I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up.
I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.
IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.
I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.
I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.
That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol
I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">
On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.
On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(
On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.
He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...
Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay
My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies
My Plan:
Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength
Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem:
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.
I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.
2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:
With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol
No more Far less processed crap! I want to cook and eat real fresh food. I have some good recipe sites and I follow two blogs that I am madly in love with:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/
I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!
I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.
So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.
On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.
I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.
I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.
I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or anything around me. My apartment was the biggest mess I have ever seen it in. I was in this awful cycle where the mess and bad stuff around me depressed me more and yet I couldn't force a change because I was so depressed. I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it wasn't there....which didn't work.
IDK how or why I woke up. I think maybe I was just so low that I just had to end it either way and I wasn't ready to surrender just yet.
I am back to remembering that this is a journey. I don't need to have a magic wand & wave it around giving myself instant satisfaction. It is all about small steps heading in the right direction. So many times I have started up again only to try and run ahead and fall on my face and give up. I can't do that.
I know what I need to succeed- a schedule & routine, small steps, a way to vent & ask for help if needed, and knowing that I am not wonder woman and it is ok to make things easier or go slow or mess up sometimes. I am not a weak bad evil person for tripping now and then. I can get up and dust myself off and go again.
That is much easier said then done I know this lol. I am a perfectionist. I throw myself at a problem fully expecting myself to succeed with absolute perfection and nothing less. Which is impossible and it cuts like a knife when I don't. Yet while I know this I still continue to get trapped in that cycle. I blame it heavily on being a virgo lol
I am cleaning my apartment now. It was such a mess that it was a huge undertaking. It embarrasses me to admit that but it is true. I am creating a cleaning schedule and trying to make some ideas to help me not get overwhelmed (my arch nemesis is feeling overwhelmed). I actually took all of my dishes except 3-4 of each and packed them away. My husband had a horrid habit of just getting a new dish everytime when something was barely dirty and he could have washed it, and also for leaving dishes all around the house so I didn't find them. So this will help me keep the kitchen in working order. A small sink load looks much easier to take care of then a pile of dishes. If it helps it helps and that is what matters. So far it has alot <3 p="p">
On top of all of this I have some new craziness in my life. My husband wanted his friend to move in with us for a little while.... His friend needed a place to stay badly & so it made me feel bad for him. And on top of it he was going to pay rent which we are bleeding money right now since my husband took a demotion. So extra money is great & we do have two bedrooms, we use one as our office/computer room.
On the bad side though, room is going to be more cramped when we try to take everything out of our current computer room and stuff it around the rest of the apartment.
Also living with someone else sucks lol I only met this guy once.... So much stuff could go wrong, he could be a huge slob, he could invite weird ppl over, he could listen to loud music/tv, etc...
On top of that I am horrid around people. Shy doesn't even cut it. I have a social anxiety disorder. I can barely talk to people I have known for years.... This will put me on total edge and may stress me out :(
On the good side besides the $$ it could also help to have an outside person around to keep me on my toes. I might not care as much about being lazy and letting my apartment go to hell when it is just myself & my husband seeing it but with someone else around I will be forced to stay on track.
He comes the 26th so I guess we will just see how it goes. I already agreed so not much can be done now...
Anyways I am trying to stay positive and feeling great. Yesterday I took a walk & again this morning. My diet is horrible but next week I am going shopping & starting fresh with healthy good stuff. yay
My goals:
Everyday track & journal
Drink more water
Exercise
Cook real meals
Eat more fruit/veggies
My Plan:
Fitness:
I copied the fitness plan spark coach suggested which is 1 rest day & then a mix of strength & cardio.
My cardio will be a mix of walking & the Wii
Sun: Cardio
Mon: Cardio
Tues: Rest
Wed: Cardio
Thurs: Strength
Fri: Cardio
Sat: Strength
Diet:
1. acknowledge my problem:
My food choices are usually not horrid and when I am on plan I make good choices (usually) I think. My real issue is that I skip meals, binge, & graze. Time & time again I have proven that I need structure or my silly flighty mind will just not focus & do what I need to- causing me to skip meals, graze & binge lol
On the flip side I often over think my plan so much that I overwhelm myself with trying to do it perfectly.
I need a balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take me some practice and trial and error before I get the hang of the right mix of nutrients, calories & meal planning without wasting food. And that is ok.
2. Planning:
I will always count calories and track my food. But I am going to begin with a more basic idea I think. The lovely divided plate imagery:
 | |||
| http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/ |
With calories still in mind I am going to just try and balance out my meals so they have alittle bit of everything like that. I think this will be easier for me to include everything & not skimp on veggies lol. My only real issue is veggies with breakfast? My go to fav breakfast is oatmeal, I can add nuts for protein and fruit but veggies? idk lol
http://www.skinnytaste.com/
& i just discovered
http://www.peasandcrayons.com/
I am madly addicted to them & everything looks so yummy. Plus lots of pictures and easy to follow instructions. which btw if anyone knows of any other blogs similar let me know!!
I would also like 1-2 days a week that are meatless.
So right now my very basic plan is:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit & nuts & lots of water
Lunch: switching off days between eggs with lots of veggies, salads, & leftovers
Dinner: I would like to try a new recipe each week or two and then left overs.
On top of all that I also am planning on really getting into a daily routine. I think I will have a notebook where everyday I make a to-do list of things I want to get done, need to get done and goals.
I know right now breaking out of my bad habits is difficult and starting a new routine will be hard. But I also know that I am not immobile, I can bend and reform into new habits. I just need to give it time and not give up.
I love myself. I am strong. I am confident. I can take on the world.
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