Things have not been going well. I feel so sick today. My head aches, my body aches. I feel so exhausted and worn out. I have this building energy in me where I don't feel I can contain it and any moment I will just start screaming out as loud as I can. I don't feel very sane today.
I started feeling all numb. It was this horrid feeling. It was kindof scary because I don't think I have ever felt quite that way before. you get upset and you cry. That is how it goes but I couldn't. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling. It was just this numb energy where I couldn't even tell if I was happy or sad or up or down or what. I thought maybe things were better but I wasn't functioning in any way. My apartment is trashed horribly. I couldn't push myself to do anything at all.
it took me a bit to realize what was going on with me. Maybe I knew the whole time but I couldn't bare to admit it to myself. Trying to protect myself from this pain perhaps. If you ignore it then it will just go away right?
I blame myself for all of this happening. I didn't at first. I was rational then. I was angry at him. He made the mistake not me. No matter what was going on he was the one who made the choice. But still this doesn't happen to everyone.
I realized because my plant is dying. My beautiful orchid that my husband bought me for my birthday. Every plant I have ever had has died. It was supposed to be super easy impossible to kill and look at me still fucking it up. Everything I touch... I am just a failure.
What have I done with my life? Everything I try I fail. I screw it all up. Way back when I was younger I told myself a million times I would work out and lose weight. And I didn't. It screwed up my PCOS, I have diabetes now and I am still sitting here falling apart and saying I will try again tomorrow. The two times I actually got everything on track I let it go. Slip right through my fingers. Failure.
I swear I will write. I love to write. I would so love to get my novel finished. How much do I have- not even a page done really? I say I want to be more spiritual. Practice my religion deeply and yet I don't. I say I wil get my license and learn to drive- I don't. I say alot of things and never do any of it.
And now here lies my marriage. I am a failure as a wife. Yeah I can blame it all on my depression. That I don't always have the energy or motivation to even get out of bed. To take care of myself much less another person. Who could be attracted to me when I am not. That it fills me with self hate so how can I give love to someone else if I don't have it for myself? I can blame it on the fact that I was raped and that it left me with alot of emotional scars. That some days I can't be touched.
Yeah I am sick. I have problems. No they are excuses. People can get through. They can be strong and push through everything in their way. I don't. I am just nothing. Worthless. I am a failure and I think I deserve all of this. I am a horrible person. I sit and whine and cry and feel sorry for myself and don't care about anyone else at all. No wonder... I don't love me why would anyone else?
I don't know what to do. I just hurt. I feel sick. I just will bury it deep inside of me and sit all alone in the dark and cry.
I started feeling all numb. It was this horrid feeling. It was kindof scary because I don't think I have ever felt quite that way before. you get upset and you cry. That is how it goes but I couldn't. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling. It was just this numb energy where I couldn't even tell if I was happy or sad or up or down or what. I thought maybe things were better but I wasn't functioning in any way. My apartment is trashed horribly. I couldn't push myself to do anything at all.
it took me a bit to realize what was going on with me. Maybe I knew the whole time but I couldn't bare to admit it to myself. Trying to protect myself from this pain perhaps. If you ignore it then it will just go away right?
I blame myself for all of this happening. I didn't at first. I was rational then. I was angry at him. He made the mistake not me. No matter what was going on he was the one who made the choice. But still this doesn't happen to everyone.
I realized because my plant is dying. My beautiful orchid that my husband bought me for my birthday. Every plant I have ever had has died. It was supposed to be super easy impossible to kill and look at me still fucking it up. Everything I touch... I am just a failure.
What have I done with my life? Everything I try I fail. I screw it all up. Way back when I was younger I told myself a million times I would work out and lose weight. And I didn't. It screwed up my PCOS, I have diabetes now and I am still sitting here falling apart and saying I will try again tomorrow. The two times I actually got everything on track I let it go. Slip right through my fingers. Failure.
I swear I will write. I love to write. I would so love to get my novel finished. How much do I have- not even a page done really? I say I want to be more spiritual. Practice my religion deeply and yet I don't. I say I wil get my license and learn to drive- I don't. I say alot of things and never do any of it.
And now here lies my marriage. I am a failure as a wife. Yeah I can blame it all on my depression. That I don't always have the energy or motivation to even get out of bed. To take care of myself much less another person. Who could be attracted to me when I am not. That it fills me with self hate so how can I give love to someone else if I don't have it for myself? I can blame it on the fact that I was raped and that it left me with alot of emotional scars. That some days I can't be touched.
Yeah I am sick. I have problems. No they are excuses. People can get through. They can be strong and push through everything in their way. I don't. I am just nothing. Worthless. I am a failure and I think I deserve all of this. I am a horrible person. I sit and whine and cry and feel sorry for myself and don't care about anyone else at all. No wonder... I don't love me why would anyone else?
I don't know what to do. I just hurt. I feel sick. I just will bury it deep inside of me and sit all alone in the dark and cry.
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