A better day

I have alot to say but kindof pressed for time ugh.

I tracked my calories today- woohoo! I ate not well, as in no where near enough. I am probably gonna grab something else soon but I doubt I will be over 700 calories today. Not on purpose. I woke up late and then started doing other stuff. i then grabbed a cheese stick and later grabbed some nuts and finally ate dinner but that just all didn't add up to much.

Yesterday I threw chicken in the crockpot with just water and spices and let it sit all day. Then pulled it apart with forks, it was actually literally just falling apart lol. Then weighed it out into 3oz servings and put them in the freezer. So today for dinner I took out one bag and microwaved it with some peppers and a little spaghetti sauce & threw that mix onto a whole grain flatbread with alittle more sauce and 2% mozzarella cheese. It was really good and sooo feeling. Plus it came out to only 355 calories, 37 carbs, 10 fat, 34 protein.  I love my idea for cooking once a week and having all my meals for dinner. It was really a great idea.

The bad is that I threw my sleeping plans out the window. ugh being good was right there in my grasp and I just screwed it up again. Why? Why do I do that?? I ended up falling asleep in the chair watching tv then woke up and had to pull myself to get into bed at 3am. Then my husband was sleeping half on my side and he kept kicking me in his sleep. & my mind just refused to rest. I kept thinking about everything. Mostly daydreaming about having a job and my own money. I want to buy new bigger cages for my rats and birds asap. I want to buy one of those cat tree/scratching posts for my cats. I want to get a bookshelf and some of those organizing plastic drawer things. I hate clutter. I loathe it so much like nothing feels clean when it is so cluttery. and right now I am half living out of a plastic bin and all my crap is piled up on top of stuff because I have no where to put it :(

My DH and I just disagree on money alot. We do have the money to buy this stuff but he won't let me. I hate it. I feel so trapped and just suffocated by it. I want freedom. I need a job and my own money so so so so badly.

I didn't get like anything done today lol. I slept till 2, then talked on forums and did online stuff for like an hour. Then I played with my birds some. Trying to hand tame them. It is alot of work. Birds are stubborn. Then while I had the rats out playing I talked with my sister on the phone from like 4 till 6. Then ate dinner. How does time fly so quickly?

Anyways I WILL go to bed early tonight. I WILL wake up early tomorrow. I WILL clean up my house. It is actually fairly clean but the bathroom could use some going over and I didn't do the dishes lol.

I WILL keep track of my calories daily. I need to start working out too. I really want to walk but it has been icky weather so it makes me more nervous. :(

Things WILL be better. One day at a time. I feel so hopeful right now. I really love talking to my sister and having her it just gives me such a better feeling.

The scale does not rule my journey

So Friday I was flipping out & worrying that the scale kept going up up up- it showed me at like 213.8 or something crazy like that. I was depressed and discouraged but I channeled that energy into something positive to try harder and be truly focused.

But today was my true weigh in day. I stepped up onto the scale still a bit upset and feeling like the scale was my worst enemy. And what happens? I am down. I lost weight! 211.6 lbs. The exact weight I was at the week before, last week I had gained .4lbs and this week I lost it again. Weirdness all around. But I lost so yay!

But that once again leaves me at .4 little bitty lbs away from having lost 20 lbs total so far. That is just pure motivation. I think what is really pushing me is that I have done this before. Last time I was doing really good and got to ONEderland and was 190-something. I felt amazing and looked good. I was no where near goal and still overweight but I looked and felt so much better & so much more confident. When I could feel my collar bone and the beginning to feel my ribs. I couldn't keep my hands off myself- which sounds very weird lol- but I would just run my hands all over the bones like omg this is new yay! I can just barely feel the hint of my collar bone now but it is there waiting to poke out.

I think it really helps me to stay focused. I am really close to where I was before and I can do this and I want it so badly.

On that note and along with alot of comments on my last blog- NSV (non scale victory). I have to remember that the scale is not the be all. Our bodies are complex moody things. Who taunt us with jumping up in weight then two days later jump back down farther. I don't understand it- water, sodium, muscles, weird cosmic energy waves- who knows?

I read the forums and I read blogs and it seems like a recurring issue for so many of us. Being ruled by the scale. So easy to throw everything else out the window if the scale stays something ugly. It is silly and we all know better but that number just taunts us.

I would love to say that it won't own my butt anymore but probably next week I will be right here crying over it again. lol

BUT... I won't let it be everything. I will remind myself of every little NSV. Because it is all of those little tiny things that add up and make it what it is.

I am only on my third week in and yet I feel amazing. I have energy and this light, I just feel like I shine. I am taking better care of myself and my cats and birds and my apartment. I am happier. Bad things happen and usually it would have left me crippled and now I am finding it so much easier to shake it off and recover. Before I would lay in bed every morning and not want to get up. I had nothing to care about. Now I am getting up at 6am excited to get outside in the beautiful morning and walk. That in itself is amazing.

I won't always be perfect. I will stumble, trip and fall on my face somedays. But I will also smile and laugh and feel amazing.

One yet another note- must watch my sodium because it can so easily go overboard and drink more water!

Oh and I am also very excited about some more cooking experience I am having. I super suck in the kitchen but slowly am working on improving. I found a great website- http://www.skinnytaste.com/ and I made for my husband last night potato soup. Real soup homemade from scratch. I mean never in my life could I imagine doing that before lol. It was completely easy and really no fuss at all but still it is just huge for me. I am very proud of myself. It was also healthy and really good. I made it just for him because it does not sound like something I would like at all- I am very picky. But I tasted it and it was delicious! So creamy and smooth- perfect comfort food. And had a ton of cauliflower in it but you couldn't even taste it. Crazy. Tonight I am going to make two recipes from that site. A Skinny Chicken Parmesan & Baked Zucchini Sticks. Yum! Zucchini is my favorite veggie so I can't wait. Very excited to see how well I can do it lol