Stress sucks. I have NOT been doing so well. It isn't a full on avalanche but my feet are slipping, I have fallen a few times and I just am struggling to keep my balance.
Fighting a ton with my husband, is never fun. He is a very immature and selfish person. It is not all bad ofcourse. He can be amazingly sweet & loving. He always tells me how wonderful I am, how beautiful, etc.. Some things that he does is just so sweet. & he always gets angry that I only seem to notice the bad stuff and not give him any credit for the good.
But it isn't a point system and the good doesn't erase the bad. It makes me think of some abusive relationship where the guy will beat the crap out of you one minute and then the next is bringing you flowers & telling you how sorry he is and how much he loves you. Yes one thing is sweet but it surely doesn't make up for the bad.
My sister reminded me that the bad doesn't erase the good either. She is right but it is difficult to remember that. Bad things do seem to overshadow everything else. If something hurts it stays with you & eats at you, spreading and making you doubt other things. I guess my biggest thought is if you love me how could you be so cruel? How can you make me cry, know that you are hurting me, and not do everything in your power to stop that feeling?
I won't lie I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I watched Cinderella too many times as a kid...I was a princess & I wanted my prince to come along. Love was supposed to be these epic, passionate feeling where someone only thought, only desire was to make you happy.Romeo & Juliet, Twlight, etc... just love and nothing else mattered but the two of you.
And then I am like ok duh this is not some story it is real life and you have outside stress like money and work and bad days and on top of it we are not perfect ofcourse. But I still want that fundamental idea that love is just this amazing all encompassing feeling where my heart is yours and yours is mine & as long as we have each other then everything will work itself out and be ok. That if you are sad, I am sad.
And I struggle with wondering if I am being foolish or if I should hold on to that principle atleast. I have seen other couples where they are so insync & just love each other so much. I am sure they fight and what not sometimes but they would never do something to just be spiteful and hurt the other one. If they did ever hurt the other one, they would hurt to and do everything they could to make it better. So am I just settling and giving up??
There is a quote that says something like- if you can't love me at my worst then you do not deserve me at my best.
It is really easy to be nice & sweet and kind to someone who is happy & all smiles. It is alot harder to be the same way to someone who is upset, angry, having a bad day, etc...
How you act to that person when it isn't easy probably says alot more about who you are then when it is all happy, ya know?
So when he is being sweet & kind is when I am doing great & am happy already. But when I am upset, angry, sad, depressed, etc... he is not that same kind sweet person. He is a horrible selfish jerk. He can say the meanest thing & crush me, leaving me to just stand there bawling my eyes out & he yells at me to shut up & stop crying. Or he starts saying still meaner things to me. Usually leaving me to cry my eyes out and yell at him to just stop please.
It does make me think he doesn't care at all. How can you care about someone when you can see them hurt and not try to make them feel better or at the very least stop hurting them.
I am not saying I am perfect in it. I know out of anger I have said or done bad things. But I feel bad for it. I feel bad that I hurt him even if I didn't mean it. I am not so sure if he does.....
So idk..... I really just do not have a clue. Right now we are fighting about stupid stupid things. I do not want to get into it but mostly I asked him to do something for me that was small, insignificant to him and required zero effort on his part and that meant a great deal to me. That I told him was upsetting me. He told me no, without any real reason he just didn't want to do it. We then got into afight about how I had told him to do it and gave him an ultimatum. Which I did. I get it no one likes to be told what to do. I told him I was sorry that I didn't mean it in that way, really I was just trying to show him that if I didn't do X that it would hurt him in the same way him not doing Y was hurting me. I apologized but it didn't matter....
On top of all of that I am also stressed about our roommate. He is a drunk big time. He seems to be drunk 24/7. I hate drunk people. I don't want to be around it. I grew up around drunks, it is not fun. Plus I have panic attacks, when things are not stable I get panicked. It is not fun for me at all. A drunk person makes me feel that way big time. There is also alot of issues with my rape that already makes me on edge with men and even worse with drunk ones.
I want to stress that I do not mind alcohol. I think having like a glass of wine with dinner or having some drinks out with friends or having a cookout and grabbing a drink or having a fancy drink out at dinner is all fine. But I will never understand people who just drink every night at home alone.... I know so many people like this. I don't get it. I just want to be like grow the !@#$% up and stop acting like a moron.
So yeah every night pretty much he is just getting drunk in his room. But sometimes he comes out and is being a drunk idiot. I hate it.
Also he smokes. I hate smoking. I get it, I used to smoke when I was a stupid & young and I quit. Not only does it smell horrible, the smoke just sticks with you. I saw my father practically cough up a lung everyday from a life of smoking. I saw my grandmother have cancer and poison herself with it, she was on oxygen & yes still smoking! I hate smoking.
Now my DH told me that he would smoke outside but he has been smoking in his room. So I am going to tell my husband that he needs to tell him that really it sucks & all that it is winter but no smoking in the house. I just can not take it. I am in the living room, his door is shut and I just smell it and am coughing and my eyes water. I don't want second hand smoke, I really do not want it around my pets either. Rats have very very sensitive lungs.
But what is even worse? My husband is still smoking.... I saw him go outside and was smoking with him. He kept telling him he wasn't anymore.... What is funny is that way back when we first met I smoked and he straight up told me I hate to quit. He gave me ultimatums that he would leave me even. I didn't quit for him, like a year later I did for me. I get it, it was hard.
He tells me now that he will quit for his new years resolution. Which ofcourse everyone who diets knows that waiting to do something usually doesn't end well. If you really wanted to quit you would do it now today. He says it is because he has to work alot these last few weeks, but really like his job is going to get better? sigh
Yeah I am just pissed off and stressed.
So along with all of that...I have also been feeling horribly sick. IDK why Just almost everyday these painful stomach aches. They are very weird, like I feel nauseous like I want to throw up but without that throw up type urge. idk if that makes sense lol.
They were so bad I went alot of last week without really eating a ton and then I wasn't walking because of it either. It was hard to do much.
They started when I began to eat healthier. So at first I was like well probably because I changed my diet and I need to adjust. But they didn't go away. So then I was like maybe I am eating too much fiber too quickly. I didn't eat any oatmeal last week though and still got them. But I was eating whole wheat wraps....I am not sure if that could have caused it. But then two days I didn't eat any wraps or whole wheat and no stomach ache...? But it could have also been anything from the wraps maybe the dressing..idk.
To end this...I just want to lose weight and be happier and healthier. I really just want to be happy.
Fighting a ton with my husband, is never fun. He is a very immature and selfish person. It is not all bad ofcourse. He can be amazingly sweet & loving. He always tells me how wonderful I am, how beautiful, etc.. Some things that he does is just so sweet. & he always gets angry that I only seem to notice the bad stuff and not give him any credit for the good.
But it isn't a point system and the good doesn't erase the bad. It makes me think of some abusive relationship where the guy will beat the crap out of you one minute and then the next is bringing you flowers & telling you how sorry he is and how much he loves you. Yes one thing is sweet but it surely doesn't make up for the bad.
My sister reminded me that the bad doesn't erase the good either. She is right but it is difficult to remember that. Bad things do seem to overshadow everything else. If something hurts it stays with you & eats at you, spreading and making you doubt other things. I guess my biggest thought is if you love me how could you be so cruel? How can you make me cry, know that you are hurting me, and not do everything in your power to stop that feeling?
I won't lie I am a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I watched Cinderella too many times as a kid...I was a princess & I wanted my prince to come along. Love was supposed to be these epic, passionate feeling where someone only thought, only desire was to make you happy.Romeo & Juliet, Twlight, etc... just love and nothing else mattered but the two of you.
And then I am like ok duh this is not some story it is real life and you have outside stress like money and work and bad days and on top of it we are not perfect ofcourse. But I still want that fundamental idea that love is just this amazing all encompassing feeling where my heart is yours and yours is mine & as long as we have each other then everything will work itself out and be ok. That if you are sad, I am sad.
And I struggle with wondering if I am being foolish or if I should hold on to that principle atleast. I have seen other couples where they are so insync & just love each other so much. I am sure they fight and what not sometimes but they would never do something to just be spiteful and hurt the other one. If they did ever hurt the other one, they would hurt to and do everything they could to make it better. So am I just settling and giving up??
There is a quote that says something like- if you can't love me at my worst then you do not deserve me at my best.
It is really easy to be nice & sweet and kind to someone who is happy & all smiles. It is alot harder to be the same way to someone who is upset, angry, having a bad day, etc...
How you act to that person when it isn't easy probably says alot more about who you are then when it is all happy, ya know?
So when he is being sweet & kind is when I am doing great & am happy already. But when I am upset, angry, sad, depressed, etc... he is not that same kind sweet person. He is a horrible selfish jerk. He can say the meanest thing & crush me, leaving me to just stand there bawling my eyes out & he yells at me to shut up & stop crying. Or he starts saying still meaner things to me. Usually leaving me to cry my eyes out and yell at him to just stop please.
It does make me think he doesn't care at all. How can you care about someone when you can see them hurt and not try to make them feel better or at the very least stop hurting them.
I am not saying I am perfect in it. I know out of anger I have said or done bad things. But I feel bad for it. I feel bad that I hurt him even if I didn't mean it. I am not so sure if he does.....
So idk..... I really just do not have a clue. Right now we are fighting about stupid stupid things. I do not want to get into it but mostly I asked him to do something for me that was small, insignificant to him and required zero effort on his part and that meant a great deal to me. That I told him was upsetting me. He told me no, without any real reason he just didn't want to do it. We then got into afight about how I had told him to do it and gave him an ultimatum. Which I did. I get it no one likes to be told what to do. I told him I was sorry that I didn't mean it in that way, really I was just trying to show him that if I didn't do X that it would hurt him in the same way him not doing Y was hurting me. I apologized but it didn't matter....
On top of all of that I am also stressed about our roommate. He is a drunk big time. He seems to be drunk 24/7. I hate drunk people. I don't want to be around it. I grew up around drunks, it is not fun. Plus I have panic attacks, when things are not stable I get panicked. It is not fun for me at all. A drunk person makes me feel that way big time. There is also alot of issues with my rape that already makes me on edge with men and even worse with drunk ones.
I want to stress that I do not mind alcohol. I think having like a glass of wine with dinner or having some drinks out with friends or having a cookout and grabbing a drink or having a fancy drink out at dinner is all fine. But I will never understand people who just drink every night at home alone.... I know so many people like this. I don't get it. I just want to be like grow the !@#$% up and stop acting like a moron.
So yeah every night pretty much he is just getting drunk in his room. But sometimes he comes out and is being a drunk idiot. I hate it.
Also he smokes. I hate smoking. I get it, I used to smoke when I was a stupid & young and I quit. Not only does it smell horrible, the smoke just sticks with you. I saw my father practically cough up a lung everyday from a life of smoking. I saw my grandmother have cancer and poison herself with it, she was on oxygen & yes still smoking! I hate smoking.
Now my DH told me that he would smoke outside but he has been smoking in his room. So I am going to tell my husband that he needs to tell him that really it sucks & all that it is winter but no smoking in the house. I just can not take it. I am in the living room, his door is shut and I just smell it and am coughing and my eyes water. I don't want second hand smoke, I really do not want it around my pets either. Rats have very very sensitive lungs.
But what is even worse? My husband is still smoking.... I saw him go outside and was smoking with him. He kept telling him he wasn't anymore.... What is funny is that way back when we first met I smoked and he straight up told me I hate to quit. He gave me ultimatums that he would leave me even. I didn't quit for him, like a year later I did for me. I get it, it was hard.
He tells me now that he will quit for his new years resolution. Which ofcourse everyone who diets knows that waiting to do something usually doesn't end well. If you really wanted to quit you would do it now today. He says it is because he has to work alot these last few weeks, but really like his job is going to get better? sigh
Yeah I am just pissed off and stressed.
So along with all of that...I have also been feeling horribly sick. IDK why Just almost everyday these painful stomach aches. They are very weird, like I feel nauseous like I want to throw up but without that throw up type urge. idk if that makes sense lol.
They were so bad I went alot of last week without really eating a ton and then I wasn't walking because of it either. It was hard to do much.
They started when I began to eat healthier. So at first I was like well probably because I changed my diet and I need to adjust. But they didn't go away. So then I was like maybe I am eating too much fiber too quickly. I didn't eat any oatmeal last week though and still got them. But I was eating whole wheat wraps....I am not sure if that could have caused it. But then two days I didn't eat any wraps or whole wheat and no stomach ache...? But it could have also been anything from the wraps maybe the dressing..idk.
To end this...I just want to lose weight and be happier and healthier. I really just want to be happy.
0 comments:
Post a Comment