May the positivity stick

I feel amazing like a star about to burst with joy! I am awesome & i know it! First I am feeling the positivity flow. That is a hard one for me. I have for so long drowned in the negativity. Where everyday I just put myself down. Now  I am on a different positive path. Sure I am not perfect and I am sure it will creep back up but I won't let it over take me. Now I fill myself with alot of affirmations. If everyday i fill my head with negativity and putting myself down I start to believe that, so it must work the opposite way as well- if everyday I remind myself how wonderful I am and with positivity it will "stick".

Right now every morning I wake up and while I am brushing my teeth, washing my face etc... I light a candle in the bathroom and look in the mirror & repeat- I am a strong, beautiful, confident Goddess who can take on the world.


*~* Today I did amazing fitness wise. I woke up and my plan was to walk down to the park. About half way to the street I would have to turn on to get there I began to chicken out. Doubt crept in whispering in my head that I was too out of shape and idk big scary fears. But I pushed them aside and without even a clear thought in my head I just found my body going. I turned onto the street and was like ok wow I guess I am doing it!

My body wants it. It may sound strange because I am over weight and sit on my ass all the time. But honestly I LOVE to workout. I love the rush of energy I get. I wanna hike and run and go go go. I really do not think I am lazy, I just think my problem has always been my fears, panic/anxiety issues and depression.

Anyways so I went to the park, and my plan was just to walk to the park then turn and go home. Small baby steps as I haven't worked out in forever. I was just well afraid as normal and didn't want to push myself too hard. Well I felt great when i got there, sat down on a bench and just enjoyed the park for maybe 5-10 mins then began to walk the track. The track is 1/4 a mile each loop.

I felt on fire. I liked my pace. I was all positive and thinking about how I could keep doing this and how I will start to run and how great that would be.

But at the start of my third loop it was rough. To begin with I woke up and rushed to leave this morning because I slept a bit late and in my rush didn't have a thing to drink at all that morning- eek. So when I got to the park I was already thirsty but as I walked my throat began to feel like it was on fire and I felt a bit meh. I really wished I had a drink. And ofcourse the park doesn't have bathrooms or a water fountain - lame.

My legs also began to burn a bit so I finished and decided to go home.

But it was amazing I walked 2.78 miles for a total of 63 mins. I think my pace is a bit slow. But I will build up! 

And I am learning alot. I have a huge issue with as soon as I set out walking way way too fast and then my muscles cry and I kill myself. I need to start off with a very slow walk to wake up I think. When i do then I go farther and last longer and am not in pain. 
Secondly I have learned not to just stop walking. When I stop, I first walk a bit slower then stretch. No more pain!

Now I just need to figure out if I want to bring a water bottle or just make sure to drink well before and after my walks. TMI- I have a tiny bladder and don't want to be out walking and have to pee lol. 

*~* Diet wise, well today begins my diet officially. I will track all that I eat and stay on plan and eat healthy. It is a bit scary. i know I can do it though. It is difficult and I have to be vigilant & strong but I can do it.

*~* Also today I have to take my youngest cat, Kit to the vet. He is just getting a checkup today so he can get neutered soon. It is so expensive and we don't have a ton of money going into the holidays meh. But I like this vet and he really needs some snipping because he has become a holy terror to the other cats, thank god he hasn't started marking yet. The last vet I went to was completely horrid though & it put me through so much stress that even though this is a different vet I am still on edge. 

Also today and tomorrow my plan is to finish moving the furniture & get all the rest of the trash out so it is all finished. Now my husband said he would help, but he is the worst about these kind of things. I am going to have to nag, and he won't feel like it. And then I will be pissy. 

I don't like waiting until the last minute to do things, if you can't tell I tend to over think & worry about things lol. If it is all taken care of then I can relax. Well we don't have alot of time until his friend moves in and this all has to be finished. next week is my husbands birthday & thanksgiving which we will be out of town for 2 days. So I want to get it done now so if I don't like how the furniture is at I can change it or if something doesn't work right I can fix it. 

I can do it all myself. Nothing is too heavy that I can't drag easily. The couch is the only big item to move and I can push it to a different spot in the same room easy. The desks are both super light. The only thing I am not sure I could do is figure out how to hookup the internet and cable in different rooms. So I wanted his help mostly for that. 

So I am praying that he is actually helpful. 

lastly my other stresser are my candles. I want to open my candle business this week. I really want to get it up for christmas orders. It is a bit of work but I know my real issue is pure fear. I can't let myself succumb to fear. I love my candles, I am so proud of them. I know my tart candle melts are absolutely amazing. My packaging and labels are cute. I can so do this! But it is a whole new frontier and new stuff is scary. I just dont want to fail, I don't want to be the only one who likes my candles lol. I put so so much money that we didn't have into this. I just keep telling myself that I know my stuff is great and that this is my passion and my dream and that is what matters.

So yeah the end of this month is insanely busy and stressful- DH's birthday, thanksgiving, thinking towards christmas, opening my business, some dude moving in with us, and on top of it staying on plan with diet & exercise. lol

And out of the darkness she shines...

I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up.

I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.

IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.

I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.

I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.

That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol

I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">

On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.

On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(

On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.

He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...


Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay

My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies

My Plan:

Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength

Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem: 
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.

I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.

2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/

 

 

 

With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol

No more Far less processed crap! I want to cook and eat real fresh food. I have some good recipe sites and I follow two blogs that I am madly in love with:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/

I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!

I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.

So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.



On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.

I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.

I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.

Tomorrow I will....

I say it so often it might as well be my catchphrase. Sigh, it is really not the right moment, life is kindof crazy, I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm depressed, etc... so tomorrow I will do it instead.

But that tomorrow never seems to come does it?

Lately getting back on track has been in my mind alot. I make some plans or say I will stop doing X and start doing Y but things do not fit in perfectly or I feel bleh and blow it off. Swear to myself that I will start tomorrow. It never happens though, because the next day isn't perfect either and I don't feel like it and say once again tomorrow it will happen.

Yet I do honestly know that there will never be some perfect time to start, my stars are not going to align and make it some smooth easy transition. I'm never going to feel good until I start doing things to make myself feel good.

It is hard. It feels so difficult to get traction. I feel like I am standing at the base of a mountain looking up and feeling so intimidated and overwhelmed and even though I want the reward waiting at the top a huge part of me is like ya know it is awfully comfy and feels safe down here why bother?

It just sucks.

I remember the quote - A year from now you will be glad you started today.

How right that is. I promised myself, swore up and down that by 30 I would have it right. I would be healthy and skinny and happy and have a grip on life. And here it is July, with the days/weeks whizzing by and I turn 30 this September. There is no time left to hit my goal.

I just want to cry and mourn for all the time wasted and lost. I want so bad to be able to go back and do it right and not keep putting it off. But I can't go back and mourning for what I lost doesn't help other then make me feel like crap.

I have to finally face tomorrow. Just do it.
It will be hard. I will probably have tear filled moments and times of pain and not wanting to do it and have to fight myself to do it. But I want so badly to be sitting in July 2013 and looking back and saying yes I said I would and I did it. I really did it.

Here I am not in any way shape or form ready but knowing I have to do it and that I want to do it deep down. I will do it. I am stronger then I think I am. I am in control of my path and it is time to climb that mountain.

Todays Weigh In 4/22

Well lately things have been up & down. Some positive things along with some more negative things.

First the negative to get it out of the way lol. I haven't really been paying alot of attention to my diet or exercise. I am very unfocused and not really trying much. I also ordered pizza & had an argument with myself over it and had some guilt, anger, negativity spawn from that. But I can acknowledge this and improve! This is a new week and I can do better.

On the positive side there is alot! First woohoo! I lost 1.8lbs this week. & that was with not doing great with the diet or exercise so yay there.

I have also been way less stressed out. I am really reconnecting with my spirituality and learning to be more positive. I tell myself everyday good, positive, affirmations. And whenever the negativity begins to creep in I drown it out with the positive. Even if all I can do is say over and over that I am loved.

I am beginning to realize the negativity and pay attention to how it is and when it pops up. I would berate myself and put myself down so much. And now when those thoughts begin I can see that I am just being negative and stop them.

It isn't all fixed and it is all still a struggle but I am headed in the right direction and I feel good.

I have also tried greek yogurt finally. I kept wanting to but put it off- new things are scary lol. It kindof reminds me in look, texture? of Sour cream. I hate sour cream. Like just the thought of it is just eww. I don't want to touch it even lol. IDK why...I am just weird. So it kindof freaked my mind out lol but it was really yummy actually. So yay!

On that same note of my weirdness, I had been craving hard boiled eggs & egg salad lately. Probably because of Easter & i didn't get any eggs during all of easter so that sucked. So last night I attempted to make egg salad. First off I hate making eggs, I always feel that I won't cook them well enough. Also I hate mayonnaise. Not just hate it I loathe it and do not even want to be in the same room as it lol. The smell, the look, it just makes me nauseous. Again yes I am a weird person lol.

But knowing that I am uncomfortable making eggs, and that I hate mayo why or why did I want to make egg salad??

No it didn't turn out well lol. It wasn't horrid either but I won't do that again lol.

Anyways- I am reaffirming my goals:

• Meditate daily
• pay attention to what I eat
• focus on smaller portions/eat slower
• eat fruits & veggies daily- with every meal
• exercise!

Healing

First of all yay me! I woke my tired butt out of bed this morning & walked my butt off. I walked down to the park and sat & meditated, then walked once around the walking track they have & then walked back home. For just a smidgen over 2 miles. As soon as I started walking I felt like crap. My muscles ached and complained. My mind kept giving me negative excuses that I couldnt do it. I should turn and go home, take a shorter walk, etc.. but I didn't give up. I pushed myself and made it. & I feel amazing for it. And once my muscles started working it became easier. On the way home I felt energized and even walked faster home then I did getting there & wasn't in as much pain. I think honestly it is far more my mind then my body that I am fighting with.


I have a few different blogs, one for my pets & then a spiritual/witchy blog. On my witchcraft blog I am doing this pagan blog project where you go through the alphabet and blog about different witchy related topics. This week was the letter H & for it I chose the word healing. I felt it was strong enough to cross post because alot of it has to do with my same old weight/health issues.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. Alot of it stems with control issues. I want everything to be perfect and happy & within my control. But life just isn't like that. You plan and expect a rose and you get a thorn. And while I Know this to be the case rationally I still struggle.

I stumbled upon this blog: http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/ that led me to this article: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I so suggest reading it.

"We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight."

Honesty ~ I have been hurt. I have been let down. I have been broken. I have been filled with fear. And more then anything else I just want to feel safe and protected. I can't move forward, I can't find my courage or strength I can't begin to heal...because I haven't let go of all that is holding me down.

I need to be able to heal, inside and out.

I have a black thumb. I kill plants :( But I have two beautiful orchids that are still alive! It is a miracle. One of the stems began to turn yellow and I read that it meant that it was dying. I needed to cut away that stem so that the plant could use its strength to grow stronger and bloom again.

I think that is the same thing. Right now I am throwing so much of my energy into my pain & fear that it is stifling my growth. I have to let go, cut away all of that negativity that suffocates me so that I can continue to grow.

Just as I wrote in the other blog entry I linked above, one of my issues has been that in my darkest, most painful time I have turned away from my spirituality, away from the Goddess.Instead I need to turn to the Goddess and begin to heal with Her. With hope, faith, courage and love for myself and the Goddess I can heal & grow.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I think healing is as simple as just going from point A to B. It takes time, & growth on its own. I kindof think of it as a descent into the inner most of my being. The dark cave where the Crone Goddess rules and has wisdom & guidance to share if you are willing to face the fear of the darkness and unknown and face your reflection. It is the journey to the underworld where you have to cut ties and die to be reborn.

• Acknowledging the pain, being honest with myself and baring my heart & soul.
• Forgiveness of myself and others and the universe. At the very least myself. Realizing what mistakes I have made & learning from them and at the same time seeing the things that were not my fault. That I was the victim and I can't hate myself for what has happened to me, what was done to me.
• They say that nature abhors a vacuum. I can remove, banish, release all the pain but I have to fill it with something positive in turn. 

I was reading eslewhere about a god box. Where you write your worries on little pieces of paper and put them in the box. I like the concept. I have this beautiful little candle holder that is shaped like a lantern and reminded me of the element of air. I just bought it and wasn't sure what I would do with it just yet. I will let it hold the little pieces of paper- my worries. I will take them and set them free.

I am planning some rituals for release & healing on the New & Full Moons.

Every morning & night I will pray/meditate and do affirmations. I spend so much of each day putting myself down, tearing myself apart, focusing on the negative. Instead I will focus on the positive, the beauty, love, strength, courage, etc...


*//* I created the above image from an Amazing site called http://www.wordle.net/ I love it to create words images for spellwork & it works really well for these positive affirmation words.

This site http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm#AffirmationGenerator has some great ideas & tips for working with affirmations.

This post was inspired by the Pagan Blog Project -Letter H