I haven't written in awhile, even when things were feeling good and I wanted to write I didn't. When I write somehow the truth pours out so... Realizing only afterwards that I had recoiled into my pretend little ball of distraction. Letting myself have fluff focus on things that don't matter so that I could hide from everything that does. While at the same time making myself feel like everything is ok.
I feel completely insane. I feel like the walls are slipping away & I am in a furry to hold on to anything but at any moment I will lose any grip I had on reality.
I had gotten my sleep on track. yay! I was going to bed early, waking up early, and I felt great. On top of it the weather had shifted to a gentle warmth- I opened all the windows in my apartment, the sun, fresh air and a gentle breeze drifted in. Everything felt perfect.
I didn't take hold though. I was so happy on the outside but I wouldn't let it sink any deeper. For some reason i felt more fragile then ever. It makes sense in some way- like if you have this fragile glass vase you can pack it up and keep it protected but if you have it out and about it will surely be broken. I think that is the logic that was filling my head, that everything felt too perfect and in any moment it would all break.
So apparently now even when things are good I worry about the bad.... Did I mention that I felt insane??
But it faded all away. Even worse all at once. My husband had a week off for vacation. he didn't get to follow all his plans because he had a horrid tooth ache issue. Him being home all day everyday and in a mess of cranky pain set my stress to high. The weather changed from lovely spring to hot very fast not letting us adjust hitting 79 in my apartment & felt stuffy with like no breeze I wanted to melt. DH wanted to turn on the AC but I wanted the windows open so badly. Then poof the weather was back to cold. Rainy and freezing had to turn the heater back on. And slowly I let my sleep schedule lose itself, having DH home made it more difficult to go to bed early instead staying up doing stuff with him until i was going to bed at 2-3am.
MY husband being home wasn't as bad as it could have been. We didn't fight all too much. But it awoken many things in me that I wasn't completely aware of. I am very lonely. Like to the point that it just hurts. I can go my whole day without talking to anyone but my pets and I am not crazy enough yet to think they make good conversation lol. I barely talk to my family on the phone- they all live far far away- but I dont call or text because I have nothing to say. Nothing in my life is ok and I don't want to talk about the bad (a bit hard to pretend it isnt there if I talk about it I guess). So I just don't call. I don't work and I don't know anyone. I have no friends at all.
And when the DH is home it is actually worse. Because he ignores me. Not on purpose but he just is kindof in his own world doing his own things and wanting to do what he wants that maybe he doesnt think of me. IDK we dont talk and if we do it is to fight.But we both play this game online and he will be doing things with all these other people and won't ever invite me along. The other day I was practically begging him to do stuff together in the game- run my new low lvl alt through stuff and he wouldn't. He said he didn't want to. And then two days later he bent heaven and earth to run a friend in game through stuff nonstop to gear him up and didn't ask me to go even.
It is just a game and it is stupid but I know that it does matter too because of the underlying issues. That I am lonely and I just want attention. I find I don't even know how to deal with it, I am not good with communication or dealing with people and I dont quite get these feelings or what to do with them. I will just resort to childish tantrums for any type of attention. On consciously but afterwards I realize how stupid I was being.
IDK what to do.
On the physically healthy side I am also an equal mess. When I was in that window of perfection I actually had eaten better then I was before but not great. And then this week I had decided I would do amazing and bought all good stuff. But instead I ate fastfood and binged in a horrid mess of pity party sadness.
I just feel so fragile. Weak and broken. Just this pile of nothing on the floor that everyone would just step around or over and ignore because I am not worth their time. Everyone talks about all this motivation and strength and courage and hope etc... but how do you summon that energy when this is all you feel like?
I felt like this empty vessel but I keep filling myself up with this negativity and pain, sadness, self hate. And I can't fit any sort of goodness into it until I empty some of that out. And sometimes I start to slowly just alittle bit and it takes every bit of energy and strength I can find to do it. But then I fall and so easily the bad stuff comes in flooding me.
How do you fight that?? When the bad is so easy that it just openly flows and yet the good you have to fight and struggle with everything in you just for a drop?
It makes it feel like it isn't even worth it.
And then someone will say- it is worth it in the end. But what if that never comes? What if I can never do it? What if everyday is this same struggle of me trying and failing? I don't think I can keep doing that....
It makes me want to just die this second, let it all go away. Maybe then I can have peace.
I won't. No. I will just throw myself back out there once again. But i don't think I have any hope left. Because just like I said when I started writing this post, I am always waiting to fail. I think of myself as too fragile. And even if right now I am ok tomorrow I will fall and lay broken on the floor. I am just waiting until one day when its finally too much and I can't get back up.
I feel completely insane. I feel like the walls are slipping away & I am in a furry to hold on to anything but at any moment I will lose any grip I had on reality.
I had gotten my sleep on track. yay! I was going to bed early, waking up early, and I felt great. On top of it the weather had shifted to a gentle warmth- I opened all the windows in my apartment, the sun, fresh air and a gentle breeze drifted in. Everything felt perfect.
I didn't take hold though. I was so happy on the outside but I wouldn't let it sink any deeper. For some reason i felt more fragile then ever. It makes sense in some way- like if you have this fragile glass vase you can pack it up and keep it protected but if you have it out and about it will surely be broken. I think that is the logic that was filling my head, that everything felt too perfect and in any moment it would all break.
So apparently now even when things are good I worry about the bad.... Did I mention that I felt insane??
But it faded all away. Even worse all at once. My husband had a week off for vacation. he didn't get to follow all his plans because he had a horrid tooth ache issue. Him being home all day everyday and in a mess of cranky pain set my stress to high. The weather changed from lovely spring to hot very fast not letting us adjust hitting 79 in my apartment & felt stuffy with like no breeze I wanted to melt. DH wanted to turn on the AC but I wanted the windows open so badly. Then poof the weather was back to cold. Rainy and freezing had to turn the heater back on. And slowly I let my sleep schedule lose itself, having DH home made it more difficult to go to bed early instead staying up doing stuff with him until i was going to bed at 2-3am.
MY husband being home wasn't as bad as it could have been. We didn't fight all too much. But it awoken many things in me that I wasn't completely aware of. I am very lonely. Like to the point that it just hurts. I can go my whole day without talking to anyone but my pets and I am not crazy enough yet to think they make good conversation lol. I barely talk to my family on the phone- they all live far far away- but I dont call or text because I have nothing to say. Nothing in my life is ok and I don't want to talk about the bad (a bit hard to pretend it isnt there if I talk about it I guess). So I just don't call. I don't work and I don't know anyone. I have no friends at all.
And when the DH is home it is actually worse. Because he ignores me. Not on purpose but he just is kindof in his own world doing his own things and wanting to do what he wants that maybe he doesnt think of me. IDK we dont talk and if we do it is to fight.But we both play this game online and he will be doing things with all these other people and won't ever invite me along. The other day I was practically begging him to do stuff together in the game- run my new low lvl alt through stuff and he wouldn't. He said he didn't want to. And then two days later he bent heaven and earth to run a friend in game through stuff nonstop to gear him up and didn't ask me to go even.
It is just a game and it is stupid but I know that it does matter too because of the underlying issues. That I am lonely and I just want attention. I find I don't even know how to deal with it, I am not good with communication or dealing with people and I dont quite get these feelings or what to do with them. I will just resort to childish tantrums for any type of attention. On consciously but afterwards I realize how stupid I was being.
IDK what to do.
On the physically healthy side I am also an equal mess. When I was in that window of perfection I actually had eaten better then I was before but not great. And then this week I had decided I would do amazing and bought all good stuff. But instead I ate fastfood and binged in a horrid mess of pity party sadness.
I just feel so fragile. Weak and broken. Just this pile of nothing on the floor that everyone would just step around or over and ignore because I am not worth their time. Everyone talks about all this motivation and strength and courage and hope etc... but how do you summon that energy when this is all you feel like?
I felt like this empty vessel but I keep filling myself up with this negativity and pain, sadness, self hate. And I can't fit any sort of goodness into it until I empty some of that out. And sometimes I start to slowly just alittle bit and it takes every bit of energy and strength I can find to do it. But then I fall and so easily the bad stuff comes in flooding me.
How do you fight that?? When the bad is so easy that it just openly flows and yet the good you have to fight and struggle with everything in you just for a drop?
It makes it feel like it isn't even worth it.
And then someone will say- it is worth it in the end. But what if that never comes? What if I can never do it? What if everyday is this same struggle of me trying and failing? I don't think I can keep doing that....
It makes me want to just die this second, let it all go away. Maybe then I can have peace.
I won't. No. I will just throw myself back out there once again. But i don't think I have any hope left. Because just like I said when I started writing this post, I am always waiting to fail. I think of myself as too fragile. And even if right now I am ok tomorrow I will fall and lay broken on the floor. I am just waiting until one day when its finally too much and I can't get back up.
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