I am not really doing all that well. It is a struggle. Each day, each moment. My biggest issue is control. IDK why but I have deep issues with control. That is why I have my panic attacks, why I can barely leave my apartment. I can't control the world. I can't control what happens and it makes everything feel like a chaotic, scary overwhelming mess.
I was reading a comment left on my last blog over and over and over again. Such wise words she left me.I can't control every little thing but there are things I can control and there are things I can do to make a difference. If I make one change, or even do one thing right it won't in any way line up everything else into perfection but I will feel better in that moment and it can make tomorrow alittle bit better too.
It is just hard to realize that at times.
I feel horribly sick and I know beyond a doubt it is all because of how I am treating myself and my body. I am making myself sick. I want to feel better and by happier.
I am once again finding my spirituality. I am reading tarot and I meditated and prayed. I just sat in my dark bedroom and prayed and cried and it felt amazing. My cat even came and sat next to me and meowed and purred and kissed my tears (are pets not amazing or what?).
I just told myself, ya know everything feels like complete crap. I don't completely understand or know why. All I want to do is curl up and cry right now. I can't control all of my stressers. But I can control some things. I can control if I get up and go do laundry that I have put off for four days now. I can go do the dishes that I have also put off. I can do these things. And they will make a difference, a small one but still a difference.
I am stressed because I don't know what is going on with my husband's job. He says he is going to be fired.
I am stressed because of stupid Easter. We are going to travel to visit my inlaws. I love them alot I really truly do. But it is so difficult for me. I try to explain it and no one understands. Being around nice people who you like- how can that be a bad thing? But I will be in full panic attack mode all day and if someone so much as looks at me wrong I could burst into tears. Not to mention their normal Easter dinner is all things I would never eat. So either I feel left out or they make something else and I feel guilty. On top of it my husband will probably not be understanding or sweet and leave me alone, ignore me, ditch me, or spend way too much time saying goodbye so that we leave late- all making it about 300% harder on me. I understand that he doesn't get how I am feeling or what I am going through completely but we have been together a long time now, we have been through all of this you would think he would get it and try to work with me. sigh
Also two places are hiring near me. I really want a job for oh so many reasons- my own money being the #1 lol. But I am so scared you don't even know to just put in an application. Plus if I do and my DH loses his job then eh what if we have to move idk.
Anyways.... I am trying to be calmer and just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. I am going to eat healthier & just try to be happier.
I was reading a comment left on my last blog over and over and over again. Such wise words she left me.I can't control every little thing but there are things I can control and there are things I can do to make a difference. If I make one change, or even do one thing right it won't in any way line up everything else into perfection but I will feel better in that moment and it can make tomorrow alittle bit better too.
It is just hard to realize that at times.
I feel horribly sick and I know beyond a doubt it is all because of how I am treating myself and my body. I am making myself sick. I want to feel better and by happier.
I am once again finding my spirituality. I am reading tarot and I meditated and prayed. I just sat in my dark bedroom and prayed and cried and it felt amazing. My cat even came and sat next to me and meowed and purred and kissed my tears (are pets not amazing or what?).
I just told myself, ya know everything feels like complete crap. I don't completely understand or know why. All I want to do is curl up and cry right now. I can't control all of my stressers. But I can control some things. I can control if I get up and go do laundry that I have put off for four days now. I can go do the dishes that I have also put off. I can do these things. And they will make a difference, a small one but still a difference.
I am stressed because I don't know what is going on with my husband's job. He says he is going to be fired.
I am stressed because of stupid Easter. We are going to travel to visit my inlaws. I love them alot I really truly do. But it is so difficult for me. I try to explain it and no one understands. Being around nice people who you like- how can that be a bad thing? But I will be in full panic attack mode all day and if someone so much as looks at me wrong I could burst into tears. Not to mention their normal Easter dinner is all things I would never eat. So either I feel left out or they make something else and I feel guilty. On top of it my husband will probably not be understanding or sweet and leave me alone, ignore me, ditch me, or spend way too much time saying goodbye so that we leave late- all making it about 300% harder on me. I understand that he doesn't get how I am feeling or what I am going through completely but we have been together a long time now, we have been through all of this you would think he would get it and try to work with me. sigh
Also two places are hiring near me. I really want a job for oh so many reasons- my own money being the #1 lol. But I am so scared you don't even know to just put in an application. Plus if I do and my DH loses his job then eh what if we have to move idk.
Anyways.... I am trying to be calmer and just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. I am going to eat healthier & just try to be happier.
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