I feel like I am split into all these different little pieces. And as hard as I try I can't bring them all together. I set something up and find I am missing something else. So I work on that and something else gets left out. I strive for balance and I fall completely apart.
I feel just screwed up. A scattered mess. It is like I am walking this tightrope of sanity and everystep I tremble and shake and need to either catch myself or fall.
In the end I am just left wondering why it has to be so difficult. Why does every breath, every moment, every step need to feel so hard?? I wonder if it is like this for everyone? If so how do they do it? How do you get up everyday and face everything? Every single day you wake up and have to do it all over again but nothing is the same, nothing is safe. I have a new mess. An all new puzzle to piece together. But more often then not it feels like my puzzle is one of those annoyingly stupid ones of all blue sky. Where you can't tell heads from tails of what piece goes where. It just gives me a headache and I want to throw it all out the window.
I am feeling depressed. If you couldn't tell. The fact that I am writing this at 5am should say that I am still having sleeping issues. I can't sleep. Those moments right before sleep comes are my worst fear. The quiet calmness of night, free from all the distractions lets my mind wonder into the bad thoughts that I dare not face.
Obviously it is because I am not facing my issues. I just cram them down and attempt to ignore them. it is not working that well. But in truth even if I wasn't afraid to face them I wouldn't know how. Some things you just can't change so what do you do? How do you let them be ok?
What is worst is that right now I am just bursting with light and happiness. If you were watching me or talking to me you would probably think I was doing amazing right now. But it is a lie. I wanna die. I feel even when I start to do well I am just faking it.
One of the things I really loved about this apartment when we first moved in was that it is pretty here and there are these nice benches outside. I look out the window almost everyday at those benches and think about going and sitting on them. Maybe sitting and reading or meditating. I have lived here since July and not once have I sat on them. idk why exactly. I guess someone may see me or worse talk to me. eek! But I can reason that neither of those is actually scary. It doesn't make any sense to me. Here once again I find myself split into pieces between wanting to do things and finding no reason not to and then the scared little girl who will fight at all costs not to do it. And the worst part is I don't even understand it. How can I ever expect anyone else to get it if I don't?
I wanna get a job so badly right now. I keep thinking about it so much. But I am terrified. I wanna get a bike and ride it but I think I am too scared to.
What kindof life is this? I lock myself in my apartment all day not talking to anyone? Everyday slipping farther away and getting worse? I hate it. and I hate myself for it. and I hate that if I dare mention it to anyone they just act like it is so easy. As if I can just do it. Just face it. I can't blame them really. I tell myself the same thing and then I go to take that step and I freeze. I can't breathe, I can't think. I lose my balance and fall.....
It really sucks. I just want to wake up and feel like everything is going to be alright. Like everything will come together and be ok. And now I need to wipe away my tears and calm down. Because my husband woke up to get ready for work and I have to pretend like everything is fine.... like I am not some nut job.
I feel just screwed up. A scattered mess. It is like I am walking this tightrope of sanity and everystep I tremble and shake and need to either catch myself or fall.
In the end I am just left wondering why it has to be so difficult. Why does every breath, every moment, every step need to feel so hard?? I wonder if it is like this for everyone? If so how do they do it? How do you get up everyday and face everything? Every single day you wake up and have to do it all over again but nothing is the same, nothing is safe. I have a new mess. An all new puzzle to piece together. But more often then not it feels like my puzzle is one of those annoyingly stupid ones of all blue sky. Where you can't tell heads from tails of what piece goes where. It just gives me a headache and I want to throw it all out the window.
I am feeling depressed. If you couldn't tell. The fact that I am writing this at 5am should say that I am still having sleeping issues. I can't sleep. Those moments right before sleep comes are my worst fear. The quiet calmness of night, free from all the distractions lets my mind wonder into the bad thoughts that I dare not face.
Obviously it is because I am not facing my issues. I just cram them down and attempt to ignore them. it is not working that well. But in truth even if I wasn't afraid to face them I wouldn't know how. Some things you just can't change so what do you do? How do you let them be ok?
What is worst is that right now I am just bursting with light and happiness. If you were watching me or talking to me you would probably think I was doing amazing right now. But it is a lie. I wanna die. I feel even when I start to do well I am just faking it.
One of the things I really loved about this apartment when we first moved in was that it is pretty here and there are these nice benches outside. I look out the window almost everyday at those benches and think about going and sitting on them. Maybe sitting and reading or meditating. I have lived here since July and not once have I sat on them. idk why exactly. I guess someone may see me or worse talk to me. eek! But I can reason that neither of those is actually scary. It doesn't make any sense to me. Here once again I find myself split into pieces between wanting to do things and finding no reason not to and then the scared little girl who will fight at all costs not to do it. And the worst part is I don't even understand it. How can I ever expect anyone else to get it if I don't?
I wanna get a job so badly right now. I keep thinking about it so much. But I am terrified. I wanna get a bike and ride it but I think I am too scared to.
What kindof life is this? I lock myself in my apartment all day not talking to anyone? Everyday slipping farther away and getting worse? I hate it. and I hate myself for it. and I hate that if I dare mention it to anyone they just act like it is so easy. As if I can just do it. Just face it. I can't blame them really. I tell myself the same thing and then I go to take that step and I freeze. I can't breathe, I can't think. I lose my balance and fall.....
It really sucks. I just want to wake up and feel like everything is going to be alright. Like everything will come together and be ok. And now I need to wipe away my tears and calm down. Because my husband woke up to get ready for work and I have to pretend like everything is fine.... like I am not some nut job.
0 comments:
Post a Comment