husband

I haven't written in a bit, I just have been feeling meh. I haven't let it throw me off track though so yay. I think just all the changes I am making are throwing my body for a loop. I have to remember I am diabetic and that probably is some of it. My DH says it is because I am just active now where before all i did was sit and that totally could be a chunk of it. I just hope things balance out.

Speaking of my darling husband, he said some really amazingly sweet things to me yesterday. I was naked and I totally hate being naked in front of people. Not that I am naked in front of anyone other then myself, my husband and that cats! lol But he told me I was so beautiful and I was just like you are crazy. Then he took my hands and was like I know you want to lose some weight but really to me you are perfect just how you are I wouldn't change anything.

It was epically sweet. But at the same time it gives me a prang of concern. Which I know right my DH says the most perfect thing and I have to find something negative about it.... But honestly it just makes me wonder if he will still find me attractive when I lose the weight?

He has always liked curvier women. With meat on their bones, alittle pudgy. Every woman, actress, whatever that he has ever pointed out had some extra weight on them. Not like obese at all but like I am now, though technically I am obese weigh wise! But I am sure you get what I mean.

But my idea of beauty is the total opposite. I love tall and super thin, alittle athletic is fine too. And I don't mean anorexic but definitely very thin. I have major girl crush on Angelina Jolie & Blake Lively. Both of who my husband doesn't think are attractive at all.

It is doubtful that I will ever get that skinny so perhaps it doesn't even matter that much and either way it is not going to happen for a while still lol. But I do know that when I reach close to my first goal (165lbs) my husband will tell me not to lose more weight and prob make comments about it....

Anyways that is just what is filling my head right now... I am doing good with my fitness. I walked 9 miles this week. Yay me. But the weather is getting nasty. It snowed last night but only left just enough to cover the ground. But it was alittle bit slippery in some spots. I can fall down when the ground isn't wet and slippery so it sucked I had a few close calls this morning but didn't fall.

It is also really strange that when I first start walking it isn't that cold but as the sun starts coming up more it gets colder. I would think it would get warmer as the sun rose more. But walking home I was freezing!I have very sensitive eyes so they start watering and my nose gets super runny, is not fun lol. And this is just the start of the weather....

idk I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Diet wise it is not perfect but way way better. I think I am starting to listen to my body and understand it better. It is just a faint whisper but I noticed it. When I am really hungry, when I am full, when I am just bored.

I also am getting ready for christmas. I put up my tree and some decorations. It is my youngest cat, Kit's first christmas and he is driving me mad. I think I spent 20 mins this morning yelling at him as everytime I turned my back he was either trying to get under the tree (my tree is very small and he will tip it over lol) or knocking off the bells & balls and playing kitty soccer with them. He is by far the worst cat ever about it.

He even jumped up and pulled down stockings that were hung up! Such a brat.

I have 4 cats but Keeba wouldn't cooperate so far lol I am so mean :)

I also bought some gorgeous fake poinsettias some at the dollar store & some at this second hand store. I got red & green glass beads and filled a vase. So beautiful. I love poinsettias but my cats would destroy them + if the cats ate them it can make them sick. So fake ones it is! But these fake ones actually look good.

Day #12 christmas shopping woes

I feel exhausted right now and it is only 7pm...yuck lol. I ended up waking up late this morning, I didn't sleep all that well. But I turned the alarm off in some type of sleepy haze and didn't fully wake up. 45 mins later I woke up though lol Which is kindof nice that I didn't over sleep by hours.

I was reading a blog post here @ Peanut Butter Fingers about streamlining your morning routine. I took it to heart & was alot quicker getting out of the door today. Yay me. It wasn't as cold as it has been, like no wind so that was great too. My legs were killing me but I walked my 3 miles still.

Food wise I didn't do so horrible, not great, but not horrible. I brought out the crock pot and made some chicken. All yummy and super juicy. Then separated it into 3oz portions and put some in the freezer and some in the fridge. I love it. Makes everything so easy to just grab a perfect portion and throw into whatever I am eating.

I got done a bunch of Christmas shopping or well atleast figured out what I am going for with alot of people lol. I get very stressed out. I know that it is the thought that counts, but I want to give someone a meaningful really great gift that they love. And with some people my mind just goes blank lol. My in laws are probably the worst. They don't really have like a "thing" where you can just buy them something for that. Like if someone loves to read buy them a book, if they love to cook grab them a kitchen things. Easy. But they just don't really have alot of things like that and the few things they do, well the have plenty of money and buy whatever they want for themselves lol.

Last year my MiL told us something to get my FiL and then he ended up buying it himself and then my brother in law and we also bought it for him....

The few things we have gotten my MiL she is nice and acts like he likes it but then the next time we visit it isn't out and isn't being used lol.

I don't want to get someone something just because, I want to get them something they like and want and will use. And they won't tell you what they want. My sister & husband is just as bad. So I have no idea for my in laws, sister or husband right now in any way lol

And the worst is that my in laws and sister always give me amazing gifts!

Ofcourse I am super amazingly easy to shop for. I am not just saying that either. I have tons and tons of "things" that you can not go wrong with. I can't believe anyone would be like hmm I have no idea what to get Aimee lol. Plus I also give people ideas because I am nice :)

My husband should be easy but he isn't. I get alot of ideas that I think he would love but he never does. I don't think I have ever given him a gift he has really liked. And while he isn't mean about it, he is just honest... for real it drives me crazy because I believe in sparing people's feelings. Like one time we were at his parents house and his mom made dinner and he straight up was telling her how it could be better. I thought it was so rude and disrespectful. IDK I mean ofcourse honesty is good too, but there is a way to do it so you are just not being blunt I guess. He just doesn't have that filter. So i usually feel like crap about it. But again he won't tell me what to get...


So anyways our new roommate moved in yesterday afternoon. He is nice, alittle bit hyper for me lol. He said he has ADD & I believe it. I am just not used to it and he talks to me alot. I am so shy. I am not a social person as I have a social anxiety disorder. The thought of talking to people usually gives me panic attacks. So it is difficult for me but he mostly has just been doing his own thing.

The only kindof bad thing is my husband's attention is now shared. I blogged before about how I have so little time with him and then he will stay up all night and sleep all day so even when he isn;t working I feel like I don't see him. So last night he ended up staying up ALL NIGHT long so when I woke up at 6:45am he was still awake.... and then went to bed. I was a bit upset because that meant I would spend like no time with him today and it also meant I would be awake all alone with this new guy in my apartment that I don't know...awkward for me.

And then as soon as he woke up, he took the guy out to introduce him to his boss at work then as soon as they got back they left to go pick up his bed because he couldn't get it yesterday. It is a 2 hour drive to where he used to live. So yeah it is now almost 8pm and I have seen my husband for like 20 mins today total and he goes back to work tomorrow.

Also he leaves and doesn't call or text me at all. I hate that. I am not nutty where I want him to check in every 5 mins but text me when u get there to say you made it, text me when you are driving back home to let me know. It is just considerate. let me know you thought about me atleast for a minute :(

Plus I haven't gone shopping this week and we usually go Monday so meh. I am not really too happy.

Even though I am venting a bunch I am not really letting it get to me too much. I can't control other people just how I react. Just focus on myself and what I am doing.

On a good note I made some candle sales. Yay! Ok it was my sister and sister in law... but still :) They are buying to give as gifts so they have to have some confidence that my stuff is gift worthy.

Day #8 Post Thanksgiving day & non food related guilt

Thanksgiving is now over but it went fairly well diet wise I think.

Wed morning right before we left I check all the animals, make sure they have plenty of food and water. Well my rats were sicks :( They had porphyrin around their nose and were sneezing. At first I thought it was blood but then I remembered reading about it and went and looked it up again. It can be they have an infection or from stress. 

If any of my pets are sick I automatically freak out with worry, stress and guilt that it is all my fault. I have way too many pets. I love them but I shouldn't have gotten so many. Before I was so depressed I couldn't take care of myself, getting out of bed was a chore. How was I supposed to give them the proper care? They always had food and water but not always the right attention. Now that I am doing better depression and health wise things have gotten better but at the same time these last few weeks I have been so so busy :(

My husband doesn't understand at all. He just dismisses my feelings. He is like they have each other and their cage is giant and packed full of stuff, like their cage in rat terms is bigger then our apartment for us lol he exaggerates. But it really upset me that he didn't seem to care. I didn't even want to leave them I was so worried. I knew if I left and something happened I would have been resentful towards him for making me go and how am I supposed to enjoy myself while I am worrying & afraid they would be dead when I got home :(

But after a fight with him I ended up going anyways. 

I was already stressed because rats do not live very long, about 2 years. And my girls turned a year old and I was all worrying about them. I can't even take them to the vet right now. More guilt on my part. I always hated that, I think if you own pets you have to be able to take care of them and that included vets. I have probably spent $600-$700 on my cats this past 6 months alone :( But right now things are insanely bad money wise for us. My husband taking the demotion which meant a pay cut, me starting my business and doing it so stupidly that I spent far more of our savings then I should have (yay look more guilt). We kept saying that we would budget & be smart & all we really did was cancel netflix...we continued to spend spend spend. And then in a blink of an eye the money is gone.

Right now after we pay the rent for dec we will be living pay check to pay check. We have to get things in order. Thankfully with the friend moving in, the money he will pay us will help. 

Honestly I don't know how to budget and such. I am horrid with money. For one thing before like 2-3 years ago I never even payed attention to anything money related like my entire life. So it is all still fairly new to me. I took over all the bill paying and I am great with that, making sure everything is paid on time perfectly. 

But with shopping and stuff not so much. I pretty much just walk through the store and throw what I want in my cart, within reason. I even make a list but don't always stick to it and even when I do it is still expensive. We prob spend near $180 ish a week at the store for just us two. Where does all that go? I have no idea. I just don't pay attention to what anything costs. If you asked me what one thing I bought every week from the store costs, I couldn't tell you.

I think partly my mind is just not grounded well for that stuff. I am whimsical~ lol

But that really has to change. I just need to make a list and stick to it and not waste money on silly convenience items. I'd like to get down to spending just $100 or less a week for sure.

- Anyways, Thanksgiving was nice. We ate early at like 3ish because we had to leave at 7 to drive home so my husband could go to work that night. Lame. Time sure flies by so fast. 

Dinner was great. It is actually really funny I don't really ever seem to overeat on Thanksgiving. Like my portions are either normal or small even. I think it is because there is so much stuff that I just take alittle of it all. Plus I am extremely weird and do not like my food touching (except the potatoes and turkey). So it means less room on my plate I guess lol.

The bad side is that MAJOR CARB OVERLOAD!!!! eek! Potatoes, stuffing, rolls, crescent rolls, & corn. Then ofcourse desert. All of my favorite things are the carbs too lol. It is not diabetic friendly at all. I think next year I might make a veggie dish to bring and not eat the corn. I don't ever even eat corn at home anymore. I would rather I get my starchiness from something else lol. 

Day # 7 Happy *Almost Turkey Day

I feel like crap. I am not completely sure why. Maybe I am getting sick, the subway I ate last night is messing with me or stress. Either way my stomach is doing cart wheels and refuses to behave. I felt just alittle off this morning when I first woke up but then in the middle of my walk my stomach just flip flopped. I felt so nauseated, it was awful.

I still finished my walk but it took me longer then normal. 32-ish mins on the track for a mile because I kept stopping and/or walking really slow. But I am proud that I didn't stop. And no worries I wasn't being nutty and pushing myself too much. while I did feel yucky I didn't feel like I was going to keel over or anything, I was ok to keep walking I think.

I thought maybe once I got home and ate it would help settle my stomach but not so much. Though I didn't eat super great either. I usually have oatmeal- I make a big pan and then eat the leftovers and ran out yesterday. I didn't want to make more since I am leaving today for Thanksgiving. So this morning I first grabbed a banana then had some cottage cheese because I was craving it. I usually don't like to eat any type of dairy when my stomach is upset, for some reason it just feels weird to me lol. Then I thought duh toast would help so I had some toast.


Anyways... I opened my candle shop officially. Yay me. If anyone is interested it is:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MoonFireWicks
http://www.moonfirewicks.com/
I only put up some tarts, melts and tealights. Hoping to get my candles up by the end of the week.


I have alot to do today. I need to go make some very healthy yummy brownies to take for thanksgiving and then we are driving to my inlaws this afternoon. So I really should get busy lol. I am just hoping my stomach calms down *prays*

Day #4- Weigh in & drowning in my mistakes

I am feeling so upset right now I don't even know how to start this off :( Yesterday morning I was on fire by that evening it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on me and I sat drenched, cold and sad.

I guess I shall start with the facts... a few days ago I made this chocolate zucchini pumpkin brownie/bread thing. It was good but I didn't cook it long enough so it just wasn't very firm. Even with all those veggies it was made from a box cake mix and high in calories. I had eaten the ends of it the other days and was left with the middle which was the mushy part.

Well idk what got into me but that afternoon I just picked some off the top and ate it then went back and grabbed a fork and began picking at the top some more. It wasn't binge worthy but it wasn't good. And it actually really wasn't even good so I don't know why I did it :(

I think eating it really did a number on my stomach as well because I felt as if I would die later. I don't know if it was just how much of it I ate (really no more then two slices worth) or because it wasn't cooked very well. It should have been fine to eat completely raw though it was vegan so no eggs in it even. But it did have alot of flax so eh idk. My body revolted against me and I wanted to die either way.

It doesn't end there either...

My husband came home shortly after that and almost the very first thing he says to me is order pizza. I actually being a good girl say no, completely shocked that he would even suggest that and say hello I am trying to eat better. He says fine just order me pizza...yes he really seriously said that. I go well I guess I could just order 1 pizza and we can share. No he doesn't want to share.

Now pizza is my arch-nemesis in eating healthy. It has to be my most favorite food in the world. A food that I have often binged on. A food that I could literally eat every single day and never get sick of. Infact I know that there has been times that for like a week I did eat pizza every single day- order out, frozen, some pizza rolls or other pizza like items, etc... :( I am not proud of myself but pizza is most definitely my trigger food. And my husband 100% knows this....

I want to hate him for it. I want to be oh so angry with him. & ok partly I am because he should be more considerate. But I am an adult and I make my own choices. I could have said firmly NO. But I didn't. I could have also made way better choices with the pizza and I didn't....

I did order pizza. I could have gotten thin crust which would have been way way less calories and I didn't. I could have eaten 1 or 2 slices and made a salad to fill me up and I didn't. The only thing I did do well is that I didn't order cheesy bread which I usually do & eat all the bread myself.

So yeah I stuffed myself with pizza. :( I think in my head I was telling myself it will be fine you will just eat a slice or two and save the rest but I knew I wouldn't.

I am not saying I will never eat pizza again. I love it far too much to say that lol. But I can't have it around me right now. My self control is weak and I shouldn't be ashamed to admit that. I was really down on myself last night and when I went to bed I almost just cried, I wanted to. I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much but I just felt completely disappointed in myself.


~ But today was my weigh in day. And I seriously was scared that I wouldn't have lost anything or worse I would have gained. But I actually lost 1lb exactly. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

 I think that part of it may be that I am not eating enough calories everyday. I am staying on my very lowest range. I have that fear of if I keep eating so few now how will I reduce them later when I lose weight? But I know I am just afraid of calories & so it is hard for me to go so high (on purpose lol).

I think what I am learning is that while my fitness is going much better and I am learning to shine there my diet is still struggling alot. I have alot of issues with food/emotions & self control/willpower that are going to take alot of time to deal with.

My best bet may be to just remove all temptation for now until I am in a better place, a stronger more confident place.

Yet it is kindof funny because I bought halloween candy like in the week right after halloween and I still have it sitting there out in the open and haven't touched more then like 1 reese's cup once a day for a few days (& I tracked it). And my husband bought a ton of cupcakes (huge boxes of them too) & while I had a slight twinge of want I haven't touched them at all. (seriously now is my husband trying to sabotage me? lol) So there are things I can be strong with and just things I surely can not. I guess if I build up the NO attitude on the things I am ok with it will help me learn to say no to the things I have a harder time with and help me learn that I can say no. I do have willpower she is just a bit too quiet sometimes lol. But she is there!



This is already a terribly long blog post but I have alot to talk about still lol

This week is insanely busy for me! Tomorrow my husband is off work and we go shopping, Tues is his birthday we didn't have any plans but it is usually his day off but I guess now he has to go in to work some...& then Wed he got off and we are driving down to his parents that day, Thurs is turkey day and like right smack after we finish eating we have to drive back home because he has to go into work at like 9 to help set up catering that target ordered for their black friday stuff...

Seriously he has gotten screwed over at work. I wish he would stand up for himself more and say NO. He agreed to come in thurs so he could get wed off and then they are making him come in even earlier then he thought even though they know he is leaving town and no one else is... and then also making him come in on his birthday. He should have said no he couldn't do it but he was afraid they would make him work wed.

So I told him to ask his mom if we could do thanksgiving dinner more like a later lunch instead of having it at around 5 or later because we have to leave by 7 to make it home in time for when he has to go to work. And he doesn't want to ask because his brother/sister in law goes and does dinner with her family first and then goes to his parents so they are not able to do it until later. Which annoyed me. If they are eating with her family then why can't we all do dinner earlier then they come at their normal time and we can say hi and still spend time with them and maybe eat desert together etc.. they live in the same town we don't....

Anyways this week I must get all my candles up on my site for sale. There should be zero reasons why i can't. I figured out pictures, all of my tarts and melts labels are finished. I just need to finish making these last few then package them all up and take pics then get them up. I would love to also get my actual candles up by the end of this week but we will have to see..

Then next mon/tues our new roommate moves in. All the furniture has been moved and everything is clean so I will just have normal cleaning to do and such but it is still very stressful. I am going to assume the first two weeks with him here will be awkward but then maybe things will settle down some and I can just worry about everything else lol