Things have been very very bad for me lately. I just find myself in this downward spiral where things keep getting worse and worse. Like the skies are growing dark and gloomy.
I know a huge part of me wanted to just end it all. And another part of me just wants to hold strong to some hope.
I want to change. Not just my weight or health but my life. I am so afraid. Literally terrified of life, that I am not living but just drifting along. Letting myself go from one day to the next without effort, without care, without any spark of life. It is like I have given up and just waiting to die.
I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up each day and be excited and look forward to all that is waiting instead of feeling this fear and pain and wanting to run and hide or worse not wake up...
I keep "trying" but it feels like trying to start a car and you turn the key and it makes that awful sound but just doesn't start up. So I just give up and the entire thing repeats itself again and again like I am in a horrible time loop where it just keeps repeating itself in this horrible nightmare.
I have this giant wall in front of me. Each brick is fear & bad habits. I know I need willpower & strength and they feel like abstract thoughts that I just don't understand how to manifest and make real enough to grasp on to.
Somethings I know that I need to do them & i can make a plan, set goals, lay it all out in my head. But the time comes and I don't follow through. There is often no rhyme or reason for not doing it. idk self sabotage? or just idk.... It makes no logical sense to myself even why I don't just do what I know I need to do and want to do.
How? How do you do it? How do you make a plan and then the next day follow through with it? Even more so when life just throws a wrench and makes it all more difficult? When my husband is being a jerk, when there is unhealthy/trigger/comfort foods in all directions, when my roommate is in shower when I had planned to get in there, when the weather is very yucky though I am begging for beautiful spring?????
How do you summon the strength? Where do you find the willpower?
It all just feels like some secret that I don't understand. I look at these other people & wonder how they did it? Because really right now I am feeling so lost, like I don't even have a clue where to start. and on top of it all I feel so deeply alone.
I know a huge part of me wanted to just end it all. And another part of me just wants to hold strong to some hope.
I want to change. Not just my weight or health but my life. I am so afraid. Literally terrified of life, that I am not living but just drifting along. Letting myself go from one day to the next without effort, without care, without any spark of life. It is like I have given up and just waiting to die.
I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up each day and be excited and look forward to all that is waiting instead of feeling this fear and pain and wanting to run and hide or worse not wake up...
I keep "trying" but it feels like trying to start a car and you turn the key and it makes that awful sound but just doesn't start up. So I just give up and the entire thing repeats itself again and again like I am in a horrible time loop where it just keeps repeating itself in this horrible nightmare.
I have this giant wall in front of me. Each brick is fear & bad habits. I know I need willpower & strength and they feel like abstract thoughts that I just don't understand how to manifest and make real enough to grasp on to.
Somethings I know that I need to do them & i can make a plan, set goals, lay it all out in my head. But the time comes and I don't follow through. There is often no rhyme or reason for not doing it. idk self sabotage? or just idk.... It makes no logical sense to myself even why I don't just do what I know I need to do and want to do.
How? How do you do it? How do you make a plan and then the next day follow through with it? Even more so when life just throws a wrench and makes it all more difficult? When my husband is being a jerk, when there is unhealthy/trigger/comfort foods in all directions, when my roommate is in shower when I had planned to get in there, when the weather is very yucky though I am begging for beautiful spring?????
How do you summon the strength? Where do you find the willpower?
It all just feels like some secret that I don't understand. I look at these other people & wonder how they did it? Because really right now I am feeling so lost, like I don't even have a clue where to start. and on top of it all I feel so deeply alone.
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