Day# 21 The blame game

I made bad choices & I know I only have myself to blame. I wish I could blame someone else. Make up some excuse about how it wasn't my fault. That I was out of control.

Sure last week when I lost 3lbs (yay!!) & walked my goal of 9 miles for the week I was all yay me. I am awesome. No problem acknowledging the choices I made then and even taking sole credit when I wasn't actually feeling that well and some of it may have just been water & not fat :(

Yesterday I ate nearly 1500 calories in croissants.... did you know how many calories a croissant had? Because I did not!

Hello my name is Aimee & I am a all things bread like addict. I seriously need help.

Skip the cupcakes, candy & junk food give me bread. It is a running joke even....

It wasn't even a binge, which I guess in the grand scheme of things is a good thing. Not binging is always good. Yet at the same time I just feel stupid for what did happen.

I just was busy & my schedule had been completely thrown aside and crumbled into a mess, all week really but will get into that later. I went to bed insanely late, woke up way late. I had to finish up a candle order for my SiL because my husband was driving down that afternoon to deliver them & also had to make out a deposit slip for him to drop off at the bank. I grabbed a yummy croissant- quick & easy while I worked.

Then I needed to update my shop with new candles and that meant editing pictures, updating descriptions and adding them all up. Doing a bit of networking.

Then Christmas -window- shopping lol. Browsing websites to try and find some gift ideas & then calling my sister and talking to her almost all day long on the phone about christmas and all other stuff.

By the time all that was done it was 8pm....I had only ate croissants all day. Only 5 even & was over my total calories for the day. Seriously do you know how many calories is in a croissant??!! WoW! The worst is that I just didn't realize really until the end when it just hit me wow you only ate these today, looked at the nutritional info...*cry* all day I just kept jumping up & grabbing it, saying I would eat in a minute but never really following through.

So to top it off my husband then came home & I made tacos for dinner. I ate 3 which honestly compared to normal wasn't bad but not really good either. And I didn't count calories but I am sure put me way way over my already overness. :(  And I stayed up until 1 am watching the newest batman movie which is super long btw.

bad choices abound!

This entire week has been that way though. I haven't walked at all yet. Which means I won't hit my goal for the week even walking tomorrow & sat. I have stayed up late every night & then ofcourse slept in every morning. The night before I ate horrible, went shopping at like 9pm got home & ate a huge thing of mac & cheese & a croissant and almost a whole doughnut.


Alot has been going on this week.

1. I just started my business all up & running. It takes alot of work. I also got my first orders. This has been packed full of emotions, fear, excitement and busy busy busy stuff.

2. My parakeet passed away Monday night :( Out of the blue and has been heartbreaking. Causing me to want to fall into bad yet comforting choices like comfort food & staying up late watching tv.

3. A whole lot of bad stuff coming up about my father. He is pretty much scum of the earth bad guy but people were discussing him on facebook & saying some truly horrible things. My sister got very upset about it. So it brought up all of the feelings and I was trying to comfort her. Really seriously now people facebook is fairly public, airing personal business there is not cool. Even more so when it effects other people. You might hate someone (& with very very good reason) but even the worst person in the world still has family & children. It is this very strange situation to be in. You can know someone is a monster but if they are still your father it is difficult to understand how you feel. And if you are not in that situation you probably can not understand. I will probably blog about this later I have alot of thought in it that I probably need to let out. But the point is it was a whole mess of stressful feelings & emotions that came pouring out.

4. Christmas...is ever so stressful. I am having this balancing act of figuring out how much money we can spend with trying to get the perfect most thoughtful gift for everyone & yet having some people just be far too hard to shop for. I am almost finished but the hardest people I still have left & still am lost.

5. My schedule has been totally thrown out the window. I stayed up late which meant I didn't want to get up at my normal 6am time. So I woke up late which then led to not being tired and staying up late again.... I didn't do my normal routine things which led to things just not getting done at all.

6. Stressful new roommate. So we have a roommate now & he is very very nice. But it is hard living with people.I will post more about that later. But it has thrown a kink in my schedule for sure.


Ok so well me being the smart girl I am have sat down & identified my issues. All of the things that have stood in my path, every curve, every huge rock, every slippery slope, every little issue that just made following my plan alittle bit more difficult.

I could now sit back & wipe my hands of it all & point my fingers and say it wasn't my fault. Look at how stressful & busy I was. I blame them. I did the best I could.

BUT IT WOULD BE A LIE.

I just read a lovely blog about lying to ourselves. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5155514 I think maybe it helped me realize that you have to be honest even if it hurts. Self deception got me to where I am and I am done with being here and feeling sorry for myself and blaming the world.

There will never be a perfect day where there is zero stress, zero busy stuff to do or something to take care of, zero food temptations, zero people getting in my way, zero laziness begging to win out, ZERO OBSTACLES. 

I might not get hit with everything at once (hopefully) but there will always be something. I have to either make the right decisions or let the blame and crap getting in the way always win, and then I would have already lost.



Part of me (probably the little girl with panic attacks part) wants to just sink down into a corner & cry right now. Because knowing all of that ^^ is fine and wonderful but applying it? I feel like a small child staring into the face of a huge fire breathing dragon that wants to eat me.

My entire life when something was scary or too hard I ran & hid and had a pocket full of excuses why I couldn't or that I would "later". How do you change that? Where do you find the courage & strength?

I don't have all the answers but I think I have some good ideas atleast.

1. I have to forgive myself. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. Honestly while I made bad choices, much of what I did was more not thinking or being prepared then just straight up choosing horrible options. So it could have been so much worse.

2. Learn from my mistakes. yay blogging right? I obviously know what went wrong. Hopefully next time I will either have a better foundation so that I don't so easily get knocked off and/or be able to realize it quicker and recover easier.

3. I made my lovely little schedule just for this reason. I know that one of my biggest issues is getting all distracted or finding a block in my path and wondering off it and not being able to get back so easily. I have to keep my schedule. My schedule is perfect amount of push to keep me focused on my tasks without being too rigid that I feel restricted or can't change things up if needed. So there is ZERO excuse not to follow it.

4. How to deal with stress? Idk. I could throw in a ton of good ideas here but in truth I just am not sure of a good way right now for myself. It will require more thought.


I guess in the end I hope this all sticks and next time I realize what is going on and can deal with it better. I hope it becomes easier too.

Day # 10 - Facing & understanding my fear/panic

Yay me! I went out for my walk today. Yesterday I might have hit a bump and let myself fall but today I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back out there!

I fished out my scarf and I think it helped quite a bit. It was still cold but I said just push through it. I realized that yesterday I just panicked. I have a panic disorder I should totally be used to this by now lol. I get nervous, scared, anxious, frustrated, etc... and I panic. I give up and run away because I just feel that overwhelming feelings and don't know how to deal with them. That is exactly what really happened yesterday. It was really really cold and I wasn't expecting that shock and it opened me up to negativity. It whispered that I couldn't do this over and over and then released the flood gates of winter and how I would walk in snow and ice and I panicked and turned around.

I am understanding it alot better I think. It is incredibly difficult to deal with it in that moment of panic, but if I set myself up with a strong bubble of perspective and energy I can push through it before it takes hold. idk if that makes sense lol But basically like today, I knew it was going to be cold, and so before I even left the house I prepared myself and  was like look you can do this, it is just alittle cold and you can push through it. So when I got out there and began to feel like all the negativity come up I was able to shoot it down right away.

I think that this is a VERY IMPORTANT step to not only understanding my panic attacks better but also helping to heal and stop them.

I honestly want to cry because I feel just so damn proud of myself. It might seem really silly but my panic attacks feels like they cripple me or a ball and chain keeping me tied down and held back. Doing an everyday task that millions of people do and think nothing of can stop me in my tracks as if I were facing my very worst fear.

So yay me. The walk wasn't that bad either. When I first started walking the wind was still coming right at me and I struggled to have a nice pace. I think the scarf really helped there. But on the street the park is on the wind was at my side and that made things way way easier and it wasn't bad at all. It was way darker then normal out, the sun was hiding lol. At the park the walking trail is slightly dipped down that helped with the wind and just the wind was what was really cold. And on the way home the wind was at my back.

But another yay- I upped my walking .25 miles. So I walked almost exactly 3 miles now a smidge of .0000 something more then 3 lol I figure next week I might up it .25 more or the next week depending.

** Diet wise I am still not finding my pace I guess. And it kindof has my stomach in knots, I think because half the time I am eating great and healthy and then I go off plan or binge a bit and it is giving my body whiplash lol

I really need to gather my focus there. I know it is all about babysteps to progress but this is not taking small steps it is more like only having one foot in. i don't have to be perfect, I don't only have to eat lettuce and pretend to be a bunny. But I MUST have the commitment and focus completely and truly if I want to succeed.

If you are not sticking to the path it is so easy to lose sight of it. So many times before when i would attempt to try again and fail because my heart wasn't in it.

**Today was also my weigh in and I gained 1.2lbs. I wasn't surprised because last week was very off for me. I am not even sad about it. And even if the scale isn't showing any progress I feel like my body is. I am beginning to feel the hint of a collarbone again. last time I lost weight like the first place I began to show was my collarbone and then shoulders. I loved it. I just kept running my hands over my bone lol. 

Anyways I feel great right now. I am riding a wave of confidence and pride which I hope to keep with me all day <3 a="a" also="also" amp="amp" an="an" and="and" candles="candles" cleaning="cleaning" do="do" for="for" have="have" i="i" in="in" is="is" make="make" moving="moving" of="of" order.="order." our="our" p="p" roommate="roommate" such="such" to="to" tomorrow="tomorrow" ton="ton">