Little Black Dress

My life has been a hectic mess lately. I have been up & down & seen some of the worst of myself & felt as if my entire world was falling apart. Through it all I am getting up, wiping the dust off & going to come out stronger & better for it.

Part of that is with getting back on track with a healthy lifestyle and losing this weight. I have been bouncing all around 200lbs but not dropping it really. I got down to 185 when I started my job but bounced back up to 196 with bad diet choices.

I keep saying oh tomorrow I will do it & then I end up stuffing my face ugh.

Well last week i was shopping with my sister & saw this amazing beautiful little black dress. The type you dream of & imagine your skinny self wearing. It was on sale...75% off! It was a medium (!?@!???) but I tried it on & somehow I was able to get it on. I could not breathe, talk or move but eh those things are overrated lol

If I lose 20lbs I bet it would be great on me. It is right now my goal, my motivation. I want to wear that dress.

At the end of January my husband & i will be reunited (we separated but have worked things out) He hasn't seen me since May. I want to wear that dress & have his jaw hit the ground!

So I have this last week & a half of Oct, then Nov, Dec & Jan to lose at least 20lbs though I would kill for 30.



It is hard. (duh) I am working my first ever full time job in my entire life & I am on my feet the entire time. I come home & want to just pass out. My dog has been great motivation for me to walk & I have the cutest girliest bike ever that I love. But making time & sticking to it has been rough + getting in the proper amount for it to even burn anything.
I long to be a runner but fear has held me back & a huge goal of mine is to start running.
I would also really love to do more strength workouts, thinking of getting a kettlebell.

Food is the hardest. I have such a limited budget & have never had to think so much about money before so it is weird for me. i am going back to counting calories. I am giving up soda. I bought a brita water bottle & will make good use of it. My biggest goal is to knock out all this processed crap & fast food and just eat real food. Lots of veggies & fruit.
I am excited & happy and looking forward to wearing that little black dress soon.

Life Turned Upside Down

Well things have been very crazy for me lately. I don't even know where to start.

I guess I can start with the fact that last Sunday May 5th, I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. Super fun right? Well I felt like complete crap & am still sick now more then a week & a half later. I went to the doctor & they were pretty much like get rest & fluids lol. I was so sick the first week I pretty much did nothing but sleep! I also has the worst earache imaginable but luckily it is not an ear infection.

Anyways that really sucked. Being so sick my apartment fell apart. My husband & roommate did nothing ofcourse....the mess stressed me out like hell on top of it.

Then this Sunday my husband left town to visit his mom, I was still sick. And he came back late monday night. I was pretty stressed over a million things & super worried about my ear because the pain was really bad & the last time I had gotten sick with an ear ache my ear drum ruptured and it was really bad & scary. I was mad that my husband still had not gotten the insurance fixed.

So anyways he came home and we got into a huge fight over stupid stuff. He was feeling sick too then so we were both sick and cranky. But the fight got bad....

He kicked me and then hit me. I was screaming at him to leave me alone or I would call the police and he told me that they wouldn't believe me, that I had no marks & i would then be homeless because he would kick me out.

Now I am not that crazy girl who is like my husband beats me and I don't see it. No u should never ever hit anyone but sometimes ppl get mad and hit other ppl. I've hit him. And he doesn't hit me so hard I have like black eyes or anything. But yes it was still unacceptable. I did end up having a bruise on my leg as well.

That night I almost took my life. I didn't thankfully, and glad I didn't. But it was a bad night. And the next day he refused to let me use his cellphone to text anyone though I needed to. I had a super sore throat and could barely talk, plus my ear ache made it hard to hear. And my phone doesn't have texting.


Anyways yesterday he got sent home from work because he was too sick and had to go to the doctor for a note saying when he could return to work. So he took us both to the doctor.

Afterwards my sister got a hold of me and I had already told her everything that had happened and she said she was coming to get me lol. We argued about it. It is a really difficult thing for me. I love my pets. I can't have children and my pets are my babies. I love animals often more then people. They have been there for me when no one else have been. Times I was at my very lowest, somehow my cats knew and came & comforted me. i can honestly say I would be dead right now if I hadn't had them to live for. On top of that I feel that I took on these little lifes with a promise to care for them and I can't just abandon them.

But talking it out with her I agreed I would go to visit...for a few months. IDK how long...somewhere between 2-6 months I guess. I can take my rats with me. My cats and birds have to stay for now. I know my husband will care for them.


This all is so sudden. Next Thursday, May 23rd, My sister is coming to get me. She is driving from El Paso Texas to near Buffalo NY. It is a 30 hour drive with no stops! And she is going to try and straight drive that as fast as she can by leaving on Wed & getting here Thursday. CRAZY! Then pick me up and either leave right away & get a hotel later or she will sleep here and then drive back that night. I can't drive so yeah...it will suck but be fun too. Roadtrip! lol

I am scared but excited and sad all at once. I miss my family so much and being with them will be fun and great. But leaving my cats even for alittle bit hurts alot, I will miss them so much. Anything new is also scary. I am planning on getting my drivers license there and a job. Just try to get better and build myself up.

IDK what is going to happen yet its so scary.

Agoraphobia & Panic Attacks

I have been doing alot of soul searching lately. Thinking about so many things going on with me and how I am feeling.

I wanted to walk down to the store the other day. I made a plan to do it and felt good &; confident about it. But that morning came, I woke up and everything fell apart.... I freaked out and panicked. My mind flooded with excuses...the weather was bad, it was cold & snowy and super windy. I worried about money & if I would spend too much. I worried about my DH & if he would get mad at me spending money. I worried that I haven't walked in a while and would be way out of breath and feel like crap etc...

But I KNEW that they were all just excuses.  None of them were anything that could or should have stopped me. I knew i was just feeling unsure & scared and so I let it overpower me and I gave in to those feelings and gave up. But why???

I was looking online and found this agoraphobia online support group & there I also found this website:
http://www.paniccure.com/Approaches/CBT/Intro_to_CBT.htm

It really gave me alot to think about in terms of seeing how I feel this way.

"Panic is perhaps the most intense and the most challenging of all human emotions.  What is panic, and how can we best understand it?

Panic comes from the "fight-or-flight" response that all of us have and that has been key to our survival as a species.  In prehistoric times, when a saber-toothed tiger or neighboring cannibal tribe wanted to have us for dinner, the fight-or-flight response kicked in.  Instantly, we would have superhuman strength and speed, to either fight or flee."

It explained it like how we can imagine a fire alarm going off. And its loud & scary. Everytime it goes off it signals that there is fire and a danger. So it triggers all these feelings of panic, fear,  danger.

Ofcourse  there is no fire, no real danger or anything to fear. But for people who have panic attacks it is still so very real. Those same internal feelings that are saying there is a giant tiger about to eat you or your house is on fire = RUN! Are turned on even when they are not really there or any reason or cause.


And on top of that alarm going off, since there is no real outside dangerit spirals out as we search for it and causes the panic attack and fearing the panic attack or thoughts that we are going crazy or going to die. I will often think omg I can't breathe even though I am.

"Panic attacks are an amazing paradox.  For millions, they are the most terrifying, traumatic and painful experiences in their lives.  And yet, they are completely harmless. "

I think that is part of it that makes it so hard to have others understand. Because a normal person would be like yes the fire alarm is going off and annoying but there is no fire, everything is fine. But for me even if I can rationally know that, I am still feeling scared and panicked.  I think most people can understand that when you are scared it is hard to be rational. Like so many people are scared of spiders, it is not going to hurt you but they are not going to let a huge ugly spider crawl up their arm lol.

Panic attack symptoms:
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/panic-attack-symptoms

• "Racing" heart
• Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy
• Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers
• Sense of terror, or impending doom or death
• Feeling sweaty or having chills
• Chest pains
• Breathing difficulties
• Feeling a loss of control

I saw this youtube video that is not me, just one I found. The girl in it though is so right on with exactly how I feel during a panic attack. if I had to describe it, would be just like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft41WNPEEmg


I think one thing from that site though that I really loved and actually made me cry when I read it was this:

"Panic is a fascinating and very odd emotion.  But remember, the fight-or-flight response resides in a very old part of the human brain.  Prehistoric times were very, uhh, colorful.  Without our survival response, we wouldn't be here today.  And in giving us the gift of our fight-or-flight response, our Creator was more concerned with ensuring our protection than with avoiding false alarms.

The most sensitive among us are the ones who get to experience the false alarms.  We can feel victimized, or we can use the experience to learn and grow in some extraordinary ways. 

We are members of a very select group.  We have repeatedly faced the most intense experience of fear that the human organism is capable of.  Anyone who does this has tremendous courage. 

You may not have “signed up” to become one of the most courageous people on the planet, but this is exactly what you are doing by reading these words right now, and by taking steps, day by day, for your recovery."

 

I just want to read those words every single day. So often I feel weak and like a scared little girl. But how beautiful to think of it as being strong because everyday I have to deal with fear and still go on.

The site also talks alot about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Which is very goal orientated and about taking small steps to learn how to deal with your anxiety.  I know I really need to see a therapist and deal with this and I need to fix my insurance to do that. I keep saying I am going to talk to my husband about it and haven't yet because I chicken out or think its not a good time.... I just have to do it.

It is so hard & so scary but I know I need help and I know I want to get better. 

Better Days

I am feeling a bit better. Not completely, there is just still alot of bad things there but I just can't do anything about them right now. But I think I can either sit and dwell on what i can't change or deal with that I can.

I love the serenity prayer for moments like this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

So I am CHOOSING to focus on my health & well being right now. I know everything is connected. I eat better, sleep better, exercise and I will feel better inside and out. I just have to take one step at a time and focus on the positive.

So this morning I decided to sit down and work out my diet. I want to get back into calorie counting, planning out my meals and working towards shopping on the cheap side + Independence by being able to walk to a nearby store and pick up some things without having my husband to take me.

These are all great goals I think! I really struggle at meal planning lately. Like it is so easy for me to get way overwhelmed trying to balance everything. I have to remember that it doesn't need to be perfect, go slow and improve as I go- easier said then remembered for sure lol

But I spent far too much time on pinterest, my boards: http://pinterest.com/moonfirewicks/ adding recipes and looking at other recipes lol I found some good stuff. I am trying to lower my carbs & eat way way more veggies.

So I got some this week all figured out diet wise. I also found out that if you add stuff ahead of time on spark & add recipes you can look at the grocery list link at the bottom of the page which makes shopping easy. Love that feature!

i am sticking with oatmeal for breakfast. I love it. But I am going to try it with almond milk & peanut butter. Help the carbs and adds some protein. We will see....

I am madly addicted to hummus & found a bunch of recipes like Vegetable Hummus Pita Pizza & Vegetable Hummus Wraps. I am going to make the wraps for lunch this week but I might actually use pitas instead of wraps because I think they may be lower calories/carbs?? I will check at the store. Tons of veggies though.

For dinner going to make some greek turkey burgers I found the recipe on spark even. & A quinoa salad on the side maybe.


My plan for shopping each week is to buy things that will last for the entire week's meals and then only buy produce for 4 days then on the 4th day I will walk to the store by my house and buy produce for the last 3 days. The store near my house is called Aldi's I don't love it and its tiny but hopefully they just have some nice produce and I will get whatever is available. 

The only other issue is the first shopping trip of the week. I can try finding everything at Aldi's but I don't think they will have alot of stuff. My only other option is to take the bus to Top's Market. It is a quick ride there but the bus is slower on the way back & can be almost an hour sometimes. So if I buy freezer/fridge food that isn't going to work well. idk yet.

I also worry about finding things I really want like I so want chia seeds but haven't seen them anywhere.


So anyways that is all good planning I think.

The only issue is that this week we are super insanely tight on money. Like less then $100 maybe until next wed the 10th....that isn't fun and I am trying to buy cheap stuff for the week but idk how much this stuff costs. My shopping list is like:
spinach, squash, zucchini, cucumber, red & green peppers, salad mix, tomatos, lemon, fruits, pita/buns, 1lb ground turkey, quinoa, hummus, greek yogurt, vegetable broth, feta. I have other stuff at home to fill in the rest. But we also need stuff like cat litter. & that is all just for me doesn't count my husband's food for 10 days at all....

So it is very discouraging where I just want to freak out and panic and throw everything out the window and live off ramen noodles and pbj until next week.

it is so difficult.


On another note I just wanted to thank everyone for being so kind and offering me so much support. I really do appreciate it so much. 

All Alone

I am starting to feel that I am completely alone & it really breaks my heart.

I am having really bad relationship issues. I am just not happy. I saw this thing someone posted on facebook talking about 12 signs your relationship is over: http://personalexcellence.co/blog/time-to-move-on-manifesto/

& reading through the list it kindof hit me that right there is my marriage.

I keep looking back at when we first got together and how happy we were & all the really happy memories seem to have been in the past... I keep expecting/wishing/hoping things will change, that he will change. Go back to how he was.

He used to be sweet, loving, attentive. But now he is just angry all the time. I feel like I can never talk to him at all. Not about deep personal important things, not about stupid everyday things. I ask him to take me to the store and it is a fight, I ask anything it is a fight. Like it feels like the sound of my voice is just irritating to him.

I get that he works alot, last week he worked 50 hours and his job is stressful and money issues abound. And then he comes home and he eats horrible, barely gets 6 hours of sleep a night and so is always feeling like crap & tired and cranky. And he takes it all out on me. He can be so mean and sometimes downright cruel towards me.

He gets mad when I call him out on it. He doesn't want me to call him mean....but he is being mean. When you make your wife break down in tears you surely are not being nice. But somehow in his head he thinks it is worse for me to call him mean then for him to be being mean to me.... No I don't think you get to be upset that I am calling you mean when you are really being mean! He just never wants to be shown negatively. You can't point out his flaws or mistakes without him acting like you are throwing him under the bus. He is just so defensive. And trust me I have tried everything I can think of to help, having a mature discussion without just throwing stuff at him and explaining all the stuff i did wrong too. It doesn't matter...

He is selfish and self centered, it is like he never ever takes my feelings or thoughts into consideration.

Like just for example, he never ever takes the cell phone to work with him. And I am trying(struggling) to change my sleeping habits and wake up early. This is very important to me and very difficult. I have been using the cell phone for an alarm clock.

Yesterday he decided to take the phone..he opened so was up before me & he just takes the phone. Knowing full completely well I was using it. My issue wasn't that he took it, but that he couldn't have reset the real alarm clock for me? Or at the very least wake me up to say hey I am taking the phone?

So when he gets home I try to talk to him about it saying it upset me and he flips out and screams at me over it. Basically saying that he just doesn't care.

The issue isn't even the real problem but that he just doesn't care that he upset me or messed up my day at all.

I want someone to care about me. To be there for me. To make me a better person and bring about the best from me. He seems to bring out the worst.

Everytime I am around him it is just this negative aura that just puts me in this bad/upset mood as well.

& it makes everything so so much more difficult. I am trying to be healthy, trying to heal and grow stronger. And it is so so damn hard. Every single day is a struggle. And everytime I start to do well, start to get myself on track he just comes through like a tornado and destroys me, knocks me down again.

I just realized that I think he was sabotaging my  diet.. and working against me. & just like the entire insurance issue. My insurance has been messed up for almost 2 years now...only he can fix it through his work (i tried), but he still hasn't done it.... Why?? I am sick. Emotionally and Hello I am a diabetic I need to see a doctor. Why hasn't he done it? Does he not want me to get better? If I got better I think I would leave maybe he knows this??

I am very weak right now. I was being extremely suicidal. And I went to him and told him I was struggling that i was having these horrible thoughts and was scared. He tells me try to be happier...make a list of things you want to do...don't leave me I need you. Period the end. never to be talked about again...

I wish I could leave. I dug myself into this huge stupid hole and I don't see a way out. I have a panic disorder. I can rarely leave the house without having panic attacks & lately they have been so worse. because of that I can't drive, I can't work and so have no money or options of my own. My family is all in texas where I am in NY & they don't have the money to get me there or take care of me either. I wouldn't even want to do that to them.

 A few weeks ago we had a huge fight and it was like 2am & I just got dressed and took off walking. I walked 6 miles and the entire time it was a huge downpour of rain. Like so much rain that it soaked through my hoodie and to my shirt underneath. I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't even grab my purse or phone. I just kept walking and walking not wanting to turn around and go home. I felt like a kid running away from home. When i did get home it was after 5am. I was so cold I just had to curl up in the bottom of the hot shower shaking. Wasn't smart or fun. 

I just am stuck all alone. All by myself with no one to rely on. I know if I want to get out of this mess I have to be strong, I have to get healthy- physically & mentally.But it is so hard when people around you are working against you. Sometimes I just think it is not worth the effort. I am stuck and never getting out of this mess and should just give up.


I am all alone though. I just have to focus on myself. Not on him or us or anything else. Just me. On what I need to be better. Maybe just try to never be around him as much as possible. Which living in a small apartment isn't easy. But just block him out when I must and not even waste my breath on him. Take a walk when I can. And just get stronger....

Willpower, Strength & Fear

Things have been very very bad for me lately. I just find myself in this downward spiral where things keep getting worse and worse. Like the skies are growing dark and gloomy.

I know a huge part of me wanted to just end it all. And another part of me just wants to hold strong to some hope.

I want to change. Not just my weight or health but my life. I am so afraid. Literally terrified of life, that I am not living but just drifting along. Letting myself go from one day to the next without effort, without care, without any spark of life. It is like I have given up and just waiting to die.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up each day and be excited and look forward to all that is waiting instead of feeling this fear and pain and wanting to run and hide or worse not wake up...

I keep "trying" but it feels like trying to start a car and you turn the key and it makes that awful sound but just doesn't start up. So I just give up and the entire thing repeats itself again and again like I am in a horrible time loop where it just keeps repeating itself in this horrible nightmare.

I have this giant wall in front of me. Each brick is fear & bad habits. I know I need willpower & strength and they feel like abstract thoughts that I just don't understand how to manifest and make real enough to grasp on to.

Somethings I know that I need to do them & i can make a plan, set goals, lay it all out in my head. But the time comes and I don't follow through. There is often no rhyme or reason for not doing it. idk self sabotage? or just idk.... It makes no logical sense to myself even why I don't just do what I know I need to do and want to do.

How? How do you do it? How do you make a plan and then the next day follow through with it? Even more so when life just throws a wrench and makes it all more difficult? When my husband is being a jerk, when there is unhealthy/trigger/comfort foods in all directions, when my roommate is in shower when I had planned to get in there, when the weather is very yucky though I am begging for beautiful spring?????

How do you summon the strength? Where do you find the willpower?

It all just feels like some secret that I don't understand. I look at these other people & wonder how they did it? Because really right now I am feeling so lost, like I don't even have a clue where to start. and on top of it all I feel so deeply alone. 

Why does it have to be so hard??

I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Just like a million different thoughts are buzzing around my head & I can't seem to focus. My stress is on high & I really just want to scream & shake it all off.



I have a huge focus problem. I feel like I have just been slipping down a mountain my whole life, grasping for something solid but not finding it.

I keep trying to get healthy, lose weight, exercise, get my life together and it feels like I just keep letting it slip through my fingers. I give up. idk why, I want it so badly. It is hard, ofcourse but it isn't too hard. I just feel so overwhelmed. I try to do it right, no perfectly, even though I know it can't be perfect. I just am afraid of failing. But how much sense does that make? To fail before you can fail...then you still fail. idk....

I worry about my diet. I try to eat healthy. But I worry about eating the right amount of calories, the right amount of carbs. I worry about not eating enough and then eating too much. Worry about eating the same thing everyday. Afraid I am not eating enough veggies, enough protein, too many carbs still, just not having balance. There is just so much thoughts and different ways to go about it and I just go into panic mode.

I worry about exercise. I want to be active. I want to run. But I worry that I am not doing things properly & will injure myself. Plus it hurts alot. My muscles fight with me every single step of the way & idk if this is ok, normal, bad & what to do about it??? I walk and I just want to collapse into a ball of pain. I don't understand. And it is not just after one walk, I am talking about doing it for weeks and weeks and still it is hard.

I watch shows like the biggest loser & read forums & it seems like it is so so so much easier for everyone else. On the biggest loser they were like 3 weeks in and ran a marathon, people who weigh more then me...I can't even run at all. I know it is a tv show & they have been working out a ton but it is the same on forums too where someone will come & like I started my diet today and ran... wth! I just feel like it seems so much easier for everyone else. Again I feel discouraged & I panic with if I am doing things right.

Then I am stressed because my marriage is just difficult. We have no money & it is stressful & difficult. My husband is stressed & taking it out on me alot. I feel like I have no freedom, like he suffocates me. It is just all too much.

I just wish it was easier. I will just keep pushing forward but I am scared. I feel so alone & lost. I know tomorrow will come and my focus will blur & I will have to fight to stay on track & fight to not panic & fight to just keep breathing. It doesn't feel fair.

I just want to find my footing. I am willing to climb my mountain and put in the work. I just don't want to have a path I guess. Not to feel like I am stumbling lost in the dark going in circles.