I have heard that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. If that is the case then I think I am ready to start rising. last night was bad. Too bad to talk about. i can't see it as any worse and still being able to be here to write about it. Certainly my rock bottom.
I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.
Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.
The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...
But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.
I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.
But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.
I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.
But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.
Right now I am stacking up my little blocks of goodness and hope. I have my spirituality that I am striving to reconnect with. Tarot & praying and blogging about it (my witch blog)
I am taking better care of myself. Trying to find a good balance of small steps in the right direction there without getting too overwhelmed or not really trying either.
Mind, Body, Spirit- balance. If only my mind would get on track, no wonder I am pulling all swords lol
I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol
Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well.
I am also trying to find a job. It is a whole pyramid of a mess for me. I panic in little waves about each part of it. That I am a moron and didn't finish school and only truly worked one job & haven't worked in like what two years now so my application will look horrid. I panic on how I will get to work, because I don't drive and my DH's schedule sucks and so hopefully the one place I can walk to but the other I would have to take the bus and I have been too afraid to try taking the bus yet so I should try to do that first. Then I panic on how I will do if I even get an interview and omg have to talk to someone and they always ask stupid questions that there is no good answer for and I am not good at conversations and talking to people. Then ofcourse I panic about the jobs themselves and if I will suck.
Right now I am just panicking over the applications because i can't remember the years I worked eh and I have to come with with references when I don't know anyone....
But then I start to plan out this big thing in my head-
step 1 get my GED.
step 2 get my drivers permit, learn to drive, get license.
step 3 work on my panic attacks- getting out more, walking daily, being healthier, talking to strangers, ride the bus, etc...
step 4 get a job
but perhaps that is just an excuse, just trying to stall. It isn't like I can't do all of that while I look for a job.
I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.
The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...
But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.
I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.
But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.
I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.
But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.
Right now I am stacking up my little blocks of goodness and hope. I have my spirituality that I am striving to reconnect with. Tarot & praying and blogging about it (my witch blog)
I am taking better care of myself. Trying to find a good balance of small steps in the right direction there without getting too overwhelmed or not really trying either.
Mind, Body, Spirit- balance. If only my mind would get on track, no wonder I am pulling all swords lol
I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol
Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well.
I am also trying to find a job. It is a whole pyramid of a mess for me. I panic in little waves about each part of it. That I am a moron and didn't finish school and only truly worked one job & haven't worked in like what two years now so my application will look horrid. I panic on how I will get to work, because I don't drive and my DH's schedule sucks and so hopefully the one place I can walk to but the other I would have to take the bus and I have been too afraid to try taking the bus yet so I should try to do that first. Then I panic on how I will do if I even get an interview and omg have to talk to someone and they always ask stupid questions that there is no good answer for and I am not good at conversations and talking to people. Then ofcourse I panic about the jobs themselves and if I will suck.
Right now I am just panicking over the applications because i can't remember the years I worked eh and I have to come with with references when I don't know anyone....
But then I start to plan out this big thing in my head-
step 1 get my GED.
step 2 get my drivers permit, learn to drive, get license.
step 3 work on my panic attacks- getting out more, walking daily, being healthier, talking to strangers, ride the bus, etc...
step 4 get a job
but perhaps that is just an excuse, just trying to stall. It isn't like I can't do all of that while I look for a job.
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