I am a complete and total mess right now. More then ever I am hoping blogging this will help me sort through all of my confusion and give me some kindof answer.
Yesterday I found out that my husband had cheated on me a few years ago.
I play the sims social on facebook and had a quest that only had a few days left and really needed some items sent to me asap. He was at work so I just logged on his facebook for half a sec to send it to myself. On there I moused over his messages & saw on from his ex. I didn't read it then. But it began to eat away at me and against better judgement I checked his computer history and found that he had not logged out of his email account.
I read his emails. Which I know was an invasion of his privacy but I am glad I did or I would never have known this. I admit I feel justified in it.
I discovered emails from 3 different women, one being his ex, & the other a woman from an online game we play together called world of warcraft. They spoke love and dirty comments and he had naked pictures from her. He told them he loved them. The ones from his ex talked about how he was having a crisis and couldn't decide if he wanted to leave me for her. And planning meetings with her. They were all from 2007-2009. Nothing sooner.
It broke my heart. I feel so stupid and foolish and so embarrassed.
When he came home it was 12:30 at night (past the bedtime i had set for myself) I confronted him very calmly. Not fighting or yelling but I cried more then I think I ever cried before.
He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it. He said that he never had physical sex or anything with anyone else. Just online stuff and that he had met his ex before but nothing happened. But how can I believe anything he ever says now? He says that he admitted to the rest so why would he lie about anything else? But he is a liar so that doesn't prove a thing, and I have hard evidence for everything else I have none for actual sex. And while it is all still cheating, what he did was cheating, telling another women he loves her is cheating sex is probably worse so there is that reason to lie.
He said it was all over back then. Ad nothing since. It was a time we were having a rough time in our marriage and fighting alot. It felt like he was blaming me for it by saying that. I asked him why did he end it the girl online he said things got better between us. But so? Relationships have ups and downs...if we have a rough time again he is going to cheat on me again?? But I asked him why he didn't leave me for his ex, why he didn't choose her. He said that he realized the same things would happen like they did in the past and that bad things would happen between them and they couldn't be together. Notice the very lack of me in any of that. It isn't that he chose me over her for my lovely qualities, he just didn't choose her. He said he went to her because things were so bad and that he had no one else to talk to. He doesn't have friends that he feels comfortable enough talking to and he doesn't talk to his brothers about that kindof stuff and he couldn't talk to me. Well guess what he still doesn't have enough to talk to so?? And he should have been talking ot me.
I also realized that the "bad time in our relationship" when everything happened with them was when I was very depressed and low. It was right before I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and then took the steps to get better, was on medication & prozac and was happier all around. Our relationship didn't get better, we still fight all the time. All of our same issues are there. I just got happier and less depressed.
I understand that my panic disorder and depression has always been hard for him to deal with. I did warn him before we got together but actually dealing with me is not easy. I have ups and downs. And through talking with him last night I realized that alot of the time things will be going on in my head and I will think it is obvious to everyone around me when he didn't really have a clue about it. A big problem we always had was that I would get really depressed and sad and low. He would think he could fix it- make me smile and everything would be fine and happy again. But I have a mental illness, there isn't a happy button that turns things around. He couldn't fix it. Him not being able to fix it would lead him to get frustrated and angry. Which led me to get more upset and to retreat- build up a wall and push him away. It was a nasty cycle.
Even though I can understand that it was hard for him. It does not give him any excuse to cheat on me. And it is not my fault at all. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart and I understand my role in the bad times, but we all make our own choices and he made the choice to cheat on me. That is all him.
I feel cheating is just such a low thing. It breaks so many promises and it is pure betrayal. If you do not want to be with someone- tell them. If you want to be with someone else- tell them. Don't sneak behind their back leaving them to be a fool.
Because I do feel so foolish and stupid & just embarrassed. The girl online i knew. I talked to her and considered her a friend. Even in one of the emails she mentions talking to me about personal stuff. Was I standing right next to him thinking everything was wonderful and sweet while he was having a conversation with her online telling her he loved her??? And the entire thing with his ex just burns. Because I always hated their friendship. But he swore over and over that they were just friends and nothing else. It would put me into a jealous rage and yet he would swear to me that I was being unfair and crazy and had nothing to worry about. He lied. I had everything to worry about apparently.
But it is all done now. Yet I don't know where to go from here....
How do I ever trust him again? Is it even possible? I already had major huge trust issues. How do I not spend the rest of my life wondering when he comes home 30 mins late where he really was? If he is talking to someone online who he is talking to?? I don't know if I ever can.
And not sound like a total bitch but how do you not throw it in his face that he did this to me? Not on purpose I mean but I know that it is there- everytime we get into a fight about anything how I not throw it in his face?
How do you heal this wound? How do you work things out and get better? Because no matter what it all just feels like a bandaid over a gaping wound.
Do I stay? Do I leave? Everyone keeps telling me that I am the only one who knows the answer to that. But I don't have any answers. I just don't know.
And worst of all how do I not fall apart completely?? I hit my mini goal of losing a total of 20lbs today. And I can't find any energy to be excited or happy about it. I feel empty. Like a huge hole has been ripped through me. I ate bad and didn't go for my walk today. I slept till noon and I had to literally force myself out of bed. I know none of that will help. Going off plan will not help and it will just make me feel worse. But it is hard to hold on to any kindof goal or focus right now.
My head is just a swirl of confusion. My sister said I could come and stay with them in Texas. That they would drive all the way up here and get me. But that would cost them a ton of money to do that. Idk if I want to leave or not. I thought about just maybe leave for a few months to think and get myself better without all of this mess. But it feels selfish. It would be selfish to my family depending on them and causing them to use up all that money to come get me and feed me and deal with me while I sleep on their couch penniless. It would be selfish to my life here. My poor cats & birds who I love so much and would have to leave here. Selfish to my husband who I would worry about but idk if it is right to be selfish towards him or not, if I should just focus on me or what?
If I go it might be for the wrong reasons - that I just desperately miss my family. And think things will be very easy for me. I don't have friends or anyone here other then my cats and husband. It gets lonely.
I still love my husband. I hate what he did. But I do still love him. But I am tied by what I think and how I feel. Whenever I read about other girls taking back their cheating boyfriends/spouses I would think how stupid they were. Once a cheater -always a cheater. I am a f!@#$% feminist for heaven's sake! I can't be one of those girls whose spouse cheats on them and stays like a moron.
I do still love him though. I think the real issue is how do I move on? How do I go through today and tomorrow and then the next? Because so many times in my life I just threw a blanket over bad stuff & pretended it wasn't there and moved on holding it inside of me and letting it eat away at me.How do I not do that?
I don't know how to have that balance of not letting it go(pretending it never happened)and at the same time not holding on to it (throwing it in his face/always wondering/never trusting)?? Can someone anyone answer that? Give me a plan, draw me a diagram, something.
I don't know what to do. I have zero clue. I prayed and prayed last night for a sign or an answer and I had a dream where I was living with my sister and we were playing world of warcraft and I was running late for work and so I had to stop in the middle of it even though we were at the last boss and have her drive me to work. I was super late like I had looked at the clock one minute and had 5 more mins and then the next second I looked at the clock and was 45 mins late. I apparently worked at the Cheyanne mountian zoo. Which is where we visited this summer when I went to visit my family in Texas & we all went to Colorado together. But before I got out of the car instead of my sister it was my husband driving me and I leaned over and kissed him goodbye but it felt awkward like I shouldn't have done that because I was mad at him. Then I got out and went to work and the rest was weird I don't really remember it, I talked to ppl about work stuff.
I have no idea what that dream was supposed to mean. I need another sign to tell me what the dream meant lol.
I just hate not having the answers, not knowing what to do or how to do it.
Yesterday I found out that my husband had cheated on me a few years ago.
I play the sims social on facebook and had a quest that only had a few days left and really needed some items sent to me asap. He was at work so I just logged on his facebook for half a sec to send it to myself. On there I moused over his messages & saw on from his ex. I didn't read it then. But it began to eat away at me and against better judgement I checked his computer history and found that he had not logged out of his email account.
I read his emails. Which I know was an invasion of his privacy but I am glad I did or I would never have known this. I admit I feel justified in it.
I discovered emails from 3 different women, one being his ex, & the other a woman from an online game we play together called world of warcraft. They spoke love and dirty comments and he had naked pictures from her. He told them he loved them. The ones from his ex talked about how he was having a crisis and couldn't decide if he wanted to leave me for her. And planning meetings with her. They were all from 2007-2009. Nothing sooner.
It broke my heart. I feel so stupid and foolish and so embarrassed.
When he came home it was 12:30 at night (past the bedtime i had set for myself) I confronted him very calmly. Not fighting or yelling but I cried more then I think I ever cried before.
He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it. He said that he never had physical sex or anything with anyone else. Just online stuff and that he had met his ex before but nothing happened. But how can I believe anything he ever says now? He says that he admitted to the rest so why would he lie about anything else? But he is a liar so that doesn't prove a thing, and I have hard evidence for everything else I have none for actual sex. And while it is all still cheating, what he did was cheating, telling another women he loves her is cheating sex is probably worse so there is that reason to lie.
He said it was all over back then. Ad nothing since. It was a time we were having a rough time in our marriage and fighting alot. It felt like he was blaming me for it by saying that. I asked him why did he end it the girl online he said things got better between us. But so? Relationships have ups and downs...if we have a rough time again he is going to cheat on me again?? But I asked him why he didn't leave me for his ex, why he didn't choose her. He said that he realized the same things would happen like they did in the past and that bad things would happen between them and they couldn't be together. Notice the very lack of me in any of that. It isn't that he chose me over her for my lovely qualities, he just didn't choose her. He said he went to her because things were so bad and that he had no one else to talk to. He doesn't have friends that he feels comfortable enough talking to and he doesn't talk to his brothers about that kindof stuff and he couldn't talk to me. Well guess what he still doesn't have enough to talk to so?? And he should have been talking ot me.
I also realized that the "bad time in our relationship" when everything happened with them was when I was very depressed and low. It was right before I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and then took the steps to get better, was on medication & prozac and was happier all around. Our relationship didn't get better, we still fight all the time. All of our same issues are there. I just got happier and less depressed.
I understand that my panic disorder and depression has always been hard for him to deal with. I did warn him before we got together but actually dealing with me is not easy. I have ups and downs. And through talking with him last night I realized that alot of the time things will be going on in my head and I will think it is obvious to everyone around me when he didn't really have a clue about it. A big problem we always had was that I would get really depressed and sad and low. He would think he could fix it- make me smile and everything would be fine and happy again. But I have a mental illness, there isn't a happy button that turns things around. He couldn't fix it. Him not being able to fix it would lead him to get frustrated and angry. Which led me to get more upset and to retreat- build up a wall and push him away. It was a nasty cycle.
Even though I can understand that it was hard for him. It does not give him any excuse to cheat on me. And it is not my fault at all. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart and I understand my role in the bad times, but we all make our own choices and he made the choice to cheat on me. That is all him.
I feel cheating is just such a low thing. It breaks so many promises and it is pure betrayal. If you do not want to be with someone- tell them. If you want to be with someone else- tell them. Don't sneak behind their back leaving them to be a fool.
Because I do feel so foolish and stupid & just embarrassed. The girl online i knew. I talked to her and considered her a friend. Even in one of the emails she mentions talking to me about personal stuff. Was I standing right next to him thinking everything was wonderful and sweet while he was having a conversation with her online telling her he loved her??? And the entire thing with his ex just burns. Because I always hated their friendship. But he swore over and over that they were just friends and nothing else. It would put me into a jealous rage and yet he would swear to me that I was being unfair and crazy and had nothing to worry about. He lied. I had everything to worry about apparently.
But it is all done now. Yet I don't know where to go from here....
How do I ever trust him again? Is it even possible? I already had major huge trust issues. How do I not spend the rest of my life wondering when he comes home 30 mins late where he really was? If he is talking to someone online who he is talking to?? I don't know if I ever can.
And not sound like a total bitch but how do you not throw it in his face that he did this to me? Not on purpose I mean but I know that it is there- everytime we get into a fight about anything how I not throw it in his face?
How do you heal this wound? How do you work things out and get better? Because no matter what it all just feels like a bandaid over a gaping wound.
Do I stay? Do I leave? Everyone keeps telling me that I am the only one who knows the answer to that. But I don't have any answers. I just don't know.
And worst of all how do I not fall apart completely?? I hit my mini goal of losing a total of 20lbs today. And I can't find any energy to be excited or happy about it. I feel empty. Like a huge hole has been ripped through me. I ate bad and didn't go for my walk today. I slept till noon and I had to literally force myself out of bed. I know none of that will help. Going off plan will not help and it will just make me feel worse. But it is hard to hold on to any kindof goal or focus right now.
My head is just a swirl of confusion. My sister said I could come and stay with them in Texas. That they would drive all the way up here and get me. But that would cost them a ton of money to do that. Idk if I want to leave or not. I thought about just maybe leave for a few months to think and get myself better without all of this mess. But it feels selfish. It would be selfish to my family depending on them and causing them to use up all that money to come get me and feed me and deal with me while I sleep on their couch penniless. It would be selfish to my life here. My poor cats & birds who I love so much and would have to leave here. Selfish to my husband who I would worry about but idk if it is right to be selfish towards him or not, if I should just focus on me or what?
If I go it might be for the wrong reasons - that I just desperately miss my family. And think things will be very easy for me. I don't have friends or anyone here other then my cats and husband. It gets lonely.
I still love my husband. I hate what he did. But I do still love him. But I am tied by what I think and how I feel. Whenever I read about other girls taking back their cheating boyfriends/spouses I would think how stupid they were. Once a cheater -always a cheater. I am a f!@#$% feminist for heaven's sake! I can't be one of those girls whose spouse cheats on them and stays like a moron.
I do still love him though. I think the real issue is how do I move on? How do I go through today and tomorrow and then the next? Because so many times in my life I just threw a blanket over bad stuff & pretended it wasn't there and moved on holding it inside of me and letting it eat away at me.How do I not do that?
I don't know how to have that balance of not letting it go(pretending it never happened)and at the same time not holding on to it (throwing it in his face/always wondering/never trusting)?? Can someone anyone answer that? Give me a plan, draw me a diagram, something.
I don't know what to do. I have zero clue. I prayed and prayed last night for a sign or an answer and I had a dream where I was living with my sister and we were playing world of warcraft and I was running late for work and so I had to stop in the middle of it even though we were at the last boss and have her drive me to work. I was super late like I had looked at the clock one minute and had 5 more mins and then the next second I looked at the clock and was 45 mins late. I apparently worked at the Cheyanne mountian zoo. Which is where we visited this summer when I went to visit my family in Texas & we all went to Colorado together. But before I got out of the car instead of my sister it was my husband driving me and I leaned over and kissed him goodbye but it felt awkward like I shouldn't have done that because I was mad at him. Then I got out and went to work and the rest was weird I don't really remember it, I talked to ppl about work stuff.
I have no idea what that dream was supposed to mean. I need another sign to tell me what the dream meant lol.
I just hate not having the answers, not knowing what to do or how to do it.
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