Sometimes it feels like the entire universe is against me. Everything starts going well, I get a day or two of bright sunshine and a happy clear path ahead of me. Then stressers come at me from every angle and the sky is cloudy and I feel like crap. Things just fall apart all around me.
Part of it is just that I am not good with dealing with stress at all. I just want to give up, stuff my face with comfort food and lay in bed all day.
Right now I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Everything that is going on just has kept pushing me and pushing me farther until here I stand one foot step away from the edge. I have two choices here. I can either just let myself fall. It feels so easy & simple. I am so tired of fighting and just to let go and release it all and fall into nothingness would just be nice. To just give up and end all of this. Or I could jump. IDK where I would land maybe another cliff, maybe on some perfect path into happiness. It would take so much work and effort and I would need to summon every bit of strength I have and then I don't even know if it would be worth it. If I would even make it, if I would just end up falling anyways. Or if where I land would be worse. Sure it could be better but who knows? Not to mention that jumping may mean having to release myself of some things first. To let go of things I am attached to, things I love, things I feel I need and things I am just used to. Can I even do that?
It is difficult. And I hate it. That whole between a rock and hard place fits well. Because I am stuck with only bad choices that I do not want to make or even face. let me hide under the blankets and let it all go away but the universe says no :(
DH & i are fighting big time right now. Last night we were playing a game & we died. He is upset but starts going on about how we can't do it this way and it is pretty much on me so ofcourse I get upset feeling like he is putting me down and saying I wasn't doing good enough.
Even if that is not his intent, we are both upset and it is hurting my feelings and I just want him to stop talking about it and stop rubbing it in. Let it go so we can calm down and not fight over this. I ask him to stop. he doesn't listen. He just keeps making it worse and will not let it go and it is becoming more attacking of me with every second. So I am finally in tears begging him to stop and then yelling at him to just shut up. So since I am just yelling for him to shut up he decides the best coarse of action is to throw two bottle caps at me. They were little but we are not that far away and he threw them hard. One hit me right in the breast and left a big red mark and stung really really badly.
I do not understand this. If you see someone you care about in tears and visibly upset from what you are doing, why not just stop? It is as if you just want to "win", he just wants to feel "right" and doesn't mind throwing me on the fire to be.
I leave the room and calm down and come back to finish the game, because other people were involved and it wasn't fair to them. Afterwards we start talking about it again i can't remember how. But I tell him I just want him to apologize for treating me like that & throwing the thing at me. He says he won't and then later says he knows he should, but won't until I apologize. I ask him what I need to apologize for?
Apparently I should apologize for calling him a jerk, when he was acting like one and because I said I was sick of this. I think that is absurd. I said both things when he kept pushing me until I was in tears, begging him to stop and him being really mean and hurtful to me by then. He WAS being a jerk and I was sick of this. I am not going to apologize for that, because I am not sorry for saying either of those.
So then he starts really being just mean towards me. I am upset and he just goes off attacking me. He starts calling me emotional crazy & he is so sorry that he works to take care of me while I just sit at home playing with the cats. I mean why? Why just start bringing up things that have nothing to do with anything except to hurt me even more, attack me and upset me? because yeah it worked it upset me alot. So nice that the person I love and is supposed to care about me loves to rip me apart and make me feel like nothing.
I then very upset say fine you don;t have to take care of me at all anymore I will leave. I go to grab the phone off his desk saying I will call my sister. He pushes me away grabbing it himself so I can't. I go towards him and say just give me the phone. And he starts punching me. Swinging his arm all around smacking me all over my arms and hands. I finally just lightly push his monitor askew and then run to the bathroom and lock the door so he can't come in.
I was actually scared of him. I was all red and sore. Plus I have cuts all over my hands from my rats and while he was hitting me he split them open all over my hand so I was bleeding. And cleaning that off stung real nicely :(
He just is abusive to me. Not like he comes home and just beats me all the time or gives me black eyes or if the towels are not lined up perfectly smacks me or anything. But he will hit me or throw stuff at me if he gets mad. And he is very emotional abusive. He puts me down and makes me feel like crap about myself whenever we fight. He just has very strong control issues, where he has to be right, things have to be his way. He can never be wrong. If I even dare say that he is not perfect, if he did something the wrong way or even saying he hurt my feelings he takes all of that as me being mean to him and attacking him. i do not understand how his mind works that way. But it makes it impossible to talk to him.
I kindof feel like he doesn't want me to be better or happy. Everytime things start picking up for me there he is to pull me back down, to stress me out and make me feel like crap. And it is not just that but other things too. Like our issues with the store and transportation- I don't drive so I rely on him to take me shopping. We go once a week on his days off. And he always wants to go late at night even though on the one day we have an obligation and the other day he has to get up early to open the next day. So he will wait to the last minute and then rush me through the store often.
Well first i will suggest "hey its blah blah time and getting late lets go to the store"- he will respond with "don't tell me when to go I will go when I want". okay.... so then I try 'what time to you think you will want to go to the store?" His response- "when I feel like it" not only are his responses like that but he also gets mad and will often yell them at me like I asked the most horrid question ever.
Then the next week comes and I am scared to even ask him about the store at all because I do not want to be yelled at. So I don't say anything all day to him about it. He waits until it is super late and we can't go and then says why didn't you say anything to me about the store? I am not even kidding! Color me confused- if I say something (& I mean I say one thing I don't just sit there asking 50 times) I am annoying and being buggy, if I don't then I guess I didn't want to go. I just do not know what the correct answer is there. I try to ask him but he just gets mad at me for not knowing I guess.
It is just like he expects me to be ready and waiting all day long for when he feels like it. But I must be ready and make it known I am ready without being buggy or saying anything. I honestly feel like he is just being controlling. Driving and the store is something he has complete control over me with and he uses it to punish me and just show his control. I sometimes think he won't go when I want to just be mean. And on the opposite side he will get all ready sometimes and tell me we can go and treats it like a rewards I should be so happy about- not very often but really how is any of that supposed to make me feel?
Then we also have back when I was first losing weight and being so healthy and taking such good care of myself. I was so happy and doing so well. And he started just being so horrible to me. He didn't want to take me to the doctors. He wouldn't even try to help me. Little by little he kept pushing at me until I fell apart and I said fine and stopped going to the doctors, stopped taking care of myself and was miserable. I don't completely blame him, I don;'t want it to sound like I do. I know I was the one who made the choices but he made it very easy to make the bad ones.
I think about what it would mean if I got better. if I was able to take care of myself. if I learned to drive and got a good job. I wouldn't need him. Does he feel threatened by that? maybe that is why.
I just do not know anymore. I do know the currently this relationship is just toxic for me. But what can I do?
He still has not fixed the insurance for me. I need him to for sure.
I need to take care of myself. I need to get a job. I need to just focus on me. I am going to stay here unless he kicks me out, which I do not think he will. I am just not leaving behind my pets. But I think for now we are done. I am not sleeping in the same bed as him anymore. I took off my wedding ring. It might not be over idk yet but it needs to be not a worry for me right now. I can not focus on everything at once. I can not spread myself all over trying to fix it all. And this...it takes two to fix and I do not think he is willing to try.
When he is home I will stay away from him. He has two days off and I will busy myself going out, or cleaning or in the bedroom reading. On the days he opens when he comes home early I will just do the same. On the days he closes I will barely see him and go to bed before he gets home.
I can walk to the store nearby for some food. Which will probably help me lose weight alot lol. I will look for a job nearby so I can walk to it. I still won;t be able to drive but I can get a bike maybe and there is a bus that i can look into so I can get to doctors and such. I will put alittle money aside each week once I get a job and save up enough to move out or whatever maybe.
I have ignored issues and pushed them aside my entire life so it shouldnt be too hard to do it with him. It may not be the right answer but I don't have one. Everything sucks. Every choice is not one I want to make.
So I will just do what I can little by little & hopefully things get better.
Honestly I think if I was better, if I felt good about myself and could drive and had my own money that maybe I would just leave.I do love him so much. But sometimes love is just not enough. I have this naive view where everything should just work out like some romantic movie. Love saves all and nothing else matters as long as you are in love. Like so many other things in life it turns out I might just be an idiot. That life doesn't really work that way. Maybe I am this horrible person and not worthy of love. Maybe I do not deserve anyone better. But I want something better. I want someone who is happy to see me, happy to listen to me. Someone who will hold me all day long and watch movies with me. Someone who makes me want to be a better person and brings out the best in me.
But maybe I will die alone with a bunch of cats....
Part of it is just that I am not good with dealing with stress at all. I just want to give up, stuff my face with comfort food and lay in bed all day.
Right now I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Everything that is going on just has kept pushing me and pushing me farther until here I stand one foot step away from the edge. I have two choices here. I can either just let myself fall. It feels so easy & simple. I am so tired of fighting and just to let go and release it all and fall into nothingness would just be nice. To just give up and end all of this. Or I could jump. IDK where I would land maybe another cliff, maybe on some perfect path into happiness. It would take so much work and effort and I would need to summon every bit of strength I have and then I don't even know if it would be worth it. If I would even make it, if I would just end up falling anyways. Or if where I land would be worse. Sure it could be better but who knows? Not to mention that jumping may mean having to release myself of some things first. To let go of things I am attached to, things I love, things I feel I need and things I am just used to. Can I even do that?
It is difficult. And I hate it. That whole between a rock and hard place fits well. Because I am stuck with only bad choices that I do not want to make or even face. let me hide under the blankets and let it all go away but the universe says no :(
DH & i are fighting big time right now. Last night we were playing a game & we died. He is upset but starts going on about how we can't do it this way and it is pretty much on me so ofcourse I get upset feeling like he is putting me down and saying I wasn't doing good enough.
Even if that is not his intent, we are both upset and it is hurting my feelings and I just want him to stop talking about it and stop rubbing it in. Let it go so we can calm down and not fight over this. I ask him to stop. he doesn't listen. He just keeps making it worse and will not let it go and it is becoming more attacking of me with every second. So I am finally in tears begging him to stop and then yelling at him to just shut up. So since I am just yelling for him to shut up he decides the best coarse of action is to throw two bottle caps at me. They were little but we are not that far away and he threw them hard. One hit me right in the breast and left a big red mark and stung really really badly.
I do not understand this. If you see someone you care about in tears and visibly upset from what you are doing, why not just stop? It is as if you just want to "win", he just wants to feel "right" and doesn't mind throwing me on the fire to be.
I leave the room and calm down and come back to finish the game, because other people were involved and it wasn't fair to them. Afterwards we start talking about it again i can't remember how. But I tell him I just want him to apologize for treating me like that & throwing the thing at me. He says he won't and then later says he knows he should, but won't until I apologize. I ask him what I need to apologize for?
Apparently I should apologize for calling him a jerk, when he was acting like one and because I said I was sick of this. I think that is absurd. I said both things when he kept pushing me until I was in tears, begging him to stop and him being really mean and hurtful to me by then. He WAS being a jerk and I was sick of this. I am not going to apologize for that, because I am not sorry for saying either of those.
So then he starts really being just mean towards me. I am upset and he just goes off attacking me. He starts calling me emotional crazy & he is so sorry that he works to take care of me while I just sit at home playing with the cats. I mean why? Why just start bringing up things that have nothing to do with anything except to hurt me even more, attack me and upset me? because yeah it worked it upset me alot. So nice that the person I love and is supposed to care about me loves to rip me apart and make me feel like nothing.
I then very upset say fine you don;t have to take care of me at all anymore I will leave. I go to grab the phone off his desk saying I will call my sister. He pushes me away grabbing it himself so I can't. I go towards him and say just give me the phone. And he starts punching me. Swinging his arm all around smacking me all over my arms and hands. I finally just lightly push his monitor askew and then run to the bathroom and lock the door so he can't come in.
I was actually scared of him. I was all red and sore. Plus I have cuts all over my hands from my rats and while he was hitting me he split them open all over my hand so I was bleeding. And cleaning that off stung real nicely :(
He just is abusive to me. Not like he comes home and just beats me all the time or gives me black eyes or if the towels are not lined up perfectly smacks me or anything. But he will hit me or throw stuff at me if he gets mad. And he is very emotional abusive. He puts me down and makes me feel like crap about myself whenever we fight. He just has very strong control issues, where he has to be right, things have to be his way. He can never be wrong. If I even dare say that he is not perfect, if he did something the wrong way or even saying he hurt my feelings he takes all of that as me being mean to him and attacking him. i do not understand how his mind works that way. But it makes it impossible to talk to him.
I kindof feel like he doesn't want me to be better or happy. Everytime things start picking up for me there he is to pull me back down, to stress me out and make me feel like crap. And it is not just that but other things too. Like our issues with the store and transportation- I don't drive so I rely on him to take me shopping. We go once a week on his days off. And he always wants to go late at night even though on the one day we have an obligation and the other day he has to get up early to open the next day. So he will wait to the last minute and then rush me through the store often.
Well first i will suggest "hey its blah blah time and getting late lets go to the store"- he will respond with "don't tell me when to go I will go when I want". okay.... so then I try 'what time to you think you will want to go to the store?" His response- "when I feel like it" not only are his responses like that but he also gets mad and will often yell them at me like I asked the most horrid question ever.
Then the next week comes and I am scared to even ask him about the store at all because I do not want to be yelled at. So I don't say anything all day to him about it. He waits until it is super late and we can't go and then says why didn't you say anything to me about the store? I am not even kidding! Color me confused- if I say something (& I mean I say one thing I don't just sit there asking 50 times) I am annoying and being buggy, if I don't then I guess I didn't want to go. I just do not know what the correct answer is there. I try to ask him but he just gets mad at me for not knowing I guess.
It is just like he expects me to be ready and waiting all day long for when he feels like it. But I must be ready and make it known I am ready without being buggy or saying anything. I honestly feel like he is just being controlling. Driving and the store is something he has complete control over me with and he uses it to punish me and just show his control. I sometimes think he won't go when I want to just be mean. And on the opposite side he will get all ready sometimes and tell me we can go and treats it like a rewards I should be so happy about- not very often but really how is any of that supposed to make me feel?
Then we also have back when I was first losing weight and being so healthy and taking such good care of myself. I was so happy and doing so well. And he started just being so horrible to me. He didn't want to take me to the doctors. He wouldn't even try to help me. Little by little he kept pushing at me until I fell apart and I said fine and stopped going to the doctors, stopped taking care of myself and was miserable. I don't completely blame him, I don;'t want it to sound like I do. I know I was the one who made the choices but he made it very easy to make the bad ones.
I think about what it would mean if I got better. if I was able to take care of myself. if I learned to drive and got a good job. I wouldn't need him. Does he feel threatened by that? maybe that is why.
I just do not know anymore. I do know the currently this relationship is just toxic for me. But what can I do?
He still has not fixed the insurance for me. I need him to for sure.
I need to take care of myself. I need to get a job. I need to just focus on me. I am going to stay here unless he kicks me out, which I do not think he will. I am just not leaving behind my pets. But I think for now we are done. I am not sleeping in the same bed as him anymore. I took off my wedding ring. It might not be over idk yet but it needs to be not a worry for me right now. I can not focus on everything at once. I can not spread myself all over trying to fix it all. And this...it takes two to fix and I do not think he is willing to try.
When he is home I will stay away from him. He has two days off and I will busy myself going out, or cleaning or in the bedroom reading. On the days he opens when he comes home early I will just do the same. On the days he closes I will barely see him and go to bed before he gets home.
I can walk to the store nearby for some food. Which will probably help me lose weight alot lol. I will look for a job nearby so I can walk to it. I still won;t be able to drive but I can get a bike maybe and there is a bus that i can look into so I can get to doctors and such. I will put alittle money aside each week once I get a job and save up enough to move out or whatever maybe.
I have ignored issues and pushed them aside my entire life so it shouldnt be too hard to do it with him. It may not be the right answer but I don't have one. Everything sucks. Every choice is not one I want to make.
So I will just do what I can little by little & hopefully things get better.
Honestly I think if I was better, if I felt good about myself and could drive and had my own money that maybe I would just leave.I do love him so much. But sometimes love is just not enough. I have this naive view where everything should just work out like some romantic movie. Love saves all and nothing else matters as long as you are in love. Like so many other things in life it turns out I might just be an idiot. That life doesn't really work that way. Maybe I am this horrible person and not worthy of love. Maybe I do not deserve anyone better. But I want something better. I want someone who is happy to see me, happy to listen to me. Someone who will hold me all day long and watch movies with me. Someone who makes me want to be a better person and brings out the best in me.
But maybe I will die alone with a bunch of cats....
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