I just don't know how to function right now. I feel like I am in this heavy fog where I can't fully think clearly or understand. I can't even be fully sad anymore...just empty. I cry but it isn't even a good heavy deep cry.
I am a complete mess. I am trying so hard to hold on to my focus and goals and health right now. It is something I can control. But I am going through this loop where I starve and don't eat almost all day and then binge at night. How evil thou are pizza because you pretend to comfort me when you really make me feel like crap all around.
My DH is good at confusing me. Well really I think it is my own naive hopeless romantic self that is the problem. I want to believe everything he tells me. I want to believe that he loves me endlessly. We talk and everything feels like it will be ok. Like somehow I might make it through this. But the moment he stops talking it all falls apart again. Like as if I am lost at sea and one moment I have land within my sight and then next it is gone and I can't tell which direction is which. I kindof feel like that I have nothing to hold onto right now.
It just keeps wracking my brain. Horrible thoughts that punish me. The words he said to the other women. If he is lying...
There were emails from two women online from world of warcraft. He admitted to one but he said he couldn't remember the other and acted like he had no clue what I was talking about and said it was probably from the same woman- though the signed their emails with two different names and had different email addresses.... yeah that sounds right. Benefit of the doubt- maybe one wasn't really much of anything (the one he can't remember was(at the time atleast)(is?) married) maybe he really can't remember. Which is kindof horrible too. But I am a smart girl. And I put the pieces together and found out who she is. (also btw the interent is a scary place and I found out everything about this woman from a 2 sec google search which good thing I am not insane for real lol) But anyways she still plays world of warcraft. So I am thinking maybe he lied to me because she still plays...
I read over the messages again and again that were sent between his ex and him. Which is far past punishing myself and just pure torturing.
I think one of the hardest issues for me right now is how betrayed I feel. How stupid it makes me feel. That I had no clue. That I was probably talking sweet and being loving or giving myself to him when he was thinking about someone else. Sneaking off to talk with someone else. Thinking of leaving me for someone else.
I don't know if I can ever get over this. I don't think I can ever trust him.
I am going to see a therapist but I have to wait for him to fix the insurance. Right now he is out of town. Probably a blessing. He had this whole vacation planned to go to vegas and blizzcon with his two brothers. He won't be back until wed 10/26.
He left tues. I haven't answered any of his texts. Which is childish of me. Let him think i jumped off a cliff or moved out.
So anyways... I feel like crap physically. As I said I was on alittle binge. I didn't walk the last two days though I planned to. Back to sleeping issues as soon as I had it worked out bleh. I took a walk today but ended up having to cut it short because my stomach was giving me issues. Some nasty mess of eating crap coupled with stress I imagine.
I am planning on getting to bed on time today and then also getting up at 6am to walk tomorrow. I won't even pretend to lie my eating probably is going to take a bit to get back on track. But I am going to keep walking and try to reign in my eating so that it isn't completely horrible.
I am a complete mess. I am trying so hard to hold on to my focus and goals and health right now. It is something I can control. But I am going through this loop where I starve and don't eat almost all day and then binge at night. How evil thou are pizza because you pretend to comfort me when you really make me feel like crap all around.
My DH is good at confusing me. Well really I think it is my own naive hopeless romantic self that is the problem. I want to believe everything he tells me. I want to believe that he loves me endlessly. We talk and everything feels like it will be ok. Like somehow I might make it through this. But the moment he stops talking it all falls apart again. Like as if I am lost at sea and one moment I have land within my sight and then next it is gone and I can't tell which direction is which. I kindof feel like that I have nothing to hold onto right now.
It just keeps wracking my brain. Horrible thoughts that punish me. The words he said to the other women. If he is lying...
There were emails from two women online from world of warcraft. He admitted to one but he said he couldn't remember the other and acted like he had no clue what I was talking about and said it was probably from the same woman- though the signed their emails with two different names and had different email addresses.... yeah that sounds right. Benefit of the doubt- maybe one wasn't really much of anything (the one he can't remember was(at the time atleast)(is?) married) maybe he really can't remember. Which is kindof horrible too. But I am a smart girl. And I put the pieces together and found out who she is. (also btw the interent is a scary place and I found out everything about this woman from a 2 sec google search which good thing I am not insane for real lol) But anyways she still plays world of warcraft. So I am thinking maybe he lied to me because she still plays...
I read over the messages again and again that were sent between his ex and him. Which is far past punishing myself and just pure torturing.
I think one of the hardest issues for me right now is how betrayed I feel. How stupid it makes me feel. That I had no clue. That I was probably talking sweet and being loving or giving myself to him when he was thinking about someone else. Sneaking off to talk with someone else. Thinking of leaving me for someone else.
I don't know if I can ever get over this. I don't think I can ever trust him.
I am going to see a therapist but I have to wait for him to fix the insurance. Right now he is out of town. Probably a blessing. He had this whole vacation planned to go to vegas and blizzcon with his two brothers. He won't be back until wed 10/26.
He left tues. I haven't answered any of his texts. Which is childish of me. Let him think i jumped off a cliff or moved out.
So anyways... I feel like crap physically. As I said I was on alittle binge. I didn't walk the last two days though I planned to. Back to sleeping issues as soon as I had it worked out bleh. I took a walk today but ended up having to cut it short because my stomach was giving me issues. Some nasty mess of eating crap coupled with stress I imagine.
I am planning on getting to bed on time today and then also getting up at 6am to walk tomorrow. I won't even pretend to lie my eating probably is going to take a bit to get back on track. But I am going to keep walking and try to reign in my eating so that it isn't completely horrible.
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