I have so much to write about, my mind is like all a buzz. Lets see if I can roll this all out in some sort of sane order lol
I slept in kindof late today. I could have gotten up earlier but I just felt like I was holding myself back. Fear is a nasty evil thing. Sunday & Mondays walk were easier (despite the rain) it was super early morning and there was like no one out and it was still a bit dark at that time. It makes me more relaxed. Todays walk was going to be in the afternoon. I live on main street so a ton and I do mean a ton of traffic. It makes me feel like I am in the spotlight. Ok really doubtful most people notice me and even if they did it would be for a sec and they would be gone never to see me again. But it still terrifies me.
So I filled my brain with excuses. I was to the point of tears. I panicked and couldn't do it. But I fought with every little thing in me. I just kept telling myself that I can let fear cripple me or just fight it.
Two things this morning really helped me the most. One I got onto spark as I ate my oatmeal and put it on my tracker. & a new friend whose other blog I read the other day so I followed them. They had a new blog up -which I won't link to because they asked people to not like it so they might not like links either lol. She is really just this amazing person so inspiring but her blog talked about how you see yourself the way you want to be & should be and yet you hit this wall where you punish yourself and fight with yourself. Feeding yourself excuses or negativity. It is like you are two different people or two sides of the same coin. This hit home with me so much. Like the days I do good and everything right- Hello that is me doing it. Not anyone else. All the things I want and am afraid of- that is all inside of me right now. I can do that. Even when a million little voices are in my head telling me no no no. In truth I can!
Fear is just so hard to fight. The negativity that it creates just eats away at you. It makes you feel so tiny and small and weak. But you are not. You are powerful and the only thing stopping you is yourself.
So reading that blog really helped me a ton. It just gave me that extra push to do it. Though I was still a nervoud wreck actually hands shaking even as I walked out the door! But I did walk out the door. I have to say I do love all my sparkfriends & their blogs. That right there probably helps me the most beyond anything else. Just seeing that yes other people struggle but they do it and so can I. I read them every day & it keeps me so motivated.
Ok also I got to talk to my mom on the phone as I walked. Love my mom. It really helped me stay focused & push the world aside.
Ok also I was extra brave and went shopping. I never go anywhere alone and talking to people omg! There are some stores around where I live. Which the last two places I lived had nada near it. So this is really nice. It has a rite aid, a pet store, a family dollar, a aldi grocery store and I also saw alittle used clothign store that might be neat to peek in sometime. So today I walked to the dollar store first and looked around. Sometimes they have cute little things there. I got a mug. One of the really tall ones I love those kinds. And a cat toy which my cats love and have been playing nonstop with since I got home- yes I am a crazy cat lady lol. & I bought some super cute yoga pants. Grey and pink- I love that color combo. They didn't have real sizes just large, xl, etc... & no trying on area so I had to guess lol. I chose well. They are alittle snug around my huge tummy. But so cute and when I lose alittle they will be perfect. Then I went to the pet store hoping they would have the cat food I get but they didn't. But I got bird food there atleast.
Anyways getting to the point... as the topic title suggests I had a thought about food rewards today. Straight across the street from my apartments is a little icecream stand. I have never gone there but I kept wanting to forever since we moved in here. Well today on the way home from my walk I stopped in before going home. I got a regular (they didn't have small) sized hot fudge sundae. And it was heaven. I only ate half of it. But divine! I was very proud of myself for the walk and being brave & felt I could plan it in and be fine.
I am torn though...I have read alot that food rewards are not a good idea. And I have always agreed. It seems counter productive. I do think having treats here or there are fine- key is moderation and all that but to use it as a reward seems like its just reinforcing the negative or whatever.
But then I thought maybe its because I see food as the bad guy. When it isn't. lack of self control is my real enemy lol.
I think back and some of my greatest memories involve food. I remember pizza & movie nights with my family which were so much fun. Ordering a pizza in and all gathered around watching a movie together. Cook outs where we would have hamburgers and hotdogs and chips. The few times where for the most part everyone was getting along and having fun.
I think the trouble began when I would move away from having that special occasion type food once a month and instead having it everyday.... Instead of having a normal sized portion, having 2 or 3.And never eating actually healthy good stuff in between it all.
More and more I see that it is all about balance. I take some and I give some. I won't be stopping in for ice cream everytime I take a walk or everytime that I feel I did good or something new. But every now and then it is ok to say hey it is a special moment go for it but don't forget to balance it all out :)
Yay me!!
I slept in kindof late today. I could have gotten up earlier but I just felt like I was holding myself back. Fear is a nasty evil thing. Sunday & Mondays walk were easier (despite the rain) it was super early morning and there was like no one out and it was still a bit dark at that time. It makes me more relaxed. Todays walk was going to be in the afternoon. I live on main street so a ton and I do mean a ton of traffic. It makes me feel like I am in the spotlight. Ok really doubtful most people notice me and even if they did it would be for a sec and they would be gone never to see me again. But it still terrifies me.
So I filled my brain with excuses. I was to the point of tears. I panicked and couldn't do it. But I fought with every little thing in me. I just kept telling myself that I can let fear cripple me or just fight it.
Two things this morning really helped me the most. One I got onto spark as I ate my oatmeal and put it on my tracker. & a new friend whose other blog I read the other day so I followed them. They had a new blog up -which I won't link to because they asked people to not like it so they might not like links either lol. She is really just this amazing person so inspiring but her blog talked about how you see yourself the way you want to be & should be and yet you hit this wall where you punish yourself and fight with yourself. Feeding yourself excuses or negativity. It is like you are two different people or two sides of the same coin. This hit home with me so much. Like the days I do good and everything right- Hello that is me doing it. Not anyone else. All the things I want and am afraid of- that is all inside of me right now. I can do that. Even when a million little voices are in my head telling me no no no. In truth I can!
Fear is just so hard to fight. The negativity that it creates just eats away at you. It makes you feel so tiny and small and weak. But you are not. You are powerful and the only thing stopping you is yourself.
So reading that blog really helped me a ton. It just gave me that extra push to do it. Though I was still a nervoud wreck actually hands shaking even as I walked out the door! But I did walk out the door. I have to say I do love all my sparkfriends & their blogs. That right there probably helps me the most beyond anything else. Just seeing that yes other people struggle but they do it and so can I. I read them every day & it keeps me so motivated.
Ok also I got to talk to my mom on the phone as I walked. Love my mom. It really helped me stay focused & push the world aside.
Ok also I was extra brave and went shopping. I never go anywhere alone and talking to people omg! There are some stores around where I live. Which the last two places I lived had nada near it. So this is really nice. It has a rite aid, a pet store, a family dollar, a aldi grocery store and I also saw alittle used clothign store that might be neat to peek in sometime. So today I walked to the dollar store first and looked around. Sometimes they have cute little things there. I got a mug. One of the really tall ones I love those kinds. And a cat toy which my cats love and have been playing nonstop with since I got home- yes I am a crazy cat lady lol. & I bought some super cute yoga pants. Grey and pink- I love that color combo. They didn't have real sizes just large, xl, etc... & no trying on area so I had to guess lol. I chose well. They are alittle snug around my huge tummy. But so cute and when I lose alittle they will be perfect. Then I went to the pet store hoping they would have the cat food I get but they didn't. But I got bird food there atleast.
Anyways getting to the point... as the topic title suggests I had a thought about food rewards today. Straight across the street from my apartments is a little icecream stand. I have never gone there but I kept wanting to forever since we moved in here. Well today on the way home from my walk I stopped in before going home. I got a regular (they didn't have small) sized hot fudge sundae. And it was heaven. I only ate half of it. But divine! I was very proud of myself for the walk and being brave & felt I could plan it in and be fine.
I am torn though...I have read alot that food rewards are not a good idea. And I have always agreed. It seems counter productive. I do think having treats here or there are fine- key is moderation and all that but to use it as a reward seems like its just reinforcing the negative or whatever.
But then I thought maybe its because I see food as the bad guy. When it isn't. lack of self control is my real enemy lol.
I think back and some of my greatest memories involve food. I remember pizza & movie nights with my family which were so much fun. Ordering a pizza in and all gathered around watching a movie together. Cook outs where we would have hamburgers and hotdogs and chips. The few times where for the most part everyone was getting along and having fun.
I think the trouble began when I would move away from having that special occasion type food once a month and instead having it everyday.... Instead of having a normal sized portion, having 2 or 3.And never eating actually healthy good stuff in between it all.
More and more I see that it is all about balance. I take some and I give some. I won't be stopping in for ice cream everytime I take a walk or everytime that I feel I did good or something new. But every now and then it is ok to say hey it is a special moment go for it but don't forget to balance it all out :)
Yay me!!
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